5 Signs You Might Be Settling
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As a man, I hold myself to a certain standard for how I treat (all) women, and especially those close to me. Because of this, I can’t help but be a bit perturbed when I see or hear about examples of mistreatment that could be avoided.
Nobody should ever have to settle for less than they deserve just for the sake of being with someone. The problem these days is, sometimes mistreatment or “good enough I guess” is seen as normal and acceptable. If you have found yourself in a situation like this, it’s time to raise your standards.
Here are five signs you might be settling…
1) You don’t feel like a priority.
While one’s life shouldn’t revolve around their relationship, when you make a commitment to a woman in your life, she should move to the top of your list of priorities. Sure, we still have our own lives, friends, work, commitments – but that is no reason to ever neglect our woman or make her feel like second best.
If you always feel like you come second place to other parts of your man’s life, you might be settling for less than you deserve.
2) He doesn’t improve your confidence.
My belief is that a man should always be making his woman feel beautiful. It doesn’t have to be a grand romantic gesture, but a simple text during the day or a kiss on the forehead can be enough to make her smile and feel appreciated.
If your man doesn’t help you feel better about yourself (he should never make you feel worse), you might be settling for less than you deserve.
3) He takes away more of your happiness than he adds.
It’s unfortunate that this even has to be said, but it does. It doesn’t matter how much you “love” someone, if they bring more negativity to your life than positivity, you need to let them go.
If you argue more than you talk, are rarely intimate, and/or he has a negative attitude towards you, you might be settling for less than you deserve.
4) You have to prove yourself to him.
A man who truly cares for you will commit himself to you for that reason. He will love you because of who you are, not because of what you do (or can do) for him.
If you feel as though you have to work just to keep your man interested, you might be settling for less than you deserve.
5) You sacrifice more than you compromise.
This one is the most telling. Nobody is perfect, we know that. Some people have an impossible set of standards that need to be bent a little bit in order for a real live person to be what they want. But, there is a limit.
If you find that the man you’re with doesn’t even resemble the same species as the man you were searching for, then you may have crossed over from compromise into sacrifice. We must always remember that staying single and waiting until the right person comes along is always better for your happiness than committing yourself to negative relationships along the way.
I find that many members of the younger generations are so unaware of what a happy, healthy relationship looks like, that they don’t even know what standards to set for themselves. I have found this list to be helpful both for women to help define what they want, and for men to set an outline for who they want to be.
The first step to keeping yourself happy is to recognize your own value and self worth. Then, and only then, will you recognize when someone is falling below the standards you have set for yourself, and will know not to accept it.
Never negotiate your own value, the right person will come along and love everything about you that the wrong people took for granted.
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Thank you for the reminder. I seem to always have problems with the priority sign. When a guy acts interested when it’s convenient for him but doesn’t share in important parts of my life, he is not what I deserve. When he says he enjoyed the date and the night spent over and he will check on me later about something I want to do but never does, he is not what I deserve. When he invites me over just to end it early with no explanation and make me feel like I’m suddenly being sent home, he is not what I deserve. When he just wants to call when he’s been out drinking with friends, he is not what I deserve. When he’s always “working” and fails to make plans, he is not what I deserve. When he changes the time of the dinner date 30 minutes prior and moves it up 2 1/2 hours so he and his brother can go get new tires put in his sister’s SUV, on a Sunday night, he isn’t what I deserve. And, yes, these are all separate guys I have dates this year. It makes me wonder if there is actually anyone out there who is not sketchy.
Sounds like my year too !
We (women) set the standard for the culture we allow and the treatment we deserve. If we make ourselves available at his whim, last priority, we will be the last priority. People usually only expend the amount of effort needed to obtain and/or maintain the prize. And, the sketchy comment … I fell deeply in love with a man who swept me off my feet. He did everything right. He worked at it. With no warning, I was dumped and betrayed, my reputation trashed by lies. It wasn’t until after the dirt settled that I realized I was the one that was sketchy. I’m too intelligent and balanced to have fallen for someone that soon and of that character. I knew him growing up, fell for him when I was very young, and for some unknown reason allowed myself to be swept off my feet by someone I hadn’t spoken to or “known” for decades. I saw how he treated others, how he bullied his own family members, the direct comments from my friends about his character – they hated him, everything about him – and, we all grew up together. My friends have never once spoke up about anyone that I have gone out with. Not once. This guy, every single one chimed in. That, is sketchy. I think dating different people is fine to see what you like, who you like, who you’re like. To expect to find someone that we aren’t settling for … that takes investment in ourselves and determining what we want, what we deserve, what we expect and the ability to communicate the same up front. The minute any of our lines are crossed … end it. Keeping something going that isn’t what we want is not going to be what the other person wants either. I know now, that I fell in love with someone stating they loved me, the attention, the consistent contact (found out later his daughter calendared me into his phone) … he was very romantic on FB and on the phone. In person, he was completely the opposite. He was able to hide his addictions “behind the scenes.” In person, he couldn’t cope and was verbally abusive. I don’t think it was intentional, it was obvious he was suffering with withdrawal issues. I could see his pain. When he was high or drunk (FB/phone) he was absolutely the most attentive and romantic person I have ever known. A dream. A keeper. He would make plans (a camping weekend where I was able to schedule time off), not even a cancellation call or explanation of where he was. Excuses of working over the weekends, nights, family emergencies, etc. Durations of missing in action (I assumed he was cheating, now I’m assuming he was drunk or high). Photos on FB of his conquests the night before (out with the guys). Emails from my friends who personally knew his conquests, and then some. The very moment you don’t feel appreciated, respected or heard, should be the last moment. I deeply love this person with all my heart. Since I was a child, I knew. You cannot take the stand ups, the disrespect, the lies, the excuses, the working late, the players – personally. They are boys, lost boys … they are the dreams we had in childhood … the Disney fantasies shoved down our throats. They are not men. We deserve men. Men deserve us. So, don’t give them any more of your thoughts, your energy, tears … just shift, turn, and RUN. Chalk it up to experience and move forward. Do NOT search to see what they are up to, or where they are, or with who. Because more than likely the “who” is going through the same imaginarium you were. Love yourself, define what you want, what you deserve, and accept nothing less. Communicate your needs and desires up front. Second chances … I would consider settling. Be kind, be gentle, be loving, be firm, end it. If we allow someone to disrespect us … we are the one’s that are being sketch.
Reblogged this on cestjustedansmatete.
I really wish you hadn’t started the emails we can’t read until we access it online. You are now ‘kicking out’ those of us who can’t afford mobile internet access. I can no longer download your emails and then read them out in the park. I’ve shared them with a lot of people and probably added a few followers. But now that’s over. Sorry you did that. I’ll miss that sharing.
Sarah Perry Sent from my iPad
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I just started following, but I noticed most of the post on the site are two ways where this one seems to be strictly for the women. These same attributes go the other way…