Well, you guys, we have really done it now. We as men have successfully destroyed the concept of actually approaching women and paying them a genuine compliment. Guys yell out of car windows, cat-call women on the street (and insult them when they don’t answer), and leave ridiculous comments on Facebook photos.
Unfortunately, the words “hot,” “sexy,” and “beautiful” have been nearly destroyed and terribly watered down by these slobbering dogs. And honestly, it comes across a little try-hard, creepy, and unoriginal when you use them – especially if you don’t know her.
So needless to say, if we ever hope to pay a genuine compliment or approach a woman to start a conversation, we have some serious adjustments to make in order to not be met with a brick wall of an attitude.
First of all, learn to read signals. It’s honestly not that hard. If she is walking along the street and her head is down at the ground, don’t say anything. If she is on her cell phone, don’t say anything. If she has a baseball cap pulled over her eyes, she is hiding from you. Don’t say anything. We need to be able to take simple non-verbal cues and act (or not act) upon them accordingly.
If a woman is walking towards you on the street and you make eye contact, smile. Casually. Maybe say hello. Casually. And keep moving. As human beings we are naturally social creatures, and I do believe most people will respond positively to kindness, but it is absolutely imperative you don’t overdo it. You don’t need to start a conversation with everyone you see – just smile and say hi. I do this with both men and women, and nobody seems to mind.
The other night I had just parked to pick up take-out. There was a girl walking out of the restaurant next door going to her car, which happened to be parked next to mine. She glanced over at me a couple of times, so I smiled at her and said ‘nice boots’ which she enthusiastically thanked me for saying, flashed a big smile, and we went our separate ways.
No harm, no foul.
Some guys might be reading this thinking to themselves: What’s the point of this? What am I getting out of this deal if I just compliment a woman and then walk away?
By asking this question – we are uncovering the very problem. The “what’s in it for me?” mindset is precisely what causes problems when it comes to not only relationships, but approaching people in the first place. If you always have a motive other than simply making a woman feel good about themselves, she will know. Every time.
She will know by your body language. If your shoulders are directly pointed at her, you will appear too aggressive and immediately put her on guard. She will know by the tone of voice you say things in. She will know by the expression on your face. She will know, especially, by what you say.
The more comfortable you get with simple things like smiling and eye contact, the more you will realize that people actually do usually respond well to these innocent, friendly gestures. This will help you pick up on cues from women when you notice who smiles back, who doesn’t, and what they had in common. It will then help you identify situations where it is welcome for you to move past a simple smile, and actually start a conversation.
If you are in a coffee shop, or a bookstore, or even at a bar (anywhere that doesn’t require you to stop her in her tracks in the middle of the street), then pay attention to your surroundings. Ask a question. Pay for her coffee. Hell, pay for her book. Most men don’t think twice about asking a random girl at the bar if they can buy her a drink, but when was the last time a man saw a woman looking at a book in a bookstore, started a conversation with her about it, and offered to buy her the book?
Here is one last statement I am going to make that will probably get me some backlash from some of you, but it is undeniable in the world we live in: Be attractive.
I am certainly not saying that if you did not get lucky in the gene pool, you are out of luck. We’ve all seen beautiful women with average looking men and wondered “How did that happen?” It happened because he presented himself well. He worked with what he had. He walked, talked, dressed, and acted like a gentleman. He stood out from the crowd. He treated her with respect. He carried himself with respect.
To a mature woman, this is what makes a man attractive. Of course they swoon over models and movie stars just like men do, but they understand that if they are not made to feel comfortable, if they are not made to feel respected, if they are not made to feel safe, if they are not made to feel wanted and desired – no level of good looks will make up for it.
If you want to be seen as a mature man who is different than the rest of the Desperate Dans that women are approached by every day, you are going to have to act like it. Master the skill of conversation. Work to transform yourself into the man who a woman would want to talk to. Define yourself. Be the flame, not the moth.
The bottom line is this: If men want women to stop complaining about guys being creepy, then guys should just stop being creepy. If we want to be taken seriously, we need to act seriously.
Simple as that.
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