Change This One Thing To Improve Your Dating Life
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It seems as though the concept of dating has gotten a bad wrap over the past few years. It is almost a chore, and obligation, a job interview. It is seen as all of the very things that it should never be.
A date, to me, is the opportunity to spend time with someone who has displayed characteristics that make you curious about whether or not they would be a good fit for you as a romantic partner, potentially over a long period of time. Under this definition, I would wonder what there is not to like about dating.
Akin to shopping for a car, many people dread the process – but how fun is it to think that you get to go out there and pick and choose something you are going to get to enjoy for much time to come? There is one big glaring thing we can change in order to alter how we see the dating process:
Perspective changes our entire outlook on dating in many different ways. The example given above that it should be fun and exciting is only one of them. The others lie a bit deeper in how we see ourselves and how we subsequently approach other people and the situations we enter into with them.
Many people get nervous on dates because they feel as though they are going to be sized up and judged. They feel they are going to be interviewed or have to interview another person. This is to entirely miss the point of spending social time with someone you are attracted to and finding out what is beneath the surface…what is better than that?
The difference? Perspective.
We often times act in ways to get someone’s approval while on a date. Of course, we want them to like us. This is the root of the “selling problem,” which is the label I put on the idea that people try to basically give a pitch while on a date. I’ve done this, I’ve been here, I own this. Blah. Blah. Blah.
We sometimes get so caught up in this that we don’t stop and ask ourselves…wait a second, do I like them? We could spend our time trying to convince someone of our worth when we wouldn’t even want to be with them in the first place.
The difference? Perspective.
We can sit across the table from someone new and wonder how our hair looks. Become nervous about something being stuck in our teeth. Is my tie straight? Is your dress too low-cut? Is he staring at your boobs?!
Or, we can sit across the table and wonder if this is the kind of person who is paying attention to more than just how we look. The kind of person who understands that we all have flaws and hey, if you’re not having the best hair day, so what? They are not on this date with you as a judge for a beauty pageant. They are on this date to learn about you.
The difference? You guessed it.
It is important to note that I am certainly not saying we should stop trying or that we should just be passive on a date and expect to be woo’d by whoever we are out with. We obviously need to put the proper effort into becoming the right kind of person who would attract the type of partner that we want, but we cannot let that get in the way.
We cannot let that get in the way of enjoying ourselves and recognizing the true point of what we are doing in the first place. We can’t let all of that self-improvement overwhelm us to the point where it is all we are thinking about. We can’t obsess over it and make sure we are doing everything right to become attractive to other people, and completely walk right past the concept of deciding whether or not they are right for us.
If we do this, we can easily fall into the trap of trying too hard, appearing desperate, and even worse – losing sight of what makes us happy.
When you work on yourself for the right reasons, in order to boost your confidence instead of just to attract others. In order to eliminate stress in your life. In order to improve your health – you will automatically begin to attract the people who are drawn to the qualities you have worked so hard to develop.
It starts from within. Recognition of your self worth. Only when you have a clear vision of your value can you set the bar for your standards and refuse to accept anyone into your life who doesn’t meet it.
You could go onto a date being intimidated by the person you are with and hope that you are good enough to be with them. Or, you could relax, enjoy yourself, let the conversation flow, and decide if this is the type of person who you would want to be with, too.
The difference? Perspective.
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I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months now, and thanks to you I changed my perspective in a lot of positive ways You made me realize I’m in a toxic relationship and have even helped ease the pain in walking away from the relationship. Just like one of your post you mentioned “Too often people are left saying “but they changed!” No they didn’t, you just finally learned who they really were. The truth came out. People can only put on a facade for so long” that opened my eyes even more! Now I’m just trying to figure out how to tell my significant other that I no longer want to be in a relationship with him without arguments.
Anyways just want to let you know that you are impacting people’s lives in a positive way I’m sure you know that! 🙂
Thank you, Kim Soto
Sent from my iPhone
James, I’ve been on a couple of those “job interview” dates, and I can heartily say “Thank God I didn’t get that ‘job’!” Those kind of dates are the very thing that feeds MGTOW/MRM.
I won’t be getting those types of dates anymore because I’m permanently out of the market. Two divorces and a couple of job-interview dates will do that to you. For the rest– I’m neither tall enough or rich enough to be attractive, apparently.