This Is Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You

You know, it’s funny. Each day when I look at my website analytics I get an overview of some of the search terms that have brought organic traffic to my site through Google or other search engines. Often times there are phrases about what makes a good man, a good woman, making your partner feel valued, and the like.

There is an interesting consistency I also see, though: “My wife won’t have sex with me.” “Wife won’t have sex.” Or another variation of the same problem…all the time. I won’t say these searches happen every single day, but it certainly seems that way.

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Since it’s safe to assume it’s not the same man searching a variation of the same problem every day, this is clearly a widespread problem (I nearly wrote wifespread problem – Freudian slip?). Another important distinction to make is that they are not searching things like “Sexless marriage” or “Why don’t we have sex anymore?” They are literally searching their wife won’t have sex – meaning that it sounds like they are choosing not to have sex with their husbands, for one reason or another.

Now, I’m not married – so am I really qualified to address this issue in detail? Some would probably argue that I’m not. But I think we have to keep things in perspective here that when we are talking about a wife, mother, sister, cousin, aunt, or any other title given to a woman based on her relation to others, she is still always a woman first.

Whether you are in a new relationship, a long term relationship, or a marriage, if a woman won’t have sex with you, it’s clear there is either some sort of dissatisfaction on her end or an issue you have not yet addressed.

Let me make myself clear before some people get mad about this article: No woman is ever obligated to have sex with you, no matter what. You are not entitled to her body, no matter how long you’ve been together. Also, because I know it will come up – withholding sex as punishment is never a good idea and will only lead to more problems.

Now that we have that out of the way, women enjoy sex too – and they should enjoy it with you. If she is actively choosing to not sleep with you, there is a reason for it.

Men: An important lesson all of us can learn about women is the connection they need to feel with us if we have any hope for emotional or physical intimacy. As men, we crave physical intimacy and it is difficult for us to fully experience emotional intimacy without it.

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However, for women, it is just the opposite. For a woman to crave and desire physical intimacy with you, she first has to feel emotionally connected. Life gets crazy and things get complicated, this is why it requires consistent effort from both sides in order to stay close with our partner and keep the fire burning, no matter what is going on around us.

While this effort does have to come from both sides, it is no secret that men are notorious for being less emotional than women. Less emotionally expressive, and even less emotionally ‘intelligent’ – meaning that on a whole, men have a harder time relating to others and acting accordingly, with empathy.

If you find your wife has retracted herself from you physically, the reason for this is [more than likely] that a separation has grown between you emotionally. This is assuming you have felt it gradually over time and didn’t do something specific that she is mad about. If this gradual separation is what you feel, then you are about to understand the importance of open and honest communication between partners in order to reach a solution to an issue that has arisen.

We have to stay connected. We have to keep a hold on the comfort, affection, love, and passion that was present in the beginning of all of our relationships. There is no reason to let the romance or chivalry fade over time – these are problems that will arise from that.

In fact, being romantic and loving should only increase over time as your partner becomes a bigger, more important part of your life.

There is a scene in a great movie, “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” Where Ryan Gosling stands face to face with Steve Carell and tells him: “Your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of who you are as a man, as a husband, and probably as a lover.”

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Harsh words, but a necessary cause for reflection of many men in today’s society. We are trying to find our place in the world again. Are we still supposed to be the strong, tough, protective type? More sensitive and empathetic? A combination of both? We don’t talk about these issues because men aren’t supposed to talk about our feelings. We are not supposed to talk about our deeper, more emotional issues – but if we have no guidance, we will essentially be like a ship at sea without a destination, trying to find our way in the night.

When this happens, we cease to become the man that she fell in love with. We cease to be the man who would passionately kiss her up against the wall like it was our last day on earth. We cease to plan dates together and do the small things that matter the most – and we can’t. We can’t allow that to happen.

We need to define who we want to be as men, and who we want to be as lovers to the woman in our life. We need to understand that when we “get” a woman, it doesn’t mean we can just stop trying – it means we need to try harder in order to keep her trust and attention which we have earned. It is not a one-shot deal that just lasts forever without stoking the fire.

You want to keep the heart of a woman? Bottom line is you have to be a product, sell yourself daily. She wants you to keep reinventing yourself while still being the essence of the person she met. Don’t fall into a routine, because a routine is indifferent. Surprise her. Show her that you love her by continuing to be better than you were yesterday and better than the rest.

If you can master that, she will never stop loving you.

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Click here to get my new e-book, The Gentleman’s Advantage!

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32 thoughts on “This Is Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You

  1. Can you address the reverse? My boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in sex at all. I have some ideas but wondering if there is a bigger picture that I am not seeing.

    • Jessica,
      I would think 3 concerns, 1 testosterone, 2 compatibility, 3 filling the need for physical intimacy elsewhere.
      Compatibility I miss understood for years. I kept thinking it meant something was wrong with me. Nothing wrong, just not the right fit for each other. It’s complex because initial intimacy doesn’t mean compatibility. We’ve all been fired up about someone then realized great sex was all we had, then the incompatibilities become apparent and the relationship losses some luster.
      Testosterone Is medical, needs to be addressed by professional.
      The third is about trust and honesty, enough to communicate TWO ways, full disclosure about what we want. Where we are going for fulfillment, how we would like to be fulfilled.

    • Jessica, among my circles (both guys and girls), this (the guy is uninterested or less interested in sex) seems to be a much more common problem than the reverse.
      I think there are a million of possible reasons causing this and what Bryan mentions are just three of them… I would suggest seeing an expert.. There is also a book called “Passionate marriage” that is supposed to be real good on this issue.. It talks about how to create intimacy in the relationship.

  2. I was “that” wife/partner. And I can pinpoint precisely when I stopped wanting to have sex with my man (after having a very healthy sex life). It was the day he strayed, broke trust, and started having an affair with another woman. We are energetically sensitive emotional creatures, us ladies, and we can FEEL the disconnection in our hearts and in our body, even if it contradicts our logical minds or facts and figures we see on the surface. Without a deep emotional bond and a sense of security in the relationship, our sexuality will shut down. Men generally stray and cheat when the sex goes bad, but women generally shut down and stop giving sex when the emotional connection goes bad. Who came first, the chicken or the egg? The emotional bond can be healed and renewed with some practice, but once you cheat sexually with another… that is much more difficult to repair. Remember, TRUST is an aphrodisiac!

  3. James, there’s potentially more to it than that. On the physical side, women also need passion. We need to kiss first to help arouse us. So men need to remember to try and make-out with their wives if they want to progress to a more intimate relationship. Just expecting us to jump to the act is, well, boring and no fun at all.

    • I’m a woman and I don’t need to kiss first… but I need to feel desired by the man.. I want to really feel his desire for me, that turns me on more than anything..
      I think everyone is different and its not necessarily gender-based.

  4. You are on the right track. It ties into emotions. It’s the desire to see again that desire in our husbands. The desire they had when we first met them. Told us sweet nothings, would listen to us for hours, ect. When children, careers, life, ect. pull on a man’s attention carving out more and more of their personal time, the sacrificial wife begins to be just that , a sacrifice. Men drop everything for their kids demands, trophies, promotions, parents; but they get “home” to where they can truly be themselves, they become slovenly, self-absorbed, “just relaxing”. It gets Old.

  5. Well said for a man that isn’t married. Now the real world is different, which is why you are smart enough to never deal with this since you simply break up. In the real world your suggestion requires making a woman feel like a godess every minute of the day, 365. Days a year, in return for a man to get a single blow job for the month… No deal.

    • You’re picking the wrong woman John Doe. BJ’s are fun to give, especially when I’m looking up at “him”. Lust and feeling valued needs to be felt, by me, anyway. So maybe you’re not doing your job or pick better women.

      • You go Beth! I was thinking the same thing but didn’t have the guts to say it! My man does everything for me and I certainly enjoy giving back in return.

  6. Great article, but that’s really hard for some men to get to that level with all today’s preoccupation but not impossible. Ella I don’t agree with you, men isn’t obligated to give you attention all the time. Long lasting relationship and marriage have foundation in Individuality and their time off one another. But when he comes to his precious he must not take her for granted.

    • I agree, rickyzg. “men isn’t obligated to give you attention all the time. Long lasting relationship and marriage have foundation in Individuality and their time off one another. ”
      When there is no attention for the wife and they still expect attention from the wife, it gets old.

  7. I still have it for her. Regardless of the countless times she has denied my advances, affections, futile attempts to trigger intimacy of any kind… The smell of her, her voice, her profile, the way her hair cradles her face, her love for gardening, listening to her tell stories, etc. I could go on for days! We’ve had our share of hardships like any married couple and I’ve stood right beside her and been supportive the whole way. She makes me a to-do list every Saturday morning and I knock my chores out one by one… Most of the time, the list consists of things she can’t do alone or can’t do at all. I work harder at home than I do at my job. Anything she asks of me, I’m glad to do it because she’s my wife and I love her… anything to make her happy.
    What I get in return is nada… broken promises… I’m too tired… maybe tomorrow…
    It destroys my confidence. It makes me edgy. I feel unattractive and unwanted.
    Whenever I confront her with my feelings on the matter, she either clams up or gets up to go sleep on the couch… both of which are followed by 3-5 days of silent treatment.
    To me, hygiene is a priority. I’m 15-20 lbs lighter than I was when we met. I’m 42 and keep myself in good shape. I’m a selfless lover… I always insist on foreplay for her if she’s willing. She refuses to perform any kind of foreplay on me and I’m a man so that’s really never been a deal breaker.
    I’ve suggested counseling… big mistake!
    I NEED ADVICE! I NEED HELP! I’m trying with every fiber of my being to be strong, stay true to her and work this out. My patience are wearing thin… I just don’t know what to do!

    • Chad,
      I have been in a very similar situation with my children’s mother. I’m sad to say that I was unsuccessful at saving my marriage. I got to the point where I was indifferent. I would rather have some emotion than not care anymore. I’m not even sure there was anything else I could do. I was romancing her, dedicated to helping with the children and inside the home (chores etc…) and later after we split she thanked me for how I treated her. I have sometimes wondered if the only thing I could have done was make a more appropriate split, as once we split up (at the point where I no longer had any feelings for her) I moved on became involved with another woman before we were actually divorced.
      Thinking back there are a few things I would have done for myself before the end of the relationship. First I would have counseled on my own. She doesn’t need to be there, and a strong commitment to self improvement could change your situation completely. All of the conflicts in history have been about changing someone else. As much as we would like to believe we are not trying to change someone else, (asking her to have sex when she doesn’t want to is asking her to change). The only effective way to incite change is to lead someone there. One person has to believe that where you are, what you have etc….. is better than what they have and where they are. They decide they want to follow your steps and they believe it will lead them to have what you have, lead to being where you are at.
      To let you know where I am coming from, your description fits perfectly. The reasons for not having sex, the promises for change, the silent treatment, you are describing my past relationship exactly.
      The self improvement I did after that relationship lead me to a loving, caring, amazing, incredible woman who I am engaged to marry July 4th 2015.
      I wish you great success!
      Bryan

      • Bryan, my apologies for taking so long to reply. Things have been a little crazy around here getting ready for Christmas.
        At the very least, thank you for your words, confirmations, and advice. After the holidays, I’m going to seek some professional help with my matters. In the meantime, I’ve been implicating changes of my own and have already noticed a difference.
        Again, thank you and Merry Christmas to you and yours.

    • Chad, i’m by no means an expert and I think counseling would be the best thing like Bryan said.. Even if you go by yourself.
      I’m just gonna add one thought, and I am sorry if I come off as offensive but its my honest opinion.. when you write: “She makes me a to-do list every Saturday morning and I knock my chores out one by one… ” That is probably the most unattractive thing I have heard anyone say, and if this is in some way representative of your relationship I completely understand why your wife does not want to have sex with you. Why do you have a weekly list of chores? Are you a kid? It sounds like you don’t take initiative around the house, but she has to tell you what needs to be done and you do your “chores” like a kid who then gets to play his video games.. only you are hoping for sex instead of video games.. You also write that you do “anything she asks of you”. It again sounds super unattractive. Don’t get me wrong, you should not act like a dick. But she should not have to ask you to do stuff and she should not have to give you a list of chores (I mean, not on a regular basis, of course you can both ask each other for help with things here and there). You should be contributing more or less equally to the household on your own initiative. Nobody is attracted to a person who can’t take initiative and is a suck-up/pushover… No man would be attracted to this kind of woman either.

      • Well tessnorman, I can easily see why you would take the position you have on my wife’s chore list for me. In my efforts to keep my column short and to the point, there are many things that I didn’t mention or failed to elaborate on.
        I am constantly working around our home. Whether it’s yard work, remodeling, repiping, gardening, cleaning, laundry, etc. Anything that I can plainly see needs to be done. The chore list, as childish as it my sound, are items that my wife puts in prioritized order. Typically, they consist of her ideas, dreams, or just basic “to-do’s” for her. Some things she can do on her own. Some things she needs my help with. Then there are things she hopes for but has no earthly idea how to do or where to start.
        So, as pathetic as it may sound, I love when she makes me to-do lists, mainly because I can count on her and I doing most of them together. As a man, there are 100 different things I could do on my weekends, but none more fulfilling than being with her, making her happy, and keeping our house and gardens beautiful.
        I take no offense at your response knowing it was based on lack of detail. I welcome anyones critique, good, bad, ugly, right, wrong, or indifferent.

  8. This is great! You touched on it a little, but another VERY important factor IS trust. In order for a woman to open up to her partner and give herself physically and emotionally to him, she has to trust him with her vulnerability and her heart.
    I was in a marriage that my husband was unfaithful, always “checking other women out”, texting/sexting, pornography issues and his emotions were ALWAYS very unstable and I just didn’t trust him. I love sex and would push through all that I could BUT the last few years, when I decided to get real with myself, I stopped pushing through.
    I’m now divorced and in a relationship with the most perfect, trustworthy, honorable, consistent man and I couldn’t love him more and believe ME..I SHOW him every opportunity I can! 🙂 it’s so liberating to trust my partner with all of me..I feel so free and loved!

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  10. This sentence “For a woman to crave and desire physical intimacy with you, she first has to feel emotionally connected.” is simply not true and you shouldn’t write it as if its a fact, you should make it clear that its your personal belief. This is something Americans have been socialized to think is true, but its not. There is ample of evidence out there, you can start by reading “What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner and also ask any woman from Sweden if that sentence is true….

    • By the way, I think the article was really good in general. I just dont like that sentence. I don’t think inherent sexual desire is that different in men and women. I do think its been socialized to appear different though, and especially women’s sexual desire is under attack, but also men’s in terms of how emotional they are allowed to feel.

      • Well put. With the right man… there’s lust, passion, steaminess 🙂 (not sure if that’s a word) And a lot of creative fun. I agree that in general & for centuries, women were not to be thought of as enjoying sex, except maybe the prostitutes. I also think there’s never been concern for women’s pleasure in bed, until relatively recently. I could be wrong,but even online now there are so many men who claim they only care about their pleasure and not about the women. So I also agree that men having and showing feeling needs to be respected more. It’s a shame that men get made fun of for showing emotions, aside from the macho kind. If we work together…fireworks!

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  12. Absolute rubbish. And you say you are well qualified ?
    I suggest you do some research on the matter.
    Women’s biology is the reason. Michelle Langley has written a couple of books that explain it as well as anyone.

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