5 Ways To Avoid The Friend Zone


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When writing articles about chivalry, romance, and relationships – one tends to learn quite a bit about people from comments, emails, and messages.

One of the things that I have learned is a prominent issue, is the male race’s avoidance of kindness for fear of being seen as “just a friend.” Particularly when I come right out and say you should develop a friendship with the woman you love.

Two women in a bed

The issue comes when you put too much emphasis on the friendship, and not enough on your romantic intentions. I’ve been there, gentlemen – and it’s not fun. I can relate.

But, here’s the thing: You can still be a good guy, and be taken seriously by women. The trick is to not be seen as a pushover, otherwise known as “the nice guy.” Nice guys often find themselves in what we refer to as…the friend zone.

Many claim it’s a mythical area of life that doesn’t really exist, but those people have never been in a situation where a woman has permanently defined them in her mind as a sort-of-kind-of brother figure. It happens, and it no fun.

Now, to be fair, a woman is only going to choose one man to be with. So technically, the other billions of men in the world are all in her ‘friend zone.’ When looked at on a larger scale, the concept doesn’t really make much sense. But when felt as a blow to the ego, it is very real.

So, how do you project that you’re a good guy, while still being seen as a potential romantic partner?


Don’t be a doormat.

People, for some reason, hear chivalry and think that they are required to be at a woman’s beck and call. She says jump, you say “how high?” This, obviously, is not the case.

Part of being a good partner is being a support system for your woman. Helping her where you can, doing things for her because you care, taking extra steps to make sure she is happy – but it’s imperative to not sacrifice your dignity in the process. A woman wants a teammate to stand beside her. A man she can respect. A man she can count on when times get rough. Not a puppy dog who’s going to follow her around and lose his own identity in the process.

The majority of women don’t want to be with a man whose ass they could kick. Have some pride, man.


Make your intentions known.

That’s right. You’re a man who is interested in a woman, and it’s time to start acting like it. If you continue to “court” a woman, but she doesn’t actually know you’re courting her, then you’re setting yourself up for failure. Most women understand the fact that men are interested in more than friendship with them, but if you’re not assertive enough, odds are you will miss out.

To quote Ryan Reynolds in the movie Just Friends – “Always kiss her on the first date, because friends don’t kiss.”

Exude confidence.

Notice I didn’t say arrogance. The reason why some win and some lose at the dating game, is often tied to this point – confidence. It takes confidence to approach a woman in the first place. Confidence to make your move. Confidence to convey your feelings to her. Confidence to be secure enough with yourself to be romantic without feeling like you’re sacrificing your masculinity.

Confidence to be yourself.

Your confidence will be your foundation for success in relationships, and in life. Work on this first – and then move forward.

Present yourself properly.

Basic. Simple. But often overlooked – without some sort of mutual attraction, there can be no start to a relationship. Dress up, clean up, man up, and show women that you’re worthy of their attention.

If she’s not attracted to you, how do you expect something intimate to grow from that beginning?


Take her on a damn date.

Of all of the above points, I dare say this could be the most important. Without a date, you may not get the chance to even show your woman of interest, anything else mentioned in this article. A date is your chance to show her who you are Make sure you show her the real you from the get-go, don’t send some representative who you don’t intend to be forever.

Ask her on a proper date, be creative, put in effort. Show her that you care enough to take the time to plan something.

Make sure these pieces of the puzzle are in place.

And, never forget the words of Ryan Reynolds from above: Always kiss her, because friends don’t kiss.


Click here to get my new e-book, The Modern Man’s Guide To Chivalry And Courtship!



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  1. brittany on February 5, 2015 at 9:27 pm

    Hi james, I’m a huge fan of your articles, I was wondering if you had any advice on how a women can keep herself or get herself out of the friend zone ?

    • kissofdanger on February 6, 2015 at 8:51 am

      This is a really good question. I was thinking the same thing.

    • Joe on February 6, 2015 at 11:15 am

      Maybe I can offer some useful thoughts. Throughout my life I’ve only had one female friend who I could just never date – just a lot of incompatabilities, the least of which was her being quite a bit older. Anyway, that’s not important. What can be taken away from the experience is that there was one Christmas in which she made me a really nice, thoughtful gift, and the gesture was so touching, that for a moment I was able to see only the things that I liked about her. Now, I was in a relationship at the time, so nothing came of it. What I’m saying is that there are instances that can be created to help people get a glimpse of who one is at their core, and that can do a lot for a relationship.
      One other thought: I’m not for the idea that men should always be the pursuers, and women just lay back and wait for life to happen. If that’s how culture chooses to conduct itself, then by all means, what do I care? I’m a man. If I want to date a woman, I ask her out, and then I know what her feelings are. But if you’re a woman, and you feel strongly about something, you really do owe it to yourself to take control of your life and go after what you want. Nobody wants to wonder “what if?”
      Anyway, those were the musings in my head from your question. Take from them what you will.

  2. anonymousannaxo on February 5, 2015 at 9:32 pm

    Love this article, but I agree with Brittany, how can women stay out of the friend zone? Or how do you get out of that friend zone?

  3. Lezhel on February 6, 2015 at 2:52 am

    Hi James thumbs up to this article of yours. Me myself is being stuck in this friend zone thing and i don’t like it not exciting at all.

  4. kissofdanger on February 6, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    “Make your intentions known.” This is very important! Don’t expect her to assume or do the work for you.

  5. jenikaray on February 11, 2015 at 12:42 am

    Reblogged this on Jeni's Journey.

  6. 5 Ways To Avoid The Friend Zone - on February 19, 2015 at 6:33 am

    […] article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog. For more from him, follow him on Facebook and Twitter. Photo credit: Claus Tom […]

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