10 Ways To Know You’re Dating A True Gentleman
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I’ve made posts in the past about qualities of a gentleman, as well as the differences between a ‘bad boy’ and a jerk. But, how does this all translate into how somebody acts while in a relationship?
A man may be able to put across a great image, but it could simply be a cover for hidden shortcomings, or he could just be totally faking it to ‘get the girl.’
Here are some ways to know if you’ve struck gold:
A true gentleman values more than just your looks.
Is every compliment from him about a different body part? It doesn’t matter how creative he can be, if a guy’s sole focus is on how you look, or ‘talking dirty,’ see it as a red flag. A real man will value your personality, your kindness, your intelligence, and who you are as a person, in general. The things he makes you feel good about will be things that you control, not just results of getting lucky in the gene pool.
A true gentleman will never be intimidated by your motivation.
A man who has goals for himself, will want to be with a woman who has goals for her own life, too. He will never feel intimidated or threatened by a woman who goes after what she wants. He will want to be part of a power couple, rather than a dictatorship. Be mindful of anyone who tries to keep you from pursuing your dreams.
A true gentleman will have more interests than just you.
I don’t mean this in a negative way. You should, of course, be a priority in his life – but he needs to have a life as well. Interests, friends, hobbies, aspirations. If a man works his entire life around you, it’s another red flag – relationships should be a great part of your life, but not encompass your whole life.
A true gentleman will give you answers.
No matter how awkward or uncomfortable a situation is, a real man will approach it, and you, with respect. I have always felt that a mark of a man is how he handles conflict, criticism, and less-than-ideal situations. A man will not dance around answers or make excuses. If there is something you two need to talk about, he will talk about it.
A true gentleman is direct.
In addition to the last point – there will be no mind games or manipulation in your relationship. A man will be direct, to the point, and honest with you…but with kindness.
A true gentleman will trust you.
As long as you haven’t betrayed his trust, a man will NOT be paranoid, or snoop around invading your privacy to make sure you’re not doing anything bad. He will have confidence in your relationship. A boy will project his own insecurities onto you, and like termites in a house, will eat away at the foundation of what you’ve built.
A true gentleman is cool, calm, and collected.
It should be understood that part of what comes with the territory of having a girlfriend, is dealing with her getting hit on. If you’re at the bar together, or if she’s out with her friends, it goes without saying that your girlfriend will get hit on every once in awhile.
Instead of letting his primate instincts prevail and beating his chest like an angry gorilla to scare off competition, a confident man will calmly make his position known, and understand that you’re still going home with him at the end of the night.
A true gentleman will show you respect.
Nothing signifies an empty shell of a man more than someone who disrespects women, animals, or children. A good man will treat you with the respect that you deserve, never force you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, and never mistreat you. Be honest enough with yourself to walk away from any situation that is dangerous to you, physically or emotionally.
A true gentleman will put effort into your relationship.
Boys are generally apathetic and just look for one thing from a woman. A man, will do what it takes to make you happy, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Your happiness, is his reward.
A true gentleman will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.
A man will empower those around him. He will strive for greatness and therefore inspire others to strive for it as well. This not only includes friends and co-workers, but also significant others.
As Mark Twain said – Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
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Tall order. I agree with most of your ten, On my own personal list…
1. I value men who own up to it when they make mistakes (which all real men do).
2. I value real men who cut me some slack and accept my mistakes (and apologies).
3. I value men who have their own friends and their own interests and don’t depend on women to make their social calendars.
4. I value men who have a great sense of humor to help get through rough times, which every relationship has.
5. I value real men who respect the relationship enough to make decisions based on how it affects the relationship as opposed to only their own needs.
6. I value real men who support rather than rescue
7. I value real men who get physical, get dirty, get sweaty.
8. I value real men who act like men, not like my women friends.
9. I value real men who listen instead of fix
10. I value real men who take care of the children.
Great list! I totally agree with everything here too. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Now that’s the best list I’ve ever heard. I’ve always been crazy critical of these types of thing but I can’t find any point that’s too subjective, ridiculously Hollywood, and that’s totally unaccepting of multi-gender weaknesses (Also had a rough time of pretty much every relationship I’ve had, so I’d probably have trust issues alongside of being a “real man”), but this actually allows a man to be recognized as person. Not someone whose from a romantic-comedy, but someone who you say you love for the human they really are, instead of the glorified idea you want them to be.
I think your idea of a real men is no different than what we all can hear on an episode of Dr. Phil or even what our parents have told us for decades which is wrong info.
I do agree with most of your points, but I just find that they’re too mainstream, and mainstream has it all f-d up when it comes to what really works when it comes to attraction and dating.
sounds like a real man is a huge pussy
Hey Lucas, thanks for your feedback man.
Can you explain a little more how staying calm and collected, respecting people, being direct, not avoiding confrontation, being trusting, having a life, and not being intimidated – makes someone a ‘huge pussy’?
Would love to hear your reasoning. Thanks!
I James agree with your post unlike Lucas. What i loved about this was i realize i fit the description perfectly. Im not being conceited in any way. But some of these points you made I have always had to ask the question if i was doing right. For example: my girlfriend moved closer to where i currently live. Now that shes closer we spend more time together during the week, which is nice because now on the weekends i have more time with my friends. At first she was taken back by my weekend “off ” here and there as she calls it. But Ive always been forward about taking a weekend to hang with the guys ya know what i mean. And I think alot of relationships have forgotten that. For some reason everyone thinks just because your in a relationship, you have to devote all your time to that person. And im glad i learned a long time ago thats completely false, and actually its toxic in a relationship. My gf has finally come around on this concept and she now has finally learned to just go out without me once in awhile and have fun with the girls. If we fight she hates to talk about it and will do anything to avoid it. Me im straight forward to the point and i wanna resolve the issue. So again thanks for the post and ill be looking forward to future posts.
Lucas, it sounds like you need to re-read this list. And when you’re done, read it again. This whole list is about being a man of character, the kind of man who can contemplate an intellectual topic without the need to immediately reject it and throw out timid insults. There’s nothing here that mentions seeking approval or being weak which is how I would define a “pussy”.
Clearly your not a real man lucas…your the huge pussy 🙂
Lucas, you sound like an asshole and probably have none of the qualities on this list.
Yes! love you lucas! agreed. JMS is the biggest pussy alive!
Love this article and the list!
I believe in every one of these points whole-heartedly, actually! And furthermore, a person who DOESN’T believe that these simple and established truths have merit as a sort of “true gentleman’s guide” is probably doing it wrong him/herself. Speculation on my part, but a girl’s entitled to her opinion. Luckily, my man does all of these things with the exception of two–as opposed to manning up to conflict, he runs. At the first sign of confrontation, the very first sense of anger in a turning tone of voice, and he’s done for. Luckily, that’s an area in which he can improve, if he’s willing. Because being a true gentleman doesn’t always mean it’s ingrained! =)
Nobody is perfect – I’m not sure that even I do all 10 of these things on a daily basis, but I try to use it as a guide for improvement and as you said, to be a true gentleman.
I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and comment, and glad that you’ve got someone who at least scores an 80%! 😉
9 times out of 10, according to your list, a real man will undoubtedly be stuck in the “friend zone”
That’s the sad truth! but it doesn’t mean we should hold ourselves to a lesser standard.
There’s no such thing as the friendzone. A girl isn’t a machine you stick niceness coins into until sex comes out.
This is the best thing I have ever read.
The friendzone is a thing for men and women. Men are not just interested in sex.
I don’t know about you, but I’m more likely to love someone back who is my friend and treats me with niceness, than someone who does not. It’s frustrating that people don’t act like this though. For example, following these 10 traits may be beneficial while in a relationship, but are more likely to be a turn-off for women when trying to start a relationship.
How to tell if you are a real man:
1. You have a Penis.
2. You an X and a Y chromosome.
End of list.
Lists like this suck. Want to make a “How to tell you’re dating a real woman” list and see how it goes over?
Hey Eli, thanks for your feedback.
Actually, if you go through my other articles, you’ll find that most of them are about women.
You might enjoy these: http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/11/11/6-reasons-youre-still-single-part-1-girls/
Just some quick examples.
Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.
Please…hidden short comings are alluding to some epitome which is unattainable. Let’s stay grounded, ok?
Point 1, are your readers 15?
Point 2, power couple? Senseless term…how about gender equality? Some blasé term that means nothing and sounds like a catch phrase isn’t important; again, an archetype in some fantasy world. What is a power couple anyway? Sounds egocentric.
Pont 3, obvious.
Point 4 and 5,…Unless she’s a psycho or has a substance abuse issue and needs to be eased into things…yes.
Point 6 there’s something you can never reveal to anyone but your lawyer and God and that’s your bank account number and its contents.
Point 7. Personal preference; Some things require dire solutions.
Point 8. And anyone for that matter.
Point 9. Thanks for the tip.
Point 10. Unless you’re a plastic surgeon, yes. But who is this shallow besides them?
Point # 10: Where did you get the false analogy to a plastic surgeon?
“A real man will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.”
No where there is it implying that the “gentlemen” change his significant other. This is really all about how you make a woman feel; you give her the self respect and treatment that fosters introspection and self-improvement NOT for you, but for her. A gentlemen doesn’t sculpt the woman he is dating like a plastic surgeon, he provides the support that she needs to be who SHE wants to be.
Point 6 has ZERO relevance, as if you just saw the header and scrolled to the bottom of the page to complete you list of points attacking the assumed contents of the article according to you. Point 6 says a gentlemen is trusting, where did you get the completely backwards idea that a gentlemen is some sort of confidence trickster? Was that because you thought 4 and 5 largely irrelevant? Is deceptive and malicious manipulation something that a gentlemen should engage in? I guess in that case I see why you are warning everyone to hold on to their wallets…
Your other points are just as falsely interpreted. I suggest rereading his 1-10 (or just reading it properly for your first time) but without the passive aggressive and closed minded approach you seemed to favor before.
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How can anyone take you seriously when your banner includes the picture of a car and your pretentious self? Your deluded description falls considerably short in describing a desirable man. A real man is a human with a Y chromosome. The optimally desirable man is someone who has the psychological capacity for emotional attachment, actively takes care of people close to him as needed, maintains a steady level of interest in a woman, maintains a stable set of responsibilities (including employment), and has enough disposable income to satisfy the respective woman’s minimal socioeconomic requirements. The definition of desirable will obviously vary based on the compromises a woman is willing to make.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
As far as being taken seriously goes, I really don’t mind if I’m taken seriously or not. I like my car so I wanted to put a photo of it on my blog to help represent my interests, can you please elaborate on how this affects my credibility?
Furthermore, I do agree with your definition of a real man as well, so thanks for sharing that – though, I don’t see how it contradicts my points in this article?
If you could be more specific about why the content I’ve written here is flawed, rather than saying my site design takes away from the actual words on it, that would be great.
Thanks again for your time.
My problem with your content, including your web design, is that it perpetuates a superficial set of expectations in our youth about whom they might find desirable in the future. The entirely subjective lists that you confidently display only succeed in putting up mental walls of disqualifying criteria, rather than encouraging an air of inclusiveness and acceptance of human diversity.
That’s interesting feedback…some I haven’t heard before so I appreciate the new perspective.
One thing I can address with the ‘web design’ is that this is just a simple templated wordpress theme, which has a photo of myself and my car on it – please accept my apologies for not finding this overly outlandish.
Secondly, I would encourage you to read other articles, primarily “a message to all women about confidence” where I speak about my girlfriend who is fighting breast cancer and how I make sure she feels beautiful every day – and so should every other woman, because they all are beautiful.
I can’t say if you’ve read my other articles or not but I can assure you these are not accusations one would be making if they had a clear perception of my character.
Thanks again Mint,
As long as we are talking about real men let’s talk about being real. What would be REALLY great is if anybody who considers themselves”REAL” in any y, shape, or form would tell the MAN’s WIFE OF 17 YEARS if he has ANY OTHER “INTERESTS” OF ANY KIND. Especially female and or make love interests. Momentary interests that a real man would be proud of and if not proud at least make said wife AWARE OF because according to MYMAN we (his wife and himself-actually any real man) only have 1 checking account and a hundred or so dollars in it and that it’s RIDICULOUS for me (HIS WIFE!) to fathom any other situation of any kind is possible. I would love to celebrate any great happenings that he has but he shares nothing. No words (even when I do stop talking-sort of funny), no feelings… I’m sorry about Margots situation. I had no idea. …..Even if it’s awkward please share with his wife what is really going on. I have a thousand ideas as to what is going on but he always says ma’am you crazier than a boot scooting boogey boogeying in the buff when no one is suppose to be watching… No pun intended. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated and don’t beat around the bush (maybe pun intended) please be direct. I will not “kill the messenger” ever go if it is bad news. I make cry and or yell but I’ll live and we’ll discuss on wether or not… No I will not tell him who said what but if he figures it out… Ba… Nevermind heehee
I enjoyed this blog. Thought it was a great list and it can apply to women also! I also enjoyed the comments. Some people are nice, some are rude, and some are plain ignorant. Good entertainment! Thanks for the read!
Thanks Laura! Yes, the comments are sometimes more interesting than the article itself, haha.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. 🙂
I can’t believe how many people have replied to this article criticizing the message (and really, the webpage?!?!?) I read this because an ex-coworker posted this with the caption “True That!” and I have seen multiple posts over the past year of how happy she is with her fiancé. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, yet they “look” happier on facebook thank I feel in real life, so I thought forsure it would be a good read. And it was. I disagree whole-heartedly with the people replying to this saying this “real man” is a “p**** ” & a “real man is simply a human with a Y chromosome” – really people???
The “Real Man” described in this post IS what most women dream about growing up. He IS what most women WANT in life. He IS what most women vie to marry in life. He IS their best friend! Honestly this article has made me look at my 7 year relationship because the words that JMS has written, are, simply put, true. Women need to feel appreciated, loved, not held back in their ambitions, and have a man who appreciates more in life than just her — all in which make a man, a man.
Thank you for this read. I really appreciate it! I look forward to reading more articles.
Well, Sarah, that’s the problem –
None of these comments actually attack the article itself. They either say something directly to me, criticize the pictures in the article, or make some sort of indirect insult that doesn’t address any of the actual content.
If anyone was willing to give me specific reasons why I was wrong, I’d love to hear it. One person sort of broke it down but I don’t understand how these points could actually be argued against.
Perhaps they’ve opened people’s eyes to the kind of men who they are not, and should be.
Thanks for your kind words. Also for reading and taking the time to leave this great comment. 🙂
I do love him… All of his selves. A good yes, person who is having an adulterous affair at least in mind if not probably also in physically “boomeranging”. Even work wife s and or long time besties should be ashamed for enabling him in extra marital experiences. It confused me, him (nice try) and yourselves also must be hurting from time to time even though you know he wants his marriage to last. We are not working on it really because he will not admit that he had a problem. Marital, extra marital, or anything difficult to talk about. He just avoids it. If you think I summed him up then PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD be honest and tell him and don’t let him leave until he hears it. Really heard it and not the “difficult street stuff”. Tell him what he is doing wrong that hurts his marriage! You all know what he does and you say nothing because he’s a likeable (and more) guy. I know there is way worse. He is great but he’s only hurting himself, me, and any future “anything” in the future with anybody if he can’t recognize and man up to what he’s already doing that our vows before God in a church 17 years ago and what himself and I agreed upon as what we should be. I explained timed my loathing of housework. He loves it anyways. The lists I can stand for but it’s the quantity of them and the length. People, be tough on him! He needs it! He craves it! He actually likes it when I’m upset with him for some reason. Help me people and God… I know you’re there please help all of us. You say that we are suppose to all for what we want. It’s in the Bible. Yes well I think it is. I haven’t read the whole thing. Maybe 1/4-2/3rds… It feel apart because I looked through it so much. Looking for answers.
Great article, James.
I found myself thinking about if I did any of these things in my past relationships. And, lo and behold, I can honestly say I scored myself a 50% according to this list! Of course I’m only 28 and been in two serious relationships, but I know that I can definitely improve in many areas in my next one! Also, these are qualities of a strong man, not just being a gentleman for a woman. They remind me of my father and how he treated his family and how he did things in his life. So, thanks for this post, James! I just made some new goals for myself!
Thanks Marcus! I really appreciate that.
I’m with you man – I myself try to use these points (and others) as guidelines in day to day life. We all vary from time to time, but I think having something to strive towards will open our eyes to where we can improve, and then take action to do it.
Thanks for reading and commenting, it’s much appreciated.
Ironic that the article advocates a well-rounded human being that’s not shallow or one-dimensional, and is then supported by images that could not be more materialistic and shallow.
I know, right? Some guy getting a shave, a cigar, and people in romantic situations…super materialistic, shallow, and completely unrelated to the article. 🙂
Thanks for taking the time to read this and give your feedback!
Model getting shaved in suave hipster attire. Ryan Reynolds coming down on a model. Model with half buttoned shirt.
Model bent over on bed.
Those are some selective descriptions you’ve got there. And some awfully thin skin for an online journalism. Strap in, cowboy.
Thin skin? Have you seen my replies to other nonsensical comments on this blog? I’m strapped in brother, because I’m the one who’s being proactive and writing things that I hope to better the world with, and you’re the one who is trolling online trying to knock them down.
How about instead of talking about the photos and trying to discern nonexistent meaning from them – simply because they were chosen to look good – try actually picking apart the content in the article and letting me know why it’s not up to par, incorrect, or just down right wrong.
I’d love to hear your feedback.
Thanks again for spending your time on my website. 🙂
Love it, and love your well thought out civil responses to the trolls!
Thank you! Much appreciated. Plenty of experience dealing with the nay-sayers, so it’s an acquired skill, I suppose. 😉
For most of the morons (and that’s being kind) that make such comments as, “A man has an X and Y chromosome, period,” need I remind you, that’s the definition of a MALE. A MAN is what happens when the male has real confidence, and treats others, himself, and his woman with respect. Learn the difference
Well said good sir.
James, my brother just shot me this article and I enjoyed reading it. I just got out of an intense, serious relationship and I wish I could have read something like this long ago to avoid what I endured. This definitely puts things into a healthy, realistic perspective. Also, kudos to you handling criticism and responding with logical debate. I look forward to future reading from you and wish you and your lady well during her battle with cancer.
Thank you Elyse! I appreciate the kind words – it’s nice to see a midst an ocean of nonsensical comments. 😉
Sorry to hear that your relationship ended, but it sounds like you’ve used it as a learning experience and are moving forward strongly. Much respect. 🙂
People that disagree with this article have either not learned these lessons through their various failed relationships (I know I learned a few of these in the past), are controlling assholes, or don’t realize that this is not geared towards men trying to attract women (the friend zone comments). Clearly this is bout being a real man when already IN a relationship with a woman you’ve already made your girlfriend, and it is almost a necessity to comply with if that woman has any sense of self worth and self-confidence.
Thanks Brendan – I wish that point could get across to everyone. It sounds like you understand the topic almost better than I do. There will always be people who read a few lines of something, get offended, and lash out.
C’est la vie, as they say.
Thanks for reading, and for your comment.
I concur. Absolutely.
Love, love, love! Thanks for writing an article about my wonderful husband! 😉
Ha, my pleasure!
what ever happened to just falling in love with the person who makes you laugh and you like to hang out with. No men follow a list a “traits”. Everyone is different, and you’ll know its the one when it happens.
I am not sure Joe. Love is dynamic and it needs to develop and change its form from passionate instinctive feeling to more stable in-depth relationship with each other. When the relationship matures, I do think it is important to show the qualities that James is talking about here. Basic things which are not necessarily comes natural but rather nurtured with experience such as transparency / being vulnerable, internal quality, acceptance of who your partner is as s/he is. I do think things just happened but most important is how we can keep the momentum longer, how we can keep the initial passion longer throughout the relationship. James’s list of quality sure will help to aide these happiness.
except ironically… “real men” don’t look like those on these pix… lol
Being real whether your a man or a woman is being at your significant others side to the very end through the ups and downs. Supporting them no matter how angry you are with them or how much you disagree with them. Loving that person with all your heart and never being afraid to show it.
I admire that you’ve created a niche. I got to your blog because I’m pursuing the original question and I don’t see anything here that’s new. How hard are you pushing?
I think this a reasonable list. However, I feel like it takes “Real Women” to appreciate dating a “Real Man”.
For example, “Real men will have more interest than just you” Maybe I am jaded from past experience but I believe there are girls (not women) out there who want the complete opposite of this.
To my point, I have a friend who has been dating a girl for 4 years. He has always been faithful and they spend a lot of time together.When he comes out with boys (which is rare without her joining), she constantly is texting him and calling him and pretty much ruining his night (and our nights). Heck, she gets jealous when we all meet up to play basketball. Now to your point a real secure women would appreciate a man who’s life doesn’t revolve around her and she would being doing her thing as well.
I have other examples for other #’s on the top ten list, but I don’t want to be too long winded.The point i’m trying to make is, all the listed items you touch upon are valid, I just think in order for them to be “fully effective” you have to have a significant other who is mature enough to appreciate these traits.
I couldn’t possibly agree with you more. You make really good points here. I actually wrote an article after this about how to know your girl is a keeper. I think that no matter which side you’re looking at the relationship from, trust and mutual respect are paramount – and unfortunately it sounds like your friend’s relationship may be able to be improved upon in those areas.
Thanks for your insightful comment – I appreciate you taking the time to read the article.
Obviously all of these points are correct. Men that don’t understand these things aren’t worth the time. However, only a woman who also lives up to these points is worthy of such a man. The only reason men are making negative comments is because they don’t belong here. All of this is marketed at women. Guys, why would women have a problem with pictures of rich, handsome men accessorizing an article that tells them they should be worshipped? THIS IS WHAT EVERY WOMAN WANTS! James knows what audience he’s after and how to appeal to them. Using pictures of average looking men or older couples simply doesn’t attract his demographic. Plus he’s realized that all he has to do is copy these silly lists out of Cosmopolitan magazine and change the phrasing a bit. Lastly, women have to admit that none of these points come in to play if they can score any of the men in these pictures. If a man can be described as handsome and rich, they’ll put up with the rest.
Interesting comment Jace, I do agree with a lot of it – though I never thought of copying lists out of Cosmo and changing the phrasing, maybe I should start doing that haha. This article was simply written by sitting down and typing.
Thanks for your comment.
This is an interesting post and I agree these CAN be great qualities to a specific type of woman. There are so many types of personalities out there and not every woman meshes with this type of guy.
1. Jealousy…some women love a jealous man. It makes them feel wanted and loved. To some that sounds crazy…but I’ve dated women who wished I was more jealous.
2. Cool and calm…some women like men who get angry and protective of their lover. I’ve seen it plenty of times. They like the “gorilla pounding on his chest” reaction.
I could go on…but the point is not all women are attracted to this type of man. This isn’t a description of a “real” men. It’s a description of a certain type of man. Nothing more…nothing less. Certain woman are attracted to certain traits of a man…and vice versa.
Good point Antonio – to your first point, I think that there has to be just enough jealousy to be protective, but not too much, to the point where it’s possessive, know what I mean?
I see your other point too, a lot of women like the dominant type, I just personally don’t agree with this way of handling conflicts, but that’s just me.
It’s okay to not be perfect, and no one is perfect. Are these all traits men should reach for? Absolutely. But no woman should feel she has a “lesser” because her man doesn’t fulfill all these characteristics. People have flaws, naturally. I think the movie “Don Jon” clarifies this kind of rhetoric quite well. Here’s Joseph Gordon Levitt on this subject: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIVVbWBeOPU
How screwed up would it be for me to write a list of what makes a “real woman” and then list off behaviors that I felt were indicative of someone who was the ideal romantic partner, and then imply that anyone who was less than my ideal wasn’t “really” female? That would be sexist. Basically, if you have a dick and you’re above 18 you’re a real man, and if you have a vagina and you’re above 18, you’re a real woman. Now, about the question of whether you’re a crappy person or a non-crappy person? Probably that can’t be foretold by going through a simple checklist made by a complete stranger on the internet.
Good point – can you let me know exactly which parts of the points here are incorrect and you think should be changed?
I found it all to be basic human decency, respect for others, trust, compassion, etc…
If you think people should sacrifice any of the qualities that I mentioned in the article, I’d like to hear which.
Love the list, try to follow it with every woman I date… but where is the shirt from in the 4th pic, the white one with the black border and black buttons?
I’d like to point out 2 things with this article. The first part is that all men are real. It isn’t stated here explicitly, but it is well known with the cliché statement “real men” comes a connotation about males who have left their post as men. That post has been invaded, taken over, and redecorated by a society that believes men are broken women. If there are “fake men” or broken ones, it is a result of many moving parts in a machine we all help oil. The second part I would like to address is the entitlement philosophy that women deserve access to these “real men” by virtue of them simply being a woman. Where is there work on her part to attract, support, and compliment said man? I’ll give you an anecdote to prove my point. I was sitting at a restaurant with a friend for lunch discussing my irritation with society’s delusions concerning dating, mainly that men don’t know what they want and won’t commit. To prove a point to my friend who showered me with platitudes and positive thinking pop psyche, I asked our waitress if she’d like to help us figure out a puzzle in regards to relationships. She was all ears. I told her this exchange had two parts. The first part was for her to name 5 desirable traits that she finds suitable in a man. Without hesitation, she rattled them off like a Family Feud champion: smart, funny, good looking, honest, loyal. I then asked her to name 5 traits that she could offer a man. Silence. Then more silence, then an “I don’t know” and then more silence. I’ve run this experiment dozens of times with the same result and it doesn’t matter if the woman is a waitress, lawyer, personal trainer, doctor, and one was a psychology major. In the least, what does it say about a woman if they can’t offer the things they desire such as honesty? So in response to this article, it’s nice to highlight virtuous traits in men, but how many women are capable to being the counterbalance to such a virtuous man? I hear all too often about the things that men lack and a what a “real” version of a man looks like without ever hearing about the efforts, the self-work, the character, or the virtue that women must develop to be with such a man. And that highlights a higher level of dysfunction than simply creating a top 10 list of a knight who wouldn’t waste the time to save princesses who are few and far between.
Well said, Charlie!! Thank you!
I personally feel this article isn’t helping men at all. Men are so used to being confined to “bro codes” and “real men do this”. Dude, grow up- let men be whoever they want.
Real men don’t tell other men who they have to be.
I love how the association of cigars, alcohol, sexual intimidation and fluted shirts with “real men.”
Thanks! Perhaps next time you could comment on the actual article rather than the random photos I selected for visual effect. 🙂
I thought it was a well written article. Its not like an article is going to teach you how to be a man. But some mantras or sayings to follow as a guide, I think its a good article. Girls that have a lot going for themselves, have certain expectations. I don’t think its bad, its just reality.
Real men? Real men don’t write articles about what real men are. Real men get real women whom don’t go around looking for fairytale stereotypes brought on by Disney and the likes of them.
Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read and comment on this article.
I’m not sure if being respectful, trusting, and compassionate to your partner is considered a fairy tale stereotype, but I suppose everyone has different standards for their relationships.
This article stumbled across me on one of my greyest days. Just contemplating wether or not there was even such thing as a true gentleman anymore. I am by no means a hater, but I my I have been starting to fall into the hate all men category. But it’s not really my fault. Believe me, I could write a book, but I’m still going through it, lol I haven’t come out yet. So I guess it is my fault in the sense that I should have been less trusting? More selfish? Quicker witted, more suspicious, more and less of everything that I am not. I am totally friends with myself, I can actually hang out with myself, lol me and me are cool, we go way back. I am one of these girls who demand respect (in a positive way) but why didn’t I get that respect? How I found myself so deep in this is absolutely crazy, and how to come out of it is so hard. I can only coast on the hope that there are others out there as noble as I feel I am. I appreciated this article, and a couple of the other ones, on an intellectual level, because its actually what I would kind of expect of a man, or at least hope for. Man I wish I wouldve known how to accept all the red flags before I was knee deep in the most draining relationship of my life. And now I’m a single momma of two with a man livin it up in Hong Kong. I just can’t even fathom it. Not looking for pity, I just honestly, yeah. I think it’s time for bed.
I usually re read my writing, but I can’t scroll up.
Thanks for the post, uncoincidently timely.
This describes my boyfriend to a T. He’s all of these things and more. I’m lucky enough to have found someone that isn’t just around when I’m having a good day, he’s there for the bad days too.
I wonder if those that didn’t like or understand the article are perhaps not feeling like they measure up? Its never too late for self improvement.
Love the read, I stumbled upon this through friends FB share. I’m glad I found your blog. Plan to read them all. Already read the women version of this too. It’s great as well. It’s so interesting how other men respond to this article. And it’s far too obvious how their comments define them. I think there is such few of these men with such character and qualities. These men were raised by a real man and a strong woman who helped him build that foundation required for self awareness and optimal growth. Furthermore I think an education is second biggest key role. The key points cannot compare with women because these key points DO describe a real man. A male is not a man if he is not strong and real!
A real man would never wright this article. You suck James Sama. You’re not a real man.
Don’t mind the haters, JMS.
This is great material to get bitches. Works every time for me too. The proof is in comments from the women, not from the dudes who obviously have no game. (yes, i refer to some women as bitches. That is the culture i’m from. Don’t judge me on my background….Bitches!).
I def dig the titles in bold. Women have no choice but to wet themselves hearing that shit. it’s in their DNA. Even when it’s pure bullshit sometimes, some chiks want it soo bad they convince themselves it’s real just to get-off on their fantasies.
But I will take a few friendly jabs at some of your 10 commandments.
1) Tell your smokin hot chik who spent 3 hrs to get dolled up for you that you think she has a “great personality”…haha, almost as bad as asking her to lose some weight.
4) A real man answers to no one! (except the cops…they have guns)
5) Agreed! No mind games, fellas. Leave it to the bitches. (just the bitches, not all women, relax.)
6) A real man trusts no one!…Just ask Chuck Norris
7) If your girl gets hit on only “once in a while”… haha, then you need a new girl buddy. sucks for you
9)God bless the feminist movement. This gender role reversal thing is awesome! Gold-digging is soo much fun, but it really hurts my feelings when you girls just use me for sex. I’m a human being, not some object.
All kidding aside, please consider replacing the photo with the cigar and whisky. The risk for oral cancer is significantly increased when alcohol is combined with tobacco. I understand it fits the theme but I’m sure you have a large audience and some can be easily influenced and make the wrong associations.
Keep it up playboy,
A very enjoyable and insightful read. I agree with most everything in your article. All men should have a code that they live by, whether it be Religious, Philosophical,or what have you. I appreciate lists such as these because it reminds us as men that we are not above growth and bettering ourselves. Set the bar high. Thanks for the reminder and for a great five minutes James.
“A real man will show you respect.”
The irony is that the proceeding image includes a perpetuation of a male-dominated culture. Show her respect? By showing a woman seductively placed on the bed waiting for the man. Got it.
It’s just a picture.
A lot of these comments are pretty ridiculous in that they’re deviating from the post’s points of manliness and in other words Alpha-Male characteristics as we’d say in the seduction pickup community.
As someone, who went back in the dating pool just two years ago after 10-year marriage, I can tell you that I was struck by the amount of men, who think they are “real men”, without realizing that they are just outgrown boys, who want someone to stroke their egos at all times.
If I ever find a man, who would have half of the list of those qualities, I would be the happiest girl alive. Thanks you, James, for writing this!
Real Men Reject Prescriptive Gender Essentialism
Thanks James MIchael Sama. I will add some of my own feelings on regards to this great post you have made. Since I am in a relationship i have been able to go out with my friends and observe the interaction between men and women and I can definitely see the truth in this whole scheme of what works and what doesn’t. Yes your 10 ways to know are very acccurate James, in a relationship. But in the single dating world women don’t have the time to seek out these qualities in men. It’s basically trial and error. “Date a dud to find the Stud” is my analogy.
1. A real man values more than just looks- – – I will agree with you on this with some tweeking to your post. If your in a relationship then yes this would definitely be the case. I am in one and its def good to value a girls personality, and charm, and her intelligence etc etc. But trust me my gf of 2 years loves when i visit her and when i walk in the door and tell her damn she looks very sexy in her leggings, its ON!!!! Women respond to sexual flirting. They like knowing exactly what you find sexy about them. My gf loves it!!!! In the single world women in social atmospheres don’t have the time or the interest to listen to a guy ramble on about what he thinks of her personality. With work and everything else people don’t have the time for BS, so its who catches the eye first. Its like going to buy a new car. You look and look and look and you pick out the one car thats physically jumps out at you first. Then after picking between which car physically looks the best, you finally get to the interior and learn more about what it possesses. In the dating world women and men will look for the one person that catches there eye the most. Once you finally meet then its all about what you advertise first. Then after that overtime you see what they have to offer. So women will take a test drive first and if they don’t like it then they try another one. Get my drift here lol.
2. A Real Man will Never be intimidated by your motivation. – – I will definitely agree with you on this. If a guy is in it for the long haul, he will back you 110% on your ambitions in life. Ive seen and known guys and girls both who have shot down the others goals in life. I know guys that wont even let they’re girlfriends hang out with friends because of lack of trust, or because of lack of confidence in themselves. But then again i know girls who are like this towards they’re boyfriends. This one goes both ways. If you love someone you will always support them.
3. A real man will have more interests than just you. – – This has to be my favorite one James. This is the one that alot of people need to read and understand. Both girl and guy in a relationship need to take time for themselves. In the single world this rule doesn’t apply because your already living out your other interests. But yes in the relationship world so many people i have seen with my own observation lack this simple, yet effective fundamental. Someone very dear to me since he is family, is a perfect example of this rule. He is currently married and his wife controls alot of his life. If i want to hang out with him, he goes through her first. Alot of times she says no to him and i end up being pissed off because hes my brother. And the fights grew and at one point i was worried for them. Over time he finally convinced her, along with the help from us, that its ok to take time away from each other. Everyone needs time for friends. How can you be happy when you spend every waking minute with someone. I know it sounds bad but its not. Take some time and miss each other. Have fun with friends and just unload some stress. You have each others hearts, what more could you ask for. My gf and i take time for our friends and we call it our “time off” hahahaha.
4. A real man will give you answers – – I will agree to this as well. A real woman will give you answers too. This is hard to find now-a-days. Be straight forward with each other and with no BS. Very simple to understand people! If your in a relationship, tell your other half what you want. If he or she asks you a question….then just answer the damn question. My gf loves to dance around an answer when i ask her a question. Needless to say it drives me nuts because when she asks me a question….i just answer it. Saves time and it saves from getting upset or frustrated.
5. A real man is direct – – I definitely agree to this. I tell my gf everything direct. If i want something i tell her what it is i want. She more than willingly will find the solution. If i say “hey babe im going out with my buddy to go play pool at the bar” she just says “ok baby have fun”. Unless we got something going on then ill get the o well we have to do, which is understandable. Women i think need to be more direct sometimes as well. In the single world women play mind games just to watch men flail around confused. No im not being a sexist because if it was the other way around and women had to approach the men all the time,,,,,the world would be sooooo much simpler. LOL.
6. A real man will trust you. – – that definitely goes without saying. Trust is EVERYTHING in a relationship. If you can’t trust someone YOU CANT BE WITH THEM. Yea sure you can lie to each other and say you trust each other but if you don’t mean it you know it’ll eat you up inside. “Being Direct” to someone about your trust in them must be truthful. Yea there will be times when your girl goes out that she will be hit on and thats something both sexes have to understand. My gf is very attractive and when guys hit on her she don’t even realize it. She thinks they are just being nice, but i know because i watch guys do it. And i just laugh and tell her “yea baby they were hitting on you” I dont worry because i know she will be in bed with me at the end of the night. And to both sexes,,,,,,please dont abuse the trust. Sometimes people cross the lines when they shouldn’t. For example: I personally watched a married man get dropped off at the bar by his wife with there child in the car. They probably said “i love you” and then they kissed. She left and he walked in the bar. As the night went on and the liquid courage kicked in, i watched him start flirting with a woman more and more. It went from just talking to body language, to touching etc etc. By the end of the night he was grabbing her butt and putting his arms all over her. Even tried to kiss her. When bar close came around i kept wondering if she would see him in the act….When she arrived he was in the bathroom. IDK if he was just going to the bathroom or puking. When she was walking out with him i so badly wanted to say something to her, but i felt it wasn’t my place to do so.
7. A real man is cool, calm, and collected. – – Yes and no with my agreement on this. Yes like i said its ok if your girl gets hit on, or if a guy buys her a drink. Heck thats one less drink i gotta pay for. And no im not being cheap because my gf would say the same thing to me. Free drinks are always welcome :). Just make sure you watch the bartender make the drink and that it comes directly to you. And the reason i disagree with this is because some guys will cross that fine line thats not acceptable. If a guy tries to touch my gf then i wont be so calm anymore. Now i trust my gf and shes the type that will move away if a guy tries anything towards her. A hug is not cheating people. But if your girl allows the guy to grab ass her or get too close where its constant hanging on your gf, well then i guess its the guy you shouldn’t be mad at then..
8.A real man will show you respect. – – I DEF AGREE WITH THIS!!!! I was raised by a strong father and a strong mother. I was raised to respect a woman. Unless they do something that warranted otherwise, but it takes alot to get it to that point. Ive seen some guys post on here who have shown there true colors. Some guys trying to act like they are REAL MEN because there “WOMAN” does whatever they tell them to. Yea keep thinking like that because in the long run you will be miserable and alone. I have come to know some guys who are like this and all i can say is stay away from me because im the last guy you wanna say that too. You can try and act like your a badass bossing your gf around but you wont be so badass when a REAL MAN puts you in YOUR place.
9. A real man will put effort into your relationship – – I agree. This definitely goes both ways in a relationship. Effort is key. Real men will never give up on anything in a relationship, unless the female has done something wrong. If a girl cheats, or doesnt trust you,,,then its time to throw in the towel guys. More so if they cheat….If your woman questions her trust in you, ask why she felt that she had to and see if your relationship can move forward or not.
10. A real man will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.- – I will agree to this too. Never change for anybody! Its ok to make adjustments in your life to best fit your relationship, but never change who you are as a person. A real man inspires a girl to move forward. For ex: My girlfriend has had her review meeting with her bosses. She was so nervous they would have negative things to say and that she might lose her job……….well throughout the year she has had ups and downs with work as far as stress goes. But my gf works her butt off for the company and i have always encouraged her and have told her she is doing a great job, even though her job adds stress on us. Some nights she would get home and want nothing to do with anybody for the night. As hard as that was to get use to, some nights i let her be alone to relax and i find something else to do and she loves me for that. Theres where adjusting comes into play. But even through it all i always told her she works hard and that she puts so much effort in and that everything will be fine. And in the long run she had an amazing review at work.
The point of all this is that in the single world ladies, you never will know if the guy is a “REAL MAN” or not unless you give him a chance. ANd lets face it, in a world full of stress, and all the hours we all put in at work, we don’t have the most time in the world. Yes there are guys out there who are players…..and some of them will even brag about it. Others will hide if from you and act like a real man. In reality ladies you are the cause of your own question. You don’t know who the real men are because you don’t take the time to find them. Sooooooo many times ive seen women be very shallow. Real men don’t get you drunk so they can hook up with you…..but women will get drunk and guess what, the bad guy always wins. Love what i have posted or hate it I don’t care. But you all know deep down that the door swings both ways. The secret to finding a real man…………..is patience!!!!! PAY ATTENTION TO DETAILS. Ladies a million to one,,,,the real man your seeking………is usually a man you already know who is sitting there on the sideline hoping one day you will look his way. If you don’t want to believe that fact then have fun with all the players out there who are just looking for a one night stand.
I love, love, LOVE this article! Lately, I’ve seen a lot of articles reposted by my female friends about how real men “open doors, pick up every single tab and treat you like the queen you are”. It’s SO much more than that. I want to be treated as an equal. Being a woman entitles me to nothing. I feel that you get what you give. Of course, I think it’s very sweet and loving when my boyfriend opens the door for me and picks up the tab. He does these things (and more) for me, not because I’m a woman, but because he loves me and has the utmost respect for me. To me, that’s what’s important. Preach it, Mr. Sama!!!
Alot of these sound nice and wishy washy, but what about the man himself, His character is much more important than his overall focus on the women herself. Dreams, aspirations, and hobbies are a good way of wording it but it goes beyond that. Sometimes a man has to be a man, the idea here is that yes, men should be nice to his women but it’s impossible to think that a man can achieve all of this and still be successful in things like work, education, and society. In my opinion a real man is one who puts his priorities ahead of any one, if a woman wants to be a part of that mans life then a woman should expect that this man has goals and aspirations and not put herself ahead of them by forcing a man to be everything listed above. A man can be some of these and still retain his long term goals but asking all of it from him is asking to much. A relationship is a two way street and is not solely dependent on the man alone, there’s a mutual understanding that needs to be established beforehand that the man was the way he was before you got into a relationship with him, and changing him would be the opposite of acceptance, why give a woman all of the things she expects from us when she already knew what she was going to get by establishing the relationship beforehand. By that standard if I should have to give these above behaviors then would that make a women anymore likely to give me what I want from her? No, of course not. No one is perfect and at some point you’re going to have conflicting ideals whether it’s about money, kids, location of residence, parents, jobs, and even hobbies, and trust issues. A man should never whole heartedly trust anyone 100%, 99% is fine but I would never give blind faith to a person whose life I will never know completely about. A real man in my opinion is himself and if a woman wants the things listed above then she should go find a man with those qualities while expecting fully to rarely find it.
It’s an A-Ok article. I personally would step in if some guy was hitting on my woman. Not because I’m insecure but because it is disrespectful to me and I will not be disrespected! I also wouldn’t allow my woman to wear attire to that would invite other men to hit on her in front in public. Short skirts, cleavage…oh no. You need to change honey!
I think you have missed a LARGE portion of what this article is trying to say. Especially see the part about “not a dictatorship.” The fact that you are going to tell your partner what they are or are not “allowed” to wear tells me this should be a wake-up call to you on how to treat someone you are in a relationship with.
I agree with American Thinker..as long as you arent an asshole about it your gf, wife, whatever she is shouldnt be dressing like a $10 hooker…and its not about him being a dictator…a WOMAN cares enough to not want to make her significant other uncomfortable…a GIRL says I don’t care his opinion…women can still look sexy and beautiful without having all their goodies hanging out
Jesus christ. Can you fucking losers stop talking about what “real” men and women do? What the fuck does that even mean? I’ll tell you. It means “a shaming tactic to get them do whatever soothes my fragile sissy little ego” in your miserable existence.
And stop adding to the bombardment of shithead “how to live your life” and “what makes a real man/woman” articles. Fuck you.
I find it funny that you would think it was in your parameters to make such a request. Most women dress in a way that make them feel beautiful and/or sexy. This is where insecurities in men get ridiculous. We like to be desired, but along with those sexy looks, we also have a mouth which can politely or rudely tell someone they need not apply. It’s called trust. If you don’t have that, you’re with the wrong woman in the first place. You telling anyone that they have to change anything about themselves in order for you to feel complete is more of a reflection on what you’re lacking then it is on them and their caring about your opinion. Take pride in the fact that your woman just walked into a club, 100 men hit on her in front of you, and each time she balked at them, she rested her eyes on you. You, my friend, have what every man wants and cannot have. Beat your chest… you have won. Go home and unwrap that sexy thing and claim your prize.
I know-for a fact from experience-when it’s the reverse, my man being hit on by tons of people and he politely refuses while making his attachment and desire for me apparent in front of the gawkers, it feels like pure BLISS. Especially when we make little inside jokes on the spot from the various ways they make their interest in him known, it’s literally an amazing feeling.
People need to loosen up. You conquer your insecurities with vulnerability, I promise you it’s one of the most powerful weapons. Allow your feelings to happen and allow your partner to handle this attention without your interruption, they are perfectly capable of taking care of it. And believe me, you would want to see how your partner treats others in situations like this. After it’s over and you two are in a more intimate setting, talk with them about how you honestly felt in that situation. Whether you were hurt or happy by their behavior, let them know. And it doesn’t have to be some huge sappy gut-spilling fest, just because you’re “sharing feelings.” Just express yourselves. It will make you stronger, and it will show you also how they consider your feelings as well. It’s an overall win win, because your partner will reveal more of themselves through this. Are they really right for you? What if they bask in the attention and flirt back? If you talk it out, you can pinpoint these kinds of things.
I once dated a really charismatic man who adored the attention he received from everyone. He wasn’t a bad guy at all, just very outgoing and that part of him made me uncomfortable because at the time, I was very reserved when it came to myself and those close to me. Instead of being honest about this, I hid my uneasiness from him until it ate at me. I began to resent him due to the influx of other feelings my secrecy had attracted. It created communication issues and even led to me avoiding him in public settings where he’d receive such attention. When I finally told him, he understood and over time he decreased this, but the damage was already done. We developed other problems from the new found communication issues and on and on. Eventually we split, and it was because of my own insecurity. Deal with your feelings and be honest and open. That’s what a “real man” does. He is just considerate and attentive, (as you should be as well) and puts forth the effort to understand and compromise wherever necessary
I’m with a very different man now, who’s very similar to me and I love him to death. As musicians, we’re always in situations like this, and it’s a bit harder on him because of his own personal growth, but we manage and get better and better each time by learning ourselves through each other. We’re also long distance for now, and that helps and hurts at the same time, because it truly tests your strength, trust, and dedication to one another. There are times where we project our insecurities upon one another, and things will seem very dark between us, but we always pull through when we’re honest and open. Vulnerability: the key, and I implore you all to consider it.
So you’re an American Thinker huh. You should be cool, calm, and collected.
HA! I like this.
Wow. Control freak. I dress sexy and classy when I go out and that usually will entail an open back dress or cleavage. There is a huge difference between slutty and sexy. If your woman doesn’t feel sexy in life then it’s going to effect her sensualness in the bedroom. Keep that in mind. Also women generally aren’t dressing sexy for other men, it’s for themself.
As if everyone is supposed to magically know that YOU are dating a particular woman. And change wardrobe? How about no. Especially while you are probably slobbering over other women still wearing short skirts and showing off their cleavage. U are obviously NOT the man they are speaking of in this aritcle, so dont make your insecurities blatant for everyone to see.
To simply put-maybe you shouldn’t pick any woman who you think would dress in a way that you would not approve of (i.e. woman who you think dress like hookers). Honestly, you really have no right to tell a women what she can or cannot wear…you could suggest. However, if she doesn’t take heed of what you are saying…it shouldn’t frazzle you. You should be able to move on and let it go. This is a part of accepting your partner as who they are-and technically you would be trying to change them…If it means that much to you…find women who don’t dress a certain way. Anyway…just remember….its hard to find people you mesh well with…Clothing is a minor issue…you might want to look at the big picture. Would you really want to cause ruckus in a relationship over something relatively small anyway?
Apparently the point of this article went over your head and somewhere over the rainbow.
From a woman’s perspective, I agree with American Thinker, and with Tom. Any woman who has self respect, and respect for her man, is going to dress accordingly. I would NEVER dress in any way that would make my significant other feel uncomfortable, not because he wouldn’t want me to, but because I wouldn’t want me to! I’d like people to respect me for my mind, not my other assets.
A real man will learn from his mistakes and false illusions. I’ve been learning and it’s been very hard. I’ve had many girlfriends of high quality and won them over through manipulation and greed. It’s been two years being single, and in these past 6 months I’ve been slowing correcting myself when approaching women. By visualizing the future, you and your lady might be perfect for each other, does two negatives make a positive relationship? http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/10-ways-to-know-your-girl-is-a-keeper/ You two also might be attending the wrong social settings, are all the men in these settings so selfish, they will hit on your lady in front of you, or are these settings perfect because you would do the same if you were single or simply not with your lady? If so, then you are doing ok, you might have just visited the wrong webpage here. (The hardest thing in life might be the discovery that your whole life is a false illusion, don’t search for reality if you don’t have the courage.-my own words, so there might not be much credibility.)
You are not the kind of man she was writing about. FYI.
Allow?… Step in? You were done in your first sentence here friend. I think you clearly according to this article haven’t made it to the “real man” status yet. Hang in there things might change for ya!
I think a great number of you missed the point. First off, if you don’t want a woman who is going to dress in short skirts and show cleavage, then don’t go after her in the first place. No one told you to go after the most inappropriate woman at the bar. Given the choice, most men gravitate towards the cleavage, rather than find the more subdued lady sitting in the corner. To tell her, after the fact, that you don’t want her dressing that way anymore is an obvious attempt to change who she is. Change who you are and you may achieve better results from your relationships.
“Would’t allow”??? Also, the article mentions making your position clear to the flirting man, implying he didn’t necessarily know before hand.
You wouldn’t allow your woman to wear something of her choosing without your approval and your talk about respect. Where is your respect the woman you claim ownership over. I wonder how you would fare in the eye of “your woman” if she were to read the article with a check list. If you are worried about her ability to say no, then perhaps she should examine her current relationship.
“wouldn’t allow” “my woman”
enough said…I think it’s an obvious you are not the good man that he’s describing.
No one said she looks like a $10 dollar hooker. You think the only reason a girl would be hit on is if she looks sexy or revealing? Notice how your mind automatically went there? Article simply states odds are she’s going to get hit on. And you do sound insecure and controlling. Exactly the man that no one wants.
My opinion is that a real woman would not WANT to attract other men, and would care about my opinions on her address, as much as I care about hers. I agree with you up to the point of “you need to change honey”. That could be worded differently, in a way that is not demanding. Lots of women have no idea how sexy they look sometimes, and would welcome the heads up that “that might be to short”, or “that may be cut too low”. Couples should hold each other accountable on this. That’s healthy.
I have two things to say in response to your post:
1. It doesn’t say anything in the article about the style of dress. If you have a lovely lady, then she could be covered from her neck to her toes and still be approached. I do agree with you that a woman who has any self-respect and respect for her man will not dress in a way that makes her man uncomfortable.
2. Unless you’re lady has on a diamond ring (which wouldn’t apply to this article as it is about dating) or a sign on her forehead that says “I’m taken” then often times she might get approached by someone who has no idea that she’s already spoken for. In which case, it would be safe to assume that he was not attempting to be disrespectful and the situation could easily be fixed by stepping in, with a cool, calm and collected demeanor and making your position known. Any disrespect after that would of course warrant more extreme measures.
So a real man wear french cuffed shirts, bow-ties, Italian cut suits, smokes cigars, drinks cognac, gets straight razor shaves and still finds time to objectify women while she poses like a stripper on the bed. Got it.
Can you show me where I said all that in the article? I can’t seem to find it.
Read between the lines. They’re called “pictures.”
I can’t tell if you’re replying to me or to Trevor – the point I’m making is that these were just randomly selected pictures that I thought looked cool. They’re in no way intended to send any sort of message, just to break up all of the text in the article.
He’s basing it on the images you chose. Great article though. The fact that they all seem obvious to me means I’m doing a good job.
Oh I know, I’m just trying to make the point that the images I choose for the articles are just that – images. They’re not supplemental to the story nor are they designed to mean anything or tell their own story. They’re just there for visual effect.
Thanks for commenting on the actual content though, glad you enjoyed it!
The images of what real men are belie your descriptions of what you write a real man should be. Real men don’t dress in expensive Italian suits all day, and spend their leisure time drinking expensive liquor and smoking cigars. I mean I do but that is because I grew up watching James Bond films and idolizing Hugh Hefner.
Take for example the picture of the woman on the bed, her legs outstretched, back and neck arched, she is meant to be seductive and attractive. She has been posed to accentuate her legs, breasts and curves while the man is faceless, a virtual piece of furniture. The entire focus of the picture is the on the woman and her assets. Which is odd because you say you want men to shift their focus from individual body parts and “talking dirty”. It is even odder when you consider that the last line above the picture says,”Be honest enough with yourself to walk away from any situation that is dangerous to you, physically or emotionally.”
As a writer you have to consider the whole page as part of your message, and not expect your readers to rely only on the body text.
Not trying to be a dick James, but it’s borderline pathetic that you think the pictures you put in an article should not be taken into account.
Pretty sure that was a joke. Time for you to be calm, cool, and collected.
Pictures are worth a thousand words and need to be carefully selected to support the point of one’s article. I had the same response as Trevor, particularly re: the woman posing on the bed, it completely contradicts the point you are trying to make in the article. Remember, the human brain works first with images. The images carry at least as much of the load of setting the reader’s experience of your article as your words.
I was about to write the same as Trevor.
The pictures don’t match the message – ESPECIALLY the ominous man, casting his shadow over the submissive and sexually available woman on the bed – under the title, ‘A real man will show you respect’.
Your piece is a bit of a miss for me for three reasons:
1. Your message has been derailed by the images you chose, as they truly show how you see ‘real men’ (images must ALWAYS be complimentary to the message)
2. Your use of the term ‘real men’ (just like ‘real women’ articles), as it pigeonholes and alienates, all at the same time.
3. I liked what you were trying to do – it’s nice to think there may be some men that fulfil *all* of that criteria – but it being a checklist for women to carry around misses the mark for me. Men like this do seem to be a rare breed. Even my husband doesn’t tick every box! And he’s real.
I have to agree with the other posters here; You picked images you thought were cool but they don’t relate to the article in a supportive way. I find the gratuitous portrayal of tobacco products as glamorous offensive. You should really think about your images before you post them.
Thanks for your feedback – I’ll choose images in the future that better support the text, rather than just random pictures without meaning that I thought looked good. I see now the misconception that comes from it.
Trevor likes picture books but could never comprehend text.
“Trevor likes picture books but could never comprehend text.”?????? Are you just now learning how to put words into a sentence? Anyways JMS, disregarding what the Walton boy said above, I appreciate/admire your sincere admission of misconceived intent and your humble willingness to adjust to the “shit ton of constructive criticism” that reads above. Unlike many women I know i do not over think relationships, including men I date, so I was catching everything you were throwing out, however I do agree with the influential amount of power that the pictures will have over the words. So again, thank you for being a mature REAL MAN and welcoming your imperfections with open arms.
STEP 11: Enjoy HOUSE MUSIC! It’s a very optimistic genre. (:
I wish more men did dress that way! It sure beats a man in a wife beater with a dip in his mouth and a bud light…gross.
I wish more women dressed and acted like these pictures portray! It sure beats sweat pants with a loose fitting sweater, gross
Please kindly return the two minutes it took me to read this article. The only way to be a “real” man is to be real. And that means “authentic.”
If you provide your receipt I’d be happy to refund you for your time. Thanks!
You’re awesome James. There are so many trolls around here, geez! Keep up the good work. This article was straight to the point, not patriarchal-sounding and a great reminder. Thanks.
James, you aren’t a real man.
According to the points in this article, I am.
Thanks for reading!
according to your own article on your own wordpress blog. the internet is really going down hill – a vague list that ‘men’ can get behind.
How do you feel about men who are in sexually active relationships that watch pornography on a regular basis?
All men ever.
James….I have found over time that men who take offense to that kind of article are most often the perpetrators of unacceptable behavior in a relationship. They get offended, and defensive because they see themselves in your words and are in total denial. I live with a man who is the complete opposite of your article. It makes for a heart wrenching, emotional hell to live in. In the end…I’m the one who feels like an empty shell. I wish I could find someone who you describe as being the gentleman. He doesn’t need to be perfect, as nobody is….just….perfect for me. *sigh* facebook.com/misstwisties
Leave him. Time is precious.
My thoughts exactly. Why wait for someone else? No ” Real Man” will get involved with you whiile you have another.
Nice article! Sadly most college girls(Im a senior in college) seem to be interested in the complete opposite of what you’ve written :(.
That changes with time Andrew….when “real” life comes around for those girls….they find out what’s important for day-to-day life and to be happy, and the way their S.O. acts/treats them makes a huge part of that. Unfortunately that lesson usually needs to be learned the hard way.
Every woman I know, regardless of age, wants a man like this. However, both me and my friends have chosen guys that were the opposite several times. But that was not because we wanted the opposite, it was because the guy PRETENDED to be all the things in the article.
A real man gives and receives the Bop. The most important one James.
I like this article very much. Maybe the photos were not the best choice for this article but great list anyway. How funny that some of the comments (“I wouldn’t allow my woman to wear . . .” ) show there are still a few Henry VIII types out there. And French Cuffs are nice on a guy – nothing wrong with good taste and style. Pair that with a polite charming man and he is a keeper.
this is awesome(:
Kudos for not making any of these about some cultural gender machismo standard. It’s a list that treats both genders equally (at least, as I could tell from an initial read-through), and that’s awesome. The only one I might take a teensy bit of exception to is the one about a man being calm and cool. While I agree that a good man will not have a short fuse (especially with his partner) or be dramatically overreactive to every little thing, as someone who is emotionally wired, I find it difficult to expect anyone to have to be calm and cool. Logical–yes. Reasonable–yes. But the moments I’ve respected my father (biologically my grandfather, the father of my mom who died when I was nine and she was 26) the most have been when he’s been authentic about his grief in losing his only biological child.
So, maybe a better way to state it would be that a real man is able to achieve emotional balance and a healthy combination of thinking and feeling?
What can I say? I’m an INFP, 80% feeling. 🙂 I do make a conscious effort to draw out my logic more, but again, it’s all about balance.
Oh, and especially thank you for the first item on the list. I’m 30, have never been in a relationship, and a big part of that is because the guys who have shown interest (and who I’ve been initially attracted to as well) beyond a couple of exchanges have been entirely obsessed with my breasts. It’s ridiculous. It’s one thing for a guy to appreciate what I look like–it’s another when that’s all he talks about when it comes to me. I have curves, yes. These curves are also murder on my back and spine. If I lost them tomorrow, I don’t think I’d feel more than a twinge of loss.
Aaaaand I’ve pretty much just posted a blog entry/rant as a comment here. Sorry about that. 🙂
Now that I reread the calm, cool, and collected point, I remember that it’s primarily to do with jealousy. Stop reading too fast, Niki!
James, Great article. I too strive, yet often fail, to live up to principles such as these. I would say that I adhere to most of them, most of the time, and always try to improve. It is important that we have these types of discussions and set standards for how we ought to behave. One of my great faults, and one that I am currently working on, is taking criticism gracefully and with patience. I’ve read through allot of these comments and am astounded at the number of off-point, rude, and completely asinine responses. So coming from someone who is currently striving for, and working on, better methods in the face of criticism, I commend you on your consistently patient and polite responses to people. I also find it a bit amusing that regardless of how idiotic the responses are, you continue to take the high road and model the very principles outlined in your article. It takes a good man to do that. Good work, keep it up. Not everyone can be patient with people who get their male role modeling from Jersey Shore, and are incapable recognizing when they are using logical fallacies (Ad Hominem, and Red Herring are the favorites of your readers). A real man IS a man who stands up and advocates for what’s right, greater tolerance, and better ways to treat each other. Then models those ways for his family, friends, and community. What a “Real Man” is, is a debate that has carried on for quite some time, and should continue to evolve, and should be something every male is willing to discuss. It can be intimidating to realize that maybe you have something to improve, but we all do, and it’s important that we grow up, get over ourselves and try to become better people. It’s important for the kids we influence, to the people around us, and the relationships we hold. And yes, it is extremely important if you want to have a successful loving relationship.
Great column. As a woman who is very independent and ambitious, and who has married a man who is decidedly less secure, you are spot on James. It has taken me 12 years to understand that many of these points are VERY important points for a relationship to be a good fit, no matter how much “love” there is. Points 2, 3, 6,7, and 10, unfortunately, really resonate with me.
For the gentlemen fixating on technicalities of the photos… you are letting your insecurities keep you from focusing on the right things. Learn how your woman thinks, and you won’t be sorry. Trust me.
So I guess I am finally a real man? Is this how pinocchio felt?
The honesty one is key! I can’t stress enough how important it is for a man (and woman) to be honest to their sig oth’s. I’ve been ins pseudo-relationships where the guy was either to afraid to be honest bc I would either get angry or they wanted to spare my feelings, or just didn’t want to feel like a douche. I find this infantalizing. I am a grown woman and not only do I not need you to protect me, but I can can handle whatever it is that you need to say. Anyways. Good article.
[…] http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/11/06/10-ways-to-know-youre-dating-a-real-man/ […]
I can clearly see who the people are with relationship & or security issues just by the idiot replies by the few about a good artical.
Great post, it shows women what to look for and men what to strive for. The other day I stumbled on a website called return of kings, a self proclaimed site for ‘manly’ men. Just about every post was about, controlling, shaming, and using women; the antithesis of what real manliness is all about. It was sickening, but it’s good to see something like this after that crap.
where are the real men? I haven’t seen one yet!
Laura trust me. We are out there!
Why does this list only apply to men? Aren’t the qualities everyone should aspire to, regardless of gender?
Great article… Reminds me of my boyfriend! Hmm… Everyone has their flaws but he has great qualities you spoke about too! 🙂 feeling happy!
“If every man could just mend one man (I.e. himself), then every man would be mended” nice post, I think it touched upon some points that women should be aware of, and men should apply.. I think the criticism of the photos are fair as there is a cognitive dissonance between the messages and photos whether however unconcious. Everyone has some homework to do. Lets try to be the best we can be in this short time we have called life. “Then you will return to Your Lord and He will ask you about that which you used to do”
you can try to adopt some of these things but if it doesn’t flow from within, girls feel it. They have a 6th sense for it.
My top traits that I can think of right now:
Being a guy with high self–esteem. nobody can like you more than you like yourself. Tons of components to this though…how you think of the past, yourself, how congruent your values are with their actions. (like not pretending to find a racist joke funny, just because it’s a hot chick telling it).
Someone who has a sense of vision and is uncompromising. Guys like that just draw people to them, and are usually natural leaders, because they really know who they are and what they stand for. Because they have high value, they have lots of options, so they’re comfortable saying no and establishing boundaries.
You have hobbies and passions, and a woman is never the center of your reality. No woman wants to be the most important thing in your life anyway. They’d rather be part of the adventure, not the adventure (forget who said that, I think Deida).
Strong desire to make the world a better place somehow. What’s your gift to the world? What’s your mission? If you have this kind of passion, it’s very attractive. (as long as it’s real). This presupposes you’ve got high integrity.
Being a leader of other men. (not something that happens overnight…takes experience). Inevitably women gravitate towards this kinda guy, because of the qualities it requires, and because of how it plays out it social settings. If guys are treating you like a leader, or being even slightly deferential, girls notice this.
This follows with:
People associate you with positive, fun, good times. You’re in the know about what’s going on…you make the fun happen. This can take work, and might not always be a priority, but it does get easier for someone comfortable as a leader.
Same as the article says, and related to leadership:
You’re assertive and even authoritative at times. Maybe not Mike Walhberg in the Departed 24/7, but you can be that way if need be. This can be out of your comfort zone, and you might even associate it as a bad thing. Takes work, but it’s important to be able to do.
You surround yourself with other awesome people. You choose people that have traits that you cultivate…and phase out those whose habits can hold you back. “youre the sum of the 5 people you hang around the most”…Forget who said this too but they’re damn right. You might not be the leader right away as you find people you look up to, but you can learn a ton and pick up on good habits. It may suck to hear, but you truly have to stop hanging out with your loser friends (if you want to develop).
Physical health. Also being aware of personal style.
Mental health. Someone who absorbs good info and is open to it. Not clouded with bias. Has a rational mind.
But again it’s more of a journey. You can’t just flip a switch or read books…you have to learn, get uncomfortable, apply, get feed back, learn, repeat
I have to say “being a leader of other men” and being “uncompromising” are two things I try and avoid in a man! I didn’t get that out of the article at all. I would much rather be with a modest, kind, easy-going man since “leader” types like things their way and tend to be very difficult, rigid, and hard to get along with (“uncompromising”). But perhaps we are thinking of these terms in different ways?
I’m confused as to what you mean by “nobody can like you more than you like yourself.” I agree that self-esteem and being content with one’s self is important and confidence is nice (if they aren’t TOO confident!). But people who really like themselves tend to be annoying, self-centered and obnoxious. I think modesty and having insecurities like everyone else is really what makes people much more likeable and interesting in the long run (at least to me). But perhaps I’m getting hung up on the “high” self esteem and thinking of it as “over confidence” rather than just being confident in one’s abilities which is perhaps what you mean.
After spending a long time with someone who would say “I’m not mean I’m honest.” Or “I’m not full of myself I’m confident.” And who would constantly remind you just how “awesome” they were, perhaps I’m a little over sensitive to “high confidence” and tend to demonize it :p.
Heya…neat blog you have there.
And yea I was just writing these without thinking too much about elaboration or word choice. What I meant by “uncompromising” is with their values. So I’m a pretty low-key guy most of the time…but you can still be that way and establish boundaries. LIke I really dont’ associate with people who do drugs all the time, or bigots. I was with a girl for a while, as an example, and she had an issue with one of our temp hires because she was bixesual. I didn’t see an issue at all but because of how she was raised, and her religious beliefs, it became this 3 hour argument. That’s not something I’ll compromise on and I decided I couldn’t be with her. (there were other issues and things we butted heads with on the way)…but I realized if I compromised there, there’d just be one thing after another that would come up in the future.
As far as being a leader of other men…this is something that I just base on my own experience…as you go along the journey of self-improvement you learn a lot of things that make leadership more natural. I don’t mean egotistical….but just someone because of their experiences, healthy mindset, total comfort in their own skin…someone who embodies all these things will have a natural gravity to them. Guys like that, who set boundaries and are comfortable saying no, usually have no problem gaining respect. It’s just how guys interact…there’s usually an alpha male, or maybe a few, that the others respond to,…not because he’s intending to lead, just because of his leadership traits. Very often they don’t even realize it…there’s a lot of psychology in it I’m sure. So maybe I should say it’s an effect of embodying these traits….not a trait a guy need strive for.
It’s why we have actors and coaches, charismatic people who do so well in elections. Vince lombardi was urged to run for election a lot, but he knew it wasn’t his calling, so he stuck with coaching. And yeah I don’t mean cocky, as in people who derive their value from the things an people around them. I think we agree on what a true healthy self-esteem looks like 🙂
There will always be fears, but at this point, this type of person is constantly looking for the next challenge. I don’t know very many people who are successful that just kick back and go on vacations…they keep working and challenging themselves. I’ve always agreed with the sentiment that courage isn’t absence of fear, but mastery of it…knowing that “something else is more important than fear”.
Guys who have “confidence” but come off cocky, usually seem polarized to me. They may have values but their actions and way of expressing themselves aren’t congruent. I think it’s just a maturation…but one that takes a commitment to. I know guys who are trying to take on new confident behaviors will often act like this, and overcompensate to make up for their insecurities, which is what I mean by polarized, as opposed to the well-rounded idea of the type of slid, established and healthy self-esteem that people respect. Sometimes you just meet people at the wrong time I find, as they’re still working out the kinks…others are just content being dicks their whole lives =p
I enjoyed your reply…thanks for pointing those things out
Thanks for checking out my blog 🙂 And for the thought out reply. I think I was being a bit sensitive to word choice it’s clear now that we are on the same page.
I suppose “uncompromising” is a tough word to wrap my head around in this situation. I can see what you mean now in that you wanted to uphold your values (I also would find it difficult to be with someone who was un-accepting of other people). At the same time she is being uncompromising in upholding her ‘values.’ But that isn’t necessarily a good thing :p. I think it’s important to be able to try and see another person’s point of view; especially if they are someone you really love. But ultimately I think it’s about being with someone who is really compatible with you so that hopefully you hold the same beliefs on the bigger issues and can compromise on the smaller things. Learning to compromise is such an important trait in a relationship.
But as I said I can tell that we mean the very same thing just in slightly different words. Thanks again for the reply :).
Oh, I forgot to add that I highly agree with your point about a strong desire to make the world a better place. Now that is something that is certainly attractive in a man :).
A friend shared this on fb. Very good article, thank you. Right on the money about respect, insecurities, manipulation, trust and all other points. I’d also add that a real man will always protect and stand up for his lady and other significant people in his life. I have seen a so called “man” cowardly hiding somewhere in the corner while the lady is left to defend herself and act like a man. Worse yet, he’s standing right besides her and she’s left to defend herself because he doesn’t have the guts to even speak up. And it’s not always his other half, I’ve seen the same situation with mothers, sisters, children. Appalling to say the least. It’s the courage and honour that sets apart a male from a gentleman.
I’m so sick of this “Real men” “real women” shit. You’re a real man if you have a set of balls, a penis, and a Y chromosome.
TheOne, why are you so defensive? The article must have hit a nerve?If you don’t agree with the author, at least don’t insult his efforts for expressing his sentiments. An effort to strive for an ideal is a good start to make the world a better place. This is what the article is pointing to. Real man is not a male species born with male sexual organs as you so rudely expressed. Just because someone is born with certain sexual organs doesn’t make them a Man or a Woman. It takes manners, etiquette, self-education, respect, kindness and courage to be a Real Man, a Gentleman or a Real Woman, a Lady.
I am getting sick or reading articles about what a “real” man or woman is/does. I understand what you’re trying to say, but you picked a poor way of saying it. A “real man” is a human being that was born with male genitalia. That should be the only definition of what makes a “real man,” not personality or a response to given stimuli. For more information, please read up on the ‘No true Scotsman’ fallacy.
Annamorphos, I regret to inform you that you that you and your buddy (TheOne) are horribly confused. Let me explain. Everyone here, including the author of this blog, and most human beings do understand what a male/man is. That semantic concept was established probably 45,000-50,000 years ago. We get it, men have ding-a-lings, and women don’t. No need to re-hash this one. Now, this article is about a entirely different more abstract semantic concept. The phrase “real man” is generally accepted to refer to a long standing discussion of how men ought to behave, what moral standards they ought to uphold, and what are our responsibilities to our families and communities. This is a conversation that has carried on for probably a few thousand years or so. You can find various forms of this discussion in most cultures and many works of philosophy. It is a very subjective concept with no determinate definition. People disagree about what a “real Man” is and that’s fine. That’s what this article is about, an attempt to define some principles, in relation to intimate relationships, of how a “real man” ought to behave towards his significant other. Now you may not be either inclined, or willing to engage in this conversation, maybe it feels intimidating, that’s your prerogative, but you should at least recognize the importance of this discussion. So, since “real man” is the concept under discussion and not “man” the ‘No true Scotsman’ fallacy doesn’t apply here. It’s an abstract idea open for discussion, so to make a claim about what a true “real man” is, is exactly the point. Though, since you mischaracterized the point and purpose of the article and then attacked that mischaracterized version, you did actually commit a logical fallacy. For more information, please read up on the ‘Re Herring’ fallacy.
Also ‘Straw man fallacy’. I think you kind of doubled up there.
Although the concept of a “real” man being described in the article is abstract and not literal, it still does state specifically what a man is/should be. How exactly is that a conversation and open for discussion? The premise of this article is to TELL a man how to be and impose a particular dogmatic view. I don’t think that because someone disagrees with such a narrow view, they don’t understand the importance of the article. They just disagree and we should all have the prerogative to disagree, just as you have to agree with what’s being stated, no?
It seems in your defense that you may have missed the point and purpose of the opinion of the previous statement, which I interpreted as there should not be any “discussions” on how anyone really should be despite this happening in cultures for centuries. I agree with the previous commenter in that it is ridiculous to impose one view on what a real man is. There are many views and the choice of word “real man” implies that those other views of what a real man is do not count, are not acceptable, do not fit into the many great descriptions of what a “real” man is/can be. Thus this is not exactly a discussion. It is a doctrine, which doesn’t fly with everyone (not I especially). I agree with lots of points in the article, but I only follow the doctrine of live and let live and not judge others. And boy, can you believe how surprisingly hard that is to do? Very hard. Very very hard.
I agree with most of the article, and find it annoying that some people think they should be able to tell their partner what to wear. Sure you can suggest things you like on them but they should ultimately wear what makes them feel good about themselves. Especially when they are on YOUR arm! Sure you might not want your girl showing some cleavage if she’s going to your conservative parents’ for dinner or something but if it’s the two of you going out for a night on the town what does it matter?
I once bought this adorable little dress that was on the short side and my boyfriend (at the time) told me he didn’t want me to wear it. So I didn’t wear this dress that I absolutely adored and spent my hard earned money on for over a year. When we were going out to a club for New Years I figured I would wear it then since we would be going together and it’s not like anyone would be hitting on me since I’d be with him the whole time (not to mention I only ever had eyes for him anyway).
I put it on and he did his whole “you’re not wearing that are you?” and when I asked why he didn’t want me to wear it he said “because it’s ugly.” The whole time I had not been wearing this dress I loved because I thought he found it inappropriate, was really just because he thought it was “ugly” and I believe, just liked the idea of being able to control me. He went so far as to say he would not have sex with me if I wore it. And basically said he wouldn’t stop commenting on it all night if I wore it.
I’m happy to not be in that relationship anymore and the wonderful man I have now would never treat me like that. He makes me feel good about myself in every way, and thinks I look great in everything (including my sexy little dress). I just love him 🙂
Also, @ Sarah ^ you are so right. Some of us need to learn the hard way how a real man treats a lady and we end up dating some real pieces of work… but at least it really makes you appreciate when you’ve found yourself a good one! 🙂
So, I totally agree with all 10 items on this list. I just have yet to meet one man who encompasses everything. Where are they?
Does anyone know who the guy is in the first pic with the tattoos?
If you are looking for a man this article is describing they walk past you everyday without trying to make a move. They do not care what you think of them and will certainly never tell you the don’t care. On the surface most women don’t want these men and instead fall for those who act dominant or manipulated. You will only find a man like this when you stop placing importance on sex. These men will not try to fix you and will simply avoid you if you try to incorporate them into your dramas. They may seem perfect but face it, unless you’re as loyal, understanding and independent as they are you don’t stand a chance with one. These men appreciate beauty but cannot be controlled by it.
If you have to tell your GF or wife not to wear this or that. They are not on your level to start with. Move up to someone that understands standards.
In my life I am calling the shots for my life. If you want to be a part of my life, then accept that you are part of MY life. I am not joining your life. I will love you, respect you and take care of you. However I am the captain my ship and I am solely responsible for it, Plain and simple. If you are still in the elementary school of relationships you will not understand this and you will be quite irritated by it. Real men have zero tolerance for drama and silly games little girls play. This is a post for the real men who might need a correction of direction. Gentlemen don’t waste your time because this is the only thing you cannot replace in this life.
Real men don’t allow others to define for him what a real man is.
The term “real man” is shaming language designed to bully men into doing or being something that is against their best interest and is usually uttered by someone who has something to gain from his servitude or destruction.
A real man is every man who was ever born. If you live your life as a male and you experience the struggles and bigotries that men experience then you are a real man.
No one has a right to devalue you or dehumanize you by claiming you aren’t a real man because you don’t fit some slave definition they made up to get what they want.
I agree completely. I think there is too much of an emphasis on gender roles and stereotypes in our culture. There are too many articles on how-to-be. It’s really artificial and the truth of the matter is that there really is no one way.
The description of a “real” man in this article is great for the author who wrote it and I think it’s wonderful that this is who he wants to be. However, I am learning each day just how important it is to not judge others for their choices and impose my views on them concerning themselves and their lives. We can only be ourselves, for better or for worse and make choices towards improvement that are according to our own development. I try to live by that example as my own man.
Stop wasting people’s time and filling their minds’ with crap!
Wow a male wrote this article? Is this your way of charming women? Your either extremely whipped or extremely homosexual. Grow some balls. If YOU were a real man you would’ve never written this. A real man should knock you out. All this is is a female’s idea of a “dream man.”
my father is exactly how he describe a real man to be and he has been married to my mother for 30 yrs….these men exist! you are clearly not a real man and hence you can’t seem to understand these points!
My man meets nearly every point on this list. He is also extremely attractive and literally (LITERALLY) the most physically in shape, strongest man I have ever met. He could destroy any other guy I’ve ever met (ever. literally every single other male I’ve known) in a fight but he would never instigate that sort of scenario. He is nonviolent and non-confrontational by choice, unless given a reason. THAT is sexy, manly, and mature. Acting tough doesn’t make you a man–and acting tough does not mean you actually are tough. A real man could and, frankly, should knock you out–but because these guys are real men, they don’t waste their time and energy with pussies like you.
THIS IS THE BEST ARTICLE I EVER READ! and to the asshole who comment before me my father is exactly how he describe a real man to be and he has been married to my mother for 30 yrs….these men exist! you are clearly not a real man and hence you can’t seem to understand these points!
Why is a mans happiness a reward? That makes no sense. If I’m working all day and she’s at home she’d better be doing things to make me happy cuz I’m payin her bills! And make her a priority? I already have enough priorities in my life like work and my band, I don’t need another one. If I am able to spend one hour a week with her, she better be happy I chose to spend it with her.
This entire article is just another way for the media to control and manipulate men as they do to women. I am not a slave, I do not do what I am told, I do not think what I am told to think, I am my own man and no woman will control me as I do not seek to control a woman.
WOW! I’m thinking that a lot of you self-professed men read the title of this blog and allowed your insecurities to take over from there. I like my men to READ. Drummer man, it appears that you have “99 problems and a Bitch ain’t one”.
How about this: A Real Man Isn’t Perfect.
Just imagine an article about what made a “real” woman that had the kinds of requirements in this one. People would be outraged. Men are allowed to make mistakes, to be insecure at times, to not be James friggin’ Bond at every moment. Yes, all that’s listed here is good, but there are millions of men (and women) who can’t meet these standards all the time. Learn that, and you’ll more quickly find yourself in a real relationship with a real person in the real world. Hold out for someone who meets all the criteria perfectly, and you’ll wind up frustrated and alone. Our peccadilloes make us interesting. When we realize that, we allow ourselves to be truly happy.
(apologies if this posted twice. the comment system seems squirrely)
You also say real men won’t play head games? Are you serious? What about the head games women play… Leave a sock in the corner to see how it takes you to pick it up, asks ” does this make me look fat” and flips out at what ever answer you give, oh and the forbidding of hanging out with certain friends because they’re a bad influence. Dude you’re just as bad as the women who buy and wear makeup because cover girl says they won’t look beautiful unless they do or starve them selves because of how media displays woman’s fashion. Shrinking of sizes from a large being 16″ waist to a large 10″ waist. Look at European sizes then American sizes. You men are womanizers? Women are the largest womanizers for the phase ” I’m too fat “. Men didn’t tell you that, media did!
Hey firsttimecaller the men described in this post are non existent. Show me a woman of same standards from 50’s and 60’s who stay at home and look after the house and make sure everything is perfect for the man, so when he comes homes from bustin balls all day at work to pay the bills he can spend that remainder of the day with her and relax and possibly fuck her brains out as she pleases. But that just doesn’t exist anymore.
These rantings of yours (i.e. The sock in the corner) lead me to believe that you have had some pretty bad relationships in the past. Perhaps the reasons for your failure in the relationship department have more to do with your selfish tendencies, rather than the issues you seem to have with this blog piece. Whatever your issues, these men do still exist. Unfortunately, you are not one of them. This might have a lot to do with your inner hatred of the female species. Yeah…most of us should just be satisfied with an angry, going-nowhere kind of man who feels that he’s doing us a favor when he finds a few seconds, at the end of his day, to “fuck our brains out.” Thank you for enlightening us.
Thanks for sharing! I think your article brings up a lot of great points; trust is an essential part of a healthy relationship as well as having interests and goals outside of the relationship. However, I think most (if not all) of these qualities can be applied to women too. Instead of an article about “real men”, I think a better title would’ve been “how to be a better partner”–or something more gender neutral since just about everyone can learn something about themselves from this article 🙂
More like a perfect man
A real man doesn’t needlessly disrespect other men either. A relationship is a two-way street.
Out of curiousty drummer man. I think the cost of living is now so high it takes two people to make a middle class lifestyle.
That’s why you have high divorse rate.
Who is the girl with Ryan Reynolds?
all this is applicable to both men and women you can, replace “real man” with “good person” or if you like to target women specifically you could use “good women” because the “realism” or “goodness” of a woman in a relationships seems to be a topic everyone forgets, plus a select few tend to guide that convo into a discussion about sexism. healthy relationships and true gender equality are interesting issues sorry for rant just my opinion i did like the read though
girlfriend says I got all ten. except I look like a boy compared to the real men in those pictures.
A real man would own a real website. A real man would have stayed in whatever community college instead of making another internet top 10 list.
A real man who doesn’t like internet top 10 lists wouldn’t be sitting online leaving ugly replies on a top 10 list. A real man has respect for others and their opinions and is able to respond to others opinions in a better way than to mock them behind a computer screen, period.
Well i feel the points we were informative. I honestly feel that alot if people on here have stated their opinion (which they are entitled to) an i feel that alot of people have based their answers off of emotion an it should be based off of principle. No on is in control tou work as a team. If you strive to do what your partner needs instead of what you want you will definitely habe healthy relationship. And if you first and foremost have trust you shouldnt worry about the next man because while hes fantasizing at then end if the night shes going home to you
This is what women want in theory but this is not the type of man they go after. Ever.
Thank you Mr. Sama for elevating the discussion on human relationships. It is good advice for the boys and men among us.
Thanks for your feedback Greg!
Whether people love or hate the content of the article – it does spark discussion about what being a ‘real man’ or a ‘good man’ means, as you’ve pointed out – which is a discussion that needs to be had, I believe.
Thank you Doctor. But, is it serious?
A real man is brutish and virile in his most primal sense. This article speaks not of a real man, but a civilized man governed by the principles of the feminest movement. Don’t confuse the two.
False. You are confusing the feminized man with qualities of a real gentleman. The above traits are all traits of a gentlemen, ie, respectful, confident, honest. Gentlemen are never brutish towards a woman. A man can be a real men (protector, provider, leader) without acting like an animal or being a feminized men.
What does feminism have to do with being a civilized man? Last time I checked, feminism (especially of the tumblr kind) was all about female superiority and male subjugation and shaming.
Lest you fill good men with claptrap, while I agree with all points above, you don’t need to believe in the (flawed) tenets of feminism to become someone worthy of being with a woman. Empathy and maturity, along with love should make a good partner.
Chipper, you nailed this like a surgeon with an x acto knife!
principles of the Feminist movement include equal rights, respect, and dignity etc for everyone not just women. This basic idea is borne from the early feminist that felt disenfranchised because they acknowledged the disparity between the genders and created a movement that would serve NOT ONLY themselves but EVERYONE. A brutish virile man in the primal sense? What the fuck is that? Is it a man swingin his hard cock everywhere he goes, poking women in the ass with it at Starbucks and laughing about it like a pirate??? “BITCH FUCK ME NOW, ARGH AR ARHHHH!!!”…Or is just a teenage minded squid acting tough and arrogant but when it came down to it would probably run and cower in fear at the thought of confrontation.
I understand where you were going with that, but I completely disagree with the idea of this “civilized man” coming from the feminize movement. I also wouldn’t call this man a “civilized man”
This man is a man who is confident in who he is amd doesn’t feel the need to prove it to anyone. He understands empathy, compassion, and humility. He knows when to be a brute, and when to be a nurturer. The man you describe is only one part of what being a man is, and this is why we confuse the difference between a man and a gorilla. Because society doesn’t teach us that there are many parts to being a man. Not just aggressiveness or gentleness, humility or pride, etc.
Thank you Samanfor this article, very good!
The pictures that accompany your article are a complete contradiction to your article (or parts of it). As for they all deal with looks, beauty, or are sexual in nature . . .
Our not are. I bet your a fat slob! Go to the gym you fat slob!
Nathan used the word are correctly. As for your grammar, you used the wrong your after fat slob (you’re* a fat slob!) 😉
*you’re… not “your”
Why so angry Chris?
“or are sexual in nature . . .” *or our sexuality of nature. I think that is what that sentence was trying to say. I have no idea though, looks like the author of that note needs to go back to pre-school! 🙂
Um…no. He was saying the images are sexual in nature. Is it that hard to comprehend the English language?
ahh…I was thinking the same thing!! I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed!!
well maybe a real man does all those things but please take that picture of brad and Angelina off their, cause he was disrespecting his wife, Jennifer, when they were filming that movie!
“A real man values more than just your looks.”
No. If a real man is seeking a relationship then your looks become one of numerous priorities.
“A real man will never be intimidated by your motivation.”
Being ‘intimidated by motivation’ is just a phrase people drag out when a man doesnt pander to a woman voicing her ego.
“A real man will have more interests than just you.”
Unless youre his goal at that snapshot in time.
“A real man will give you answers.”
I cant really think of anyone who wont do this unless the subject is deeply personal. In which case, its not the other persons business.
“A real man is direct.”
Sort of true. But mind games are more direct than the direct approach.
“A real man will trust you.”
Trust is earnt.
“A real man is cool, calm, and collected.”
No. You dont get to decide what personality traits a ‘real man’ has. You dont get to decide that in order for me to be a real man, i need to be cool all the time. Or calm. Or collected. Only im allowed to define me, you bigot.
“A real man will show you respect.”
Respect is earnt.
“A real man will put effort into your relationship.”
It is not a mans responsibility to pander to a womans whims. A man can put effort into a relationship if the reward is, in his individual eyes, worthwhile.
“A real man will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.”
Why are you being so critical of his post on this? I think it’s a great post, and I think that more people need to be positive towards each other rather than finding all the negatives. I think that more women need to know that there are REAL MEN out there that act just like he is describing here. I also think that more REAL MEN need to be given respect and shown that Women do appreciate them being REAL, LOVING MEN. jmo
Every part of the article is way too biased or subjective to the female’s favor! I agree with him. A real man is attracted with the woman’s looks bec. scientifically speaking men look for partners that can provide healthy offsprings, and its our cells that activate not just our minds when we see pretty girls!
Seeing as you can’t even use proper grammar, your opinion is clearly uneducated. Please, use spell check, and grow up. This article makes excellent points. YOU are the bigot, not to mention a coward. Clearly you don;t know the first thing about how to treat a woman.
Typical ad hominem response. Try harder.
Practice what you preach!
“‘A real man values more than just your looks.’
No. If a real man is seeking a relationship then your looks become one of numerous priorities.”
These are not mutually exclusive. Saying that a man values more than JUST looks does not mean he doesn’t value looks.
“’A real man will never be intimidated by your motivation.’
Being ‘intimidated by motivation’ is just a phrase people drag out when a man doesnt pander to a woman voicing her ego.”
This logic is simply flawed. There are those who want to be the “power” person in the relationship. These people don’t want you to go to school, further your career or in some cases even put on makeup or dress well. While people CAN say “intimidated by motivation” to refer to what you’re saying, they are using the phrase incorrectly. That doesn’t negate the point.
“’A real man will put effort into your relationship.’
It is not a mans responsibility to pander to a womans whims. A man can put effort into a relationship if the reward is, in his individual eyes, worthwhile.”
These aren’t fully related.
Most of your responses don’t really address the sentence at hand properly. Some of your concerns, however, are valid. The problem is that any article such as this that speaks generally cannot allow for individualism. I know “men” who do not fit into ALL of these. Plenty depends on the individual person AND the relationship between the two people. I don’t think that means this article is without merit.
Well put, Kelli
Totally in agreement. I also think this article has merit, but in my criticism, the underlying premise is troubling. It excludes the many facets that make up men, as well as how and who they should be in a relationship. There is no one “real man” or person for that matter. A great philosopher once said that we are not one but many things. Maybe we should not have fixed models to aspire to all the time. This is part of the problem with the modeling industry and with our celebrity-media driven culture in general, in that it is artificial and enforces an unrealistic model for how to be, which then emerges our insecurities which become tied to that model because we don’t ever really measure up.
Self improvement is important but it does not have to be achieved through idealized doctrines on how-to-be. Let’s learn to examine ourselves individually and the relationship that works for us individually. It’s so much better to give advice to a couple based on their individual needs instead of showing them “how it’s done”.
With that said, there are great points here in the flawed overall message.
Man, I feel really, really bad for you.
I see points from both sides here, See. the issue about relationships is that it needs to be an effort from both sides. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the girl or the boy. If one side doesn’t put in the effort, the relationship will not last.
Quote: “a real man will show you respect” “Respect is earnt”
True/Untrue. No matter what you are, basic respect must be shown. However, it is up to the recipient of said “respect” whether they want to abuse it or not. Treasuring it brings you more respect, abusing it loses it.
Same thing goes for trust. This works both ways.
Quote: “A real man values more than just your looks.”
No. If a real man is seeking a relationship then your looks become one of numerous priorities.
The author here means that he wont focus solely on your looks. Sure, looks come into play but it should not take top priority over the inner beauty. If a person has a rotten heart, no amount of material beauty will get them anywhere. (Both genders included)
Conflicts will always exist in relationships. The important point is resolving the conflict. There is no relationship in the world that exist without an argument here or there.
To all you lovely people reading this, I wish you the best of luck in finding your partner, hopefully my own as well.
I for one, wish I’d find a man with half of these qualities. Many have told me over the years they’d be honored to have me as a wife. Problem is, I’m already married. I am however in an abusive relationship where there is no respect, affection, love, complicity, friendship, etc. And I, in return have been battling for 15 years to give him all of it. I’m a good cook, baker, I am fun, I take good care of our home (inside and out) and children, I own my own studio as a massage therapist, I take good care of myself, the way I present myself and I am often told I am a beautiful person inside and out. What do I get in return…cruel words. I am nothing to him, it seems. The pain I feel inside is unbearable. Don’t give me “the speech” about leaving. I want to. But it’s complicated. Anyway….all that is said because I KNOW that the desirable qualities stated by James are important, I know because I love every single day with a man who has none of those qualities. If I had someone in my life with even half of those qualities, it would be a dream.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/earnt — “The word you’ve entered isn’t in the dictionary.”
If you’ve condescended enough to let a woman date your obviously awesome self, hopefully she’s “earnt” your trust and respect by that point.
Don’t worry, someday you might even grow up, and decide to improve yourself instead of making excuses for your self-absorbed behavior. Until then, good luck uh, tearing up that pussy or whatever.
“A real man values more than just your looks.”
No. If a real man is seeking a relationship then your looks become one of numerous priorities.
You just restated what he did differently.
“A real man is direct.”
Sort of true. But mind games are more direct than the direct approach.
Mind games are not direct, their games that a person plays underhandedly.
“A real man will show you respect.”
Respect is earnt.
There is two types of respect, “Common Respect that we need to give to all, and “Earned Respect”
“A real man will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.”
It is not impossible. A man or woman can make you want to be the best person version without changing who you are. You will make the changes in yourself, because someone believes in you.
And you are an absolute loser!
“relationship” and “woman” are not synonymous, nor are the interchangeable.
““A real man values more than just your looks.”
No. If a real man is seeking a relationship then your looks become one of numerous priorities.” <– you literally just restated what he wrote in different words. that is what you did.
nor are they*
Women are too stupid to identify real man…
Pretty sexist statement @Suka Pantat, but I would like to say that of all my observations of women, they do tend to pick the least logical/mature male option when given the choice. The nice guy often gets left behind even if he has all of the qualities discussed above. I think it’s because women like to have something to complain about with their friends. 🙂
His username means “loves ass”, so generally I wouldn’t pay too much attention to what he’s saying at all…
Uhmm… Excuse me for breaking up your little Mr Purrrrfect fantasy there, but women will NEVER find all that in a man if they aren’t be able to match all that she’s looking for.
Let’s keep it REAL!
The article mentions “dating” which implies we’re talking about a man and woman (not necessarily though) having a relationship.
Big words like VALUE, RESPECT, TRUST are thrown around without a single mentioning of there anything needing to be MUTUAL.
In ANY healthy relationship (where one can sense LOVE), whether it’s between family members, friends, you and your car, you and your hobby, or whatever, can only “work out” when the feelings and intentions are MUTUAL.
Start with the basics i.e. MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING. Without a strong foundation based on this, there is no dating, not even the chance to comfortably chat.
After you have confirmed that there is a mutual understanding in your relationship, you can then start to build your relationship further by adding MUTUAL SUPPORT. No mutual understanding means no mutual support though, so keep that foundation strong. Communication is the key there.
Then, if you keep this up for a while (understanding and supporting each other), almost automatically a third layer will be built onto your relationship’s foundation. It’s called TRUST. Remember – this TOO should be MUTUAL, in order for your relationship to grow further and eventually succeed.
Once you’ve come this far, do NOT FUCK AROUND with the MUTUAL TRUST you’ve acquired so far. You’ve both come a long way, so mistrust will move you back to the drawing board e.g. MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING and most people will not even be interested in rebuilding that either.
Last bit… MUTUAL RESPECT. Only when you have been able to 1. fully understand each other (you and your car or the relationship you have with your dog or cell phone), 2. fully SUPPORT each other and 3. fully TRUST each other, will you be able to attain MUTUAL RESPECT.
Disrespect the one in your relationship and you WILL go back to discussing trust issues, back to discussing support issues, probably even back to discussing understanding issues in your relationship.
Once you can say that your relationship includes MUTUAL understanding, MUTUAL support, MUTUAL trust, and MUTUAL respect, I’m pretty sure you can say to yourself that you have struck gold. Tell him, her or it that you love him, her or it! (but you already knew that)
James Michael (the author) should watch less movies and get more hands-on info before he starts to dish out “advice” on what’s real, IMO.
Yea just missed the part ” pay for everything, have a brand new car , is a banker, have perfect 6 pack, have a house, a look like brat pit or antonio banderas is right 30 years old” just missed those points of what women want.
Dude, you’re going after the wrong women. Try some different avenues.
Kelli, that is my absolute favorite comment on this article.
I do not understand all the negative comments on this blog. I’m confused! I think it’s an awesome blog, and I also think that more REAL MEN need to be noticed….and think that Women need to know that there are still real men out there. I have settled (in my past and I’m 40 yrs old) for the wrong men….men who make me feel loved, and special in the beginning and then viola they turn into real asses. Yes I honestly can say that I am a very loving women, and would do anything for my family & friends. I have just ended a 10 yr marriage (13 yr relationship) because of being someone’s door mat. It’s time that men & women around the world realize that there are better ways to treat each other. Don’t settle for less than what you are worth….
@Sheila, I think the negative comments are a result of the men doing the best they know how, then wham!!! He’s told “nice try, but you’re not a real man. Try again.” Men tire of it. Name one real man according to this article, whether real or a fictional tv character… I doubt you will find one. (maybe Jesus)
Reblogged this on Ahyiana Angel and commented:
So many times I’ve sat around with my girls and pointed out flaws in men that we have dated and we’ve confirmed for each other, “Girl he wasn’t the one for you,” due to some of the classic flaws and or shortcomings listed below. I love this list because it is very real and simple. Enjoy!
Dear Mr. James Michael Sama, I loved this post. Please write on why men, now-a-days, shy away from being a “Real Man”. I’m listening…
Because there is no reward. Typically, when things go south in a relationship, society will hold him accountable. So men would rather put off the effort for the “real man” journey until a later date…
If there are no “real” men anymore, it is the fault of the people who raised them. It is up to parents (or those doing the parenting) to teach young boys how to act like “real” men. And it is best done by example.
I concur, agree totally
totally agree Mary!
I guess I’m a real man. Really if these are the only requirements of a man over a boy then I’ve been one since I was 16. In all honesty I think you have forgotten some important factors in becoming a “real man”. Taking responsibility and providing for yourself and others, upholding a higher level of respect by peers/coworkers, maintaining a high quality job and being the best you can be in every environment are all qualities I see in a “man” as compared to a “boy”. Acting like a man doesn’t pay the bills or prepare you for the struggles of life. Just because you act like a normal person in a relationship doesn’t make you a man, it makes you…normal. And, if you can’t apply all of the above statements to yourself, you surely are not a man.
Yes, but remember – as specified in the introduction, this is strictly regarding how men act in relationships. Other areas of life are unrelated to the points here.
While some may appreciate the reminder (for any who may need it), I learned nothing new here — all of these “real man” traits are so obvious. Simple common sense directives.
I think you’d be amazed how many people don’t have common sense though lol
[…] Awesome Find of the Day for all of the Twenty+ Ladies:) […]
James, Bravo! What an excellent reminder. The pictures are just pictures too, but nice add. I think people commenting have gotten a little carried away. Our experiences shape our view of the world, and many of these negative posts are a result of internal conflict and influence. You attract what you believe. Strive to be a man of character, and the rest will follow in suit.
Very well put its sad tho that even tho a man sometimes knows and does all these things and yet women still go for the asshole. Maybe its a sign that they’re scared and still not ready to become a real woman 😉 oh and speaking of boys and girls… They would comment and keep their focus on grammar and the pics and not the point of the article haha.
I love how they used a picture of Brad Pitt in the movie that he left his own wife for the woman pictured right under “A real man shows you respect”. Lol Nothing negative towards the article, it’s great.. that just made me laugh. 😉
LOVE. Thanks for blogging this. 🙂
There are so many things missing from this article…it’s like the author is just rattling off obvious things that young desperate women want to hear. Show her respect? Put effort into the relationship? Any woman – girlfriend/fiancee/wife would have to have incredibly low standards to be impressed by any of this. This sounds like it was written by someone whose been in none or few serious relationships and lives at home with his parents. Any remotely serious man who’s been out in the world has met and had relationships with women that would laugh at this list. I don’t see any references on this site to target audience, so I’m assuming high school girls?
These may be obvious, but they aren’t common.
The target is high school girls? Dunno. Are the dudes in the comments slamming the list and calling it a ridiculous female fantasy all high school boys, I wonder?
This is an awesome article, straight and to the point. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I hope they make 10 ways to know you’re dating a women…
Apparently a real man can’t be a “fat fuck of slob,” according to your blog’s pictures.
Last time I checked my dad was “a real man,” and he was one of the biggest pieces of shit I’ve ever met. But, he kept his kids clothed and the heat on. Guess what? He made a fuck ton of mistakes and treated people and his wife like shit sometimes, but was it because he wasn’t a real man? Fuck no!!!! He was just fucking stupid and trying to figure out this fuck of a ride called LIFE– like most of us :”real men.”
Your blog’s notion of what a “real man” is the most unrealistic piece of shit I’ve read in a long time. So, take your “real men” points and stick them wayyyyyy up your ass and fuck yourself with them. Now, time for me to make some big mistakes and learn from them.
“Real men” also hide behind a computer screen, being internet bullies and yelling obscenities, just like their dads before them. 😉
Your father wasn’t a real man. He was a real man’s asshole. Sorry to have to introduce you to the difference.
Funny, a lot of what defines a real man seems to be how he treats a woman? I see nothing about himself as a person.
To reiterate my introduction in the beginning of the article…this is written regarding how a man of quality will act in a relationship towards his significant other.
I have other articles regarding who he is as a person, in general.
This is such an american way to think what is “real man”.
Real man can be insecure, he doesn’t have to be calm and confident all the time. Real man can cry and be insecure. Real man doesn’t need to be a perfect.
This kind of a artictle puts down a woman. Like it’s a solely a man job and decisions what makes a relationship a perfect. It’s two-way street.
And btw. sometimes little jealously (when a woman goes out and get hit by other guys) can be a good sparkle for the love life! I’m not talking about when you been dating for a few months. But once you been married to 10 years.
Sounds like the majority of this is a simp beta fish. Not to mention the femi nazis craving this yet have no self respect, dont take care of themselves, and CRAVE attention. Fake eyelashes, fake tits, caked on makeup, hardly act like a woman should. Western women are hopeless and outgunned compared to other foreign women.
I’ll be back bring popcorn.
A real man immediately recognizes the the embarrassingly wannabe efforts of a substance-less blog written by a half-talented blogger who is incapable of distinguishing tired cliches, simplistic truisms, and internet-fodder memes from originality, substance and taste. Not saying that everything he brought up was wrong–just saying that it had all the complexity, insight, and pitiful pandering of the bad cologne commercials it mimicked. Sorry, but shallow, slipshod writing piques my distaste.
Honestly, James there are a few things that bother me here:
Put it simply, a real man *is* someone with XY chromosomes and a penis. A real boy is also someone with XY chromosomes and a penis. Manhood isn’t earned. Being a boy is not some inferior version of being a man. At no point should we ever excuse vicious, cruel, deeply selfish, power-hungry, and tyrannical behavior as “boyish” – this has nothing to do with maturity and everything to do with a malevolent heart. What you are really trying to suggest is “good behavior” and “bad behavior,” but really this has nothing to do with gender. Both sexes should display it.
Additionally, I can definitely understand why your images would offend. While your words suggest gracious behavior (though I would argue sometimes superficial), your images decry different standards. Men must be deeply sexualized, and the way they dress, look at you, and present themselves must be sexualized and stylish (as is in all examples, particularly of the man in the dress shirt that’s becoming unbuttoned). Men must have square jaws, rugged good looks, be taller than women, be in perfect physical form, and have a charming, though mysterious personalty. If you think you couldn’t replace these pictures with very ordinary or even unattractive men, you’ve missed the point: it’s the heart that matters most, much more than the outside.
So, if I may, I’d suggest a few revisions to your point:
1. A good man values your heart more than your looks – looks deteriorate, but a beautiful heart never becomes unappealing.
2. A good man will encourage you to take chances and go beyond the ordinary. He may not agree with what you see as the ideal future, but he’ll challenge you not by being a dictator but by encouraging you to take risks and think beyond the scope of your experiences.
3. A good man will not worship you as the center of the universe, but rather also see the beauty in other people and activities.
4. A good man takes responsibility for his actions and doesn’t blame others.
5. A good man will attempt to communicate with you in a way you understand, direct or indirect. He cares most about getting his point across with the utmost sincerity but also utmost love.
6. A good man will be patient enough to forge mutual trust with you and voice his insecurities with you upfront instead of violating your privacy.
7. A good man is gentle, patient, and sincere. He does not treat you like territory that needs to be defended like an animal would. He will defend you from unwanted attention, but he will never make you feel like HIS property.
8. A good man will treat everyone with respect and will never hold himself as higher or better than others.
9. A good man will make sure you feel valued and loved for who you are, flaws and all. He will make sure that you will cared for and appreciated for your innate qualities as much or more so than your outer qualities. You may not always be happy, but he will always be reminding you you’re special and loved.
10. A good man will see your flaws and encourage you to grow and improve. He will never shame you, but rather inspire you to love deeper, seek beauty, and find truth, making you more hopeful and inclined to see positive improvement, rather than to give up and feel a failure.
Good looks wither. Good hearts don’t. Keep that in mind. Some of the presentation of the article makes me think that women just want a man to feed their selfishness rather than to fall in love with a man because of *his* heart – just as they want a man to fall in love with them for theirs.
A REAL man and his masculinity is not defined by having a relationship with a woman nor how he performs in said relationship. What it means to be a “real man” does not hinge upon dating, having a significant other (male or female), or how a man treats a woman, specifically.
I don’t think this is a discussion about what it means to be a real man so much as it is just common sense advice on how to be a decent person and have a healthy relationship.
Perhaps, but it’s using language that masculinity is earned, abusive behavior is immature and not just wrong, and men ultimately have to conform to one personality and (via the photos) looks type.
I got engaged today. Reading through these blog posts helps secure my decision that I’ve made the right choice. Thanks.
I bet if a guy made a 10 ways to know a real woman, all hell would break loose on the Internet. For the most part these are just general qualities you look for in friendship
Hey man, Great Write-up. Really enjoyed it.
[…] Original Article: http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/11/06/10-ways-to-know-youre-dating-a-real-man/ […]
There are roughly 3.5 billion men on this planet, all of whom are part of thousands of differing cultures, and every last one of these men are unique. Lists like this are complete and utter bullshit, there is no such thing as a “real man.” Every woman (and some men) look for different things in men. This is nothing more than the original poster’s ideal version of a man or, more accurately, what they want the world to think their ideal version of a man is.
.. keep dreaming.. Real men keep it gangsta… HAHA Brad Pitt on the photos… who made this stupid post? Yea You might find a guy with all these good traits… but hes going to be hick who’s overweight from North Dakota
What bothers me about this is a man can be all of those things and they still will leave , the question really is a man looking for a real woman, they have has so many blueprints and how we men are suppose to act like , this guy is clearly a simp( somebody idolizing mediocre panties), let us men see how do you find a real woman.
i’d ditch the photo of Pitt cheating on his wife. that’s not very manly.
I must’ve been the only person who didn’t know that’s what happened during filming of that movie – just randomly selected the photo.
Will switch it out, thanks.
Okay, so he didn’t specify that it should be mutual? The article title states that it pertains to being a man. I believe that the majority of people taking offense to this, are doing so because they feel threatened, or they feel the need to point out every little imperfection. Hey guys, maybe that’s why you clicked the article in the first place. Learn something. It’s telling you to cut the shit, take the advice or don’t, but telling an editor that he doesn’t know what he is talking about is pretty damn dumb
A real man doesn’t need others to define “real man” for him. A real man doesn’t write an article telling women what is a real man. A real man doesn’t model his manliness after what women are looking for in a man.
So then you disagree with how I describe how a man should act in a relationship, in this article?
Can you elaborate more on why he shouldn’t do the things I say he should do?
Thanks for your feedback!
Your article is apparently mistitled. I was under the impression you were describing how a “real man” behaves with a woman. What you described is how a woman would want a man to behave toward her. Not quite the same thing, is it?
Why is this not the same thing? Couldn’t it be? Couldn’t a man possess the behavioral qualities that a woman would want?
I would think that would be a good thing.
Well, let’s put it this way: is the definition of “real woman” the same as the way a man would want a woman to behave in a relationship? Does a man know best how a woman should be “real”?
No, they do not have dependent definitions. As in, one is not necessarily the other.
However, I feel that if on occasion they intersect and the way that a man thinks he should be (ie., how I think I should be in my relationship) and how a woman wants him to be (ie. what my girlfriend looks for in a man), intersect – that is to be celebrated, not criticized.
That is also the personal situation I’m in now, not just an example – so it can happen.
Perhaps we can agree on this: Manhood is the business of men, not women, and womanhood is the business of women, not men. A good relationship emerges when the best features of manhood and womanhood interact positively.
Yes – I agree with that. I’m just doing my best to define exactly where your disagreement stemmed from? Sorry if I missed it in a previous comment..
I think our initial disagreement was that you were presenting real man behavior in terms of how well he met the woman’s expectations in a man. As you later admitted, real man behavior is not synonymous with “meeting a woman’s expectations,” although the two do intersect.
That’s not how I intended the tone for this article to come across – I meant for it to be written from a man’s perspective (as it was) and how I believe we should act in relationships – I didn’t think I had framed anything from the perspective of how a woman thinks we should be, but perhaps I’m just not recalling it.
I’m by no means a professional writer so it’s entirely possible that I have a lot to learn when it comes to getting my point across. 🙂
Are you aware that there are people in this world that have a severe medical condition which causes them to be that way? My mother for instance is one of those people. She is a truck driver that has bad knees and a bad back from driving the truck but you probably do not care about that case either. Oh well I am not one of those people I am 6’4″ 245lbs and I exercise every day. I would love to see you say something like to my mother in front of me. Probably never happen though you are probably just an internet tough guy. I doubt very seriously you would say that to someones face. Just my thought.What do you think. Oh I am sorry you probably do not have a brain. I on the other hand will be happy to buy you a plane ticket to come here and see if you have the nerve to say that to someone I know.
Sorry but…I have no idea what you’re talking about.
What constitutes a “real man” is subjective; contrary to that of a good man.
I agree with every point here. I also would say though, that almost every point can also be applied to women. It’s called basic maturity for both sexes. I don’t understand why everyone is getting so worked up about the whole point about looks. I think it very clearly states that he should appreciate MORE than just your looks. That doesn’t mean he can’t like your looks or can’t compliment your looks. It means there must be more about you that he likes than just your body. If your body is the only attractant, than you will be fighting for the rest of your life to stay young and beautiful to keep him around. Yes, a real man should have a ton of testosterone in his body, but he also should know how to control his primal instincts.
AMEN Abigial!! Totally agree 100% with you.
A real man has a beard.
The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
I always wanted to meet a Zoroastrian.
So what gives the author, a self-proclaimed “modern gentlemen” *cringe*, the authority to prescribe the characteristics of a “real man”? Doubt he even meets 2 of his own criteria. Also, based on the pictures, you better be a male model covered in Versace suits and neck tattoos to be a “real man”. What a joke. Stop trying to impress people, James. You’re not fooling anyone.
I strive to meet all of the points daily, feel free to ask my girlfriend.
Secondly, do you have anything to comment regarding the actual content or the points I made? Or will you still to unsubstantiated personal attacks?
If you disagree with any of the points specifically, I’d like to hear why.
I’m thinking everyone needs to back up & breath because goodness….James is doing the blog from a guy’s perspective. To me, if you are getting this upset over blog….you need to look in the mirror & figure it out for yourself. Stop the bashing, etc….It’s getting old! Just saying.
To RealMan….are you seriously commenting like this with the posting name of “RealMan”? No offense but I think you should change it…you’re acting like a jerk. If you read a Blog & don’t agree….there’s nothing wrong with voicing your opinion but doing it rudely & offensively saying James isn’t a real man is wrong! You don’t even know him…..neither do I. Why are you so defensive? His blog is spot on. I know a guy who meets every aspect of what he wrote & he’s an amazing Real Man! You shouldn’t criticize someone if you have no idea who they are.
Good luck finding anyone who meets all that criteria. Men (humans in general) are flawed from the start, but we do the best we can. What about criteria for what constitutes a “real” women?
Awesome! Great article! I especially loved the last point you made.
While I totally agree with the sentiment. You talk about how he should value more than just your body parts. He should be in love with the person you are. Well, you do notice you put only pictures of beautiful wen and men. Does this really demonstrate it? Not really.
I think this is a wonderful post as the author is making good points. I think men should always treat women with respect or anyone for that matter because respect is a great thing. Being calm, cool, and collected is also necessary for your own health as well as the relationships’. however, men will fall short of these things and it isn’t logical to say a real man will never get intimidated by your motivation ie jealous, anxious, annoyed, angry, sad. BUT this article is geared more towards women then men so a logical argument isn’t what’s needed. Example. “A real man is always calm, cool, and collected.” this is not logical as it is impossible to be like this all the times. Women recieve an emotional response when they read that because it makes them feel balanced. Since a woman’s hormones and moods fluctuate they will oviously like cool, calm, and collected men.(not all women but biologically speaking).
I look around and see an awful lot of guys having sex, getting married, etc. According to this article and from my direct observation of these guys; none of them are “real men.”
So it makes me wonder if women just want “real men,” how is any of the above even possible?
Looks like there is a lit of conflicting desires find on.
[…] 10 Ways To Know You’re Dating A Real Man […]
Men are more systematic and woman are more empathetic. Men “think” more wheras women “feel” more. communicating to a woman with pure logic that is completely void of emotional stimuli is not going to get their attention. the biased nature of this article just goes to show that women are so different then men. Men don like this article bc it isn’t realistic or logical. Women like this article because it makes them feel like there are good men out there and they will find the “perfect” man someday. The author is doing a good job because he is saying what a woman would want to hear, not necessarily what makes sense. Men need to be strong and collected for women because women don’t know how. Men need to be logical and direct for women bc women are emotional and indirect (a lot of the time). societies formed these standards: when a girl cries we do what she wants and give her attention until she feels better. When a boy scrapes his knee and he cries, we tell him to be a big boy and stop crying and that he is strong. We (as the US) enable women to be emotional and disable them from being strong. Conversely, we enable men to be strong and less emotional. Therefore since we coddle women since early ages they will obviously prefer to hear something that makes them feel good, rather than something that is true
Not every article needs someone to dissect it plainly. Why the heck would you just put this comment out there? This post was totally uncalled for. There are robust women out there that don’t have to be dikes, or overbearing. There are men out there that are emotional, but don’t act like wusses. Why are you sitting here trying to steal an article’s subject? Please stop trying to outshine the author. How about you write an article about your beliefs and watch how frustrating it is when skater kids try to trounce your work. The author is simply expressing their beliefs and trying to turn it into something tangible that people can understand and relate to.
Clearly you have become defensive. Which, of course, means that you realize sk8terkid is correct. Why else would his response stir such emotion in you? Try to calm down and realize the truth in both the article and his response and attempt to combine them into one sensible thought. Then you will truly see the message behind this page.
Im sorry jack yeah it was a pretty objective approach. I just saw guys comments with them being all pissed and women arguing back and talking about feelings. I just wanted to bring to light the fact that man and women are so different. Alike too and understanding, as well as logical. But…a woman can never truly understand a man if she is not one. And vise versa. Man and women just seem so unique and regardless of gender roles and such it feels like we both have the talent to view things in a different perspective. Thats probably a better way to put it
Maybe skater was trying to work it out in his own head. I find that writing out what I think something said makes it make better sense for me. If I write it down, maybe it helps someone else make better sense of it as well. Either way, both the article and skaters comment were interesting to read.
nice points sk8er
I was giving some advice to my friend the other day. He has never been in a real relationship, but I was in one for a while, and I was explaining how he should act and deal with certain situations. This article touches on a lot of what we talked about, and it hits the nail on the head (Im a guy by the way). If you actually care about a girl, this is what you should strive for. Believe me, it will make your life easier, and believe me it is realistic. To touch on what sk8terkid500 said, there is some true statements followed by wide sweeping, and often untrue, generalizations. Yes, men are usually more analytical and women more emotional. This, according to some studies, is attributed to a wider corpus callosum in women allowing for more communication between hemispheres of the brain. Following the theory that one side of the brain is more analytical and the other more creative, provides the basis for the reason that women are able to add more emotion to their thinking then men do i.e. we tend to be more logical and rational minded leaving emotion out of the equation. This does show a difference in men and women. It is true that we communicate differently. But this does not mean that women are unable to comprehend anything void of emotion. Talk to any women in a scientific field and you will see a women that can think linearly and logically. Also, we (men) are capable of adding emotion to our logic; What it all boils down to is taking the time to do what is harder (this goes for both men and women), consider these differences and integrate them into your communication and actions.
I saw this article because a man posted it on his wall. I didn’t go through the comments, but I honestly, I never would expect men to get angry at this. This is how men should act, with class, chivalry, and control over their emotions. I also add that another article could be written about women since both sexes should have equal part in contributing to a healthy relationship. I think the author does a good job. This does more to educate men on how to be better boyfriends than it does to inform women as to what they should look for. I know this was long winded, and if you want to say I was defensive, then I guess I was. I happen to know a lot of very strong women who break stereotypes and generalizations made above.
Shouldbewritingalabreport wins! But he really should get that lab report done……
@ shouldbewritingalabreport: You state, “This is how men should act, with class, chivalry, and control over their emotions.” Seriously?? It’s like I read something from Victorian times. Instead of “class, chivalry and control over emotions”, how about respect, decency, honesty, communication and openness with emotions instead? Men, in my opinion, should stop fixating on what it is we need to *be* in order just to get or please a woman, and start focusing on just becoming a good person. Is that so hard? Instead of “what are women looking for?” being the driving force behind enlightening us, perhaps “how can I be the best person I can be for myself, a potential partner, family, friends, and society in general?”
All bitches want is money and a man with a nice ass car and that is it. If you have to guys in a parking lot and one man that looks sexy and being nice is not going to bet a guy with an expensive care with a ton of money
If that is the case… the girl is not worth going for.
I find that funny because i’m married have a beautiful house a brand new car and a great career OH AND DID I MENTION I’M THE BREAD WINNER?? I’m sorry you’ve never had a real woman who does not appreciate you and your worth. When you have a grown woman than you act like a grown man, Just like this article! Maybe you should look at yourself obviously real women dont want an untrustworthy judge mental little boy
I’m pretty sure no one actually took you seriously once you started with “All bitches want…” Just sayin..
I feel like this explains your point very well.
Very immature outlook, the obvious signs of women you’ve experienced but definitely an opinion, a rather arrogant one…a man should be equally as driven as his woman to have nice things, be successful and build an empire TOGETHER. It’s not about who has more.
Matt not all women want that I promise. You might be looking at the wrong ones. There are beautiful and intelligent women that want a good man and yes they want to be attracted (just like men do) and want to have monetary security but not all women have to have the 6 pack abs and rich guy. The right girl won’t care about these things she will love you for who you are! I hope you will change your mind on women and also calling all of us b’s probably doesn’t help you get respect from those women you are trying to date. Good luck on finding the right one 🙂
Strange that you say that, considering I have the stronger income and buy my boyfriend gifts on a regular basis. Please stop being a dim wit, and for the love of god, please learn to spell.
I disagree. This article is something girls SHOULD read because all women deserve to have a man who respects them, encourages them, and isn’t there just for their body. If were going to talk about gender roles here, women are often told that they are nothing without their looks and this article encourages the fact that they should find someone who appreciates them for more than that. This isn’t made up crap for women to just eat up, these are healthy attributes every guy should have if they are looking to be in a REAL relationship and I’m happy to say I have a boyfriend that fits for all 10 🙂
Your comment is just nothing but sexist generalizations. This isn’t just irrational, illogical things girls want to hear, it’s the truth. Just cause you obviously aren’t a real man it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. And yes, generally men and women think differently. But there’s 7 billion people in the world. People aren’t carbon copies of each other. Use your head instead of just assuming things.
Sorry to upset you and generalize and what not. It just frustrated me about how people were arguing about a “real” man when its completely subjective
I agree 100%
After reading the article and some other comments I feel like the author and most of us are missing the big picture. What the author describes as a “real” man kinda sounds like to me the “perfect man”….which don’t exist. And neither does a perfect girl. I could easily write a article outlining the 10 things that you use to know you have a “keeper” aka the perfect girl. But those ten things will only be what I think society wants to hear or more so what men want to hear so either they can relate to why they don’t have girlfriend bc of course I am a great guy and she’s not a keeper or because maybe a hottie reades this and becomes intrigued by my article and perceives me as a real man. The article kinda reads to me that it was written so women could relate why they don’t have a relationship and push the blame the their most recent boyfriend was not a “real” man. At the end of the day no one is perfect don’t worry about the rules or what’s deemed normal by society or what the majority perceives as a real or perfect man. Being able to accept someone’s imperfections is love bc again no one is perfect
I already wrote that article: http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/10-ways-to-know-your-girl-is-a-keeper/
I don’t think it has to do with perfection. Both my girlfriend and I fall into many of the points listed here, on good days, most of them. All of them all days? No.
But, I feel it’s a solid outline to try to live one’s life by, and I think that’s a positive thing, not a negative.
Don’t take it so hard, this is just an affiliated marketing website where he paid $5 for elance writers to write this article.
Not sure what you mean…there are no ads on this website and I’ve made zero dollars for it. I write everything myself…as is clear to see if you read the other 100+ articles that are on here, my facebook statuses, tweets, et cetera.
Thanks for your comment though.
Wow can I date you? Lol
All you have done here is successfully recognize obvious, superficial and incessantly repeated dime-store wisdom. “Men are logical and women are emotional” is an absurdly old and preposterous generalization. But okay brother, this is how ignorance gets passed from generation to generation. Mainstream thoughts are just that.
Skaterkid you are so smart and on point.
THIS. IS. BRILLIANT. (though it will get me in the doghouse I’m totally having my girlfriend read this) Because every single word of it is empirically
yanno, if everyone treated everyone else like the article describes, we’d all be a lot better off… These bullet points are overly simplistic.
this is sexist
Woman who agrees
This article speaks so much truth, but the accompanying graphics of male models implies that a “real man” will also look stunning. I’d prefer to see real men pictured with a great article about real men…
And a real man won’t look like ANY of the guys pictured in this post. Just sayin’.
Just curious, why do you think that? There are “real men” of all levels of attractiveness and all occupations.
I agree 100% 🙂
I think he was saying that satirically, Kelli.
Im just reiterating the fact that men and women think and behave differently.
Great Article. I see many women with men who have these qualities, but you missed a few basics. Like a job. A car. Paying bills. I see some very professional women, who find a guy who trust them, makes them feel good and all the things on the list. Then they end up supporting him while he sits at home and plays video games, or watches football. I know some have commented that women want a man with money, perfect body and so on. But I don’t think that is true. But I would say that it is sad when a guy who treats us right is the only qualification. Having personal responsibility, working, and contributing are also things that should be on this list.
I think the basics are boring a lot of times. Things like a car and a job and financial stability are really obvious indicators of a person’s maturity and responsibility. These things are low hanging fruit that can be covered in a much more basic article (or probably don’t need to be written about at all). I actually appreciate that the writer left that stuff on the cutting room floor.
I think the basics were left out because they are simply that, basics. Horses have jobs, idiots own cars, and stoners pay their bills. The basic requirements for living are a given. I assure you that a man who meets half of these standards will either be well employed or in school. A man has no interest in being just a guy with a job, he will have aspirations, goals and a vision for himself and those around him. His bills will be paid, but that should be at the bottom of the list of qualifiers. Because if all the other boxes are checked yes, then you my dear, have found yourself a renaissance man, and should be counting your blessings. 🙂 (but yes, a job is important lol)
ok…but what’s up with the pictures? Is this what a real man *looks* like? The kind you find in magazines and on TV? It’d be like if I made an article about what a real woman was like and put pictures of Kate Upton or whatever…
The pictures are for visual effect. That’s what’s up with them. They don’t mean anything.
if they don’t mean anything then why even post them? A picture is worth 1000 words..if you had no intention behind them then that’s good to hear, but I still think you could have used different images to really drive your point home. For example..”a real man values more than just your looks.”
how bout this one?
or maybe this one..
or “a real man has more interests than you.”
http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/18900000/Cute-couples-_-love-18948421-500-353.jpg (reading, guitar..you get it right?)
or how about this one?
i could go on…but you should see my point. at least follow your own advice and put a little effort into it.
I like these, maybe I’ll use them. Thanks for the insight – always good to get other peoples’ perspectives.
I think they mean a lot more than you realize. And what’s the effect? You might think you’re glamorizing your message, but in reality you’re competing with it. Your photos should accentuate the theme of what makes a man worth knowing – not accentuate that all men worth knowing are sex gods.
no problem, just trying to help if i can
Absolutely, much appreciated.
oh i guess people have already commented the same thing…i should learn to read
I don’t know about you, but the man I’m dating has done everything on this list and then some. We live on opposite sides of the US now (I’m west coast, he is east coast) and since he moved, he has made 2 trips to see me and possibly a third after the holidays…I didn’t even say anything or ask!!! He is the first guy to make me feel comfortable to say exactly what I am thinking, especially about relationships…he gets annoyed when I ask if I can ask him a question lol he is very confident, but a big softy when it comes to animals and babies…he can chat it up with anyone but doesn’t like to be the center of attention…he brings out my competive side and i have become better at shit talking…and he is drop dead gorgeous (many of my friends guys and girls have agreed…can’t help but toot my own horn…*toot toot*) but of course he doesn’t realize it…I’ve witness him turning heads…one girl looked like her head was about to spin 180 degrees…and he looks at me like I’m the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on…usually I get shy and do the whole “oh I’m not, your just saying that.” But when it comes from him, I say “hell yeah I’m beautiful!!!” he is always interested in my job, my activities, trying new things, meeting my friends…he is an all around great kind hearted person…its seriously been a dream…and I don’t mind he lives 3000 miles away because I’m still doing my thing and he’s doing his thing…he has restored my faith that not only are there good men out there, but also there are good people in the world
Thank you for this. I’ve had too many boys in my life, I think I’ve stumbled upon a real gentleman 🙂
Where do you find these “real men” do they exist?
i met this man….the true good men are out there
These comments are why we can’t have nice things. It’s a well written article and if you disagree with it, fine, no need to be a dick about it.
This is just describing a balanced person who treats others with respect. Men who aren’t perfect are just as real, they just need a little help and encouragement towards self improvement. Everyone is always so quick to label someone as a douche bag, but not a lot of people think about what that person has been through in order for them to act in such a way. It is very common for a man to have insecurities, just as it is for women. We have to work on building others up, instead of tearing them down. Disregarding everything I just said, since you’ve made so many suggestions, “A real man knows how to tie his bright red polk-a-dot tie”.
I completely agree with that as I am a sensitive man lol. Looking at things objectively helps me to stay sane haha
Thank you new Disney / Cosmopolitan e-magazine
now please tell them how to beheave with our friends, give our personal space with them… oh yea, and also how to beheave when they are invited to a family reunion.
Only a very, very, very lonely woman would expect a man to fit into this silly f*^%$g list.
[…] Via of JamesMSama […]
Any one who doesn’t think that men can fit this list has a sick out look on themselves and the world. Leave it to a bunch of lonely and pathetic losers to tear down the time and effort made by the author, who is legitimately providing a quality read for anyone interested.
1) the photos are fine.
2) if you find that all that “bitches” want is money and a car (c..a…r…not care. In a way, women want that too), and that you’re out look on women, then you deserve those bitches, and they will always find you
3) and that goes for User8 also. Lonely women are attracted to anyone who shows them any attention, that includes guys that don’t believe that they can be more for themselves and the people around them. The guy listed above is not interested in very very very lonely women.
Good article and good for everyone who appreciates the article, for what it is. The rest of you, take a look in the mirror and grow the f*ck up quickly. Stop wasting your time and those around you. In fact, be the tough guys you are and show your mothers and sisters your comments. Your outlook will be different….maybe.
The guy listed above is the man at it’s best potential. There are times in every mans life that they are as described in this article. time changes people but it doesn’t mean that the “real man” is gone; it’s still there. there is no such a man like this at all times; this is just an ideal man. If you think yourself as ideal like the man in this article, then look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are really as ideal as you think you are. if you are, then you’re not a real man, but just an illusion..doesn’t last and no value
“A real man will give you answers” And get “You just don’t get it” in reply. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
My boyfriend is very close to this. As for the logic vs. emotions debate, I agree; however, my boyfriend and I are both aware of this. Not sure if this is necessarily something that has happened because of society as someone mentioned, I think it really goes back to our natural insticts as human beings.
It was very different in my last relationship and it was unstable bc she didn’t understand me and it took me forever to try to understand her. I think its wonderful that you and your bf are both aware of this. Bc if it is true you’ll be super duper balanced!!:)) I’m not sure of anything lol. Society seems to play a role kinda
But women are not interested in dating a real man.
They are interested in dating a man that makes other women say “OH look at that guy she’s with.” Everyone of these characteristics can be sacrificed for that one thing.
Hilarious, James, the author, is either Gay, or in self denial about the same fact. You think way too much like a feminist brother! That being said, the article is well written and for a feminist, you make some valid points.
I think feminist is too harsh lol. Women are human!
My boyfriend fits this description exactly. So, no, it’s not unrealistic. And he’s gorgeous! And I do agree that women are more emotional and men more logical (in the majority of cases) because it IS how we are raised. I work in early childhood education and see it all over the place every single day. Girls are treated as little angels from birth and are encouraged to think emotionally and aesthetically. They are put down when they try to speak up for themselves and are told “princesses don’t do that.” Boys are encouraged to not cry or play with anything colored pink or to stay away from the kitchen. So anyone questioning whether our society does teach us these things… YES, they definitely do…. Other than that, loved the article!
Yes! my mom teches children also. She said its so true!
The model getting the shave is hot! Who is he and what are some different ads he has done?
I really hope you are a female because that’s the best comment so far.
If you’re a guy being a wise ass, still love the reply, it’s just not as effective.
So amazing how these rules can also apply to a woman. Imagine that! Wow! Also Gotta love this one: A real man is direct. B/c a woman will never do that. Lets work on that one ladies!
Yeah wow that is amazing!
It’s pretty clearly stated this article is about how a MAN will act in a relationship.
If you want female-specific ones, read my other articles.
I think marrying a true gentleman is right at the top of the list someone I’d be proud to take home to mum and dad without embarrassment. I think I’ve learnt about bad apples bad relationships enough to know I want to be with a true gentleman and that I can behave like a real lady and make my husband proud of me. I’ve had to change and travel from being a ladette to a lady but I think transformation into being a lady on the arm of a true gentleman is a beautiful thing I know my parents would expect me to behave like a lady and choose a gentleman that my parents would approve of. I wished I’d gone on ladette to lady and got my diploma to say that I’m now a real lady. I’ve had to change and I know that being with bad apples in a bad relationship isnt working bad influences rub off on you leading you astray. I’m a lady not a lout. If I had a chance to get married to a true gentleman ,I would not mess it up .I’m prepared for new ways of being and although I’m no snob or snooty or anything like that I know behaving like a lady is important .you don’t want to let your husband or parents down. I’ve had to learn in the toughest of ways and that means I don’t want to stay in the crappy situation I’m in now . I’m a proper lady that’s learnt through tough army bootcamp ways and I’ve had tough love dished up on the menu for way to long ….time for change I think …
well written! and many salient points were made.. this is definitely a good overview of what makes a solid character in a man
The older I get the more I realize one truth about females, this applies even more so to “attractive” girls: Girls are fundamentally unattracted to guys that have the qualities girls say they want in a guy.
You’re missing “can grow a beard that makes other men feel like little girls” . . .
I loved the article and I definately aim to fulfill these things on a daily basis. They are wonderful positive goals and every woman would benefit from all of the attributes mentioned and a man would feel wonderful if he could meet these “real” men characteristics. I’m sorry to you, mr. Sama if my points were insulting or anything bc I think its great that you are trying to change the world in a better way through blogging!! :). and sorry to my hatas if I generalized too much and talked about things too objectively. Obviously we all have different minds/feelings/actions wasn’t trying to steal thunder or compartmentalize. We just talked about thinking patterns in my behavioral psychology class so I couldn’t help but post something lol…I tend to rant my bad I just find the responses to the article so diverse and interesting.
I should start off by saying that I’ve been with the wrong women (obviously), because they’ve had no motivations or goals of their own, other than getting married. Have had no interests of their own while resenting mine. Didn’t want answers, they ‘just want someone who’ll listen’. Were hurt by directness even when it was approached with love and consideration. Violated trust, some in pretty despicable ways. And because of these things clearly were not deserving of respect. And of course the above behavior would in no way qualify as putting effort into the relationship.
So, for the women out there who this article could apply to, it’s a great article with really good points.
I feel ya man. There are awesome gals out there tho. maybe she was just jealous
[…] 10 Ways To Know You’re Dating A Real Man. […]
This article should be read by every woman. Men like this exist, and women who are lucky enough to have a relationship with them should recognize how unique and special their relationship is. These men are real and we shouldn’t take them for granted. They know how special we are; that’s why they’re dating us. Looking at these comments…thank fuck I found my guy because apparently the options out there really suck.
If these few relationship characteristics are considered so unrealistic now…I am extremely worried about the next generation.
PEople are getting so butthurt on this thread it’s kinda funny. Just because you don’t meet the criteria’s listed above doesn’t mean you should get defensive about it. Of course everyone’s opinions will differ when it comes to how a real men or real women should act and everyone has different standards. The author is simply listing the qualities he believes in that make a real man, and he has his own standards he follows through (from what I assume) , and he’s just sharing it with others who are looking for self development and growth. No one is forcing you to look at these and apply them to your life.
I on the other hand agree with most of the things he listed because I HAVE experienced what it’s like to be with this type of man for 3 years, and it was an absolutely amazing and fulfilling relationship. He fitted all the things listed above and it was refreshing to see a man hold these values compared to other guys who are shallow. I always told myself I was lucky to have a man like that because I realize how rare it is to find guys like that anymore. So they do exist, but it’s rare. People who have never experienced true love will never understand.
The reason people think this is so unrealistic is because not many people have this mindset in our generation anymore. Too many guys only thinking about one thing and this applies for women as well. Even women could learn a thing or so from reading this article as well, it’s not only for men.
Great article…I am one of the lucky ones that has a wonderful guy with these qualities. They are out there for sure. I know that for ME, my lack of maturity and wisdom in my 20’s made me not appreciate these qualities as much as I did after 30 and would imagine that could be the case for many younger women,so hang in there ‘nice guys’. I also think that it takes the right combination of 2 people to ‘inspire’ one another to be the best partners they can be. PS, I like the photos and think they signify the points made quite well.
jebus people are whinny. this is a great article. and people are getting butt hurt (mostly men) because they read this and can probably see their short comings as they read. I also think “worthwhile man” woulda been a better phrase to use instead of “real man”. because the phrase real man is used too widely for many different things. the bottom line is we should strive to be better as a man or a woman. we should strive to treat a woman and a man the way they deserve. so why bash this list? why say this guy is a pussy if he acts that way? so if this list is full of b.s. i’d like every person who bashed to create a list of what women should look for in a worthwhile man. people are getting hung up on damn semantics instead of focusing on what’s important. I think this list is great, I strive to be a worthwhile man, because if I’m not, then what am I being?
To Mr. Sama….well done. People read your article and are discussing it; you achieved your goal. You are also allowing others to be critical and not lash out; another win for you.
I do have to say that good men do exist and so do good women. The tragedy is when a good man/woman is taken for a ride, gets jaded, stops believing in love, and jades a person that could have been the one they wanted before they got jaded. Then that person does the same to another….cycle complete. Sad but so true and the trick to being a “good” man, as in the article, is to keep your head up, obtain these attributes listed, AND KEEP THEM! EVEN WHEN YOUR HEART IS SHATTERED A MILLIONS TIMES! And hope that one day it pays off because you didn’t allow that opportunity to pass and you’ve paid your dues. I look at failed relationships as a way to improve what I lacked in and to avoid what I couldn’t stand in the other person.
I’m lucky… I’ve been dating him for more than five years and now, we’re engaged 🙂
Too many, unnecessary commas.
I’m a little on the timid side of dating and I will always get scared (don’t ask me why, even I don’t know) if people hit on me on the street (stopping me to ask for my name and numbers, suddenly asking me for dates, etc). Perhaps it’s because I prefer to know guys who are in at least a circle (classes or any activity) with me. My boyfriend will be laughing his butt off if I told him I got hit on and got scared. Does that count as cool and collected? Hahahaha.
Let me know when there’s a woman that actually wants these qualities. I’m definitely not one of those “nice guys”. Heck, I’ve been told that I’m too intimidating too many times to count. But that’s because of ambition and drive (i.e. worked full time since I was 14, raised myself since 16, been invited to speak at the Capitol multiple times, run 2 businesses, and am an assistant manager of a major corporation). But no woman would ever want any of that from what I’ve seen haha.
Your attitude defines what sort of men/women.
If ur looking for a good time ull get a lot of jerks who’d be looking JUST for good time aswell.
If ur looking for a family life and a long term relations u might get a person closer to this description because ideal stuff don’t exist.
life is about SACRIFICE this article is too damn IDEAL.
this is gay
I think this a well published article. I believe that while the writer didn’t intend to, but these attributes for men could very well be applied toward women as well. I know that while I was reading this I thought to myself, “ehh, that is a good area I could work on!” Simply this article is good because it is trying to inspire women and men alike to be better persons in general.
1) What person (male or female) enjoys being appreciated for only their looks? I enjoy compliments but the guy I was recently dating repeatedly only complimented my physical attributes all of the time and it became annoying ( now this is a personal thing and I realize not every man or women feels the same, so try not to attack this because I am fully aware ;))And what man enjoys being thought of as “pretty on a pillow” but nothing upstairs? Or no drive. Some men enjoy one night stands, but that’s not what they look for when it comes time to settle down, generally.
2) In every relationship, man or women, your goals should be encouraged. What man enjoys their dreams of owning a bar/gym/restaurant/being CEO/college degree discredited? What women enjoys having their goals belittled or unsupported? Neither party here in my eyes.
3) What woman or man enjoys having their pursuits/personal interests put on hold during a relationship. I understand making sacrifices for relationships so that you can be able to spend time together, but allow time for yourself (man or woman) to do your thing. That is part of what makes you who you are. And no women enjoys giving up their mani/pedi/book club/gym time as well as no man enjoys giving up their gym time/football games/guy time.
4) What man or women enjoys indirect answers. In addiction, who enjoys hearing lies or avoiding the issue and having an elephant in the room. While a man may not be as tuned into the elephant because as some have said “men aren’t as emotional” ( I do not entirely believe this) but the man feels the effects of the elephant, and I am sure he doesn’t enjoy it. As does the women. Every issue should be addressed by a man or women, in a kind manner with respect. Granted there is a time and place for every discussion.
5) This is short and sweet, no one enjoys mind games. Man or women.
6) Another short and sweet one, who enjoys not being trusted? Man or woman.
7) Ahh, the age old jealousy which is hand in hand with trust. A man doesn’t enjoy having a girl “freak out/flip out” just as much as the girl doesn’t like the “who has the biggest balls/dick” game. Sorry if that is too vulgar, but I don’t want to be to dwell on this here 🙂
8) No one enjoys being forced to do something they don’t want to do for the simple fact that they don’t want to do it, let alone be forced to do it. Men don’t like waiting in a shopping mall for a woman, just as much as women don’t enjoy waiting in the video game aisle/sports store. This ties back into #3. Pursue your own interests. Respect is also in this one, everyone should respect each other. I will not enjoy this post being cut down just as much as others will not enjoy me cutting their points down (I’m trying to not do that, but I am human and I may err from my own points at times). We are all a society of mixed individuals with different backgrounds, values and life experiences. However, with that said, we should always take others opinions with respect and as a different perspective and it is hard to do this with tact in a relationship with someone we care for.
9) This is a Homer Simpson, “doh!” Man or women, we enjoy being pleased by the person we are with. Based on our own interests, it will vary. But it is part of being a human. We enjoy being happy and even more when others take an interest to increase it. Now, it does not mean we must sacrifice anything to make the other happy, or be forced to do something.
10) Pretty sure no one wants someone to come into their life to change them. Man or woman. However, we are human and not perfect, but you should inspire each other to be the best version of you. In example I will be personal on this, I am a nurse, and if I am having a bad day, and someone is trying my patience, I don’t want the person I am with to tell me, oh that’s annoying. I want to be told yea, that sucks, but maybe there is something you are missing. No one wants their faults to be coddled and approved of. And it’s not about changing someone, it’s about inspiring someone to do what they wanted to do in the first place. I chose nursing because I like to take care of people, however the job does become wearing at times, and I don’t want someone to allow me to be a bad nurse because I have become frustrated. I want someone to inspire me to do what I originally wanted to do and that is to Help people, not get frustrated and make them suffer because I can’t figure out what is bothering them or what can make them happy.
So there’s my rant on this. I like the article and it is an inspiring one. I want to try to be these things as well as be with someone who values these things as well.
Sensible article in some ways to my personal view.
1.Truly agreeing with this sentence: A real man will never be intimidated by your motivation. Yup, i think couple should really empower each other and letting each other flourish and maximize themselves to full capacity. It’s just amazing to have someone who’s supporting you and vice versa and both has the space and supports in believing their dreams.
2.A real man will show you respect.
Totally agreeing unto this. Knowing how to protect the other persons’ well-being especially in a case scenario” when you are way older than her and could have been more mature as you claimed to be* rather than pushing her to do things she doesn’t want eventually led to emotionally distress in herself and making the whole relationship crumbles down due to he can’t handles her becoming negative while she doesn’t know the exact words to explain her true thoughts even though she tried many times to tell you she doesn’t want to be pushed that way.”
3.A real man will give you answers.
Yes, no mind games. Instead sharing and take time to understand each other. Empathize. Men tend to be systemize but as they grew older, they will be more empathizing. Vice versa to women.
4.A real man will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.
Yes, again, empowering because in general, i think everyone deserves to be their best, and a “real person” will know how to empower people around them and not to just walk away and put her down because you are done on the bed with her.
A real man has a backbone and thinks an article like this is just another “nail in the coffin” for manhood. This article represents the further “pussification” of the 21st century male.
Let’s not forget the cheating. Men cheat with their d!cks and women cheat with their feelings. Half the time men cheat, they had no feelings toward the other person. Women are the complete opposite, cheating with emotions.
women cheat with their pussies, emotional or not. cheating is still cheating, and an emotional cheating bitch is way worse than a guy who just wants to bust a nut, due to the woman neglecting his needs in the first place. not saying its okay, but its the woman who cause it.
Reblogged this on christyxoxo93.
the author is a dumbass. supporting women being retarded and emotional is the WRONG thing to do, tell them they are wrong, and if they dont like it, thats their problem. why do men enable women to be dirty emotional bitches? it’s only setting us up for arguements due to the woman being so illogical, that it makes men wanna kill shit or buy a mustang.
Interesting comment. Can you give an example of where I say to support women being ‘retarded and emotional’ as you so eloquently put it?
I don’t recall making that statement, but perhaps you can jog my memory.
I don’t always act this way, but I can assure I’m a real man. It’s a touching article but unrealistic. I would find more value in a population study of men with good character to see what they believe are the cultural, moral, business, family values, etc, that make up a good man. This really sounds like a movie script for a chick flick.
But I did enjoy reading it. Not a waste of time.
It seems as if this post is skewed, and maybe a bit sexist. Who is to say that these are also not 10 ways to know you’re dating a real woman. Heteronormative ideals are constantly being forced down the throats of America, and notions such as masculinity, what a man must do to impress/maintain/woo a woman, become a doctrine that all little boys must follow. This post is also assumptive in the fact that sexed-females only dated sexed-males….
And a real woman won’t need any of this stuff. They’ll be strong enough to not have to rely on a man.
Absolutely, Devon. But a real woman would prefer to be with a man who also takes care of himself. A relationship isn’t about need–it’s about a deep connection with another person.
Very Impressed with this Article and agree 100%. Nice Post James. Some pointers to all the guys who this article has frustrated. This article was posted NOT to attack men, but simply set an solid example for us to strive for. Let’s not focus on woman here, let’s focus on ourselves, as men and be the Best men we can Be for your girlfriends, wifes and future spouses. I’m blessed to get to share my life with my best friend. Before her all the women I met or were involved with were like children. All this to say, Guys focus on yourself and you will meet, stop taking things so personal, Learn to lead yourself. Let’s face it. If you can’t lead yourself, what makes you think you can lead a woman in life? Real Talk.
<3 you're amazing.
What the hell? How could this article frustrate people?
This is not a “real man”. This is an “ideal man”. Unless you are Plato or a Platonist, being real is different from an ideal.
Let’s also look at this:
So, if a man is not “…cool, calm, and collected.”, he is not a real man? That is so wrong. One can be calm in a certain time and be not calm on another. Does that mean that on times he is cool, he is a real man, and on times that he is not cool, he is not a real man? In this case, it turns out that a man can be real and not real which is contradictory.
This is just wrong in many ways.
Did you read the article itself or just the bullet points?
This is strictly regarding how a man acts in a relationship, towards his significant other.
your example is about how a man acts towards other men, not towards his significant other. It is perfectly reasonable for a “real man” to verbally confront someone hitting on his significant other (especially if the significant other is too kind to tell them off his/her self) depending on the situation.
I like this article a lot, and I think overall it brings up some very valid points. Unfortunately, I think a good share of people have looked too deeply into various points made by James. While I do believe that James describes the “ideal man”, I don’t believe it’s something that us men are incapable of reaching. Now, do I believe that it’s something we fall short of every now and then? Of course! We’re human! We’ll have our moments when we let our testosterone take the reigns, and we may do something stupid. BUT it takes a real man to take responsibility for his actions, since he is ultimately the one who controls them. I think “real” men everywhere can say that they’ve messed up in one or more (or all) of these areas, but these men we’re also the ones who admitted to it, accepted it, and most importantly showed their significant others that they care enough to acknowledge it and correct it.
Whether we exhibit all of the behaviors of a “real man” or we’re still working towards it, I think it’s important that both men and women understand that we’re still human, and make mistakes from time to time.
Yeah, no, I read the article and I actually agree with bukojoe and I’m an educated individual who teaches a course on gender studies at the college level. So its not like he’s an idiot for thinking these things. See my post below, but “real” is a terrible word to use against a man to keep him in line; also, men shouldn’t be expected to be any cooler, calmer, or more collected than women… that’s literally the definition of sexism (i.e., expecting behavior from one gender but not from the other for no other reason than ‘because that’s how this gender ought to behave or gets rewarded by society’).
You are an idiot bukojoe. Good job James!!!
Dick riding will get you nowhere in life, Kevin. Just because you disagree with a very well thought out criticism (which is on point), he is an idiot? Hello pot. meet kettle.
Also, I believe one exclamation point would have sufficed.
You are so right. Even though your argument is cool, calm, and collected, it still does not qualify you, for an ideal man, but rather a whining person and that is what i get from that argument, just can’t seem to overlook the need you have to correct a minor flaw in this article, and dismiss the core, a defense mechanism developed over the years, probably because of constant abuse, may it be from home or school, where you had to prove yourself to others for competency, but don’t worry, you can be yourself, nobody is going to give you a wedgie here, even if you have a tendency to nag, so back to the ideal man, you are definitely not the one,… real,.. yes you may be, but still, not a real man.
I think what the “…cool, calm, and collected.”,” means was not meant to ask you to be that all the time. Of course i want my man to be normal like being able to grieve over the death of the loved ones or frustrated. But i want my man to realize his temper and learn to be more composed as well. Mature people don’t really see the reason to be angry anymore. Just react and respond more appropriately at the right moment.
All very good stuff but why think you need to LEAD your female partner?. Yes ,in dancing I love a man who can lead well. And, since I’ve always been a dancer, I also like to make gestures and notice that the man can feel my playful movement signals and respond to the movement I am making and join me in that “little input/” or movement as well. Women do not need to be lead in life We need to find out and trust that men are indeed trustworthy, aware of female need for an attitude of protection Why? because this culture has bred most men to be impressed with basically 3 values: Money, Sex, and Power. These are very cold values if not coupled with