Why Selfish People Are Incapable Of Loving You


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There are many perceptions of what “true love” looks like in today’s society. People attempt to quantify it or put characteristics or actions or labels on it – but it is a difficult thing to define since every situation is unique.


Though, once we filter through all of the pop culture interpretations and checklists of what someone who really loves you does or doesn’t do, there is one thing that remains true in all types of “real” love.

Sometimes – it means putting someone else’s happiness ahead of your own.

Love is about compromising with someone, or even sacrificing for them. This is why people can think that love hurts, because if it is one-sided, it will hurt. But the only thing that’s telling you is that you’ve given your heart to the wrong person, because in a situation where it is reciprocated, both people will be willing to give to the other.

For this reason, selfish people can never truly love another, because they will be less willing to compromise. This will inevitably lead to one partner giving more of themselves than the other, which can cause resentment or confusion about feelings that are, or aren’t expressed.

This easily illustrates the importance of communication in all relationships. If a couple isn’t meshing well or is facing an obstacle in their relationship, it first has to be determined that there isn’t simply an easy fixed addressed by opening up to each other and expressing the frustration or challenge. It is not the job of either partner in the relationship to keep track of the good and the bad – it is a mutual, team effort.

It is often forgotten that compromise needs to go both ways in order to actually be effective. the gap left by the distance you’ve budged from what you want is filled by the happiness of your partner. This is why great relationships are about give and give, not give and take.


While I fully believe in giving emotionally to your teammate, I also stress the point that there is such a thing as giving too much (here are some signs that you are). You should never do something for others for the sake of a return – as kindness for the sake of a reward is not really kindness.

If someone truly loves you, you will know it and feel it. If they don’t, you will always be left wondering if they do.

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  1. Em on August 5, 2015 at 12:46 am

    I discovered your blog a few months ago on Yahoo and started subscribing after reading the article and a few archived articles. This is the only blog to which I subscribe; additionally the articles I look forward to reading M-F. Thanks for the great, inspiring blog.



  2. Susan on August 5, 2015 at 4:13 am

    A beautiful and inspiring article!
    I particularly like the thought: “If someone truly loves you, you will know it and feel it. If they don’t, you will always be left wondering if they do.” That is the truth.

    Please keep writing.

  3. […] I did not write this.  It was written by James Michael Sama.  Please read the original article here. […]

  4. w2m on August 5, 2015 at 9:19 am

    Basically where I am right now. It is a sad existence and because I realize that I’m just not happy, I have to end the relationship. Thanks for shedding light on why this seems so hard.

  5. Lisa V on August 5, 2015 at 12:46 pm

    Reblogged this on The Moments Between and commented:
    “If someone truly loves you, you will know it and feel it. If they don’t, you will always be left wondering if they do.”

    Yes. I spent over twenty years wondering that very question and doing mental gymnastics to try to convince myself that he did. It makes so much sense now.

    • Shelby on July 29, 2016 at 6:46 am

      20 years!? Wow. I’m in denial now. Hope it doesn’t take 20 years for me to see.

      • LoveLi on July 29, 2016 at 8:00 am

        I hope it doesn’t take that long for you either!

  6. MeAndDating on August 6, 2015 at 8:02 am

    There are really only two types of people in the world: Givers and Takers. A shocking truth, I know. The best relationship involves two Givers. The worst involves two Takers. The former lasts far longer than the latter.

    • Harry on August 6, 2015 at 6:12 pm

      Very interesting premise. Please do tell, does a “giver” give 100% of the time? Maybe just 90%? Or does a 51%er qualify for the halo?

  7. Alexis B on August 7, 2015 at 11:17 am

    Hm… Good food for thought. I went through a four year relationship where I was the giver.. but at the end, he broke up with me to play around and I felt like I had wasted so much time and energy pouring into something that failed for other reasons. Now, I’m married to a different guy who treats me really well, but sometimes I feel like I’m not as openly generous and self-sacrificing as I used to be because it has burned me. Maybe I’m more selfish now… I don’t know. He doesn’t deserve to reap the punishment of my past relationship, but it’s hard to put yourself back in a position like that.

  8. Why Selfish People Are Incapable of Loving You - on August 7, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    […] Originally appeared on James Sama’s blog. […]

  9. Al on August 9, 2015 at 2:24 am

    Notice how it is women who agree with you. That is because it is not about giving or taking. Giving/Taking is too simple a concept for something as deep, magical, and powerful as true love. It’s about a Commitment to the relationship. True love is Unconditional love, or said otherwise, love that can’t be quantified. Best understood through looking at your children. Sometimes one partner might give and not receive for years, then the tables turn. Your concept of feeling it is also flawed because sometimes one partner is not as outspoken, or older, or not as attractive, or less educated, or anything that will inherently make them feel lesser, but that feeling doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t love you deeply. Plus, men don’t feel in the same manner women do. Women often fall for bad guys because they are looking for what you stated which leads them to men who just tell them what they want to hear. A good liar can always convince a woman she is the only one, thereby making her believe he is the one for her. Truth is ladies, a man always does what he wants. That’s why we are men. If we had listened to women thru out history how many inventions wouldn’t exist because his wife was upset he worked too much or wars won because she didnt want him to go or families fed because the father had to be away from home for months or years to make money to feed the family educate the kids etc. Love is a choice to make a commitment for the better of the future. And when thought of this way, it only grows deeper and stronger as the years pass. Changing from a sexual love to real love. Ladies, if you want to meet a great guy, the key, is study his character. If he is a d*ck to others, he will eventually be a d*ck to you. Good Luck

  10. Dawn on August 14, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    It really is about commitment and trust and wanting your partner to be happy. When you consistently receive that combination, you’ll ‘feel it’ and ‘know it’, you won’t be left wondering. Wondering where you stand with someone can be so stressful and depressing… It’s unecessary as well. No woman (or man) should ever give more of their time to someone where they don’t feel and know they are truly loved.

  11. Kim Freeman on January 8, 2016 at 12:41 am

    I thoroughly enjoyed the article. I’m in a relationship where he spends, no quality or quantity time with me! He is retired! Goes to bed long before its even time, lives in, my home! I’ve tried to get him to leave. I know he has never been the man for me. I drink coffee, he drinks! Makes me sick! There’s no love here. No conversation Boring!!

  12. […] article was originally published at jamesmsama.com. Reprinted with permission from the […]

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