One Simple Way To Know He’s Serious About You


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I received a message from someone the other day that made me realize the importance of covering this topic. The message was as follows:

“Do you notice so many people just settling with cyber dating? Like they become so busy they just settle for video and texting all day and then never seeing each other? This happened to me for 4 months – and I finally was like, not settling for this!”

Now, in a busy world where we can still have the benefit of always being connected to each other, these ‘dating methods’ are an effective way of getting to know each other and staying in touch in ways that previous generations simply could not. However, there is a crucial piece of the puzzle that often goes missing (as evidenced by this message and many others), that telegraphs someone’s real interest in you…or lack thereof.

We can spend all day long talking about ways to know a man is interested in you, but in the long run, there is only one thing that actually matters.

You could get a good morning text every morning. A goodnight text every night. Flowers sent to your work. Have conversations all day. Receive cheek-reddening compliments on a consistent basis. But the truth is – absolutely none of it matters if he doesn’t put in the effort to see you.

A man who is genuinely interested in you, no matter how ‘busy’ he is, will always make time to see you. No excuses, lies, or broken promises. Of course, this is assuming there is reasonable distance between the two of you.

I know, for me, when I meet a woman who captures my attention, the texting and all of the fun stuff that goes along with it is great, but all it really does is increase my desire to actually see her and spend time with her in person. Why wouldn’t it? That type of communication should supplement the relationship, not be the largest part of it.

It’s true that some men may require a bit more of a push than others. Maybe a suggestion from you to do something in person, but the odds are that he will take the reins and be the one to make the transition from texting/chatting/talking – to actually spending time together.

The longer he waits to attempt to make actual plans with you, the less interested you can assume he is.

He should be wondering what you’re doing on Friday. Busy? How about Saturday? And while we’re at it, what are you doing for the holidays?

The right man who is genuinely interested in building a relationship with you will invest his time in making it happen. He will invest his time in coming to see you. He will invest his time in meaningful conversations. He will invest his time in you.

He will understand that a relationship is like any other investment – if you don’t put anything into it, you can’t expect to get anything out of it.


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  1. Little Miss Menopause on October 25, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    This is true. And if you initially met online, what period of time should reasonably elapse before he makes an initiative to meet up in real life? And also what is your opinion of sustaining a healthy long distance relationship (is it possible for let’s say a year?) because with online dating, more and more people are meeting (and falling for) geographically challenging individuals.

    • James Michael Sama on October 25, 2014 at 12:14 pm

      The amount of time that should elapse will be different for everyone I’m sure, but I think the thing that remains consistent is that the longer he waits, the less interested he really is. Some men may feel more comfortable inviting you out right away, just as some men would feel more comfortable approaching a woman in person than others would.

      I really think it comes down to instinct and whether you are feeling as though he is actually trying to work towards something with you or just having fun with conversation. If he hasn’t even attempted to talk about upcoming events or get a feel for your schedule, then he is probably not *that* serious, or could be talking to someone else, or multiple other people as well.

      I have been asked about long distance relationships often but personally do not have experience with them. I do think if two people can effectively communicate and find ways to keep things “spicy” then it can work, but when it really gets into a long term scenario I would imagine the lack of physical intimacy and actual time spent together would take its toll and present new challenges as time goes on.

      Of course, that’s all speculation. 🙂

      • exiledscot on December 2, 2014 at 5:30 pm

        I am in a long term long distance relationship. Long distance is very hard. Especially when your partner is is a dangerous part of the world where Internet access is not great. Scheduling regular time is almost impossible. We communicate solely by FB messenger and the occasional voice call. ‘Spicy’ is impossible as is sex. Like anything, if you want it enough, believe in each other enough and have trust,mthe nit can work. But OMG it’s hard.

      • donprosser on November 22, 2015 at 5:30 pm

        James nails it here. Gents, if it’s your karma (and desire) to engage wholeheartedly in a LDR, then man up and make the cut. Your actions and HOW to react to that opportunity to be with your special lady are the keystone of your honor and mark you as a serious, committed man.
        Today I jumped on the chance to see Allison, no vacillation, no delay, you simply make it happen. Don’t make enough to make that trip to her? Earn more, go the extra mile, go above and beyond. No excuses, you act. This or that stands in your way? Learn to crush obstacles. Not sure how to do that? Get mentored by man who makes it happen.
        A lot of gents think they want a LDR, but cower at the obstacles. Better to be honest and ruck up, make other plans.
        When it’s the “real deal,” you make it happen. You git some…

  2. Carla on October 25, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    ok so everything u talked about in your article sounds like something that both my boyfriend and I agree with because we are in a situation where he lives about 1 hour away from me and commutes to his job everyday driving 1 & 1/2 each way. At the end of the week if I’m not working that that weekend I will drive out there to spend time together because I feel that he’s probably too tired from driving all week long. Am I wrong for doing that ? We have been together for 2 yrs but it’s just in the last year that we’ve actually spent time together because of my issues with my father and my boyfriend has been very patient threw it all.

    Sent from my iPhone


    • James Michael Sama on October 25, 2014 at 12:48 pm


      The *last* thing that you are for doing that, is wrong. What I am mostly talking about here in this article is people who are just starting to get to know each other. I think people go weeks or even months without initially meeting each other, only talking via text or online or whatever – and then expect to be building a solid foundation for a relationship.

      Your relationship is already well-established and it shows how much you care to go out there and see him as well. You are definitely not wrong, what you are doing is great (assuming you are not the ONLY one putting in effort…)

      – JMS

  3. Nancy Cokinda on October 25, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Woody Allen said it well, “99% of success is being there.” Rule #1 in life: Show up.,

  4. Stephanie Voldrich on October 25, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Wish I would have seen this a year and a half ago when I was so confused about a guy I was beyond infatuated with…..But that okay. Things worked out and I eventually grew and a brain and realized what I deserved. lol 🙂 Definitely brings everything to light. Everybody should see this at some point in their life.

  5. christianliving2014 on October 25, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    So true! Great write!

  6. aee8 on October 26, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    Great article about this topic. Keep it up!

  7. Pat on November 13, 2014 at 9:12 am

    So great. x

  8. Ginger on November 13, 2014 at 10:54 am

    So true… Just met a guy online two weeks ago. In the second email he sent me, he had figured out a halfway point between his town and mine (about an hour apart) and suggested we might meet there sometime. I responded that would be great and the next email (Tuesday) asked if I would like to meet for dinner Wednesday or Thursday night. I’ve had other guys I chatted with for a while who might finally commit to meeting but looking back (and reading your article) I see that they must not have been very interested or they would have asked for a meeting earlier.

    This guy turned out to be great and we’ve gone out a couple of times since. He’s a complete gentleman, thoughtful, looked up things on my profile (like my favorite author) and asked me questions about them… I’m beginning to think he reads your blog because he fits the bill for how you tell men to treat women!

    If he does, “Hi Dean!” 🙂

    • Baby G on June 25, 2015 at 4:07 pm

      He sounds like my Dean. 😳

  9. cheryl on November 14, 2014 at 9:26 am

    Met a guy online 3 months ago. We are seriously miles and miles apart. He is from Spain and I am from Philippines. We have a 7 hour difference in our time zones. We both make an effort to talk, chat and call. We talk like crazy. On weekends, more than 6 hours and about 2-3 hours on weekdays. Really crazy. I never believed in online relationships but im in one now. He is gonna come here to meet me 3 months from now. He’s gonna fly all the way from Spain, meet my parents and friends and spend a month here. I hope everything will go well.

    By the way, lack pf physical intimacy is very frustrating. Like seriously. Even just holding hands is something u cant do 🙁

    • Yvon on January 6, 2015 at 12:59 am

      Same here Che! My fiance is in London. And it’s freaking hard. I hope that this LDR will end soon! Gosh I wanna be with him..forever! <3

  10. anonymous on November 14, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    its okay at first but after but sooner or later everything will just suddenly change..

  11. Cherry on November 23, 2014 at 9:45 am

    Hi! I would like to ask if this means that the guy must be the one to make the moves all the time if he is serious about the girl? I have a friend who constantly comes to me for advice about her situation. She and a guy met last 2011 and they have become close since then because the guy does invite my friend out “whenever he is free”. I just want clarify if you can consider the guy inviting my friend “whenever he is free” thing as meaning he is serious about my friend? Also, my friend being the girl would always justify that the guy is the man and if anything should progress in their close friendship, the initiation has to always come from him and not from her. Is there truth to this?

  12. xpretyNpinkStarx on December 9, 2014 at 12:51 am

    I recently started dating a guy, its been a month and things were going amazingly until today! We have been “dating” for about a month now, and it started out with the texting, and such then moved forward. This weekend he took me to his company’s Christmas party, we had an amazing time. We haven’t slept together, at both our requests, he himself said he didn’t want to sleep together yet bc “sometimes he gets disinterested if he sleeps with a girl too soon.” I thought this a little odd for him to have to “tell” me. Anywho, again, he was penciling me in for plans all the time, was supposed to come over Friday for dinner and we were going to go look at Christmas lights. Then yesterday, he started acting a little distant…..he mentioned to me a couple days ago that he “gets bored really easily.” Again I thought it was odd…..Then today I wrote him asking him if he liked me and he responded saying “I like you but I think you probably like me a little more but I enjoy hanging out and I want to continue.” This threw me way off and I responded irrationally calling him a dick and telling him to never write me again. He said to that “that’s usually how it begins for me and I didn’t think it was a dick comment but I agree.” Again I was so confused by that. I shouldn’t have responded the way I did. I apologized with no response from him. Was this guy just not that into me or did I ruin something potential?

    • Claire Heaslip on February 26, 2015 at 2:39 pm

      I’m no expert xpretyNpinkStarx, but I don’t think you should ever be expected to keep a guy entertained. If he really enjoys your company that should be enough, especially that early on in a relationship. Sounds like, even if not the most eloquent way of doing it, you got out of a situation that would have driven you crazy over time.

  13. Lea Maglipon on February 28, 2015 at 8:35 am

    Can commitment be given in an online relationship? I’ve been chatting up with this guy for months but he wants to decide whether he will commit or not when we see each other. But we chat and talk like crazy. We discuss anything under the sun and talk about our future. But just thinks online dating is not possible. We never progressed to more than friends and it kills me.

    • veenusses on February 28, 2015 at 9:51 am

      And we already do stuff online that couples do. And plan for the future. We plan to change our lives for each other. At least he says so. Everything but say we’re exclusive. 🙁

  14. Lynn on March 25, 2015 at 11:30 pm

    Attempted tech dating a few times … some lasting months before we actually met. These are months where feelings are created, a foundation has developed, your heart captured. Not again. If we both find each other interesting and he hasn’t initiated meeting me within a week of communicating, we won’t be meeting. He will remain a tech acquaintance. I don’t care to know why, nor will I pursue, or be available at his whim. The endless months of laughter, romancing, false promises … FB posts of his love, devotion and insinuating physical intimacy (physical intimacy requires one to actually be in the other’s presence), won’t be recycled on me ~ save it for the “next” in line. I cannot reclaim that time, that distraction, ~ that could have been dedicated and focused on law school ~ something with substance, rather than imaginarium. My FB “friends” will only include my closest, most endearing, true friends. Above, I chose to utilize the word “distraction” rather than “waste” as I gained much discernment from the experiences ~ which lessons have been forever engrained in my heart.

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  19. dhan on March 3, 2016 at 5:54 am

    There is a guy whom I met via a collegue during a seminar in dec 2015.
    He added me on FB in january 2016 and we started chatting since zen.
    Initially he proposed to meet 4 lunch, I even accept but he never confirm z date + time.
    While chatting I asked him questions as I would like 2 get 2 know him better but he never questioned about me. Whenever we chat we chat on “how was ur day”, “its raining at your place”, or simply gud morning + gud nite. And everytime I asked him wat he is doing he simply reply “working”. Is it normal 4 som1 2 b always working…even sundays??? Also when I asked him somfing abt his taste or habits he never responds or if he does he change subject or simply put up an smiley…..
    Zis behavious really intrigue me but whenever i ask him if i’m disturbing him coz he is working he says “you never disturb me”….
    I am unable 2 understand this guy…I just want 2 know is he serious abt me? Should I continue waiting 4 him 2 ask me out? Or may be he is just flirting (passing his time) with me…..
    Please help me what should I do ?

  20. longdistance on April 20, 2017 at 2:11 pm

    Met this guy via bumble three times we met in person he is in the military will be out within 6 months. Prior to me he was dating someone for almost three years, said that he couldn’t see himself marrying her, as she started to talk marriage, he ended the relationship. He wants to continue seeing me. Has asked me to go out and visit him, but at this time I am not able to, and his understanding. But I don’t know him well enough for me to stay at his place. We text various times during the day, face timed twice. He will be back in town in a couple of months. He says that he is not playing with me. My fear is that he is lonely and is just killing time, I say this because he stayed in the past relationship too long for him not to see himself with her. I feel that he was stringing her along. Advice! thank you!

  21. charlene on September 16, 2017 at 5:26 pm

    Hi I like your comment on “The longer he waits, the less interested he becomes.” My question for you is, I met this man online. He is an African who has been living in the USA for 10 yrs. I am a Canadian. We are about a 6 hour drive from each other. We had been messaging for about 2 1/2 weeks. He does all the GM and GN texts, calling, checking up and so on. One day I did not reply to him. He called that night said he was really worried about me. When I told him I was giving him some space, he said I don’t want any space from you. He says he really wants to meet but he likes to take things slow. He doesn’t want to rush into anything or push it. He wants it to go smooth. So do I.

    Im in the middle of moving and then going on a vacation until October 21. It is only September 16 now. I have offered my weekend to meet with him, but his reply was lets wait until after you come back from your trip.

    Now I am wondering what is on his mind

  22. Doren Nazareno on November 5, 2017 at 7:31 am

    I want your advice guy.We are long distance with my boyfriend.We never meet each other.We have different nationality.I just wanted to know if he really wants to meet up with me in personal,he always saying he wants to see me but his attitude is really disgusting me and it is slowly wrecking me down.Why he always putting me down even if I am always telling him I don’t want to hear that again?
    Please,answer me as soon as possible.I just really wanted to know if he is serious and true to me.
    Thanks by the way.I am waiting.

  23. Sana on January 9, 2018 at 2:31 pm

    I have been talking to this guy I met online for 3 months. We both are overly infatuated with each other and have a lot of commonalities and same culture/background. The problem is that he is incredibly busy, since he runs his dad’s business and has a son full time. We text, but probably a few times a day, since he is so busy. He calls every morning when he is going to work, assuming I would be free to talk. We have fallen for each other, but I see so many red flags. He has not invited me to go see him yet (I’m in Minneapolis and he is in Houston), we have had deep meaningful conversations in the beginning, but not anymore, he has somewhat a short attention span and it’s always about him first. I have voiced the communication concern to him and me being his priority, but it just feels like false promises. What should I do? How should I handle this? I have invested my time and feelings into him, but it sucks waiting for his responses.

  24. patpat on January 26, 2018 at 12:13 pm

    My friend’s aunt introduce me to her cousin.At first i was refusing her idea but she insisted and told me that her cousin is such a really nice guy.We are chatting for about 4 months now.Still we did not meet yet but have plans already..which he initiated..we are thousand miles away from each other..what amazes me is that we have very different personalities but have same views, values in life..since day one until now he is communicating regularly as in daily thru text…we exchange text messages, voice messages, selfie pictures or pictures of what we are currently doing…he never initiated nor I to have a video call ( which is ok with me for i am so shy to have a video conversation with him ) but 2 months ago he started to call thru an app once in awhile…but he was just calling me whenever he is driving going to his work…other than that our morning and night routine he’ll be communicating thru personal message or text …we exchange only i miss you messages already…he told me from day one he is courting me…but he never ask me directly to be his girl…but once he told me when we meet he will properly court me…and he will meet my parents as well…lately he started calling me on a daily basis but again only while he’s driving for work…i really appreciate him giving me his time but sometimes i wonder i wish he would call me also not only during his driving time…He is a great guy with reverence to God and who respect and love and give care to his mother..sometimes i would feel in our conversation that he is into me and wanted a real relationship but other times he would say something that would make me feel he is still not ready for a committment … he loves to travel and will mention good he’s single or else he cant go to places he wanted to see… at times he will talk about he like to have a family one day but then will say the same thing that if he’ll have family may be he cant travel anymore because a lot of things to be consider then… i would just answer him that he can still travel if he want to will just only need some adjustments for sure… he always tells me how he wish i am with him and that he wanted me to travel with him and explore… would say how he wanted to see meet me and hug me… with all his efforts to communicate with me, the time he’s giving, for being kind to me i want to believe he’s committed to me already but at some point i dont want to assume for i dont know who am I to him and where i stand… i love this man even i did not meet him personally… i love his whole being, his shortcomings as well as his past…i have fallen for him but im afraid for i dont know what we are …i never admit my true feelings to him…and he did not open up as well to me…another thing that concerns me… both we are christian but from different sector… and the sect that he belonged to they dont approve any relationship outside their religion… based on what i see about his personality he is someone whom you cannot easily dictate to do this or that…but my question to myself now…if it so happen that the feelings is mutual will he let his religion dictate whom he should love and marry… my heart is already breaking just by the thought that our future together is not clear…. i was so happy whet i have come to know him… i thought finally i found someone who is not like me but we blended well together only to find out im in a real dilemma now…

  25. ChicagoLovesAustin on April 13, 2018 at 12:57 pm

    Last summer I met a man through mutual friends at a party in Chicago. We started texting in August and dating in September. Both of us living in the same city was great, however we were both traveling for work a ton. Luckily, we managed to see each other at least once a week, sometimes twice, and fully enjoy our time spent together. When we were apart the texts would flow naturally, all day and all night. The chemistry was unlike any other I’ve experienced – virtually and in person. Come November he became very distant – eventually 5 weeks had passed of us not seeing each other that I ended the relationship. There were circumstances of work travel, a broken arm, surgery, and the holiday that all played a part – but, in my opinion, there was ample opportunity to spend time together before many of those things occurred (I even offered to join him on the tail end of his work trip to spend the weekend in California together). As I ended the relationship he informed me that he was very much interested in the relationship but the timing was poor as he just received an offer for a job in Texas. I wasn’t even aware he was interviewing for a new job or that he was considering a move… Since then I have seen him once just before Christmas and he moved to Texas at the end of February. I told myself I would end all contact since made no attempt to see me before his move. I have failed miserably and the texts are still non-stop, the flirting is on high, and my feelings for him are still stronger than ever. He’s always telling me he wants me, wants to see me, and that he misses me. I keep telling myself that IF he wanted to see me, he would get on a flight – or have me come to him. But he hasn’t asked me to visit despite my many texts expressing my willingness to fly to see him. I fear if I end the texting I may be walking away from “the one”. I keep telling myself to be patient as he’s a 38 year old man who has never had a serious relationship (I am 31) and that he will come around. Am I being naive?

  26. HeMadeItHappen on May 16, 2018 at 1:49 am

    “The right man who is GENUINELY interested in building a relationship with you will invest his time in MAKING IT HAPPEN.” – I agree 100% with this statement. I was talking to this guy online and it was my first time doing this online thing so I was just interested meeting new friends and then see from there. We clicked. He is the witty one and I am the sarcastic, cool one lol yes I just added the cool part. Anyways, everyday he will be so determined to ask how my day went, sends me a good long sweet random good morning & good night messages and suggested (a lot of times) about trusting him and downloading Skype. Since I was hesitant about Skype (due to creepy people asking nudes before which is really *weird* and gross by the way, they got blocked) lol. He said it was ok and that for me he is willing to wait. From day 1 he was very vocal that he likes me very much. And one thing I noticed is even without asking what he saw in me – he always has that INITIATIVE to sincerely tell me detailed statements of why he truly likes me. The best part is, I do not even need to ask how much he likes me. He just tells me. After 2 weeks he said he wanted to come see me and he said I can even just meet him up on a public place so I will feel safe. It was crazy because the very second that I have finally agreed on it he called me and he said “Ok I will be wearing green etc.. remember you do not need to show up if you do not want to but you can at least take a quick look at me ok? I am on my way now.” I was really surprised at this and thought he was just kidding because he is , after all, 10 hours away from me. But there he was green and hotness overload with his goofy smile. Past forward, before he left he promised that we will meet again in a week at most. It surprised me to meet a man who “plans” ahead. He asked for my days off and put them all on his phone calender (which I think is a HUGE TURN ON for me). So a week after that, his mom got sick. So we were both sad but he remembered his promise and begged for me to come see him instead. And the very moment I said yes, he immediately sent me airplane tickets which cost him $400+ because he said he will definitely not let me drive 10hours towards him. That very weekend he introduced me to his family (and later found out later on, that I was the 2nd lady he introduced to them). I was very impressed and still am until this very day with him and his all-out efforts. And he told me that he has never wanted anyone so bad and that he was never a needy person at all but that even when we were just texting and calling each other, he told me he just wanted to “make things happen with me” and to make me feel that I am his priority at all times. So 10years after, we are still strong together. So ladies, if he truly likes you – he will definitely make it happen. No meeting halfways. No waiting for the right time. Because if he truly is interested – trust me, he will go extra length/miles to see you. You know what they say all the time, “IF YOU TRULY WANT SOMETHING, YOU WILL FIND A WAY. IF YOU DON’T, you will find an excuse.”

  27. Casey on May 24, 2018 at 6:00 pm

    So I have a question. Plain and simple…is he or is he not into me? I met this really nice guy at work and he ended up giving me compliments and admitting that he has a crush on me and we find ourselves talking to each other longer than we should during these encounters at work. Eventually he asks me to lunch and we’ve met a couple of times. He’s even offered to teach me how to ski some time. The attraction between us is off the charts. However, although I hear from him each morning and throughout the day, there is never an invitation for anything like dinner or a movie. He talks to me frequently and always says he needs to see me and finds a way during the day to make that happen, but again, never in the evenings. Last night he told me to let him know when I was ready to go swimming, but I still feel like something is off. He tells me he can’t stop thinking about me and when we see each other, he can’t keep his hands off me, I’ve refrained from taking the next level even though we both want to. It’s been a month since we met. A friend told me that if it took him a month to actually get the courage to ask me to lunch, maybe he’s shy or nervous. I disagree so naturally I’m confused. What am I missing with this guy? I know there are no mixed signals. Either he’s into me or he’s not. I’d like some opinions in this situation so I know if I need to move on or not. Help be discern what’s going on please.

  28. […] artículo se publicó originalmente el James Michael Sama. Reimpreso con el permiso del […]

  29. […] article was originally published at James Michael Sama. Reprinted with permission from the […]

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