To Understand Women, Understand Yourself


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Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, eh? From a young age we are taught that men and women fundamentally speak different languages and see the world differently. While this is true in many ways, it leaves us searching externally for ways to understand these foreign creatures – most times, to no avail.

It’s an age-old concept. Even Oscar Wilde proclaimed that “Women are meant to be loved, not understood.” So…is it even worth trying to explore the female psyche and gain a deeper understanding? Of course it is.

Human psychology is a never ending study that spans the entire existence of our species. Science has barely scratched the surface of understanding consciousness, so it is naturally to confuse and perturb each other now and then. However, I think that some introspection can help us further understand the women we know and love.


Remember that it doesn’t matter what you say, it matters how she feels.

Consider being angry, mad, or sad, and someone saying nice things to try to cheer you up. Even more, consider someone trying to tell you that you should or shouldn’t feel a certain way. Imagine the frustration from having someone outside of your mind try to dictate your emotions.

Imagine a day when your self-esteem is low, and someone tries to tell you that you look great or ‘really should cheer up.’ You can call a woman beautiful or sexy or gorgeous every single day, but if she doesn’t feel it, it won’t get through to her.

You need to make her feel all of these things, and more. In fact, what you don’t say usually matters more than what you do say. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

Human beings are emotional creatures.

This is not to say that we are illogical or don’t use logic in every day situations — but an important part of psychology is understanding how much our decisions are influenced by our emotions. And needless to say, how we feel is a direct impact of our emotional state at the time. How we feel, in turn dictates how we act.

As men, society teaches us to keep our feelings hidden, so we don’t acknowledge them as much, and therefore don’t act on them as women do.

It has always been seen as a negative for a man to be in touch with his ‘feminine side,’ but when people say this, they’re typically referring to someone who is more in touch with his own emotions. Women will naturally gravitate closer to men like this, because they feel they will be better understood.

(Hint: Women, this also means if you want your man to know how you feel about something, you need to tell him. He may not be able to read it on his own).


It’s difficult to compartmentalize.

It’s one thing to say that if you have a bad day at work, you can come home, give your love a kiss, pour yourself a drink, and simply unwind by blocking out the stress until the next day.

More realistically, it will affect your mood and your interactions. This means if she comes home after a bad day, this is exactly the time when men need to shut up and not tell her to ‘get over it’ or that it’s ‘not a big deal’ because these things stay fresh in her mind. Be understanding, be comforting, and she will feel better.

Nobody likes rejection.

I know man, trust me. I’ve been rejected probably more than the average guy. I know how much it sucks and how hard it is to put all of that risk on the table when approaching a woman.

But, a woman’s desire is to be desired. Every [traditional] societal norm, whether you agree with it or not, shows her that she is to be pursued.

Are you waiting for her to make the first move? Stop.

Can you imagine the blow to self-esteem when you are the object of desire, being made to feel undesirable?

She is strong, independent, and might even make more money than you – but she still wants you to be the man.

Men are still men and women are still women. Our biological and evolutionary compositions have given us instincts and documented psychological differences that show different desires. She might spend the day as the boss in the office, but when she gets home, she wants you to kill the spider. Open that jar of pickles. Court her. Take her on dates. Seduce her. Slay the dragon. Be her man.

These are inherent, instinctual desires within you. Men are being made to feel nervous that because today’s women are strong and independent, they don’t want men to be men anymore – but understand that biology is still biology, and just as you have instinctual wants, so does she.


She just wants to be loved.

Honestly, we have allowed our default perception to become that women are some incredibly complicated foreign creatures that nobody in the world has ever been able to decode. I believe that as unique human beings, we are all complicated in our own ways, regardless of gender.

But in the long run, women just want to be cared for, listened to, respected, and sometimes…just loved. The same as anyone else.


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  1. Chris on June 23, 2016 at 8:08 pm

    “You need to make her feel all of these things, and more.” I can hear Wayne Dyer moaning from his grave!

  2. Chris on June 23, 2016 at 8:11 pm

    “This is not to say that we are illogical or don’t use logic in every day situations” Actually, studies by real psychologists have shown that we make almost all of our decisions based on emotion and then use logic to justify them.

  3. To Understand Women, Understand Yourself - on June 27, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    […] respected, and sometimes…just loved. The same as anyone else. This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook. […]

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