Is He Boyfriend Material? Ask These Two Questions


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Sometimes when I receive emails from or have discussions with women regarding their current boyfriend or a guy who they are thinking of becoming exclusive with, one thing seems to be apparent to onlookers, but missed by the person in the relationship.

There is a big difference between liking someone, and liking the idea of someone.


I think we have all been there. We begin to miss an ex or become excited about someone new. But are we really missing the ex, or are we missing the things we did and had with them? Are we really excited about this new person, or are we just enjoying the companionship which we could get from anyone who texts us nice things and compliments us?

A lot of times when I ask a woman what it is she likes about someone she is seeing, there are many times where the answers are relatively general. Reminiscent of boxes to be checked or lists to be filled. It’s like a man saying “oh she’s smart, and she’s funny, and [insert obligatory positive quality here].

No. What is it about that individual person that draws you to them? Are they just filling a void of loneliness or are they really the type of person who you want to commit yourself and your valuable, irreplaceable time to? And most of all if you are serious about him – is he serious about you?

Here are two questions to ask yourself to determine if you should continue moving forward:

– Is this making you happy?

It is true that great relationships consist of two people who work to make each other happy and no solid foundation was ever built on the question of “What’s in it for me?” But that does not negate the importance of your happiness – so, are you happy? This is a question nobody can answer except for you. Only you know what you are thinking and feeling. Only you know if his response time to your texts worries you. Only you know if the fact that he never calls you worries you. Only you know if this is really someone you can picture weekends away and holidays around the family with.

This is a very simple question, but it is not an easy one to answer because it entails being honest to yourself at your very core. It means not fooling yourself and, if you are just keeping him around because the attention makes you happy, admitting it. If the answer is no, let him go. How he makes you feel is more important than how many of your boxes he can check off.


– Is he really putting in effort?

As a man, I will tell you this. If a man wants to see you, he will make the time to see you. No excuses, no lies, no being “too busy,” and no broken promises. He will put in the effort, suggest the plans, and make it happen. Now, probably. Or tomorrow if you’re not free now. Or the day after if you’re not free then.

Then, after that time, he will want to know when he can see you the next time. By the way, what are you doing for New Year’s Eve too? If a man is serious about committing to you, you will absolutely know it.

If the answer to either of these questions is no, then it means:

You are enjoying the idea of having someone in your life, but not necessarily this person. Or, you are going to continue being disappointed with him as he keeps contacting you but not actually putting effort into seeing you.

Either way, you deserve more – but you won’t be available to find it if you keep settling for less.

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  1. Carla on October 14, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    I love your articles. They are always well written and uncannily timely.

  2. D on October 14, 2014 at 11:18 pm

    The type of advice that I was looking for at this very moment. Thanks, James. love your work!

  3. Sara on October 15, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Thank you for this!! It’s perfect timing.

  4. […] the right reasons. Only then can we better determine if they are actually the right person. In a previous article I discussed falling into the trap of liking the idea of someone rather than liking the person […]

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