As men in the 21st century, the vast amount of ‘advice’ permeating the interwebs regarding the subject of meeting women is often littered with Pickup-Artistry and similar methods that claim if you just pay the few thousand dollars to spend the weekend with the masters, you will be able to walk into any bar, and bookstore, or by any outdoor cafe and leave with a slew of phone numbers, or maybe even a woman. Easy!
We live in a society of instant gratification. We want what we want, and we want it now. We don’t want to have to work for it or put in any real effort, we just want to find the quickest path from not having it, to having it. This misses the entire point. It misses the point of fulfillment, happiness, and building actual relationships. It misses the point of having something with someone that will actually last, and not just a sequence of one night stands that we expect to bring us happiness, only to find out after much wasted time that it never does.
Of course there are good and bad in all kinds, but the overarching message that ‘if you do this, that will happen’ completely ignores the nuances and individuality of the billions of women in the world. What attracts one will push away another, and it simply becomes a numbers game of rejection before you find someone who your routine works on. Not an overly efficient system, and often discouraging.
But as a generalization, it is safe to admit that there is a certain depth (there’s that word again) lacking when it comes to how men are being taught to approach, and subsequently treat women. If we have generations of men who are only learning how to pick up women, we will have no men who know how to actually treat them. It’s like getting yourself an exotic car but never learning how to drive it. “Durr durrr now what do I do?”
Here’s the harsh truth nobody tells you about meeting women: You are starting behind the 8-ball before she even sees you coming. You are, for all she knows, just another guy who is going to use some cheesy or inappropriate pickup line on her that has nothing to actually do with her, who she will then reject or ignore only to have you throw a temper tantrum and possibly insult her or her friends before storming away. You may be the best guy on the planet, but the hundreds of men who have approached her before you have increased her awareness of how unlikely that is to be the case.
For this reason, you need to put her at ease. You need to make her comfortable which often requires a balance of having intention in your actions but not coming across as overbearing or overanxious.
Figuring this out isn’t easy, but as we all know, there is no success without failure. We need to be rejected repeatedly in order to learn what works, what doesn’t, and to grow a thicker skin. This is why the strong survive, those who give up will never truly find what they are looking for, and always wonder why other men do. It is a matter of personal resiliency and learning as you go.
Meeting women is often about you. We have to be honest with ourselves and ask ‘have I worked to become the type of man that this type of woman would give her attention to?’ This may not have as much to do with your appearance, but what lies beneath the surface. Women can easily see through your facade and will know if you are the real deal or not very quickly. If you have an affinity for strong, smart, successful women – but have not yet developed the conversational skills required to be quick-witted and keep calm when you are nervous, you will likely lose her attention before you can even offer to buy her a drink.
It is no secret that women respond to confidence. This does not mean arrogance or approaching her like you’re doing her a favor. It means being secure enough in yourself to understand you’re about to speak to another human being, not try to diffuse a bomb. Proper posture, tone of voice, and body language is essential to this. It is more important than what you say.
Also don’t be mistaken, your looks do matter. But not necessarily the ones you were gifted (or not) from the gene pool. The way you choose to dress and present yourself will send her messages about you before you even begin to speak.
Women get hit on constantly, so how can you make sure that you are someone she actually notices?
You’ve got to be social. Get into the world and meet new people. Perhaps your preference is online dating but if you have limited experience actually interacting with women you will be challenged to get past the first date. Make yourself recognizable. Increase your chances of meeting women by surrounding yourself with people who can introduce you to new connections. If you are introduced to someone, the person introducing you is essentially vouching for you, because they wouldn’t introduce their friend to a creep, right?
You’ve got to be cool, calm and collected. You’ve got to make sure that you speak with clear intent and that you mean to say everything you’re saying. You can’t second-guess yourself (visibly). You’ve got to not be weird. Don’t stare where you shouldn’t stare. Make her feel comfortable. Don’t stand over her or face her directly, be causal. Smile. Don’t come across as though you’re seeking her approval, even though you probably are.
Act as if you are having a regular conversation, not as if you’re trying to pitch a product to someone. Introduce yourself. And introduce yourself to her friends. Read their body language. Leave when you should. Stay when you should.
Particularly if you are at a party, event, or somewhere where you will see her multiple times during the night, you will be better served if you casually start a conversation with no pressure, linger for a few minutes, and then excuse yourself before it could get awkward. This will eliminate her hesitancy that you are going to cling to her all night until she is forced to just leave, and it will also leave the door open for smiles across the room and you continuing your conversation later in the evening.
And most of all, work on yourself until these things come natural to you. Observe others if you have to. Read. Learn. And then get out into the world and make it happen.
How you develop yourself as a man will be more beneficial to your dating life than any routine, outfit, or pickup line ever will be. A man’s charm can only gain a woman’s interest. It will be his depth, integrity, and consistency that keeps her with him.
We cannot complain about not finding the right woman if we have not yet worked to become the right man.
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