This Is Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You

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[social_warfare]

You know, it’s funny. Each day when I look at my website analytics I get an overview of some of the search terms that have brought organic traffic to my site through Google or other search engines. Often times there are phrases about what makes a good man, a good woman, making your partner feel valued, and the like.

There is an interesting consistency I also see, though: “My wife won’t have sex with me.” “Wife won’t have sex.” Or another variation of the same problem…all the time. I won’t say these searches happen every single day, but it certainly seems that way.

wonthavesex

Since it’s safe to assume it’s not the same man searching a variation of the same problem every day, this is clearly a widespread problem (I nearly wrote wifespread problem – Freudian slip?). Another important distinction to make is that they are not searching things like “Sexless marriage” or “Why don’t we have sex anymore?” They are literally searching their wife won’t have sex – meaning that it sounds like they are choosing not to have sex with their husbands, for one reason or another.

Now, I’m not married – so am I really qualified to address this issue in detail? Some would probably argue that I’m not. But I think we have to keep things in perspective here that when we are talking about a wife, mother, sister, cousin, aunt, or any other title given to a woman based on her relation to others, she is still always a woman first.

Whether you are in a new relationship, a long term relationship, or a marriage, if a woman won’t have sex with you, it’s clear there is either some sort of dissatisfaction on her end or an issue you have not yet addressed.

Let me make myself clear before some people get mad about this article: No woman is ever obligated to have sex with you, no matter what. You are not entitled to her body, no matter how long you’ve been together. Also, because I know it will come up – withholding sex as punishment is never a good idea and will only lead to more problems.

Now that we have that out of the way, women enjoy sex too – and they should enjoy it with you. If she is actively choosing to not sleep with you, there is a reason for it.

Men: An important lesson all of us can learn about women is the connection they need to feel with us if we have any hope for emotional or physical intimacy. As men, we crave physical intimacy and it is difficult for us to fully experience emotional intimacy without it.

wonthavesex2

However, for women, it is just the opposite. For a woman to crave and desire physical intimacy with you, she first has to feel emotionally connected. Life gets crazy and things get complicated, this is why it requires consistent effort from both sides in order to stay close with our partner and keep the fire burning, no matter what is going on around us.

While this effort does have to come from both sides, it is no secret that men are notorious for being less emotional than women. Less emotionally expressive, and even less emotionally ‘intelligent’ – meaning that on a whole, men have a harder time relating to others and acting accordingly, with empathy.

If you find your wife has retracted herself from you physically, the reason for this is [more than likely] that a separation has grown between you emotionally. This is assuming you have felt it gradually over time and didn’t do something specific that she is mad about. If this gradual separation is what you feel, then you are about to understand the importance of open and honest communication between partners in order to reach a solution to an issue that has arisen.

We have to stay connected. We have to keep a hold on the comfort, affection, love, and passion that was present in the beginning of all of our relationships. There is no reason to let the romance or chivalry fade over time – these are problems that will arise from that.

In fact, being romantic and loving should only increase over time as your partner becomes a bigger, more important part of your life.

There is a scene in a great movie, “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” Where Ryan Gosling stands face to face with Steve Carell and tells him: “Your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of who you are as a man, as a husband, and probably as a lover.”

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Harsh words, but a necessary cause for reflection of many men in today’s society. We are trying to find our place in the world again. Are we still supposed to be the strong, tough, protective type? More sensitive and empathetic? A combination of both? We don’t talk about these issues because men aren’t supposed to talk about our feelings. We are not supposed to talk about our deeper, more emotional issues – but if we have no guidance, we will essentially be like a ship at sea without a destination, trying to find our way in the night.

When this happens, we cease to become the man that she fell in love with. We cease to be the man who would passionately kiss her up against the wall like it was our last day on earth. We cease to plan dates together and do the small things that matter the most – and we can’t. We can’t allow that to happen.

We need to define who we want to be as men, and who we want to be as lovers to the woman in our life. We need to understand that when we “get” a woman, it doesn’t mean we can just stop trying – it means we need to try harder in order to keep her trust and attention which we have earned. It is not a one-shot deal that just lasts forever without stoking the fire.

You want to keep the heart of a woman? Bottom line is you have to be a product, sell yourself daily. She wants you to keep reinventing yourself while still being the essence of the person she met. Don’t fall into a routine, because a routine is indifferent. Surprise her. Show her that you love her by continuing to be better than you were yesterday and better than the rest.

If you can master that, she will never stop loving you.

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Click here to get my new e-book, The Gentleman’s Advantage!

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34 Comments

  1. zampano on December 17, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Well said!

  2. Tim Nicholson on December 17, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    Thank you. The timing on this was dead-on. I needed to hear this.

  3. dmcco01 on December 17, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Exactly!

  4. Jessica on December 17, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    Can you address the reverse? My boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in sex at all. I have some ideas but wondering if there is a bigger picture that I am not seeing.

    • bryanelewis18 on December 19, 2014 at 9:29 am

      Jessica,
      I would think 3 concerns, 1 testosterone, 2 compatibility, 3 filling the need for physical intimacy elsewhere.
      Compatibility I miss understood for years. I kept thinking it meant something was wrong with me. Nothing wrong, just not the right fit for each other. It’s complex because initial intimacy doesn’t mean compatibility. We’ve all been fired up about someone then realized great sex was all we had, then the incompatibilities become apparent and the relationship losses some luster.
      Testosterone Is medical, needs to be addressed by professional.
      The third is about trust and honesty, enough to communicate TWO ways, full disclosure about what we want. Where we are going for fulfillment, how we would like to be fulfilled.

    • tessnorman on December 24, 2014 at 3:15 am

      Jessica, among my circles (both guys and girls), this (the guy is uninterested or less interested in sex) seems to be a much more common problem than the reverse.
      I think there are a million of possible reasons causing this and what Bryan mentions are just three of them… I would suggest seeing an expert.. There is also a book called “Passionate marriage” that is supposed to be real good on this issue.. It talks about how to create intimacy in the relationship.

  5. Scarlet Amor on December 17, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    I was “that” wife/partner. And I can pinpoint precisely when I stopped wanting to have sex with my man (after having a very healthy sex life). It was the day he strayed, broke trust, and started having an affair with another woman. We are energetically sensitive emotional creatures, us ladies, and we can FEEL the disconnection in our hearts and in our body, even if it contradicts our logical minds or facts and figures we see on the surface. Without a deep emotional bond and a sense of security in the relationship, our sexuality will shut down. Men generally stray and cheat when the sex goes bad, but women generally shut down and stop giving sex when the emotional connection goes bad. Who came first, the chicken or the egg? The emotional bond can be healed and renewed with some practice, but once you cheat sexually with another… that is much more difficult to repair. Remember, TRUST is an aphrodisiac!

    • The Free Woman on December 18, 2014 at 2:49 pm

      Well said Scarlet! I always tell me, you may think we don’t know your cheating but we do! Even if a woman never mentions it, we still know!!

  6. Jeannette on December 17, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    James, thanks for this excellent article. It is one of the best of yours.

  7. Nancy Schmidt on December 17, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    James, there’s potentially more to it than that. On the physical side, women also need passion. We need to kiss first to help arouse us. So men need to remember to try and make-out with their wives if they want to progress to a more intimate relationship. Just expecting us to jump to the act is, well, boring and no fun at all.

    • tessnorman on December 24, 2014 at 3:08 am

      I’m a woman and I don’t need to kiss first… but I need to feel desired by the man.. I want to really feel his desire for me, that turns me on more than anything..
      I think everyone is different and its not necessarily gender-based.

  8. ella on December 17, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    You are on the right track. It ties into emotions. It’s the desire to see again that desire in our husbands. The desire they had when we first met them. Told us sweet nothings, would listen to us for hours, ect. When children, careers, life, ect. pull on a man’s attention carving out more and more of their personal time, the sacrificial wife begins to be just that , a sacrifice. Men drop everything for their kids demands, trophies, promotions, parents; but they get “home” to where they can truly be themselves, they become slovenly, self-absorbed, “just relaxing”. It gets Old.

  9. John doe on December 17, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    Well said for a man that isn’t married. Now the real world is different, which is why you are smart enough to never deal with this since you simply break up. In the real world your suggestion requires making a woman feel like a godess every minute of the day, 365. Days a year, in return for a man to get a single blow job for the month… No deal.

    • Beth on December 19, 2014 at 10:03 am

      You’re picking the wrong woman John Doe. BJ’s are fun to give, especially when I’m looking up at “him”. Lust and feeling valued needs to be felt, by me, anyway. So maybe you’re not doing your job or pick better women.

      • Ginger on December 19, 2014 at 2:41 pm

        You go Beth! I was thinking the same thing but didn’t have the guts to say it! My man does everything for me and I certainly enjoy giving back in return.



  10. rickyzg on December 17, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Great article, but that’s really hard for some men to get to that level with all today’s preoccupation but not impossible. Ella I don’t agree with you, men isn’t obligated to give you attention all the time. Long lasting relationship and marriage have foundation in Individuality and their time off one another. But when he comes to his precious he must not take her for granted.

    • ella on December 17, 2014 at 9:46 pm

      I agree, rickyzg. “men isn’t obligated to give you attention all the time. Long lasting relationship and marriage have foundation in Individuality and their time off one another. ”
      When there is no attention for the wife and they still expect attention from the wife, it gets old.

  11. Chad on December 19, 2014 at 12:46 am

    I still have it for her. Regardless of the countless times she has denied my advances, affections, futile attempts to trigger intimacy of any kind… The smell of her, her voice, her profile, the way her hair cradles her face, her love for gardening, listening to her tell stories, etc. I could go on for days! We’ve had our share of hardships like any married couple and I’ve stood right beside her and been supportive the whole way. She makes me a to-do list every Saturday morning and I knock my chores out one by one… Most of the time, the list consists of things she can’t do alone or can’t do at all. I work harder at home than I do at my job. Anything she asks of me, I’m glad to do it because she’s my wife and I love her… anything to make her happy.
    What I get in return is nada… broken promises… I’m too tired… maybe tomorrow…
    It destroys my confidence. It makes me edgy. I feel unattractive and unwanted.
    Whenever I confront her with my feelings on the matter, she either clams up or gets up to go sleep on the couch… both of which are followed by 3-5 days of silent treatment.
    To me, hygiene is a priority. I’m 15-20 lbs lighter than I was when we met. I’m 42 and keep myself in good shape. I’m a selfless lover… I always insist on foreplay for her if she’s willing. She refuses to perform any kind of foreplay on me and I’m a man so that’s really never been a deal breaker.
    I’ve suggested counseling… big mistake!
    I NEED ADVICE! I NEED HELP! I’m trying with every fiber of my being to be strong, stay true to her and work this out. My patience are wearing thin… I just don’t know what to do!

    • Bryan on December 19, 2014 at 10:32 am

      Chad,
      I have been in a very similar situation with my children’s mother. I’m sad to say that I was unsuccessful at saving my marriage. I got to the point where I was indifferent. I would rather have some emotion than not care anymore. I’m not even sure there was anything else I could do. I was romancing her, dedicated to helping with the children and inside the home (chores etc…) and later after we split she thanked me for how I treated her. I have sometimes wondered if the only thing I could have done was make a more appropriate split, as once we split up (at the point where I no longer had any feelings for her) I moved on became involved with another woman before we were actually divorced.
      Thinking back there are a few things I would have done for myself before the end of the relationship. First I would have counseled on my own. She doesn’t need to be there, and a strong commitment to self improvement could change your situation completely. All of the conflicts in history have been about changing someone else. As much as we would like to believe we are not trying to change someone else, (asking her to have sex when she doesn’t want to is asking her to change). The only effective way to incite change is to lead someone there. One person has to believe that where you are, what you have etc….. is better than what they have and where they are. They decide they want to follow your steps and they believe it will lead them to have what you have, lead to being where you are at.
      To let you know where I am coming from, your description fits perfectly. The reasons for not having sex, the promises for change, the silent treatment, you are describing my past relationship exactly.
      The self improvement I did after that relationship lead me to a loving, caring, amazing, incredible woman who I am engaged to marry July 4th 2015.
      I wish you great success!
      Bryan

      • Chad on December 24, 2014 at 8:35 am

        Bryan, my apologies for taking so long to reply. Things have been a little crazy around here getting ready for Christmas.
        At the very least, thank you for your words, confirmations, and advice. After the holidays, I’m going to seek some professional help with my matters. In the meantime, I’ve been implicating changes of my own and have already noticed a difference.
        Again, thank you and Merry Christmas to you and yours.



    • tessnorman on December 24, 2014 at 3:03 am

      Chad, i’m by no means an expert and I think counseling would be the best thing like Bryan said.. Even if you go by yourself.
      I’m just gonna add one thought, and I am sorry if I come off as offensive but its my honest opinion.. when you write: “She makes me a to-do list every Saturday morning and I knock my chores out one by one… ” That is probably the most unattractive thing I have heard anyone say, and if this is in some way representative of your relationship I completely understand why your wife does not want to have sex with you. Why do you have a weekly list of chores? Are you a kid? It sounds like you don’t take initiative around the house, but she has to tell you what needs to be done and you do your “chores” like a kid who then gets to play his video games.. only you are hoping for sex instead of video games.. You also write that you do “anything she asks of you”. It again sounds super unattractive. Don’t get me wrong, you should not act like a dick. But she should not have to ask you to do stuff and she should not have to give you a list of chores (I mean, not on a regular basis, of course you can both ask each other for help with things here and there). You should be contributing more or less equally to the household on your own initiative. Nobody is attracted to a person who can’t take initiative and is a suck-up/pushover… No man would be attracted to this kind of woman either.

      • Chad on December 24, 2014 at 8:25 am

        Well tessnorman, I can easily see why you would take the position you have on my wife’s chore list for me. In my efforts to keep my column short and to the point, there are many things that I didn’t mention or failed to elaborate on.
        I am constantly working around our home. Whether it’s yard work, remodeling, repiping, gardening, cleaning, laundry, etc. Anything that I can plainly see needs to be done. The chore list, as childish as it my sound, are items that my wife puts in prioritized order. Typically, they consist of her ideas, dreams, or just basic “to-do’s” for her. Some things she can do on her own. Some things she needs my help with. Then there are things she hopes for but has no earthly idea how to do or where to start.
        So, as pathetic as it may sound, I love when she makes me to-do lists, mainly because I can count on her and I doing most of them together. As a man, there are 100 different things I could do on my weekends, but none more fulfilling than being with her, making her happy, and keeping our house and gardens beautiful.
        I take no offense at your response knowing it was based on lack of detail. I welcome anyones critique, good, bad, ugly, right, wrong, or indifferent.



  12. vaughtgn on December 19, 2014 at 6:15 am

    Reblogged this on I Will Try This at Home.

  13. michelledancy2014 on December 19, 2014 at 10:29 am

    This is great! You touched on it a little, but another VERY important factor IS trust. In order for a woman to open up to her partner and give herself physically and emotionally to him, she has to trust him with her vulnerability and her heart.
    I was in a marriage that my husband was unfaithful, always “checking other women out”, texting/sexting, pornography issues and his emotions were ALWAYS very unstable and I just didn’t trust him. I love sex and would push through all that I could BUT the last few years, when I decided to get real with myself, I stopped pushing through.
    I’m now divorced and in a relationship with the most perfect, trustworthy, honorable, consistent man and I couldn’t love him more and believe ME..I SHOW him every opportunity I can! 🙂 it’s so liberating to trust my partner with all of me..I feel so free and loved!

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  15. Therese on December 24, 2014 at 2:37 am

    This sentence “For a woman to crave and desire physical intimacy with you, she first has to feel emotionally connected.” is simply not true and you shouldn’t write it as if its a fact, you should make it clear that its your personal belief. This is something Americans have been socialized to think is true, but its not. There is ample of evidence out there, you can start by reading “What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner and also ask any woman from Sweden if that sentence is true….

    • tessnorman on December 24, 2014 at 3:21 am

      By the way, I think the article was really good in general. I just dont like that sentence. I don’t think inherent sexual desire is that different in men and women. I do think its been socialized to appear different though, and especially women’s sexual desire is under attack, but also men’s in terms of how emotional they are allowed to feel.

      • Beth on December 28, 2014 at 8:38 pm

        Well put. With the right man… there’s lust, passion, steaminess 🙂 (not sure if that’s a word) And a lot of creative fun. I agree that in general & for centuries, women were not to be thought of as enjoying sex, except maybe the prostitutes. I also think there’s never been concern for women’s pleasure in bed, until relatively recently. I could be wrong,but even online now there are so many men who claim they only care about their pleasure and not about the women. So I also agree that men having and showing feeling needs to be respected more. It’s a shame that men get made fun of for showing emotions, aside from the macho kind. If we work together…fireworks!



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  17. Husband on February 1, 2017 at 10:25 am

    Total BS, most women who leave their men hanging do it because they are selfish. Period.

  18. Rob W on October 15, 2017 at 1:14 am

    Absolute rubbish. And you say you are well qualified ?
    I suggest you do some research on the matter.
    Women’s biology is the reason. Michelle Langley has written a couple of books that explain it as well as anyone.

  19. JojoJohn on April 21, 2018 at 2:23 am

    That’s bull. Women have sex with men they dont “trust” all the time. I’m starting to think the opposite is true. If they trust you too much, they aren’t really attracted

    • Callie on November 7, 2019 at 7:22 am

      I would not have sex with my husband because every time I felt it was time to let him out of the doghouse his father, me and the community put him in just to gain some cooperation within the social order. We would propose a solution to the problems and he would promptly step on those solutions to be sent back to the dog house telling us we had no right to dictate the terms we did to him. Until he 3was willing to show compassion to the problems people had with UAW seniority he had and His military training that when people would get in the way of what he felt he had rights to, He started after 2000 to leave men broken and bleeding for that interference. It was so bad that his father after 2000 said if he was going to push his rights under his seniority to Limits that when we came home from Bavaria with a proposal that he replace the Milliniall Holiday we had him held in jail by court order, to force him to work instead of five younger seniority men and women.

      When we came home On his 45th birthday. We had a Proposal that instead of be angry we had him jailed without charges and forced to work a double shift he could stop rampaging through carreers, and peoples lives and He could take the first three days we were home, Use them as the Christmas. New Year. and his birthday as the days to celebrate the holidays and his birthday and Replace the shutdown everyone else ebjoyed with the time until the 24th the company was willing to pay in full as the replacement time just to stop any more pain caused by him in Job Loss’s and community problems with getting the sheriff in bad trouble for not seeing to his constutional rights and a judge for perceived persecution and civil rights violations in trying to find ways around my husbands seniority.

      I came back with a reservation to a B and B from the 7th to the 24th planed on the Straights of Mackinack as the holiday replacement to Bavaria It might not have been the New Years Eve Celebrations of 1999 in the Beer Halls of Munich and the fireworks But the clock we bought for 1300 had pictures of it all in changing scenes as the hoped for peace offering.

      He would not even look at it or the pictures saying just another holiday he was forced to work and have his nose rubbed in it. Even the Unions attempt to get food will with those that had been forced to work in the plant on New Years eve was met by a solid it should have been done by seniority, not the union kissing the rear of the local big wigs in politic.s, Religion and management. Making the men that had served there country with honor but did not have mommy and daddy’/s in high position work instead of going by seniority as the contract said. The national Union Backed that group that complained they had to work instead of men and women with far less time on the books.

      That’s the situation we walked into when we came back, Bitterness from my husbands group> Revenge being taken on the social order and those that tried to find a middle ground. As for Me and My husbands family he had a special treatment in mind for having him jailed on the 23rd of December 1999 when he had the highest department seniority without a day off between the navy and the plant in 18 years. It was always he wanted it the way he wanted his time or nothing. The Unions Chaplain and the Commiteeman that worked had arranged for a dinner and ability to at least participate in the City Celebrations for the four hours around the Milliniall change at Midnight If they had not been so angry and obstinate to a man they could have had a bice meal , one drink to toast the new year in before gong back to work at 2 AM and watched the Fireworks right behind the hall They would have had some little of the celebrations, Maybe not what they had wanted but it would have been something, As usual with that group they got all that was due or they took nothing but returned hell on earth because they did not get their way by contract.

      I came home to a Christmas Gift of a box of dog leavings and a note telling me that was wort more than our marriage For trying to keep the peace in the community. The Insult given his mother and father for the same reasons was far worse, A wagon Wheel with Wrist ties set up in their yard, a bull whip handed to his father and he took his coat and shirts off yelling were we going to show the courage of our convictions and whip the uppity slave until he was dead for his insolence Up Until the holidays in 2008 every time he was stopped from using his seniority as he saw fit somebody paid in Pain. Then It came to over the holidays in 2008 ge s6tarted directly attacking those that were interfering as they did. On thanks giving and Christmas he left five men in ORs for repair In May 2009when we canceled his berth on the Orient Express telling him we had made a different time In January in six more months for his vacation He tried to tear My arm off and then Murder His father for canceling his berth. . We came back to no pickup but instead we were read our rights for acting as false agency for trying to do what was best for all. I served three months In county Jail then started probation for doing so.

      It was 6the first I knew a wife was not allowed to decide for her husband his time off. or any thing else for that matter. HE became so depressed that summer about things, Just never finding a joy in just working and doing what other people needed, HE became Ill with MRSA in his Spine that nearly killed him and put him in Rehab the next three years, Again I had a choice to make about holidays Sign his paperwork to be bought home by wheel chair van or leave him in the rehab for the holidays and try after words to reason with him about how much trouble he would have cause sitting at home in a wheel chair with the resentments that had built . He would not forgive any thing from 31 years of what was under Phscoloigcal care is last year in Rehab to be criminal abuse of an adult for over three decades, When he finally came home In February 2013 Retired. Walking with a walker or cane and Coming through the door on a evening I had made other plans with his parents and his fathers best friend for a black tie dinner HE had decided that he was going to have his way or I was going to hurt I was begging him just to meet us in four hours so we could have a talk with cool heads. I was Not asking for decades, years months or days Like I had I was just begging for 4 hours and Maybe we could find solutions that would net him what he had wanted the last 31 years. Nobody had to hurt for what had been done to him. HE disagreed tearing every stich off me and forcing the sex I had not permitted before MRSA as the eventual reward for cooperation/ He told me when he was done Now take the phone The number was 911 Don’t clean up and don’t pick up for the Rape kit and Crime scene Photos. Let see which of us served more time in prison. Me for Fraud and Extorsion for the last 31 years. He was right I could turn him in for marital sexual misconduct.

      The ADA told me she could get a conviction. But she took a small sized book off her desk and handed it to me as I sat with his father across from her. He wanted to lodge a complaint that his defiance had lead to so many being hurt just because he wanted to do as he pleased. She told me to look at what was in that large book. It was a copy of my journals that had been scanned off to disk. My husband had already been there. She asked me why had we expected him to pay my waythrough life while me and his father used him to further our social status in the community when he did not get even the love and comfort a wife that did not work should have provided, she looked at his father and said among other names that I had mentioned in my Journals. It was always mentioned with the forced work that had been heaped on him> She had his time keeping and supervisors notes on refusing the holidays then still ending up being the selectee working. She shuffled pictures on her desk and handed them to his father asking what right did he and other friends have to stand armed behind him and make him work the holidays. His crying father said she had to understand there were just so many that had needs. She asked didn’t my husand have needs also or was he just a machine we owned.

      She said get out she would not file my charges. My husband would remain a free man and the community could hang. Since that day he came home from rehab. We have not seen one instance of cooperation.

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