When we are committing our time, energy, and attention to someone – it is only natural that we hope for the same in return. Particularly if we are hoping to build an actual relationship with this person.
Many inquiries I get from women involve their confusion about whether or not the man they are seeing is serious about them. My belief is that if you are really that confused about someone’s intentions, then odds are your instincts are correct and they are probably not that serious.
But most of us have likely been in a situation where our emotions have muddled our perspective and it is a little more difficult to see the reality of the circumstances rather than what we want them to be. For that reason I have compiled a list of red flags that I have recognized in these inquiries which, had they been seen earlier, could’ve saved many a heart from being broken.
1. He doesn’t plan ahead [with you].
As a man, I can easily say that when I meet a woman who I see a real future with, I immediately want her to be part of it. If a man is serious about you, he will want to know what you are doing next weekend. And the weekend after that. And for the holidays. And…well, you get the idea.
If a man is not serious about committing to you, he will definitely not be serious about committing to any future plans with you. The harsh truth is, he is likely just keeping his options open by not tying himself to any specific plans with one person. Don’t see this as being ‘spontaneous,’ he is just avoiding getting serious.
2. He doesn’t rely on you for support.
In a healthy relationship, both teammates involve each other in all areas of their lives. This includes the ups and the downs. They support each other and encourage each other. If a man only tells you about the great things going on and never confides in you about more serious topics, it is likely a sign that he does not see you as a source of the love and support required to build a solid relationship.
3. He doesn’t stay by your side.
For once I actually don’t mean this metaphorically. I mean literally, physically, does not stay by your side. While this goes for any time of year, we are currently in the holiday season which often involves parties and events. If he brings you along as a plus one but you find him escaping to the bar or go to ‘talk to a friend’ more than he is actually with you, see it as a red flag. This is particularly true if you are at an event for him where you don’t know many people – no good man would leave you stranded.
4. He does big things…but never small things.
Grand romantic gestures are fantastic. Anyone who has read my articles could take a wild guess that I am a fan of movie-like romance, but the truth is that on a day to day basis these are not the things that hold relationships together. The small gestures that show thoughtfulness, affection, and appreciation are what really count – because they don’t require a special occasion or holiday.
If a man doesn’t pay attention to the small things or show you that he cares on a regular basis, how are you supposed to trust him when the big things arise? When there is a legitimate life challenge? When things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows? My guess is, you can’t.
5. He is selfish in bed.
This is a telling sign of a man who is likely selfish in other areas of life as well. It is not just a literal problem, it is a symbolic problem that stretches far beyond you not being satisfied intimately. If he doesn’t care about your needs inside the bedroom, he likely doesn’t have much concern for them outside of it, either.
6. There are areas of his life that he keeps you from.
Sure, there is a process when someone begins to get intertwined into our lives. It’s not like throwing them into the deep end of a swimming pool – so if you haven’t met everyone just yet, don’t be concerned.
The concern though, can come in if you notice that there are specific things he consistently keeps you from. For example, if he has women in his life he won’t allow you to meet or certain ‘best friends’ you haven’t met yet, and you have been dating for awhile. These should be people he is excited to introduce you to, not that he wants to keep you from.
7. He doesn’t value your input.
A man will not be able to have a strong, healthy, long lasting relationship with a woman whose opinions he doesn’t value and respect. If he does value and respect them, then it is likely he will come to you for advice when facing a challenge or when he just wants to vent to you about a problem.
8. You can feel him slowly drifting away.
I have spoken to many women who feel this happening and do their damnedest to make up for it. He starts to text you a little less frequently, so you start to text him more frequently to make up for it. He is less enthusiastic about making plans with you. He is suddenly ‘too busy’ to see you…
A man who is truly interested in you will always make time for you, no matter how busy he is. No excuses, lies, or broken promises. This does not dwindle over time – it should intensify as you become a larger part of his life.
9. You sense that he is trying to change you.
If a man begins to criticize you in any way or you get the feeling that he is making ‘suggestions’ that fundamentally go against the woman you are – he is likely trying to change you into the person that he wants you to be, rather than appreciating you for the person that you are. This drastically increases the likelihood of him walking away sooner rather than later when he realizes he can’t change you.
10. He doesn’t share in the boring things with you.
That’s right, the boring things. You may ask yourself, how can sharing in boring things possibly be a good thing? The reason is simple – when you share in the boring things with someone like furniture shopping or mundane errands, they are officially part of your ‘real life.’ The things that aren’t exciting. The things that aren’t romantic. The things that aren’t grand gestures and nice dinners.
If his attention is always on what the two of you are doing more than it is actually on you, it is a red flag that he’s keeping you at arm’s length rather than really allowing you to be a full part of his life.
I have said this before and I will say it again because it is fitting to this topic of discussion: The best way to determine if a man is serious about you is simply by being honest with yourself and listening to your intuition. If you always have to be asking yourself if he is serious, then you probably already have your answer.
All you have to do is have enough respect for yourself to accept it.