Here Is Why Attracting The Wrong Men Is Not A Problem


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How many of you have said to someone else, or have had them say to you, “I only attract jerks!” or “Why are only the wrong men attracted to me?

I’ve certainly heard it more than once. And I understand that many women out there really believe this to be the issue. And sometimes, it is part of the problem. It may even be part of the problem most times, but why? What makes someone the wrong man or the right man?


The first thing we have to do is to address the elephant in the room. As a woman, it is going to naturally follow that you attract men. You probably get weird messages on Facebook. You probably get approached at bars. You probably have people staring at you while you’re walking down the street. You just…attract men.

For a woman like you who is strong, smart, ambitious, and knows what she wants out of life and a relationship, it is only natural that most men will be the wrong men. If you had no standards and thought any guy would do, there would be no ‘wrong man.’

But that’s not you. And attracting men is not really a problem is it? If we would actually like to be in a relationship or at least meet somebody, isn’t it a good thing to attract as many people as possible? It increases our options and gives us more freedom to actually learn about multiple men or women and choose to pursue one who we feel chemistry with.

So by that reasoning, attracting the wrong men is therefore not a problem. It is not a problem because it doesn’t matter who you do or don’t attract – unless you allow them into your life.

Ah, well, there it is. Attracting the wrong men is not a problem. Accepting the wrong men is a problem.

You may not realize someone is not right for you if you get too caught up in your feelings about them. We feel chemistry with people, lust for people, passion for people…and we somehow always seem to overlook what is really important in the long run. Compatibility. How they treat you. How they communicate with you. How they make you feel about yourself. The glue that holds all of those other pieces together. When all are important, none can be overlooked.


If the wrong man walks by you on the street and says something to you, but you do not accept his advance – he has no impact on your life. If you are with the wrong man and you go your separate ways, he no longer has an impact in your life. If you go on a date with the wrong man and do not accept a second date, he no longer has an impact on your life. The only way someone plays a role in your world is if you allow them to.

So, there is good news, and there is bad news.

The bad news is, you will never stop attracting the wrong men, just as men will never stop attracting the wrong women. All of us attract people who would not be right for us – that’s what makes relationships a selection process.

The good news is, you have the power to choose who you actually accept into your life. It comes down to a repeated theme on this blog: Setting your standards where they belong and refusing to lower them. We have to combine how we feel emotionally about a person and also really do our best to determine if they are truly ‘right’ for us. Only then can we make the right decision.

The wrong men will always be out there, but if you stop accepting them, it no longer matters.

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  1. Tina on October 21, 2014 at 12:27 am

    Really enjoyed this one and I agree completely, but I think when women say we only attract the wrong men, at least for me, I see it differently. For example, decent men with respect never approach me. Maybe it’s me or something I’m doing wrong, but it begs the question: is this all I am worth? I have been told flat out that I’m not as pretty as a model, but I’m still okay looking. That hurts…but I usually wind up laughing about it later.

    It’s a constant flow of a-holes. I’m just hoping one day, someone will be worthy of my time because men these days are so uninspiring…

  2. Naicker, Jeeva J on October 21, 2014 at 1:57 am


    Very true

  3. londongirlwithpearls on October 21, 2014 at 6:38 am

    Thank you for the article James. Funny I was wondering if I only attract the wrong men on my blog a few days ago.
    I see your point and it makes perfect sense.
    However, l believe that generally is a common denominator amongst the type of men that most times attempt to approach a woman based on her look/behaviour. This creates a sort of “adverse selection”. And while I agree that it’s up to me, as a woman, to pick the right candidate, if the starting pool is wrong from the get go, this limits or biases my ability to make a good choice.
    And I am not even going into the other issue of men changing over time: form angel when they pursue you to Satana by the time they know they have you. How do you understand someone’s true colour without getting too emotionally invested?

  4. rlcarterrn on October 21, 2014 at 9:37 am

    Great article, as always. I’ve often said “the behavior you tolerate is the behavior you will get.” As long as someone gets the “rewards” of being with you, then he/she has no motivation to change. Hence why we should never give our valuable time/energy to people who aren’t worthy of it.

  5. beckydancer on October 23, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    I like this article because it creates a new twist on an old “problem”–it helps me look at my dating life in a whole new way. Most men will be the wrong men! Of course! Instead of being annoyed and crabby that yet another loser is approaching me, I can look at it as – there goes another I can set free to make room for the right one. Love it!

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