How to approach a woman without getting slapped (Nightlife edition).


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If you’re out in a loud bar, club, or lounge – it’s often difficult to start or carry on a decent conversation. This, mixed with alcohol, typically results in a guy’s primate instincts taking over and resorting to physical communication.


The problem is, so many of them suck at it.

There is no foolproof formula to pull this off, but there are definitely things that will destroy your chances before you even open your mouth.

Two things you need to absolutely stop immediately are: 1) Cheesy pickup lines. 2) Going up behind a girl and grinding on her. Seriously, who told you that was a good idea?

In fact, the less clever your ‘pickup line’ is, the better. (Hint: Try “Hello”).

In fact – don’t approach her at all. Yet.

The vast majority of any interaction here is going to be non-verbal. If you’re not completely confident in your wit and charm (not to be mistaken for false confidence or liquid courage), then limit speaking as much as possible.


The odds are, you, her, or both of you, will probably be walking around the venue. Either with your friends, to and from the bar, or just taking a lap looking around. This is your perfect opportunity to make casual eye contact with her, and smile. Briefly read her reaction, and continue on your way. (Get a dirty look? Move on to someone else. Did she smile back? Get ready to move in).

The most powerful weapon in your arsenal is going to be reading someone’s body language and facial expressions. If you’re not getting a good vibe, the chances are stacked so high against you that it’s better to not risk coming across as pushy, and just gracefully bow out.


Walking right by her? Find a way to make some physical contact, but in a very non-invasive way. Just putting your hand on her back for a second to move past her, and saying excuse me. Do not linger and make her uncomfortable – keep moving, just as you would do if you were passing by anyone else.

Many people, especially so called “Pick Up Artists” will tell you to approach a woman immediately. Within 3 seconds of making eye contact, to be exact. But if you do that and walk right up to her, she’ll be reading your intentions right off the bat and it may not bode so well for you.


What I believe to be much more effective, is building some rapport with her during the night. Pay more attention to your friends. Don’t ignore her, but don’t focus on her. Glance over now and then. If she notices you, smile, and continue with what you were doing. The actual approach or ‘first contact’ has to be at the right time.

Ideally, the opportunity will present itself in a quieter area of the venue, or even up at the bar. If she’s at the bar, look for an opening next to her, but don’t approach just to talk to her. Lean over the bar facing the bartender as you would normally when ordering a drink – and then do so. Casually offer her one too – be a gentleman.

When you talk to her, you’ll be looking over your shoulder. This won’t make her feel like you’re towering over her or being intimidating in any way, it will allow her to lead with her body language, which you should then mirror. Her comfort is your #1 priority.

If you’re going to compliment her – say something she hasn’t already heard 100 times that night. Pay attention to her outfit – she probably put some effort into it. Notice what she matched together. Her nails, makeup, shoes, whatever.

Compliment her on something she chose and controlled that night, it’ll show her you’re paying attention to more detail than just “you got nice legs hurr durrrr.”


The further your conversation gets in a loud environment, the closer you’ll have to get to each other, just to be able to hear. Simple things like keeping your hand on her back while speaking and leaning into her, will help you build her comfort level to the point where, upon going separate ways, you can tell her you’d like to stay in touch and ask what the best way to contact her is. See what she offers up.

There is no step by step process to guarantee success when approaching women – but the principles always remain the same. Don’t make her uncomfortable. Don’t be weird. Don’t stare at her. Don’t touch her too much. Don’t intimidate her. Don’t overstep your boundaries.

Remember, her comfort is your priority.

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  1. […] In previous blog posts I have explained why we shouldn’t let chivalry die, how to spot a player, and even how to approach a woman without getting slapped.  […]

  2. Lisa on August 9, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Great pointers! We tell people the same thing. Cheesy pick up lines don’t work. A simple hello and I would love to buy you a drink go a long way. Sharing with our readers 🙂

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