20 Vital Lessons About How Women Think

Imagine, for a moment, the world we would live in if men and women had a deeper understanding of each other’s thoughts, feelings, tendencies, and perspectives. While, of course, the world’s 8 billion people each hold an individual set of traits and personalities, that doesn’t mean we can’t find some common truths that apply on a larger scale.

I believe that all relationships, be it intimate, friendships, professional, or otherwise, can benefit from a deeper understanding of those we are relating to.

Silly? Obvious? Goes without saying?

One would think, until one considers just how much time and effort we put into actually learning about each other.

More often than not, the answer is “close to zero.” So, the misunderstandings perpetuate themselves.

Below, you’ll find 20 truths that I, a heterosexual married man, have learned and accumulated over the years through a vast array of experiences, and have heard directly from thousands of readers and private coaching clients.

Gentlemen, I believe that if you’re willing to open your mind to these lessons, it’ll help you better navigate the world around you with a deeper understanding and knowledge of the people you’re engaging with on a regular basis.

1: The need to feel safe comes before all.

So, you’ve met a new woman, and you’re interested in building a relationship with her.

What are your instincts telling you to do first?

Perhaps it’s flex your watch, or your car, or name drop your famous friends.

Maybe you’re talking about how much your business made last year.

Maybe you’ve chosen the fanciest restaurant, or donned your most expensive suit, or planned an elaborate date you hope will swoon her.

While some women may be impressed by the “shiny things,” a woman who’s seeking a deep and meaningful connection with you is going to be blinded by the flashes and unable to see who you really are (or, what’s worse), she’ll already assume who you are, even if it’s not the truth.

The real thing that women are asking themselves as they’re building a relationship with you, is:

“Do I feel safe around this man?”

Some are asking consciously, and others, subconsciously.

It’s not just about physical safety, either…though that of course is paramount.

The real question lies deeper into emotional safety. Can she feel safe opening up to you? Can she show you who she really is without being judged? Can she drop her act and trust that you’ll still be there when the smoke clears?

If the answer is “no,” it’s always going to prevent her from entering the mindset necessary to open up, let you in, or fully emotionally invest in your relationship.

Lead with your honor, integrity, and trustworthiness…and everything else will just be a bonus.

2: Her brain is better wired for communication than yours.

Sorry, gents, there are some cards that biology simply dealt on a weighted scale.

One of which is the predisposition to communicate on a variety of levels.

Outlined in “The Female Brain” (must read book by neuropsychiatrist Dr. Louann Brizendine), a woman’s “communication center” is far larger than a man’s helping her to interpret non-verbal cues, body language, and facial expressions better than men are.

Additionally, women can sense danger and anticipate pain earlier on than men can.

When you consider these realities, it makes sense in light of biological evolution. Women evolved to protect their children, an ability directly related to their awareness around impeding danger.

You don’t have to like these truths, just understand them.

I know that you want a woman to come out and tell you everything that she’s feeling, but the process of communication is far more nuanced than just speaking words, at least from her perspective.

This, of course, requires us to then communicate about communication. To work to understand how each other expresses thoughts and feelings. To understand that she’s processing information about your demeanor frequently, even if you’re not talking out loud.

We, as men, then must put in the effort to learn her tendencies, mannerisms, and ways of saying something without words.

Remember this next time you think she’s being “overly emotional.” Maybe…just maybe…she’s sensing something before you are, and it’s worth looking further into.

3: Her strength is NOT meant to threaten you.

As women have come into their own in recent decades and, in truth, began outperforming men in a myriad of areas, it’s left many men questioning their role in society and relationships.

They wonder what value they could bring to a woman’s life if she already has it figured out.

They worry that a “strong woman” has the intention of overpowering or emasculating them.

This is nothing more than the boogeyman in the closet. In other words: It only exists in our mind.

Women who are truly strong and secure (not women…ahem…or men…who are trying to prove themselves by plowing through other people), have no desire to stand above you.

What they truly want is to find someone who’s strength and fortitude matches theirs. Someone who can be an equal teammate in life and love. Someone who brings equal courage to the table.

Strong women don’t want to overpower you. They want to stand beside you in the storm.

Just because you’re intimidated doesn’t mean she’s intimidating.

4: She watches and feels how consistent you are (or aren’t).

Relationships are built on trust, and trust is built through showing someone that you mean what you say, that your actions align with your words, and that you are who you say you are.

The real indicator of the above criteria being true is consistency. Consistency is shown through genuine and authentic action that doesn’t falter or waver.

This is why it takes time to build trust. Consistency must be observed over time in order to be deemed as genuine… and then once that trust is earned, it must be maintained.

If you’re hot and cold, in and out, giving a part time effort to the relationship, you’re sending her the clear message that something is “off” and you might not be ready for the same levels of commitment.

Many men miss this point in favor of grand, romantic gestures. Those are nice, but they mean nothing if you disappear for awhile after doing them. Smaller and more consistent steps will climb the mountain faster than larger, but far spaced jumps.

5: Cheating comes in MANY forms.

“But, I didn’t actually sleep with her!”

The call of a man who thinks that cheating only happens when sex occurs.

This “her” is someone you’ve been talking to, chatting with, deleting texts from, spending “extra time” at work with, or getting that morning coffee for.

Perhaps nothing physical has happened…but the thought of it plays in your mind.

It’s started to take emotional energy and investment away from your partner.

This, some women would consider, even worse than physical cheating.

Emotional cheating, or the ever-so-reached-for bullshit term of “micro-cheating” is downplayed often by men because it’s not “really” cheating.

It is, though…and has the same, if not worse, impact on a woman’s trust and mental health.

The moment you’ve started to do something you need to hide from her, or something you wouldn’t do right in front of her, is the moment you’ve crossed into emotional or physical infidelity.

6: Your love is worth more than your money.

I believe a big reason why many men feel lost and confused about relationships is that they’ve been conditioned to believe they must be the “provider,” the “breadwinner,” the one who brings home the bacon.

It’s unpredictable what the person you’ll fall in love with will do for a living.

Maybe you will be the breadwinner and you’ll agree that she will stay home with your children. That’s great!

Maybe she makes 5x your salary and you pursue your creative passions while she supports the household. That’s great!

For many men, though, they begin to feel emasculated or “less than” because they’re not the one paying the bills…or, the bills need to be split because they make a modest living.

“What value am I bringing to her life, then?!” they’ll wonder.

The roles of men have evolved over the decades, as has the ways we provide value to the women we love.

Emotional support, understanding, connection, intimacy, affection, love.

All things that money cannot buy.

All things that, in truth, often lack in relationships where money is the sole contribution of a man.

A lot of women, past and present, would’ve preferred a man who was more connected and in-tune with them, but made less money or spent less time working.

Many who were financially taken care of paid with the price of less time, less empathy, less emotional connection from and with their partner.

At the end of the day, you cannot buy love, making it infinitely more valuable than money itself.

7: She’s been let down by men. A lot.

“Why doesn’t she trust me? Why doesn’t she give me a chance? Why are the walls around her heart so high?”

I hate to break it to you, but most women who are tough shells to crack didn’t start out that way.

They were, most likely, just the opposite at first. Maybe even too trusting or open, leading to heartbreak and pain.

It’s important to note that I believe we all must give new partners a fair chance to prove themselves (men and women alike).

Your “next” is not your “ex” and should not pay for their sins.

That, however, doesn’t eliminate the reality that we all carry lessons from our past with us, and it can sometimes make us more hesitant to trust again.

Understanding this truth will help you gain patience and empathy as you walk this journey together.

Try not to take it personally. If you’re a genuine and goodhearted person, she is going to see that eventually, but she needs to do so in her own time, and won’t just believe the words you tell her. Doing that is exactly what led her down the wrong roads in the first place.

BONUS: If you’ve got the strength and fortitude to stick around and show her that you’re the real deal, when she gives you her heart, she’ll do it fully and willingly. The juice is always worth the squeeze.

8: If she has kids, THEY are her priority.

Everyone who’s read my writing knows that my wife had two children before we met. They are now our children, and we’ve been married for more than 3 years.

Especially in the beginning stages, though, I had to accept the realities that come along with dating a mother. Those kids come first, they are her cubs, and she is a fierce and protective mama bear.

This is a new world for a man who’s not used to having kids in the picture, because they are used to winning the affection of a woman.

When kids are involved, you must win the affection of a mother, and her child(ren).

This requires a much different approach and far higher stakes when building trust.

You will only be let in if you can prove to be not just a good partner, but a good potential father figure.

Then, perhaps down the road, you’ll choose to have a biological child of your own together, and you’ll have the advantage of vast and varied experience in the matter before that even happens.

9: She still wants you to step up and “be the man.”

This point usually brings me some flack but I stand by it based on my own personal experiences and what an array of (high-powered and successful) female clients have told me directly.

Just because a woman holds authority and power in her career doesn’t mean she wants to be “in control” in a relationship.

Relationships are not about power and control…ever.

They are about collaboration, communication, and finding a balance that makes you both feel comfortable, safe, and secure.

In many cases (not all, of course) women  (no matter how strong, independent, or successful) want to feel cared for.

They want to know that they don’t always need to be the bull.

They want to know that you’re capable of stepping up, planning dates, being romantic, emotionally connecting, and leading the way at times (wink, wink…)

Of course, every woman, man, and relationship is different…but I also understand that biological truths and tendencies exist, and they (more often than not) reinforce this point rather than dispute it.

10: Sex is NOT the same as intimacy.

“We were intimate last night.”

No, dude. You just had sex.

Intimacy is far more emotional than it is physical. It requires a deep and meaningful emotional bond that pulls two people together in all ways.

It helps you to feel safe and secure with each other, ensuring you both are comfortable opening up to each other (see what I did there?)

Anyone can have sex, but not everyone will put in the time and effort to build intimacy.

Some men, ironically, don’t want to “waste the time” having those deep conversations, they just want to jump right in…

It’s ironic because those very conversations are the things that build an even more fulfilling and connected sex life with your partner. The more connected a woman feels to you emotionally, the more connected she’ll want to be physically.

Let’s not get it twisted: You should never, under any circumstances, fake an emotional connection to get someone into bed.

The only real form of intimacy must be genuine, heartfelt, and mutual.

The rest, from there, will follow.

11: She’s going to find out if you lie to her.

Here’s the truth:

If a woman asks you a pointed and specific question, she probably already knows the answer.

It’s also true that if you’re hiding something from her, it’s only a matter of time until she finds out.

It might be a week, a month, or hell…even a decade, but there’s going to come a time when you need to own up to your mistakes and will be held accountable.

The problem with lying, besides showing your lack of character and integrity, is that it sews doubt in every interaction you’ve had, every word you’ve said, every promise you’ve made.

It doesn’t just exist in the moment, but begins to infiltrate the past in the form of a question that asks: “What else has he lied about?”

It should never enter your reality to lie to the woman you love in the first place…so kudos to you if this point is irrelevant in your life.

For the rest of you, think of it like using a credit card:

It might seem like a good idea at the time, but you’ll still have to pay for it eventually.

12: Complaining is a sign of trust.

“James…what?”

Hear me out:

If a woman opens up to you about her deepest challenges, or insecurities, or just rants to you about her day, it’s a sign that she trusts you enough to let you in to her most private thoughts.

Even more, perhaps, than her friends or members of her own family.

BONUS: A lot of guys resort to their “problem solver” mentality when a woman is talking about a challenge or an issue. They immediately start offering solutions or suggestions, but the truth is that’s probably not what she wants (unless, of course, she asks for it). What’s more likely is that she’s just looking for you to listen and support her as she finds the solution herself.

She’ll feel a lot better having just said these things out loud, and it’s your job to provide the space for her to do so.

13: NEVER criticize her appearance, even if she does.

Every single one of us (no matter what one looks like), has insecurities about their own appearance.

Yes, yes, even those supermodels you see plastered on billboards. Even those fitness heroes on Instagram. Everyone.

In fact, some of the most attractive people have the most severe insecurities, because their audience, or society, or themselves…have intertwined their value with their appearance…an appearance that is often altered or enhanced through photo or video editing.

Therefore they notice every single little flaw, even if it’s not a “flaw” at all.

If you build a life alongside a woman, you’re likely to hear about the things she wants to change about herself.

Her teeth, her hair, her weight, whatever.

(I know that you want to change those things about yourself, too).

I don’t believe it’s ever our job to lie to someone, but I do believe it’s our job to remind her of how wildly sexy we find her and that we support whatever she wants to do in order to enhance her self-image (as long as it’s not harmful or illegal).

I find Rachel to be stunning, adorable, and wildly sexy. When she wants to go and change something about herself to feel better, I fully support it. If she doesn’t want to change something, I also fully support it.

That’s the magic of loving someone, everything about them becomes beautiful to you, even if they don’t see it in themselves.

14: Give her time to decompress.

She’s had a long day.

Her employees are driving her nuts.

The kids wouldn’t listen.

The house is a mess.

Her project for work is late.

Finally, though, she can sit down on the couch and unwind for a minute…

And there you are, “bow chicka wow-wowing” your way right into the bedroom.

She immediately knows what you’re looking for, but also has been pulled in a million directions by a million people all day long.

Give her a bit to chill before you go tiring her out even more.

15: You connect physically, she connects emotionally.

Let’s talk about why #14 and #10 are so important.

For men, our feeling of connection (typically) comes from physical touch. Whether sexual or non-sexual, it signals that this is someone who’s attracted to us, who enjoys our company, and who sees us as more than “just a friend.”

So, we crave that. We focus on that. We do what it takes in order to get it.

Conversely, though, a woman feels a deeper connection through emotional bonds than physical ones.

She seeks the safety and security of trust before the physical happens.

A conundrum, then.

We’ll be looking for the physical touch in order to achieve the emotional connection, but that touch won’t come because the connection hasn’t been formed yet.

Yikes.

Communication. Patience. Understanding. Expressing of needs.

These are all integral parts to finding the middle ground and carving a path together that works for both of you.

16: She’s watching how you interact with people OUTSIDE of your relationship.

Are you actually the genuine and goodhearted man that you’ve made yourself out to be? I certainly hope so, because I’ve committed over a decade to ensuring women that there still are good men left in the world.

How, though, can she know for sure?

“James, I am always nice and caring towards her.”

Great! That makes a big difference…but it still begs the question (see point #7) of: “Is this all just an act?”

One of the ways she’ll determine this is by observing how you treat people that you’re not trying to impress.

The valet, the barista, the bartender, the doorman, your coworkers and friends…

Do people respond well to you, respect you, and admire you? Are you kind to everyone because that’s what’s in your nature? Or, does it appear that you’re just playing a role to win her over, and operating much differently as your true self?

17: The small things honestly do mean more than the big things.

Everyone’s heard it before, but I think some people toss it aside or cast doubt upon it.

How can small things be more meaningful than big things?

Well, the truth is that anyone can do the big things. Anyone can spend a lot of money or plan something elaborate for a birthday, or valentine’s day, or marking a milestone.

What, though, does the rest of the year look like?

What about a random Tuesday?

What about your daily interactions, affection, deep conversations?

Those are the things that show her who you really are. They send the message that you’re willing to put in the effort for no reason at all except that you love and care about her.

18: Her CHOOSING you is more powerful than her NEEDING you.

Some men want to rescue the damsel in distress, but as women become more powerful, those scenarios become less likely (and, for good reason).

The truth is this:

Being wanted is always more powerful than being needed.

Needing someone is an act of desperation, a limiting of options, the message that: “I just see you as a tool to get what I want.” It is, therefore, more fragile because if you stop filling the need this person has, they’ll be off in an instant to find someone else.

Being wanted, however, is a result of someone who has infinite options making the conscious decision to choose you for their own personal reasons. They’ve explored, looked around, understood who else is out there, and have deemed you the best option for them.

That is a decision that remains solid and true, because they’re not constantly looking for the next shiny object to move to.

19: She wants YOU to take care of YOU.

Congratulations! You’re her GUY!

You guys are getting engaged, getting married, maybe having kids (or maybe not), and planning the rest of your life together.

This is an exciting prospect that, if embarking on this journey, both people want to last as long as possible.

This means you taking care of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, as she does the same.

It means staying true to your identity, because that’s the man she fell in love with.

It means continuing to pursue your passions and dreams, because your ambition is inspiring to her.

It means reaching out if you need guidance with your mental or emotional health, because she wants to stay connected in your love together.

It means staying as physically healthy as you can so you can (wink wink) keep up with her, or your kids, or travel together, or simply live a full and vibrant life.

20: She wants you to fully accept and embrace her FOR WHO SHE REALLY IS.

Isn’t this the crux of it all?

Isn’t this the one thing that all of us hope to find someday?

The person who gives us permission to take off the mask, to let down the walls, to bare our secrets and our souls, and to have them say in return:

I see you, and I love you.

For years, men have seen her on the surface, they’ve wanted things from her, they’ve made judgments about her, they’ve dismissed her opinions, they’ve minimized her contributions.

Some of those men, she loved in spite of it all.

Imagine, then, the level of love she can give to a man who actually deserves it. Who sees her for her truest self. Who embraces, accepts, and understands her past, because that’s how she became who she is today.

Imagine being the man who loves everything about her that the wrong men took for granted.

That’s how she will know that she’s finally home.

• My free private newsletter is for those who want unfiltered and actionable insights to live an even better life. Click here to join 20,000+ subscribers.
• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.