Why You Should Stop Trying To Get Women To Date You


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That’s right, I said it. Guys, you need to stop trying to get women to date you. You need to stop trying to figure out what to say or what to do or what magic potion or pickup line or routine is going to magically ‘get her’ to go out with you.

Many times when this dilemma is approached, it is from men who may consider themselves ‘nice guys’ and are looking for surface solutions to do better with women. They think the problem is that they are a self-professed nice guy, and sometimes that is the problem. But most of the time, the wrong questions are being asked.


Nice guys often look for solutions outside the real problem. The real problem is not that you are nice – it’s what comes along with that perception. It is also not true that women like being with jerks and being mistreated.

The difference is, jerks and bad boys have inherent qualities that most of the time, ‘nice guys’ do not. Nice guys are usually chameleons who blend into their surroundings and do whatever it takes to make other people happy. While they may see this as a positive, other people see it as having no self-confidence or identity of their own. Not an attractive trait to women.

While nice guys see chasing after women as a noble act to prove their affection, women see them as little puppy dogs who cannot be taken seriously as an equal partner in a relationship.

If women wanted a puppy dog, they would get a puppy dog. In a relationship, they want a man. A man who can be their partner, their teammate, someone they can take on the world with. Not someone they can mold and play with like silly putty.

Questions like “How can I get a woman to go out with me?” and “How can I make her want to date me?” completely miss the point. Even more importantly, they perpetuate the idea that women are some sort of science experiment that you can predict when all of the variables are correct.

The real question we should be asking is: How can I become the man who women want to date?


Consider the analogy of a moth and a flame. Many men out there act like the moth – they are attracted to the flame, often erratically bouncing around and never getting too close for fear of getting burned. Meanwhile, the flame is casually burning, essentially unaware of the moth’s presence. Probably because there are so many moths gathering around it, yet all of which are keeping their distance.

The importance here is not to be the moth who gets the closest, it is to learn to become the flame. It is to learn to improve ourselves first. To work on whatever part(s) of yourself you want to improve. To focus on a goal, and accomplish it. To dress in a way that makes you feel powerful. To get that new haircut. To spend time with and observe people who you want to be like. To read more books. To subscribe to more newsletters. To study philosophy. To watch more documentaries. To join a gym.

To do whatever it is going to take for you, personally, to become the best possible version of yourself – and constantly be a work in progress.

I am not the man I want to be, but I am better off than I was 6 months ago. And in 6 more months I will be better off than I am now. And in another 6 months, even better.

Women want men who can challenge them intellectually. Who will excite them. Who will possess confidence. Who are social. They want men who inspire them.

The path of self improvement will be different for every single person reading this because we all have different natural talents, different goals, and different dreams. But the direction for all of us is the same: Forward.


If you somehow succeed in ‘getting’ a woman to go out with you, you have successfully taken a single step up a long staircase. Without the substance and depth a mature woman will want in the man she commits herself to, you will not get much further than that first step.

So, before you ask yourself why you cannot find the right woman, ask yourself:

Have I worked hard enough to become the right man?

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  1. Nancy Cokinda on October 28, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Right on the mark! ” Learn to become the flame, not the moth.” Works for both men and women. Well said.

  2. […] This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog. […]

  3. Steve on October 31, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    This is a great article. it rings very true. I’ve found it to be the case. Try to be the flame. And you want to be the type of flame that attracts the type of butterfly (I prefer that to moths) that suits you. Don’t be the guy who is chasing; be the guy who is chased. But, the article doesn’t answer the question: what are SOME OF the characteristics of the “nice guy” who is chased? Are there specific suggestions on how to be that guy? Is there a follow up to this article that discusses that topic? I have some ideas, but want to hear what others think. Or what the author thinks

  4. djhstegeby on January 26, 2016 at 11:17 am

    So when you become “that man”, how do you get on dates if you don’t ask? Girls don’t ask themselves out FOR you.

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