Before You Find A Relationship, Find Yourself


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Growing up, we are exposed to fairy tales and love stories. Grand romantic gestures and transcending life challenges for two people to be together. Ending up “alone” is consistently portrayed as a negative, and riding off into the sunset with your soul mate is shown to be the idealistic goal for all of us.

Sure, we would all like to find someone – but when this idea of win or lose is ingrained in our mind from an early age, what does it create?

It creates an incredible pressure on people from youth to find, and be with someone. It tells us that our worth is based on our ability to stay in a relationship. Rather than creating an emotional synergy, it is almost as if we are in a battle with ourselves. What if doing what feels right is the same thing that makes us feel like we have ‘failed’?


If we look at things in this light, we can begin to see why people stay in negative relationships that don’t truly make them happy – at least they have someone. They might fight more than they kiss, they might barely talk to each other, they might never go out on dates together…but hey, at least they’re not single.

And, the cycle continues.

To find real happiness, this perception has to change. We need to shift our way of thinking to value ourselves rather than whether or not someone is in our life. We need to understand that true happiness comes from within, and only then will we be fully suited to have a healthy relationship with another (fulfilled) person.

You don’t need someone to complete you – only someone to accept you completely.

You can be happy and fulfilled being single, or you can be happy and fulfilled married with as many children as you choose to have. Just because two lifestyles are different does not mean one is better or worse than the other.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be. You need to value yourself enough to not settle for less than you deserve. To look at a situation that is not bringing you what you need out of life, and be able to say “I deserve better, dammit.” To walk away from what doesn’t make you happy or grow you as a person.

Furthermore, it is not only about the love we accept – it is about the love we can give. If we think about filling a glass of water, we can see ourselves as the first glass that needs to rise to the top. Only then will we be able to keep contributing and overflow into others. If we only fill ourselves partially before we pour into other glasses, we will constantly be lacking the completeness we thought we would find in them. We have to get our own lives in order first, and then share them with someone.


If we look outside for fulfillment and expect somebody else to be able to fill the void, we will never truly find it. When we find it within ourselves, it will provide us with the foundation we need in order to realize our full potential and become the best person we can. The person who we want to share with others.

It has been said that we only accept the love we think we deserve, but the beautiful part about this is that you decide what you deserve. Other people do not determine your value – that’s why it’s called self-worth.

You can be happy, if only you decide to be.

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  1. on November 20, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Hello Mr Sama, Sometimes we know these things but we need to be remained. Thanks for sharing. In my culture we’re pressure to get married or engaged/start a family in our 20s. I’m currently in my early 30s and having done none of the above. Good men are hard to find.. Heehee.. On the contrary, I believe I have to work on a better me and your post has been very inspirational. Thanks again. 🙂
    Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel

    • Samantha on December 25, 2015 at 1:27 pm

      I completely agree as someone who comes from an Indian background where marriage is expected to occur in your 20’s and well,if you don’t then there must be something wrong with you. At the age of 27, I haven’t really dated much due to my studies and I’m currently reading for my PhD which leaves little or no time for anything else. At the same time however, this list serves as a reminder as to the work I have do on myself before taking that leap with somebody else as I certainly don’t want my future relationships to be unhealthy failures. Sure, loving yourself isn’t necessarily a “pre-requisite” for getting into a relationship but it is absolutely vital of you are looking to cultivate a healthy one.

  2. Laarni Obsioma on November 20, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    I’m so relate with this thanks….

  3. KARINA FRAGOMENI on November 20, 2014 at 2:52 pm


  4. theclassyitgirl on November 20, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    I loved this! I think every word is so true. If you don’t love yourself first you won’t be able to love someone else. Happiness is a choice but you can’t be looking for it in someone or be dependent on people/things to make you happy. xo!

  5. So true?

  6. Nancy Cokinda on November 20, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    Stated so well! A friend of mine laughed as she showed me her new private corner office that came with her promotion. She said, “I’ve become the person my family wanted me to marry!” In my generation, well said! After becoming the best version of herself, she then attracted an equal male partner (not at the same company), and has continued a great life!

  7. Susan nestor on November 23, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Hi James! I’m a 60 year old woman who after 30 years of marriage finds myself single again. My 25 year old daughter turned me on to your blog and I can’t tell you how refreshing and brilliant you are. Not only do you give amazing advice, you are a beautiful writer. I talk about your blog to everyone. Thank you.

  8. nuraimshadelnial2 on November 24, 2014 at 3:29 am

    Reblogged this on nuraimshadelnial2.

  9. CHANSEY :) on November 24, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    Reblogged this on I'm not a saint.

  10. pbarron2014 on November 25, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Reblogged this on Awkwardly Able.

  11. Phyllis on December 2, 2014 at 1:39 am

    Reblogged this on infinite .

  12. Mighty Joe Young on December 15, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    When we look inside ourselves, I’m not sure what I’m meant to be looking for, in all honesty. Personality? Strengths? Weaknesses?
    Its probably a simple answer I’ve just not caught onto. Can someone explain this to me please?

  13. straight forward on December 17, 2014 at 12:23 am

    how can you find yourself and a good relationship if you where born into a world of darken, into seeing the outcome of bad relationships’ and having a front row set to that. to seeing how love is very two faced there’s the good kind of love and bad and you don’t know which one you’ll get. so you think relationships aren’t whether it, but you do respect yourself and love yourself your just not open to the idea of love , so my question is how do you over come that void. When you have learned to excepted you flaws and imperfections and love yourself?

  14. brendaxyz on December 23, 2014 at 4:02 am

    Reblogged this on Brenda..

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