You know, it’s funny. Each day when I look at my website analytics I get an overview of some of the search terms that have brought organic traffic to my site through Google or other search engines. Often times there are phrases about what makes a good man, a good woman, making your partner feel valued, and the like.
There is an interesting consistency I also see, though: “My wife won’t have sex with me.” “Wife won’t have sex.” Or another variation of the same problem…all the time. I won’t say these searches happen every single day, but it certainly seems that way.
Since it’s safe to assume it’s not the same man searching a variation of the same problem every day, this is clearly a widespread problem (I nearly wrote wifespread problem – Freudian slip?). Another important distinction to make is that they are not searching things like “Sexless marriage” or “Why don’t we have sex anymore?” They are literally searching their wife won’t have sex – meaning that it sounds like they are choosing not to have sex with their husbands, for one reason or another.
Now, I’m not married – so am I really qualified to address this issue in detail? Some would probably argue that I’m not. But I think we have to keep things in perspective here that when we are talking about a wife, mother, sister, cousin, aunt, or any other title given to a woman based on her relation to others, she is still always a woman first.
Whether you are in a new relationship, a long term relationship, or a marriage, if a woman won’t have sex with you, it’s clear there is either some sort of dissatisfaction on her end or an issue you have not yet addressed.
Let me make myself clear before some people get mad about this article: No woman is ever obligated to have sex with you, no matter what. You are not entitled to her body, no matter how long you’ve been together. Also, because I know it will come up – withholding sex as punishment is never a good idea and will only lead to more problems.
Now that we have that out of the way, women enjoy sex too – and they should enjoy it with you. If she is actively choosing to not sleep with you, there is a reason for it.
Men: An important lesson all of us can learn about women is the connection they need to feel with us if we have any hope for emotional or physical intimacy. As men, we crave physical intimacy and it is difficult for us to fully experience emotional intimacy without it.
However, for women, it is just the opposite. For a woman to crave and desire physical intimacy with you, she first has to feel emotionally connected. Life gets crazy and things get complicated, this is why it requires consistent effort from both sides in order to stay close with our partner and keep the fire burning, no matter what is going on around us.
While this effort does have to come from both sides, it is no secret that men are notorious for being less emotional than women. Less emotionally expressive, and even less emotionally ‘intelligent’ – meaning that on a whole, men have a harder time relating to others and acting accordingly, with empathy.
If you find your wife has retracted herself from you physically, the reason for this is [more than likely] that a separation has grown between you emotionally. This is assuming you have felt it gradually over time and didn’t do something specific that she is mad about. If this gradual separation is what you feel, then you are about to understand the importance of open and honest communication between partners in order to reach a solution to an issue that has arisen.
We have to stay connected. We have to keep a hold on the comfort, affection, love, and passion that was present in the beginning of all of our relationships. There is no reason to let the romance or chivalry fade over time – these are problems that will arise from that.
In fact, being romantic and loving should only increase over time as your partner becomes a bigger, more important part of your life.
There is a scene in a great movie, “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” Where Ryan Gosling stands face to face with Steve Carell and tells him: “Your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of who you are as a man, as a husband, and probably as a lover.”
Harsh words, but a necessary cause for reflection of many men in today’s society. We are trying to find our place in the world again. Are we still supposed to be the strong, tough, protective type? More sensitive and empathetic? A combination of both? We don’t talk about these issues because men aren’t supposed to talk about our feelings. We are not supposed to talk about our deeper, more emotional issues – but if we have no guidance, we will essentially be like a ship at sea without a destination, trying to find our way in the night.
When this happens, we cease to become the man that she fell in love with. We cease to be the man who would passionately kiss her up against the wall like it was our last day on earth. We cease to plan dates together and do the small things that matter the most – and we can’t. We can’t allow that to happen.
We need to define who we want to be as men, and who we want to be as lovers to the woman in our life. We need to understand that when we “get” a woman, it doesn’t mean we can just stop trying – it means we need to try harder in order to keep her trust and attention which we have earned. It is not a one-shot deal that just lasts forever without stoking the fire.
You want to keep the heart of a woman? Bottom line is you have to be a product, sell yourself daily. She wants you to keep reinventing yourself while still being the essence of the person she met. Don’t fall into a routine, because a routine is indifferent. Surprise her. Show her that you love her by continuing to be better than you were yesterday and better than the rest.
If you can master that, she will never stop loving you.
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