The Importance Of Recognizing Real Love


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Why do people who love you always lie to you and think it’s okay?

Why do people who love you try to change you?

Why do people who love you prevent you from doing what you love?

These are just a few of the questions I receive from readers frequently, and all have the same answer:

They don’t.


People who truly love you do not do these, or other negative things to you. People who really love you will not betray your trust. They will not lie to you, especially repeatedly. Love is a product of honesty, trust, and mutual respect – without those things you cannot have real love.

This may be infatuation masquerading as love. This may be someone who is trying to control you and keep you with them by making you think that they love you. This may be someone you are attached to who you are trying to defend. But, this is not someone who loves you.

I believe one of the most important things that we can teach our future (and current) generations, is what love truly looks like. People who constantly hurt you and lie to you do not truly love you and we absolutely cannot allow decent human beings to continue remaining in relationships like this, while believing it is normal or right.

It’s not.

If we want our world to improve, we must lead by example. We must pledge to treat our significant others with love and respect – and we must pledge to walk away when we are not getting what we deserve.

There is a recurring theme on this website about recognizing your own self worth and setting the proper standards for the people you allow into your life. That is because these two things, when adjusted, will have dramatic impacts on our lives. Furthermore, the two often go hand in hand because we cannot effectively set our standards without first recognizing what it is that we deserve.


When we truly understand our own value, we face the realization that it is better to be single and only accept the love you truly deserve, than to commit yourself to negative relationships along the way that will make you feel worthless or unwanted. The wrong relationship will make you feel more alone than being single does.

There is an inaccurate misconception in our society that tells us that people who are in relationships are automatically happy, and those who are single, are not. So, we often chase after any relationship that comes our way just for the want of being happy. We must set our standards higher. We must reward the right treatment, and punish the wrong.


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It is not good enough to say it out loud, we must live by example. We must eliminate those from our lives who bring us down, and only accept those who lift us up. The number one way to begin doing this is by being truly honest with ourselves about which people are which – and having the courage to let the wrong ones go.

Someone who loves you…who really loves you, will enhance your life just by being present in it. When they are right for you, you will find yourself smiling throughout the day for no reason. They will be your sunshine after a long day. They will be the first person you want to share your news with, no matter how big or small. Their happiness will be your happiness, your emotions linked to theirs, and theirs to yours.

There will be no dishonesty, suspicion, or distrust. Only security, respect, and honesty. Without a full recognition of what a loving relationship does and doesn’t look like, how will we know when to walk away or when to stay? With less and less healthy relationships serving as role models for our youth, how do we know what to look for?


We feel it, and we need to be honest with ourselves about what we feel. If you feel undervalued, disrespected, or unappreciated – that is the only example you need. The key is to actually listen to your instincts and act accordingly. If somebody really loves you, you will know it and you will feel it. If they don’t, you will be wondering all the time if they do.

Life is too short to be surrounded by negativity, and it’s definitely too short to go to bed next to somebody who brings it to our lives.

Click here to get my new e-book, The Gentleman’s Advantage!



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  1. rlcarterrn on November 3, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Great article, as always. I think so much of the time people don’t want to admit that when they’ve been hurt it was b/c what they were experiencing wasn’t real love. But without admitting that & facing the truth, however bleak it may seem, they are destined to keep making the same mistakes over & over again. I’ve always felt you can’t have real love unless both parties are “all in” & treating each other with the respect & admiration that real love requires.

  2. booboojing on November 3, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    Beautifully written and I can relate with it completely. Some day, I shall attempt to walk out of my toxic relationship and try to find true love.

    • Hilary on November 3, 2014 at 9:13 pm

      Today is that someday. No one should stay if they already know in their heart it’s toxic. This is the voice of experience, start now to put things in motion to get out and get out safely if need be. Good luck.

      • princessdoodlebug on November 4, 2014 at 12:07 am

        Sometimes it’s just not that simple.

      • nancyw00t on November 5, 2014 at 11:52 am

        I agree with Hilary. I know it’s easier said than done, I was in a toxic relationship for 3.5 years. When I finally had the courage to leave, the healing process was difficult but well worth it. I learned so much about myself, and most importantly, my self worth. I learned I will never waste my time and energy who treats me poorly. I deserve the best! I got into another relationship recently, and I dumped him because he lied to me and disrespected me. It lasted only two months. The more you value yourself, the faster you’ll recognize toxic people. The more you respect yourself, the easier it is to walk away.

        When you find your inner strength to finally leave, give yourself time to heal and make yourself happy. Never depend on someone else for anything! Best of luck!

  3. aljm2713 on November 3, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    Reblogged this on Life inside my mind and commented:
    I was truly touched by this post. Very often my husband says I like you. And from a random persons perspective you might think that it was strange because he didn’t say I love you. You love your family, siblings, and parents. But sometimes you don’t like them. You love them and would probably do most anything for them because they are blood. But it takes liking someone to truly love them.
    I’ve been with my husband since 2010… Within 3 months we knew we were meant to be together and were married by April of 2011. We have no secrets and we are each others sole mate. We haven’t had one real fight since we met (unless you count pregnancy hormones at the end of my pregnancy). We have this understanding that most people don’t understand. We often look at TV relationships and wonder why people settle? Doesn’t everyone want happiness? Or if you thought you were happy and things go south, why stay in it? Everyone deserves happiness and love, so don’t settle for lust, greed or making others happy. Only you can make yourself happy 🙂

  4. […] The Importance Of Recognizing Real Love. […]

  5. Naicker, Jeeva J on November 4, 2014 at 1:59 am

    Thank you..
    Very true ..
    Have an awesome day

  6. […] * The Importance Of Recognizing Real Love […]

  7. Louise on February 11, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    Hey James could you do an audio version – its difficult to read your amazing writing, whilst drunk and crying over ANOTHER man – Thanks XX

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