Too Much Too Soon: Why We Need To Stop Rushing Love
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I’m sure I am not the only one who browses Facebook and quite often comes across photos of engagement rings and ultrasounds and changed last names from marriages and thinks to himself: Wait, weren’t you just single?
Everything seems to move faster these days, naturally. We have instant text messages and don’t need to send letters. We can Google something and not need to go to the library. We can get to know someone much quicker because we can talk to them any time of the day rather than limiting our interactions to sporadic phone calls or seeing each other in person.
So, it seems that it would also naturally follow that our relationships will progress faster. But the frequency of how often someone is in our life does not change our emotional capacity to develop a real lasting bond with them any quicker. We can say whatever we want about past generations, but the fact of the matter is that many people have been married two or three times in the span of time that our grandparents’ have been married to each other.
Older generations set fires. They would begin to burn with a small smoldering flame and eventually evolve into a roaring blaze as they continued to stoke it. Our generation seems to be setting off fireworks. There is a spectacular display that is quite often beautiful, but unpredictable and ends as quickly as it began. Leaving behind only the memory of the experience.
We are not allowing ourselves the time to actually build a foundation with each other. We are an instant-gratification society and we are, unfortunately, carrying the same attitude into our relationships. We always want the next best phone or the next best tablet and toss aside the obsolete version without a second thought. Sadly, it seems we do this with significant others as well.
But sometimes decisions are made that don’t allow that to happen so easily. People who are barely old enough to rent a car are buying homes with or making lifelong commitments to someone they have only known for a few months. Sure, everyone is different and sometimes ‘when you know, you just know,’ but drastic lifestyle changes do not allow us to settle in comfortably. This can easily lead to regret not too far down the road. Not to mention resentment for your partner. Two things that should never be present in a relationship.
Some may call me cynical for this outlook, but inevitably I see a consistent course of events. “Engaged” on Facebook turns back to “Single.” New mothers are complaining that the child’s father is suddenly an absentee dad.
The sad part is, some of these couples probably would have had a chance if they had taken their time and let their relationship develop and flourish, instead of leaping ahead and putting too much pressure on their bond, too soon. Love is not something you just fall into overnight. It is the creation of two people who have worked together to cultivate it and allow it to grow.
It is only natural to realize that we need to strengthen something before we test it. Committing your entire life to someone you have only known for a few months, or even just a year, has not given you the glimpse into who they truly are that you will need to see in order to make a decision of that magnitude. Even sharing an apartment or house together too soon opens up an entire new set of complications that a new couple will be unprepared for.
Have you seen this person react to a tragedy? A challenge in life? Frustrations? Failures? Do you know how they act around children or if they would make a good parent? Is this someone with similar views of the future as you? Will they really be there for you in a time of need? It takes time to learn these things. Valuable time that teaches us lessons about people we simply cannot learn in the short term.
Too often people are left saying “but they changed!” No they didn’t, you just finally learned who they really were. The truth came out. People can only put on a facade for so long, and if you make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion, there is only trouble to follow.
You may feel lust. You may feel an overwhelming emotional attachment or connection to someone quickly. But if we allow our emotions to rule us completely we very often tend to make irrational decisions that backfire in the future. We need to recognize the difference between lust and love, as well as have the self control to allow things to progress naturally and not jump into something before we are ready.
We need to work harder to create the building blocks of lasting love if that’s what we actually want to have.
I will say this – for the people who have experienced life and relationships and love and know what they do and don’t want in a partner, I believe it is much more realistic for them to recognize the right person when they come along. But for those without the life experience to build off of, it is a different story.
If you wouldn’t want someone to be your best friend for the rest of your life, don’t make them your spouse. And if you wouldn’t make someone a husband or a wife, don’t make them a parent. Our generations have it too easy in terms of an out. “‘Til death do us part” has become “Until I get bored of you.”
If you want brief entertainment, then by all means light off as many fireworks as you want. When one falls out of the sky, you will have another fuse waiting. But if you want a long lasting connection that will warm your heart for years to come, you will need to commit to stoking a fire.
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“If you wouldn’t want someone to be your best friend for the rest of your life, don’t make them your spouse. And if you wouldn’t make someone a husband or a wife, don’t make them a parent”… Best line ever!! I seriously love this entire article. Granted I met my now-husband when we were just teenagers so getting married quickly wasn’t really a realistic option (not that that stops some people), but I am so glad we waited almost a decade before getting married (& a good 5 years before ever living together). Even after 3 years of marriage, we’re still not ready to have kids (& maybe never will be), so we’re not rushing that either. I too have seen so many people rush into marriage &/or parenthood with so much excitement, only to end up disappointed after just a year or so. Like you said, many of them might have been ok if they had just not rushed things so much. Real love does indeed take a while to cultivate.
This is so well written and so incredibly true! Thank you for the reminder!
Yes! I will never understand how people get engaged after only knowing each other for like 3 months!
Good points! But strangely enough – my grandparents married getting to know one another thru letters in less than a year while Granpa was off at war with scarce time together. They lasted happily. My parents married after dating just a few months and they are still together. Not that it’s “the right way,” but I don’t think jumping in to marriage is a new thing. It seems to me people wait longer then they once did to commit to marriage.
Amen! You hit the nail on the head as they say. So true. I’m happily married to my best friend whom I dated for three and a half years . We were friends for a year before even dating! He is the love of my life for 23 years now! Hope all those who are looking for love to last a lifetime find it. You too James.
Having had a baby with someone who couldn’t wait to put me in his past (although not his son thankfully), I am now in a lovely relationship with someone I have known for 25 years. He is divorced after a 20 year relationship himself and we have spent two years taking things very slowly indeed, mostly for the sake of our children. It wasn’t my choice to take baby steps and at times I felt frustrated but I have to say it was absolutely the right thing to do and despite now being 42, I am happier and more secure than I have been for a very long time. Thanks for a thought provoking read.
I agree, I have been dating my man for 2 and a half years, am 31, but no where near ready!
I feel like it is a HUGE commitment. Why rush it?
[…] by not giving away too much of yourself emotionally too soon. Love is not an overnight occurrence. It is not a word to be thrown around with people you just met. It is something that builds over time and bonds people together. If we let […]
Great message James
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
Beautiful message
Thank you!
This is definitely a blog encouraging me to blog more often.
“When You know it… you know it.”
But when do you know the difference between “to know it, when you know it” and “really want it to happen”?
The article is good and based specially (in my opinion) on the new generation.
This is my way of thinking:
I know one day will come for sure that I WILL DIE. That doesn’t mean that I will stop living today, because I know I will die. No, I WILL LIVE better and try to LIVE 200%. If I love someone doesn’t mean that she has to love me back. I don’t expect that ether. I will make sure that I will love her unconditionally and 200%, WITHOUT losing my ‘SELF’ and my mind.
[…] Too Much Too Soon: Why We Need To Stop Rushing Love. […]
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Reblogged this on BUILD YOUR OWN FORTRESS and commented:
Let it flow naturally.
but they changed/no they didn’t, you just found out who they really are – so true!
Well put! Loved it.
Thank you Stuart!
interesting read
[…] via Too Much Too Soon: Why We Need To Stop Rushing Love. […]
Good complete article. Wish more people understood emotional development.
I needed to see this. Thank you.
“Love is not something you just fall into overnight. It is the creation of two people who have worked together to cultivate it and allow it to grow.”
Beautifully put! Loved this read.
Great read. You hit the nail right on the head. Nice piece.
Only google chrome knows about the engagement ring and my local church. No new babies here except for the wonderful pair I created almost 13 & 10 years ago!
Truly feeling your article!
[…] by not giving away too much of yourself emotionally too soon. Love is not an overnight occurrence. It is not a word to be thrown around with people you just met. It is something that builds over time and bonds people together. If we let […]
Reblogged this on scorpioat20's Blog and commented:
A great blog post!
Reblogged this on Sylvia Nene and commented:
This is so true….
Beautifully written. Allow me to share my favourite line of my favourite book, your thoughts remind me of it “Stand close, yet not too close, for even a tree can’t grow in the shades of another tree”
Reblogged this on Felicia Jane: Writer Extraordinarie and commented:
Reblogging so that I can finish reading this later. I like the introduction it definitely seems like a good read.
Completely agree. I have been with my partner for 7 years now. Got engaged 2 years ago and only just taking the commitment of buying our own house this year. I wouldn’t of had it any other way, and feel it would have been far too soon if I had rushed into it earlier. It really is worth the wait.
Beautiful pic!!
My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. Lived together for 2. Still no marriage or children on the cards and we are happy but around me everyone is getting married. There are now two engagements a week on my Facebook and 90% of those have been together less than we have. I don’t understand the rush at all. I’m only 24!
Omg this was the funniest thing I’ve read all day but so true. The grass isn’t always greener and relationships these days are like joining the gym, everyone signs up but won’t show up to do the work.
Reblogged this on wogaba1's Blog and commented:
save your relationship by reading this
I see your point, but I don’t agree entirely. A lasting relationship is based on the development of love, but also on the commitment two people have for each other. I dated my husband for 8 months before we were married, and my parents who have been married for 35 years dated less than that. They have had all sorts of ups and downs and love was tested. My dad has had severe depression for 30 of those years, making it very difficult sometimes for my mom to remember that man she fell in love with. But they never gave up because when they said they would marry each other, they meant forever, and they’ve kept it that way. I’ve only been married for 2 years, but I made the same commitment my parents did, as did my husband. So I agree that people need to be sure of their spouse’s love and allow time for it to develop, but don’t ever underestimate the power of a love that can develop through the bonds of marriage when two people are committed. People should not be questioning how long it takes for their love to develop for it to be strong enough to last, but how committed their spouse is, whether they have dated for 5 months or 2 years. The thing is, life will always change you, so the love you’ve shared and developed with a man/woman or 2 years without a marriage commitment could change one year into marriage, just as my dad began falling into depression 5 years after my parents were married. I’d love to hear more about an examination of commitment in general rather than an examination of how marriages fail because they didn’t give love time to develop.
Very true: “Too often people are left saying “but they changed!” No they didn’t, you just finally learned who they really were. The truth came out. People can only put on a facade for so long, and if you make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion, there is only trouble to follow.”
One of the reason I stay single. They always seem different a few weeks or months down the line. Not to mention I don’t think someone could even know all the facets of me in a short period of time.
Very insightful blog post, I enjoyed reading it!
Great post and so true on many levels.
Gods time is the best time 🙂
Reblogged this on "Be an Optimist and a Positive Thinker" and commented:
LOVE is not about who came FIRST and LAST.
It’s all about who came and NEVER leave you until last.
Can’t hurry love
#truth
if you wouldn’t want someone to be your friend for the rest of your life, don’t make them your spouse. WELL SAID
Terrific piece!! What a wonderful understanding of love you have.
Society makes you feel as if you need to rush into things because of how things ” should be”
Y
Valid and honest point of view. There’s nothing wrong with stepping back and deciding you need more time to allow your bond to flourish. It says so much more than rushing into things because you feel it’s what the other person wants and should be your ultimate goal as a couple. Marriage is not a goal, it’s just another stepping stone amongst many others. Thank you for sharing, I too, needed this!!
Love it!
Reblogged this on ~FLY HIGH and REACH the SKY~ and commented:
Very well said! 🙂
The idea inside this post is really critical for today. Maybe we can have new things so fast and so effortless, we’re getting to forget how precious a durable thing is. Some say: “Lovers are clothes”, I understand what they mean. A shirt is teared, you don’t have to patch it, you can simply buy another with better quality. We do the same thing with our relationship, leaving a troublesome connection and finding new one. The thing is, every relationship has the same progress and If we can not learn how to grow the tree, the best seeds will also be rotted. Thanks for sharing.
nicely said; care to visit my blog 🙂
Reblogged this on aphro dark thoughts and commented:
This is well put
I agree to the point that we must spend time together to know each other better and decide weather we are really good enough for each other. Every person has their positive and negative points and if one’s partner is ready to accept with those qualities then only they should be thinking about such a relationship. Often when we start any relationship we tend to only see the positive sides of the person. But once we are used to off those positives, we tend to put more focus on other qualities/attributes of the person. That’s where we realize the true person. Long story short, if you want to have a long relationship, always share your all qualities including good points and bad ones. This will help in living a happy life.
[…] Too Much Too Soon: Why We Need To Stop Rushing Love. […]
I LOVE THIS
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Foundations are important, I agree with you on that one. Here in Ireland the trend is for people to get married at an older age than they did thirty years ago. In fact they are starting everything at an older age, college degrees mean most don’t have a job until they reach the age of 24/25 yrs. I, married my best friend, after five years of dating. Thirty one years on, we are still meandering through life together proving for me that slow and steady does win the race.
Reblogged this on malibehiribae.
So true! Great post!
Reblogged this on The Beauty of Growing up and commented:
Reading is growing.
I absolutely LOVE this!!! I’ve seen this a lot and I thought I was pretty much the only one left that thinks this way. GREAT read and good advice that others need to embrace. Thanks for sharing!
WOW this was absolutely amazing. I have to agree with above comment. If you wouldn’t want someone as your best friend why would you want your relarionship to go any further. One of the best posts I have read on this site 🙂 Looking forward to more!
Thank you Brooke! I really appreciate it. I’ll do my best to keep the good stuff coming. 😉
Yes please do!
[…] http://jamesmsama.com/2014/10/07/too-much-too-soon-why-we-need-to-stop-rushing-love/ […]
I couldn’t agree more. It makes me feel a lot better as a single college student that knows more than one person that’s engaged. It’s not my place to judge whether they’re rushing it or not because that’s not my business, but it helps me feel more reassured that my current status is the correct one.
You say its not your place to judge but then say your current status is the correct one. I am no where near being engaged nor do I know anyone is engaged but the idea of a ‘correct’ relationship status goes against the meaning of love.
I think that Alaina means correct for her, not correct in general.
i agree with you in this mean
Great article! Our grandparents didn’t have the ability to “shop around” as much as we can for mates. Do you think that our need for instant gratification has halted our ability to create something lasting, or is it just curiosity that what we’ve found is “enough”? I just wrote an article about not settling http://liveclarelesleyblog.com/2014/10/01/move-on-from-a-no/ but it’s a fine, fine line between not settling, and making something that is really good, work. Thanks for this!
Soooo true. People get on me for being single for the last 8 years but what they don’t know is that I married my first boyfriend. I had a rule that when I got my own bedroom for the first time and had it for some many years then it was time. See I have always had to share a room…with my siblings, my spouse, my kids as babies, and now I finally have my own room and I love it. I know someone whose husband died within weeks started dating six months after his death was in a serious relationship, six months later engaged, six months later married, and 5 weeks later pregnant. The new husband had never had a girlfriend before and she didn’t even mourn her deceased husband. My ex-husband was dating before I even knew he was leaving, LoL! He was married to his mistress 6 months after our divorce was final. I don’t get it, why the rush? I guess maybe I’m a little cautious, maybe a little old-fashioned but I have said that when I get married again it will be until I die. I think what you wrote was so very true and something that every single person should consider.
Reblogged this on emoboysam and commented:
Something I probably need to stop doing
I read somewhere that if someone shows you who they really are,believe them….i guess we always think that someone will automatically change into the person we want them to be and when that happens as I’ve said we say that person has “changed” and end the relationship which in the first place shouldnt have started.
I love this read ,totally identify with it
Beautifully written, and well thought out! Thank you!
Beautifully written !! And so honestly true!!! thank you for this…
Great article! Well put, I agree with everything you said!
Thank you! Very glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
I think if ppl feel comfortable making the commitment to get married, they should just get married. There is enough fear and doubt already in play in the world, and life requires leaps of faith.
Saying someone is “rushing love” because you saw their social media status change too quickly sounds fairly disconnected from reality. People often deliberately keep their relationship off social media until the relationship is set in stone.
Also, trying to know someone well enough to predict how they react in difficult situations (let alone “see” how they react) is going to take far too long and nearly guaranteed to be completely different in different circumstances with different levels of support and stress. Life’s just too crazy for that to be realistic.
In reality you have to go with your gut. And roll the dice. Because really the only question worth asking is: Will this person fight to keep this relationship going. If yes, its still a gamble but its a gamble worth taking.
Though you’re spot on when talking about divorce and flaky commitment breaking. People are certainly more fickle these days. So much so that I think it’s more of a miracle that anyone gets together than ppl “rushing” in.
I would argue that the longer you wait, the less of a gamble it is.
I love the idea of fires and fireworks. So lovely. Thank you for sharing.
Love is ultimately a decision. Floating-around-on-cloud-9 love is an emotion, and it passes. Some will make the decision and commitment, and others will simply be on to the next emotional high as soon as the novelty of the current “love” wears off.
This is terrific. Utter truth and you’ve written it so well. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this! I agree with most of these thoughts, although I do think that some (not all) seemingly rushed relationships can work.
I believe in relationships being based on friendship (my boyfriend and I were friends for a year before we started dating). I believe that relationships are hard work and will sometimes need to be fought for. I know that life will sometimes throws you curve-balls (think death of children/parents/friends, disability, illness, loss of job etc). These things usually change your relationship. If you can both accept this and acknowledge that your relationship will need to change, then you’re on the right path. I think that as you grow in your relationship it will naturally change.
I think if you go in to a relationship knowing at least some of the above, you have a good chance of success. Even if this may seem fast or rushed to some. It is when people rush in to long term, committed relationships not knowing or caring about the above points, that (in my opinion) they will be likely to fail…If you’re willing to work and put the effort in to a relationship, I think it does not matter if it is rushed or not, it will be a lot more likely to success than a relationship where people stop putting in the effort.
Lastly, I think if both parties grow and encourage each other to grow and is one that is continually evolving and growing with the parties involved, you will find a relationship that works.
I would say the opposite. Contrary to the norm, say, 100 years ago, Western people take freaking ages to decide on things about marriage. After all, it’s not unusual for couples to start a family into their 30’s, as opposed to doing so in their mid teens before…
I agree. All I could think about when I read this article was the fact that my maternal grandparents married when they were 19 (a year younger than I am now) after knowing each other only a few months. They had a baby by age 20 and three more in the following years. My grandfather was nothing but an angel during their short courtship but was abusive and demanding and greedy after they were married, showing his true colors. What’s crazy is no one even batted an eye that they were married so young or had children so quickly or even that he hit her. It was pretty much the norm.
Now most of the people I know wait a long time to get married and have kids, unless they have an accidental pregnancy. None of my friends plan on marrying for at least 5-10 years. Maybe we rush into love, moving in with people and spending so much of our time together and communicating constantly. But at least, you get to really know a person for who they are and we have way fewer teen marriages. Marriage isn’t a commitment to be made lightly,maybe not, but honestly, who are you to judge what people decide to do with their love lives?
Reblogged this on My Journey and commented:
love ur post
Reblogged this on yollavable blog and commented:
Wish we could live in the old days!!
“If you make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion, there is only trouble to follow.” This is so true and it is what majority of us do and at the end of the day all expectations and plans Dont work out. Leaving one hurt and heartbroken, lol I’m speaking from a personal experience. I totally agree and believe that if people take their time to get to know one another and find out if at all they are compatible, i mean most people dont even know the second name of the so called ” love of their life” not to talk of the individuals take on life.relationships will last longer than the blink of an eye.
Honestly, I don’t think time is the problem. It’s the idea of commitment in general. My parents got married after 3 months of dating, and they are still married and have seen a lot of problems during their relationship. They just know that divorce is not an option. Another thing that keeps people “waiting” for marriage for so long is that if you’re already having sex, what’s the point? Intimacy was supposed to be a “marriage only” thing, and now that it isn’t, people have the “why buy the cow when the milk is free” mentality. Obviously, I didn’t just marry my husband so I could sleep with him; I married him because I knew he could be the person I wanted to spend my life with. I wanted him to be the father of my kids. He loved me. Once I knew that, there was no reason to wait. After only knowing him for two years (remotely), and only dating for seven months, we got married. It has been the best decision I ever made, and we are still going strong. We have a son, and we are a family, and nobody us going anywhere. Sometimes I ask my husband what makes him stay, and he said he made a promise and he is going to stick with his promise forever– even if times get hard. Love is not a feeling, it is an act of will.
I find the numerous references to what is seen on Facebook humorous. Perhaps if we stopped telling everything we know to everyone we do and don’t know on Facebook life would go back to the way it was before people felt it incumbent upon them to reveal everything whether people want to know it or not. BLURT! There it is on your Facebook page as if Facebook is some authoritative barometer on any level? I enjoyed your entry and found it entertaining. Sincerely Moonstruck
I completely agree with your blog. Sometimes, I feel like all of the people I knew in high school are rushing to get married and have kids. But since when are 19 and 20 acceptable ages to get married?! I plan to take my time while dating so that when I am married, that is the only person I will ever be married to. Thanks for sharing your blog!
Since when are you to judge the appropriate age to get married for everyone?
I think it is best to move at your own speed. I mean, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now, we moved in together after a couple of months of dating but we aren’t planning to get married until we get our finances straight and a house.
I do notice though a lot of people getting married and divorced at such a young age, I have friends that have 2 divorces in their 20’s!
Is there actually any data supporting your argument that there is a correlation between how fast a couple gets married and how successful their marriage is? Because without that, this is just an opinion with no factual basis.
As a personal blog, this is an opinion piece just like every other article I write. 🙂 I did my best to make it clear that I was speaking of what I personally see on a daily basis but perhaps I should revise the introduction.
I just came across these statistics supporting everything I say here. Wasn’t even looking for them. Funny how that happens sometimes. 🙂 http://www.randalolson.com/2014/10/10/what-makes-for-a-stable-marriage/
But if you said the opposite, I’m sure you could find statistics supporting that. Isn’t it funny how that happens too?
No…you can have your own opinions but you can’t have your own facts. The truth is the truth no matter which way you cut it.
[…] read the rest of the post by James Michael Sama […]
Reblogged this on Louisely's Blog and commented:
“Til death do us part” has become “Until I get bored of you.” …. How tragic 😱
Thank you. It’s somehow hard for me to understand that relationship takes process since i tend to rush almost everything. But you address it really well, and strengthen me 🙂 it’s a privilege
I really like this entry. Thanks for a really good read.
Reblogged this on iammissbookworm's Blog and commented:
I agree with this. People are rushing to the alter to get married then the court house and back to the alter again. My question is, where do people get many like this blow? If you have an itch to spend money, get something that you will keep for a very long time. Or donate it so then at least you get a tax write off. Spending it on a wedding then divorce is not a tax write off. Or give it to me. I will put it to good use. And you still get a tax write off when you give it to me
I don’t think enough couples make Christ the center of their marriage. HE is the foundation. My husband and I met, fell in love, got engaged, and married within the space of 13 months. He is the love of my life. One year later, we had a son. His birth made us stronger as a family and as a couple. Marriage is hard. Some of my grandparents didn’t even make it, but my parents presented a wonderful example. My husband’s parents didn’t make it. Marriage take work, communication, love, and dependence on Christ. The difference in all of the generations before us and our own. They worked through everything together, made the family their focus, and loved God with all their hearts. Our generation is selfish, looking for the greener side, and forget God or refuse to admit He exists. So sad. However, I am thankful my husband and I have learned from the victories and failures of the generations before us, and there is nothing that we can not handle as a team. BTW, we don’t believe in divorce. We took that “option” off the table when we were dating. Too many people make it an option these days. Marriage is what YOU make it.
That is your opinion, Brittany. 🙂 but not all of us share it. What’s important is for a couple to do what is best for them specifically.
[…] husband, you know that I am not the one telling you to take it slow… But I still agree with what James says in his post… A lot seems rushed […]
Reblogged this on Ivy from Idaho and commented:
“Older generations set fires. They would begin to burn with a small smoldering flame and eventually evolve into a roaring blaze as they continued to stoke it. Our generation seems to be setting off fireworks. There is a spectacular display that is quite often beautiful, but unpredictable and ends as quickly as it began. Leaving behind only the memory of the experience”
[…] This blog post was Freshly Pressed a few days ago and is one of the most accurate articles about relationships […]
Is love unsuccessful if it doesn’t last forever? That is the question.
Reblogged this on petemuk's Blog and commented:
A good eye opener.
I had mixed feelings reading this post. On one hand, I agree with your premise of rushed love leading to failure. But on the other hand, why can’t love be something that’s different in every experience and for every person? Who’s to say that all love should only be forever love? Why are fast and failed loves looked down upon and not celebrated for the simple fact that love happened? Real love is always positive in my opinion, even when it doesn’t last, even if it’s short-lived.
Reblogged this on A Complex World and commented:
I’d like to stoke it, stoke it 🙂
[…] http://jamesmsama.com/2014/10/07/too-much-too-soon-why-we-need-to-stop-rushing-love/ […]
I like this post
You’re absolutely right, especially with the fireworks comparison in regards to new relationships. Lots of show, but nothing that can be sustained. Great post!
I only have one word to say: Powerful!!! Everything you touched on was right on point. Incredible article. Thank you.
Very true!
There are some good points here but some of this is very subjective. Every relationship and personality dynamic, connection is different. I would not adopt this as a philosophy but 80 percent or so is good food for thought and 20 percent cynical nonsense. I would say on the reverse that overthinking these types of things can kill a relationship just as fast if not faster. Happenstance and spontaneous energymust be allowed to work their Magic. The psychology of this is a bit too jaded for me. Some good points though.
well said Jon.
This is achingly beautiful ….Loved it
“Older generations set fires. They would begin to burn with a small smoldering flame and eventually evolve into a roaring blaze as they continued to stoke it. Our generation seems to be setting off fireworks. There is a spectacular display that is quite often beautiful, but unpredictable and ends as quickly as it began. Leaving behind only the memory of the experience.”
This article is very well written but I do have a few problems with it. I don’t know what couples you were hanging out with from previous generations but a lot of them were rushed into it. Examples include my grandparents, my aunt, my other aunt, my uncle, and my other set of grandparents. Either unexpected pregnancies or pressure from society forced them to get married young without knowing them well. Most of these marriages were very flawed. They won’t talk about that with their friends and they surely didn’t have facebook to share it with. To say relationships are rushing now-a-days seems to be a claim left unjustified because many older generations had arranged marriages or forced marriages. Divorce was not nearly as common because of society. Marriages were just as shitty back then as they are today. For the wife, quality of life in a marriage has increased greatly. That being said there are plenty of great older generation marriages but to say those were better because they took time would be flawed. We now can communicate so quickly and update so quickly, most of these people we have on facebook we probably wouldn’t know the ins and outs of their relationships without facebook, we are now exposed to a more wiling to talk about their relationships and more relationships than ever before. I don’t agree with this message because it takes too many assumptions. I am neither engaged, nor plan to be engaged for a long time and don’t know many people who are engaged but regardless the older generation comparison did not do it for me. That being said, you are a great writer and I would be interested in reading more in the future by you even if I don’t agree with your position.
I agree. My first reaction was to say “faster?are you kidding? people used to get married when they were 19 and 20!”
Reblogged this on The World I Live In and commented:
Let’s grow with the flow…and enjoy the ride!
Reblogged this on dianedj31.
Reblogged this on Oh, Kristi!.
We do live in such a “fast” society. We certainly don’t appreciate the small stuff as much as we should. I thought that you brought up a few great points.
I disagree. Cuz every couple r different. My parents met only a week and got married the second week. And have been married for 25 years now. I think articles like this…r so unneeded sometimes. I see then so much lately that probably ppl who do believe stuff like this have a more chance to fail on marriage.
Addy, that’s great to hear! But I think we can all agree that your parents are the exception, they are not the rule. While situations like that are great when they work out, they are very rare.
I agree that every couple is different and I brought that up in the article. But *generally speaking* rushing into commitments with someone you barely know is typically not the best idea.
Thanks again for your comment!
– James
Very true – it takes time for people’s faults and good sides to be revealed. I feel that those who wait will be rewarded! Plus, it is about the journey, not the destination.
[…] http://jamesmsama.com/2014/10/07/too-much-too-soon-why-we-need-to-stop-rushing-love/ […]
Beautifully written. We rush out of love too soon because we rush into it. I needed to read this tonight, thank you.
I agree! Great write!
Reblogged this on A Thousand Musings and commented:
Nice
James,
I know of this dilemma all too well! Much to the bewilderment of everyone I tell this to, I was engaged to two different “men” before I met and married my husband. The first engagement was a high school fling that became abusive into college and something I did not have the strength to get out of soon enough at that young age. The second one was a fluke. Literally we had nothing in common and my husband always jokes with me that instead of being a personal trainer/tutor living in Southern California like I do now, I would have been an in over my head full time teacher living in Illinois and probably wearing a bonnet. What was I thinking?! Honestly I have no clue. God taught me a lot during both previous relationships and I appreciate my husband now in so many ways I know I wouldn’t if neither of those jokester had happened. I’m thankful beyond measure but I also am the first to say that dating is hard! Only when you’re married do you truly get to know your spouse as well as yourself. The biggest piece of advice I would give would be to not be fearful and trust that no matter what happens or how often your facebook status changes, what matters in the end is making the right decision and not worrying about what others think of you.
I’m sorry, but I have to disagree with the general premise of this article.
My paternal grandparents married within three months of meeting – so soon that he didn’t even tell his parents about it until after it happened. They had their first child within a year, and another 3 within the next 5. They have had a happy marriage that has spanned nearly 60 years now.
My maternal grandparents dated for several years before they married – but only because they began dating when they were 12 and, even then, that was illegal. They’d never dated anyone else and married as soon as it was possible. They have also had a happy 60-ish years of marriage with 4 children that they had quickly after marrying.
My own parents dated throughout college, but married within months of graduating. They are happier than any other couple their age I know and are about to celebrate their 35th anniversary. Nearly all of my friends’ parents are divorced – can that be explained by how long they did or did not date before marrying?
As for myself, I write this just a couple weeks away from celebrating my 4th “First Date” anniversary date with my husband while expecting our first child. I’m perfectly happy with our timeline. Having had more time wouldn’t have changed anything, except to make us older (and 30 is old enough for expecting a first child, if you ask me!).
I don’t feel like anyone is doing anything more quickly than times past (if you look at the stats, people are marrying and having children later than previous generations). Perhaps a lot can be explained by the fact that there is much less of a stigma about broken engagements and marriages than there used to be – and by the fact people are so much more willing to air their dirty laundry all over the place than they used to be. Even 30 years ago, no one was telling everyone they knew that their ex was a deadbeat dad – it’s not that deadbeat dads didn’t exist or that marriages were always perfectly happy.
I really respect this article, in that it takes a closer look at preventative measures of expensive legal proceedings, and, well, wasting a bunch of time/emotional pain on what should have been a friendship or fling. I would love it if you took a more in-depth look at making marriages work when they’re deteriorating. Not that I know too much about that. It appears to me though that contingency and responsibility are important to talk about also, and I respected your point of view on marriage and relationships, so I’d like to hear more. Great job!
A great article. (Y)
Thank you!
Certainly many truths here, but youth is not the culprit for many divorces—our grandparents married much younger, for instance—it’s our lack of commitment to each other that bears the primary share of so much broken love.
I love this article but disagree on some points. Older generations didn’t wait as long. They went on a few dates, and a man proposed or not. I think that in modern times things like living together forever and commitment phobia has really changed the game. Feminism, which is a wonderful thing, has also been a huge part. We’re independent now, we don’t have to stay married to an abusive jerk… Or like in my case, my sons father is an alcoholic.
I have to agree, so many friends got married incredibly quickly and I got tired of being asked when it was my turn. My wife and I dated for 8 years before getting married, of which the last 6 years were long distance. And all I can say is that we are better for it !
Very well written
Reblogged this on betwixt and commented:
Our generations have it too easy in terms of an out. “‘Til death do us part” has become “Until I get bored of you.”
You’re so right! That happy little “honeymoon period” is where you see the best of someone, true love is when you can say I’ve seen the worst or you and I still love you.
[…] http://jamesmsama.com/2014/10/07/too-much-too-soon-why-we-need-to-stop-rushing-love/ […]
I do agree, but in a different way. I don’t think you should define how well you know someone by time, but by just how well you know them! I like that you mentioned if we’ve seen them react to tragedy, see a similar future etc. Good point. It’s important to not let love blind you!
I agree with what you are saying and there are some amazing points here. I also have to wonder if part of it is a learned behaviour, a heard or sheep mentality? These days we are very much exposed to a “get it now” way of life – as you said with the internet and smart phones and what not everything is just so attainable. We are also wasteful, every year or so we upgrade our phone, get the newest iPad or tablet etc. etc. etc.
I wonder if some of that belief that everything is new and shiny until it isn’t and when it isn’t it is replaceable by something else new and shiny is seeping into relationships?
This is great!
I think that people just give up too quickly. What I see often is people unwilling to communicate with their significant other to sort things out.
My husband and I met in college. We met in September, started dating in October, got engaged after Thanksgiving… told our parents we were engaged at Christmas to avoid the backlash… and found out we were pregnant when we got back to school after Christmas break.
We’ve been together 6 years now. We’ve had our disagreements, and we’ve both changed some of our habits in order to make the other happier, but we wouldn’t have stayed together as long as we have if it wasn’t for our dedication to being honest with each other. We tell each other everything and when there’s a problem we talk it out and find a solution. Sometimes there are tears, sometimes we get upset, but we always find a solution, even if it takes days or weeks.
Often, when one of my friends is talking about breaking up with someone, they give me a list of problems and I ask them if they’ve talked to their partner about it. Often the answer is “I don’t know how” or “he should somehow magically know why I’m upset”. People just don’t want to talk about things and work on fixing them. They’d rather give up.
Perfectly stated.
Thank you!
such a beautiful and enlightening post, especially received by someone who is young themselves and ‘in love’. Lots of thought produced by this
Thanks Isadora! Young, yes. But in love, no.
Reblogged this on hichemovic and commented:
Too much ♡
I really enjoyed reading this article it was a great reminder that true love takes time.
Reblogged this on Now There's a Thought…or Two? and commented:
I wish i could’ve read this years ago…know many who could learn from this including myself.
Now there’s a truth that is running rampant in our society. No longer is it ’til death do us part”, but “until I get bored of you”. You’re so right. Love takes time and it’s not easy. Your post is a good reminder for all of us. Thank you!
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I agree. Don’t rush the important stuff.
This is literally so true!
The ugly side of todays love…:(
Loved this! Thank you kindly! 👌
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True true true! Everything in here!
Reblogged this on QueenNoDenial.
totally agree with you! Thanks for sharing!
http://obsessedorhotmess.wordpress.com
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Honestly? I think you need new friends if the ones you have on Facebook are not ones with the type of lifestyle /love life that you “approve” of.
I have 5,000 friends on Facebook and almost 3,000 subscribers on top of that, just on my personal page. I am not allowed to have any new friends, I’ve hit the limit. :/ But thanks for the suggestion!
What I meant was that you might want to weed out the people who cause drama, bouncing between being in a relationship and belt single, people who are unstable. A great majority of the time, you can tell a lot about a person by the people he/she is good friends with
I know what you meant, but nobody knows who I am good friends with. 🙂 my comments in this article were clearly stated as observations, I never said I spend time with those types of people. In fact nothing about me or anything I have ever written would suggest that I do.
Facebook is a vast chasm of social interactions – connections on there do not signify a ‘good friend’ in real life.
Very true, self control is such a learning curve for us all.
Reblogged this on The World at my fingertips...
Very well said. I know I am young, but I am marrying next weekend. Your post put a bit of insight into the situation, but I feel very well prepared with my heart to know that I will mean the words: “until death do us apart”.
A nice heartfelt blog and I do think it is important to face trials together before you marry the one you love to be sure you understand that it is a promise to be kept in all circumstances.
I loved the post, and again, thanks for sharing it.
“But if we allow our emotions to rule us completely we very often tend to make irrational decisions that backfire in the future.” – Kind of like following blogs. It’s so easy to get swept up in the hype when you read a good post. You seem very knowledgeable about relationships.
Reblogged this on Citizen's Blog.
Thanks for writing this. After being widowed 2 years now after a marriage of 27 years, I have been checking out sites to meet someone to maybe have coffee with and take things slow as friends first. I married my husband in 1985 and we dated for 3 months. There were many times during our marriage I wish we had waited to marry, but we worked through the problems and hung in there together. However, it did give me more insight into what to look for now at the age of 50 in another man. We have twins who are now 10 and I know that my decisions not only affect me but them as well. I was beginning to wonder if I was crazy thinking that it seems like all men want is a booty call. At least this time around I am a confident woman who knows what I truly want out of a relationship.
You are a smart woman. That will never fade, and will likely only increase. I am sure that some man will value that.
Reblogged this on A peep into the world of an Aquarian✒ ✏ and commented:
some really dope one
[…] of this problem is that people are not fully aware of what it really takes to commit to a marriage. They are rushing love, getting engaged (or pregnant) before they really know someone, and before you know it – a […]
[…] this problem is that people are not fully aware of what it really takes to commit to a marriage. They are rushing love, getting engaged (or pregnant) before they really know someone, and before you know it – a few […]
I was just discussing this with one of my friends. I have been seeing someone for about 2 months now. And I learn more about him every time we are together. I feel we aregetting a deeper and deeper connection. I told my friend that they were not fireworks when we met and I was a little bit worried about that. But now it doesn’t seem like anything has fizzled. It seems like the attractions just getting stronger as we get to know each other better.
Reblogged this on Daring Greatly and commented:
I jumped into a marriage waaaay too soon while ignoring big warning signs that it shouldn’t be taking place, especially since we barely knew one another. Take a divorced dude’s advice when he says waiting, working, building, sharing, knowing, and growing TAKES TIME! I have a tattoo that says, “Love can last if you only let it grow…” Growing things takes time, patience, strength, honesty, and lots work. Take it slow!
[…] this problem is that people are not fully aware of what it really takes to commit to a marriage. They are rushing love, getting engaged (or pregnant) before they really know someone, and before you know it – a few […]
Reblogged this on aquarisagitaries.
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with you (not that I really will need to…HaHa). You certainly put a fresh spin on a topic that has been written about for a long time.
Excellent stuff, just excellent!
I love this post and thank you for sharing. I went through a break up that left me completely devastated. The guy was my best friend and he even said we were. Now he is marrying a girl he only knew for a month. I was shocked when I found this out and she has been married before. He told me he just did’t see us going anywhere romantically. I felt like he was saying you being my best friend isn’t enough for me. I don’t feel infatuated towards you. We had a solid foundation and I like how you pointed out that rushing into things does not allow time to develop a solid foundation. And they skipped over everything. I am glad that I found this post as I share the same beliefs about love. I do not believe that love happens at first sight or over night. It is an emotion that takes time to develop. I subscribed to your blog and hope that I will find peace and comfort through you advice.
[…] that it’s just your quirk that might be a little weird, and not you as a person. If she finds out private things about you too early, you’ll just be “that guy with that thing.” Not a good […]
Guys and girls should desire to glorify God more than themselves, only then will really love and probably marry well,if they are led to.
That’s a matter of opinion…not everyone believes in a god/gods and they live perfectly happy lives with amazing relationships. Myself included.
Am not talking about a god. Am talking about the God of the universe. I wrote the post to encourage those who truly believe in the God of all gods and desires to please Him. I don’t know what happiness means to you. But for me knowing my name is written in the book of life makes me happy ,no matter what may come my way ,I happy because Jesus died for me to save my soul from hell . He saved me from depression and fear . And I love now because before I use to despise Him but now everything is different. Am in love with my savior. I simply encourage others who may feel discouraged because of situations and stuff to hold on to God and give Him glory with their lives. You see mere religion can not give peace but a life found in Jesus is simply worth living for His glory. You see am not being opinionated ,am simply expressing truths I have in the word of God. Jesus loves you deeply too, no matter what.
Yea, I don’t believe any of that. But I live a happy life full of love and great people. 🙂 Hope you have a great day!
[…] problem is that people are not fully aware of what it really takes to commit to a marriage. They are rushing love, getting engaged (or pregnant) before they really know someone, and before you know it […]
[…] article was originally published at http://jamesmsama.com. Reprinted with permission from the […]