Men Can Handle Your Attitude, They Just Don’t Want To

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This is something that has been irking me for awhile now. The ever-increasing demeanor of the modern girl/woman who proudly proclaims that she has an attitude that men just ‘can’t handle’ and she won’t settle for someone weak like that.

Cringe-worthy.

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The first reason why I have a problem with the terminology ‘can’t handle’ is that it implies some sort of inadequacy. As men, we deal with attitude every single day. It is dealt with from rude co-workers, from fellow commuters, from the person who didn’t use their blinker when switching into our lane. Attitude is everywhere around us, all the time.

Why would we want to come home to a woman who is going to treat us the same way?

You will see quotes floating around social media that say: “A strong man can handle a strong woman. A weak man will say she has an attitude.” Or “I don’t have an attitude, I just have a personality you can’t handle.

Do you know what it sounds like when anyone says or posts things like this? It sounds like they have an attitude. I know plenty of strong, independent, successful women who are loving, kindhearted, and understand you don’t need an attitude in order to be respected or taken seriously.

The first problem is, someone in a relationship should never have to handle their significant other. They should never have to tolerate an abrasive personality under the premise that it’s just who you are and we have to accept that if we want to be with you. Well…here is a new concept, maybe men just don’t want to be with someone like that.

The concept of elevating yourself above others in order to prove your worth is not only ineffective, it is unattractive. To essentially demean men and suggest that they are not strong enough to ‘handle’ you shows a complete lack of willingness to work on your own character or actually acknowledge what is attractive to other people.

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We see this all the time in conversations about what is attractive to women. Men know that women are drawn to masculine energy. We know that women are attracted to confidence. Now, turn the tables. Do you see single men who don’t display these qualities saying that women simply can’t handle their softness? Women can’t handle my over-the-top niceness. A strong woman will be able to handle a nice man, a weak woman will call him a doormat. That’s their fault, I’m not going to work or change or improve for anyone.

Sounds a little ridiculous, doesn’t it?

None of us are entitled to a great relationship simply because of who we are. If we want to be attractive to a potential partner, we need to work on ourselves, understand our own flaws, and be honest about adjusting them. If we put a stake in the ground and say this is me, love it or leave it, we will likely find many people leaving it.

By being completely inflexible we are showing a lack of compassion for our partner. “Oh, you don’t like it? Too bad.” Sorry, but this is an attitude. This is akin to a man telling you that he tends to get insulting and abrasive every once in awhile, but that’s just part of his personality so you’re going to have to deal with it.

Telling anyone to ‘handle’ you or ‘deal with’ you the way you are is just telling them that you don’t care enough about their feelings in order to work on yourself. Posting a Marilyn Monroe quote on your Facebook about handling you at your worst in order to get you at your best is not an incentive, it is an ultimatum for an implied reward. If a guy puts up with mood swings and harsh attitudes affection-less nights, he will have the pleasure of experiencing the days when you feel like being nice to him, as a reward.

Not exactly the basis for a great relationship.

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Obviously there are going to be good days and bad days. Nobody is perfect. We may not love every single little thing about the person we are with, but relationships are about compromise. They are about acceptance. They are about love. And when you love someone, you don’t look at them and tell them to just deal with it.

You work together to grow. To compromise. To learn. To improve. To not be someone they have to just tolerate as a passageway to your good days. You work together to build a foundation and learn what works best for you both.

None of us just get handed a great relationship without having to work for it, and then work at it. None of us can expect to have someone come into our lives and put in effort for us while we refuse to do the same for them.

A successful relationship is a two way street where a consistent flow of effort is going back and forth – not a one way with a dead end. The good news is, you get to choose which one you want – but don’t ask someone to do something for you without putting any effort in for them.

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26 Comments

  1. Steve Horsmon on October 21, 2014 at 10:57 am

    Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!

    When a person says, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve my at my best!”, I say, “If I can’t handle you at your worst, maybe you shouldn’t be so freakin’ horrible.”

    Wonderfully written, James. We can ALL do better. First, you have to WANT to.

    • rouellachristina on October 23, 2014 at 12:46 am

      I absolutely agree with your comment! A similar statement was said to me a while back and all I thought of was, “Why don’t you want to work on that negative attitude instead of forcing it on me?” Sounds so mean, but we shouldn’t tolerate horrible attitudes just because those people don’t want to work on improving themselves.

    • nuno2211 on June 11, 2015 at 2:59 am

      Here’s what I always respond with: “I if I can’t handle you at your worst, then perhaps you need therapy.”

  2. Nancy Cokinda on October 21, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    A lot of young women have had the wrong role models, and have no clue how to be an emotionally mature person, let alone connect as a woman partner. Cultural heroines progressed from Audrey Hepburn to Madonna and subsequent wanna-be’s, which was an abysmal step backwards, and sent the wrong message. Exhibiting negative personal behaviors interspersed with a few rare moments of “kindness” used to manipulate is not the formula for being a good person, partner, or parent, but has become the cultural message for young women nevertheless. Reviving the concept of personal respect, for self and for others, is much needed, and appreciated in your blogs, James. Keep the message going!

    • Allen De Rico on October 21, 2014 at 2:09 pm

      Very well stated! Thank you for that.

  3. applesuns on October 21, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Well said! The “bitch” persona has become the new hot thing these days, and as a woman, it’s not something I want to be at all. I understand being assertive, but I also think it should be tempered with respect for your fellow human beings, man or woman. It’s basically the same phenomenon as the douchebag guy. People think it’s cool, but really, who wants to actually be with either a bitch or a douche?

  4. christianliving2014 on October 21, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    Great write! So very true!

  5. mjmsprt40 on October 21, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    You’re doggone tootin’ I’m not putting up with her attitude!

    Look, it’s like this: James, you preach about chivalry and gentlemanly behavior until the cows come home. No problem with that, a man who expects to get a quality woman SHOULD behave like a gentleman.

    Flip side of that coin: it’s way past time the women started behaving like ladies. Behave like a two-bit barfly, and then expect the gentleman to give you the time of day after that? Nope, not on my watch.

    • Pedi_fetish@protonmail.com on May 13, 2018 at 2:04 pm

      Tipcal betta boi with his Madonna/whore complex.

  6. mjmsprt40 on October 21, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    Recently, I had to quit following a fellow who thinks strong men can handle strong women– by which we mean women full of attitude. He figures they’re queens, and he of course is king enough to handle the bad-acting woman he eventually chooses. I think it more likely he’ll find out that old-time castles had dungeons, and he’ll be spending a lot of time in it.

    I come home to a peaceful house these days, and I aim to keep it that way. A b#tchy “queen” who thinks her nasty attitude is the price to pay for her company need not apply to be in my company.

  7. Francis on October 23, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    Thank you for this! A pet peeve of mine is whenever a woman writes “A real man….”. Really? You’re the one to tell me how a man should behave? Maybe she should look in the mirror and get her own house in order.

  8. beckydancer on October 28, 2014 at 11:41 am

    Reblogged this on this curious universe and commented:
    A bittersweet little nudge from the male perspective. Really well-written article by James M. Sama. Enjoy!

  9. […] We do not need science to tell us this, though. Anyone who has spent time in social atmospheres or any man who has attempted to approach a woman can attest to the fact that he will likely avoid those who just look unapproachable. The issue here is, she might not be. Perhaps she just had a bad day or got caught in the rain on the way to her destination and is temporarily annoyed, but is usually a great, social, fun person. […]

  10. […] We do not need science to tell us this, though. Anyone who has spent time in social atmospheres or any man who has attempted to approach a woman can attest to the fact that he will likely avoid those who just look unapproachable. The issue here is, she might not be. Perhaps she just had a bad day or got caught in the rain on the way to her destination and is temporarily annoyed, but is usually a great, social, fun person. […]

  11. Laura Fitton (@Pistachio) on November 17, 2014 at 11:06 am

    totally agree re: attitude. but there’s another side to this coin, which is that strong kindhearted women have been getting rejected/shunned for time immemorial by men who decide it is threatening to them if a woman is strong and capable… i think many of the people who vocalize what you’re writing about are have been repeatedly burned vs being mean people with an attitude…

    • Pops on October 15, 2015 at 3:07 pm

      There might be a small amount of truth to your comment.
      The an old saying that goes “It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
      All people develop defense mechanisms to help them navigate the challenges of life.
      Some are more effective than others.
      Having an abrasive personality or being overly confrontational is not one of them.
      Smart people (men and women) come up with better solutions.

  12. Kohi on February 14, 2015 at 9:41 am

    I agree but does this man not know women can be very hormonal at particular times and come across as ‘bitchy’, this even happens to the nicest women who regret it but yeah. It’s a natural woman thing and don’t act like it’s not, lol.

    • christianziebarth on February 18, 2015 at 12:16 am

      The author knows that people are not always at their best. He is saying that his problem is with the attitude of, “You just have to put up with it.” If you don’t see the difference right away think about it for a while and you might grasp it.

  13. Paul Murray on February 14, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    I sympathise. These women find that men cant handle their attitude. I find that women can’t handle my foot odour. It’s pretty funky, but a strong woman should be able to deal with it,

  14. […] We do not need science to tell us this, though. Anyone who has spent time in social atmospheres or any man who has attempted to approach a woman can attest to the fact that he will likely avoid those who just look unapproachable. The issue here is, she might not be. Perhaps she just had a bad day or got caught in the rain on the way to her destination and is temporarily annoyed, but is usually a great, social, fun person. […]

  15. chris mcneil on February 10, 2016 at 12:10 pm

    This may have been on of the best article I have read. I want to meet the gentlemen that wrote this article. Allow me to commend him in person as well as get advice on how to avoid the immature inadequacies of the modern day girl…..smh Considering that most likely WONT happen. Ill just commend this fella online. Way to provide society with a dose of reality!!!

  16. The Truth Was Said on October 3, 2016 at 9:12 pm

    Most women these days have a very serious attitude problem and a rotten personality, especially the ones that have their Careers today that really think they’re God’s gift to men but are Total Losers anyway.

    • Anupam on January 2, 2017 at 7:45 am

      fantastic bruh!!

  17. The Truth Was Said on October 3, 2016 at 9:16 pm

    To just add a little more Truth to my comment which Most of the Good old fashioned women years ago really Did put the women of today to Real Shame as well.

  18. Nadine on July 7, 2018 at 3:34 pm

    From what I have seen, it is women with ‘attitudes’ who are married, running businesses, happy, and being respected. It is usually the nice girl who is self-doubting, passive, and demure is walked all over and passed on. I haven’t seen men flocking to women who bend over backwards to them. They use the nice ones and leave them.

  19. The Good Old Days Had Great Women on July 30, 2018 at 9:46 pm

    Most women today have such a very high demanding list when it comes to men. Must have a full head of hair, a lot of money, great shape, not heavy at all, have a million dollar home, and drive a real expensive car as well. But the real problem with these very pathetic women is that they’re so very obese today, and not all that attractive either. Most of these women think they’re all that too which their not anyway. These losers just need to get a cat for a pet and grow old all alone with it.

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