The One Rare Quality Men Want In A Woman


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I was asked a very interesting question once that kept me thinking for quite awhile, so I decided to write something on the topic. I certainly don’t want to sound cynical or judgmental, but I have brushed over the topic lightly in previous articles and I believe it is something a lot of people can relate to.


This was the question:

Are you encouraged by the women you see out there? Or are you as discouraged as most of us girls?

This really made me start to think. I wanted to say that when I was single, I used to meet countless amazing women all the time and guys are the ones who need to change and improve and they would suddenly come across their fairy tale princess because there are so many out there waiting to be swept off of their feet.

But, that’s just not true.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been privileged to meet some incredible human beings of both genders in my travels and I am fully aware that they are out there. I have been fortunate enough to find an amazing woman myself. In fact I find that the vast majority of my readers fit into this category, as they are looking to have meaningful discussions, learn more, and help the rest of us learn more as well. I certainly do not want to generalize everyone here, but I think we can all agree there is a severe lack of one quality in today’s society:


By ‘depth,’ I mean people whose personality is as attractive as their appearance, or even more so. I began thinking about all of the time I spend at events where I have met fantastic people, and then I start thinking of those in our generation(s) who just seem to be caught up in the glitz and glam and wonder – could I really bring her around my family? Could we spend a weekend away somewhere relaxing with family or friends and just…hang out? Not have to do anything, enjoy each other’s company and just – be?

Most often, the answer is ‘eh, probably not.’


Depth, class, integrity, whatever you want to call it – Men are searching for women who they can picture as an equal part of their life. Someone who they can share their passions with and really connect with. Someone who they can have meaningful conversations with. Someone they can sit across from at the dinner table night after night and never get bored.

This is what’s missing.

Not just in women, but in men as well – I realize that. But the majority of my articles are about the shortcomings of the modern man and I truthfully believe there is reflection that needs to be done by both genders if we are really going to solve the problems that are facing our generations in terms of dating and relationships. And this is a big part of it.

This is a big part of it because without this depth we are going to continue along the path we are already on – the hookup culture that judges people on looks and “In a Relationship” just being a Facebook update that doesn’t carry any real meaning. It’s simply an association with another person that can be broken off at any time. We are not taking the time to bond with each other. We are not taking the time to develop ourselves emotionally, which is the only way we will be able to truly relate to another person.

When someone asks me what I want in a partner, in a teammate, one of the first words that comes to mind is: Depth. That is what is going to allow a connection to form, when, and only when – two people have the depth necessary to cultivate it. Physical attraction is important. A great smile is important. Someone who takes care of themselves physically is important. But it is not important enough to bring a couple through hard times. It is not important enough to build a foundation on. It is not important enough to actually make someone want to commit to you.


We, as a society, spend too much time emphasizing the importance of improving the body and not enough time discussing the importance of also improving the mind. Too much of one or the other, and our relationships will flounder.

Needless to say, I am speaking in generalities here. There are thousands upon thousands of great people in the world whom none of this applies to, but my point is – they are hard to find. And, I think we all know that.

Where are the women out there who are concerned with more than just their newest pair of Louboutins or the hottest new nightlife spot? Where are the women who want to build a real, meaningful relationship with a man who wants the same? Where are the women who are going to be up front and honest about their wants and needs?

Stand up, because men are looking for you.


Click here to get my new e-book, The Modern Man’s Guide To Chivalry And Courtship!



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  1. bronzybeat on September 18, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

  2. twoinkstainedhands on September 18, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    I’m standing. And I know quite a few girls that are standing with me. But it seems harder and harder to flaunt your depth in a society where it is frowned upon and rejected as the norm. When you’re seen as a freak to most guys, and the ones that are interested don’t vocalize their appreciation, it is very difficult to live. Being deeply connected to another person is a scary thought, and so our culture has deemed it acceptable to show only the most superficial and normalized aspects of our personality. I’m just saying, it takes a lot of guts to be deep, and even more to expose it to the world at large.

    • erlenstar on September 18, 2014 at 8:30 pm

      well said. I am an open book on dates and just say it like it is and figure if they don’t like my honesty and openness then they are not right for me. We cannot conform or change or good values just because society has other ideas. Keep standing strong!

      • twoinkstainedhands on September 18, 2014 at 9:00 pm

        Thanks. There is a fine line dividing brutality and overbearance from confidence in oneself, the ultimate manifestation of self-worth. We must make sure we are happy with our choice of values before we commit to nonconformancy. I agree with you. Stay strong. (:

    • Kashif12 on October 21, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      Well Said

    • chronopolize on October 24, 2014 at 4:56 am

      Well said.

    • Anonymous on October 24, 2014 at 4:56 am

      It doesn’t take guts to be “deep”, it takes effort and time. Wisdom over knowledge and the ability to embrace one’s ignorance allowing personal growth is what constitutes “depth”. I feel if you were truly as deep as you’re claiming to be you wouldn’t be viewed as a freak by anyone, but rather a role model. Personally when I come across someone who clearly has a head on their shoulders I instantly start taking mental notes, and if you radiate this wonderful quality as you claim you do, others would do the same.

      • twoinkstainedhands on October 24, 2014 at 7:58 pm

        By depth, I meant integrity and originality. My views about people, I must admit, are narrowed to my current experiences in high school. I assure you that all I wrote has a basis in fact, as pertaining to teenage boys.

  3. […] The One Rare Quality Men Want In A Woman. […]

  4. Susan on September 18, 2014 at 6:40 pm

    This is so true. The problem for many is that if they don’t have the looks to attract someone, that person’s depth is hardly noticed, in my opinion. It’s a sad commentary on our society.

    • twoinkstainedhands on October 24, 2014 at 8:13 pm

      I agree.

    • hunnymiel44 on June 24, 2015 at 9:48 pm

      That’s true sometimes, but have to say i’ve met some gorgeous women (more inside than outside) and they have NO problem attracting men way more physically attractive than themselves. When you vibrate like that… The men pop up and stay attracted. It has to be real.

  5. Mary Brown on September 18, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    So u r a woman writing this article hmmmm?go back please n read what you wrote please us girls. Thanks

    • Tina on September 18, 2014 at 7:17 pm

      Maybe you should go back and read what you wrote. Maybe reading the entire article might help too. Just saying. -_-

  6. Tina on September 18, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    *stands up*


  7. Nancy Cokinda on September 18, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    Depth used to be a revered quality. Look at the Beat generation of the 50’s–when I was growing up. Look at the academic and spiritual growth that led us through the 60’s. It all seemed to crash sometime around the 80’s. I’ve challenged Baby Boomers like myself to connect, or re-connect, with Generation Y—grand-children age—and help mutually mentor each other. I have two Generation Y young males—both European born and raised—attractive, educated, and who have depth, and are still looking for a female equal who has depth. Not a needy or helpless or shallow or flaky female. They keep me up to speed on current issues and technology, and I keep them connected to a “Galadrial” style—grandmother of the Elves in Lord of the Rings-type of young male rearing—something smart grandmothers did back in the old day for their grandsons. Give them nurturing, respect, encouragement, and self-empowerment, without judging. Their mothers are Generation X, are self-absorbed, untrained themselves, and have no skills in this. This is what Grandmothers are for. When they tell you about a serious girlfriend candidate, and want your input, then you know you are succeeding in helping to raise another fine young gentleman to make his way in the world, and win the heart of a quality young woman. And make wonderful great-grandchildren! That is how we ensure quality in our future generations. And James, I have both these young men following your blogs! I also have a 27 year old niece in grad school whom I instructed to follow your blog as well. I told her to listen to your lessons for the young men, and then dance it backwards! She is doing it.

  8. jblondie09 on September 18, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Most of us (not all) do have depth. The problem lies in immediate gratification. We all either don’t give people enough time to display their depth or we show it way too fast and to such a large degree that it’s overwhelming. Interesting article…but flawed thanks to modern day society.

    • Kelly on October 21, 2014 at 3:59 am

      Either you are on some of that “everyone is wonderful, everyone is great, we all equal” bs or you just keep within a nice little circle of people who share the traits mentioned in this article and haven’t had to venture beyond that. Because I can assure you, there are a lot of people who you would _never_ describe as having depth.. unless maybe in a scientific sense, if you were studying them or something as the creatures that humans are, then yes it’s all very interesting. But having a conversation, or harder still, many conversations? Pure plastic.

      • jblondie on October 21, 2014 at 4:13 am

        Actually…do to my job I talk to people all day every day…and not the same ones in a “nice little circle.” I don’t believe in BS but I do believe in TREATING everyone equally. And I stand by my point…MOST (not all) of us DO have depth. Maybe you’re the one that should venture outside of your own circle.

      • jesse dasilva (@fitnessguru91) on October 25, 2014 at 12:29 pm

        Maybe all of your common conversation are plastic and have no real meaning cause that is how you choose to feel. I appreciate and enjoy every conversation I have with people around me it is not some fake plastic as you claim unlike all the social networking site that say you have 1000 friends and a bunch of bs likes.

  9. Rachele on September 18, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    Depth is what I have and have always had and it seems that most men (or at least the ones I meet) just don’t care about my ‘depth’. They just want to ‘hook up’ or dress you up or expect you to be high maintenance because you are good looking. I meet guys and they are so taken by me that they ask me move in right away or I can tell they used to date ‘barbie’ who took them for everything so now when they meet a decent girl with ‘depth’ who isn’t looking for anything or wanting to take their money, they cannot appreciate what they have in front of them! It is frustrating but I just keep being me and meeting and meeting and meeting until someday that one special guy will actually see that I am just me with no agenda or motives, just want to meet a nice guy I’m attracted to so we can share good times together for the long term. Why is that so hard? I have even figured I better travel overseas to meet people and maybe their attitudes will be different?

    -a single girl who just keeps on trying and staying true to herself and not settling for less because I want more!

  10. steffyflores3 on September 18, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Thank you so much for writing this – I agree with everything you said.

  11. Mrs305 on September 19, 2014 at 7:25 am

    Really great article. I can definitely appreciate the viewpoint here, but agree with many of the comments. It is difficult to show the depth when no one particularly wants to look deep enough. Many men are so timid sometimes, that I have noticed, that they don’t voice their opinions, or are overbearing and don’t take time to notice anyone who doesn’t immediately stand out. I believe it is a catch 22; damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario, and one that needs to be broken. If more people raised their children to have the depth and appreciate it, there would be more “equals” (male and female) out there. Instead, many of us women are told we have old souls, are too opinionated, or completely overlooked.

  12. Jason Ellis on September 19, 2014 at 10:07 am

    Inspiring ideas you have written here, I hope, most of us can be broad like you are. Thank you for posting this, I like the idea you imparted to us.

  13. txcajn on September 19, 2014 at 10:38 am

    Where are those men? The ones who will appreciate the depth of a woman. The ones who WANT a real relationship and not just a hookup?

  14. melb on September 20, 2014 at 10:06 am

    Wow this help alot thanks

  15. Annette on September 20, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    One of the problems is that if men want to find a woman who is more interested in them than the latest $500 pair of designer shoes then they need to look for women who can be confident regardless of the fashion on their bodies. Depth is an internal quality and can’t be seen in a pair of designer heels. Where are all the men who are willing to have a conversation that doesn’t start with “you’re gorgeous (sexy, etc)” and with “what really turns you on mentally”?

  16. […] You begin to have a much greater appreciation of someone’s depth. […]

  17. Joe on September 22, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Got to say James, I don’t think depth is a rare quality. Everyone has it – at least everyone I’ve ever met. People are just so distracted by the superficial (think someone also commented about instant gratification) that they fail to see it.

    • hunnymiel44 on June 24, 2015 at 9:41 pm

      I agree. I don’t think depth is so much lacking, as it isn’t appreciated as it should be. That being said I’ve been lucky enough to meet a lot of appreciators. In my experience, being myself has allowed guys to open up the part of themselves that is deeper. I think it’s mutual… Deep people attract deep people. If you’re not deep, don’t expect to find it, because you won’t know how to recognize it. I’m lucky to be super outgoing and so am not easily intimidated by guys and can jump in and pull people into my space and talk about deeper things, but admittedly that’s not something that’s normally easy for most. Bottom line is whatever qualities a guy is looking for… He has to possess already, as well as go to those places where like-minded people will go. Echoing what someone else said, if you go for the super made up, toned to an inch of her life gal… Don’t expect much interest in philosophical or deeper intellectual discussions. You want the naturally pretty, air kissed gal who is just as much at home in cut off shorts and a t shirt as she is in something more fashionable. If you’re attracted to a perpetual fashion plate, good luck. It takes 2-3 hours if not more to look like that. Where’s the time to cultivate anything else?

  18. Shannon Loe on September 22, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    in my experience, most men i’ve met are freaked out by depth, but i’m thinking they probably weren’t interested in experiencing anything deep to begin with. when a man is ready for a quality relationship, only then will he appreciate the depth of a woman. i can imagine it goes both ways as well.

  19. jenmoff on September 23, 2014 at 12:34 am

    Praise the Lord.

    Here is a fine article articulating a bit of humanity that seems to wither with the upcoming season.

    Mindful women and men are continuing to rise and shine. Finding each other seems to be the trick.

    Thanks as always James.

    Jen 🙂

  20. 8 Ways Dating Changes As You Get Older - on September 23, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    […] You begin to have a much greater appreciation of someone’s depth. […]

  21. 5 Ways Women Push Good Men Away | James Michael Sama on September 23, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    […] Regardless of how great she looks or what other interests we may share, a mature man who wants a serious relationship is going to crave meaningful intellectual conversations as well as an emotional connection. If it is not present, eventually she will be unable to keep his attention in the long term. I discuss this in further detail in a recent article about depth. […]

  22. Maegan on September 23, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    I am woman who is definitely interested in far more things than fashion and pop culture. I’m studying to be a lawyer and have majorly nerdy passions in politics. theology, ect. Maybe you’re right in that I’ve never had a difficult time keeping a boyfriend. I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for three years and the one before him for three years as well. Men may enjoy those qualities in a woman, but unfortunately, many women do not. It’s easy to make friends with men when you have this ‘depth’ quality you refer to, but it’s difficult to make friends with women who find those interests to be boring and too intense. Opinionated women who have hobbies, passions, long-term career goals…these types of women often feel like they are different from all the girls around them. I’ve often wished I was like my sister and cared most about shopping and looking beautiful every day. I’ve wished my favorite conversation topic dealt with the latest gossip and shopping trends rather than political stories and school. It’s nice to know though that guys want that.

  23. Ruby on September 24, 2014 at 12:13 am

    I’m here but I rarely get noticed. I tend to get buried in books while many guys around me are more interested in girls they consider prettier and much more exciting. It’s not that I look like a creepy beast or anything. I don’t fall in love easily and it’s going to take a while for any guy to get to know me, because I’m more comfortable with starting as friends first. Maybe that’s why some guys don’t have enough patience with me, but I’m not going to change how I am just to please them.

  24. Jonathan on September 30, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    Good article. I am one of those people who has depth and sometimes I meet people that admire me and they say it’s because I am real. I met a lovely woman about 7 months ago. We talk everyday, she likes the attention. She is very interesting and offers a perspective that I am not used to seeing in a lady. I also use some of our back and forth, as fuel for the 3 lullabies and 14 poems I wrote for her. They make her feel special and adored. I find it sad that no one ever wrote her a poem before. Sometimes she says I am so nice to her, well maybe its time to sit back and enjoy it, you deserve it. 🙂 I’m just a man, nothing more, who fell for the beautiful, girl next door. 🙂

  25. […] a generalization, it is safe to admit that there is a certain depth (there’s that word again) lacking when it comes to how men are being taught to approach, and subsequently treat women. If we […]

  26. elle on October 20, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    You’re not going to find her at the “latest night life spot” because she’s playing her banjo in a barn at her neighbor’s house. Part of the problem is that we should find people that we are interested in at places where we are doing things that we enjoy. Not at a bar or in a nightclub. Take a class and learn something new, participate in a local “MeetUp” group that does something you like to do, travel and stay at a hostel where people are more engaged in the experience than just seeing the sites… There are PLENTY of women out there, many of whom I am great friends with, whom are incredible and passionate about live and have meaningful and “deep” experiences on a daily basis. You want someone with depth, you’re likely looking in the wrong places… Meaning you’re probably lacking the same feature you are searching for, no offense.

    • James Michael Sama on October 20, 2014 at 3:57 pm

      Elle, thanks for your comment. I certainly hope you are not referring to me when you say I lack the same feature I am searching for. I would think that would be glaringly obvious considering the hundreds of articles I have written on topics such as this….

      In addition, the exact advice you gave is advice I give in multiple other articles, so I completely agree with you. I just certainly hope your assumption from my words here is not that I spend ANY time in nightclubs, nor do I suggest others do if they want to find somebody serious. I think that is common knowledge.

      I was just using it as an example, as I tend to do.

      Anyway, thanks again for reading and commenting.

      – James

  27. David on October 22, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    You put into words what I have been seeing in my life for a long time. I have worked very hard to develop my own personal depth, becoming versed in several different areas, becoming an accomplished poet, honing skills of etiquette, always acting the gentleman, and learning how to listen. Despite all of this, I am struggling to find a woman to spend forever with me. I know a lot of gorgeous, nice girls, but the few with depth are already taken… But she is out there. I am determined not to settle for less, either in myself or in her!

  28. Thobeka Goba on October 22, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    This is absolutely well written, honest and to the point. It’s definitely something worth thinking about!

  29. L KAT on October 22, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    Thank you for the insight. However, you’re words come to life in my everyday vision. I’m standing. I’m here. I’m interesting, attractive, compassionate, adventurous and considerate but the one thing I don’t have is fragile insecurities that can be latched on to in order to make someone look like the man. This is why we are still standing. It seems men look for the girls who don’t have the confidence to stand up; thus these women don’t have to get inline with the rest of us. Depth sounds great, but it’s not desired. What men want is sex, a good time and no responsibility.

  30. Raj - on October 23, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Thank you for putting this out there.

    I find that it is always women complaining about guys, but aside from my female friends, I too have a hard time meeting women who I feel I can connect with.

    Having the same problem findings guys with depth as new friends as well.

    Thought the whole problem was just a regional thing…

  31. kcoutts on October 23, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    The girls with depth… are already attached to someone, and are not hanging out in nightlife hotspots cruising to meet men. The ones with no depth are the very ones you will meet, desperately trying to meet someone who finds them interesting enough to keep. Depth is irresistible to most, so they are rarely available as they have many male friends waiting for an opening. They are doing activities they enjoy where they meet even more men. When they say all the good ones are taken, it is because they are! For those who are single and still looking, keep doing the activities you enjoy and cultivate your own depth and you will naturally meet others.

    • hunnymiel44 on June 24, 2015 at 9:59 pm

      Yes, yes and yes. As a gal, i notice most of my fellow women have a tendency to over fixate on getting married, but don’t spend A lot of time cultivating their own layers. I’ve never known a gal who actually loved life to stay single long. When you’re passionate about something… Anything other than romance… People notice and are attracted. Just watch out for immediate gratification. It kills romance.

  32. Kara D on October 23, 2014 at 10:58 pm


    very well put here. I think human beings on a very basic level crave this. Depth offers the opportunity for connectedness, which I’ve never met a person who doesn’t want to connect with people in a real way. Unfortunately shared depth requires some vulnerability, which is a risk I’ve often been too afraid to take. But you’re right, if we (in general) are reflections if our culture, and culture places a low value on depth…we have a problem.

  33. Ivy on October 24, 2014 at 2:07 am

    What you really mean to say is that you want a woman who is hot AND has a personality. Maybe there are just not enough hours in the day? I spend my spare time cultivating depth, as well as health. I’m not very interested in clothes or shoes or dying my hair or painting my face. In my observations, the men my age are interested in dating 20 year olds. Maybe that’s why you haven’t found a lot of depth? Maybe you are looking in the wrong places. All the ladies who are cultivating depth don’t look the way you want them to. <3

    • Ruby on October 25, 2014 at 4:30 am

      Sad but true – totally agree with you. Dudes, you can’t have it all. Dudes like that make even women with depth feel like they’re still not good enough.

  34. Sheila on October 26, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    I’m standing up, but not finding the men that value depth……where are they hiding? Problem is that men are visual beings, so if you don’t have the looks and a great body to first attract them, then they never get to know what a gem you are in your personality. You say that men want depth, but most (I won’t say all) don’t wait or take the time to find it. So unless you have it all (looks, body AND depth), the dating world is rather bleak.

  35. Megyn on December 11, 2014 at 8:21 am

    Totally agree! I just turned down a date with a man recently, because while he was handsome, funny and a successful entrepreneur, he had not depth. He identified totally with the glitz and glam. I need someone that when the shit is hitting the fan, or if we had nothing, we would have plenty to do and talk about. Love your posts James! Keep ’em coming.

  36. […] a generalization, it is safe to admit that there is a certain depth (there’s that word again) lacking when it comes to how men are being taught to approach, and subsequently treat women. If we […]

  37. Bella on December 22, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    “Where are the women out there who are concerned with more than just their newest pair of Louboutins or the hottest new nightlife spot? Where are the women who want to build a real, meaningful relationship with a man who wants the same? Where are the women who are going to be up front and honest about their wants and needs?”

    Are you kidding me?!

    This article could so very easily be re-written and re-titled as “The One Rare Quality We Want in a Mate.” I know you go into it in the article, but from the title you’re suggesting that women are dim-wits and finding one who isn’t interested in shoes or clubs is “rare.” Pfft. Disappointing, Mr. Sama.

    • James Michael Sama on December 22, 2014 at 3:00 pm


      Yes, I did get into it in the article. I clearly stated I wrote this article as a response to a woman who was asking me about my outlook on the other women in my generation. This, as stated, is why this article is focused on women…

      And from my perspective, which is shared by many of my male peers, it IS rare. Hence the title.

      So I am not sure exactly what is disappointing to you – the clearly explained root of the subject matter, or the accuracy of the points made when seen from the standpoint of a 20-something who has had his share of experience in the dating pool.

      Thanks for reading,

      – James

  38. Reanne Stewart on December 23, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    I am not sure how to feel about this. I guess my experiences are not quite supportive of the want of depth by a man. Maybe I am not around the right men. I have been told many times that I am intimidating because I am pretty, intelligent and independent. And too many times it comes down to “I would rather keep you as a friend”. Everyone asks for truth, integrity and depth in a relationship, but when it comes down to that moment, they fear it. Where is the line between having depth and these other qualities with intimidation and fear? Current generations are being taught, by many influences, to be superficial and judgmental. If it gets too much more than that, vulnerabilities show and individuals lose control of the relationship. I am not sure how hard it is to find a woman with depth, but It is rare to find a man who truly wants a woman of depth.

  39. Kitchen on December 24, 2014 at 1:54 am

    Here’s my story (at least the recent stuff)
    I’m a 6’1″ 165lb guy. I think I’m relatively kinda-good looking (talk about shallowness eh?) In High school I was a very unpopular skinny nerd, but since college I’ve fallen into the lifestyle of chasing the hot girls at nightclubs and I’ve had a couple girlfriends and we’ve had good sexual chemistry but never had a meaningful connection. I’ve never been able to spend a couple days alone with my partner and have a sweet fun time. Usually, they’d drive me nuts. Or they’d make me feel terrible. So I decided to be single for a while.

    Recently, I started a new job and one of my colleagues is an extremely talented, confident, funny girl. Physically, I don’t know if there’s attraction (she’s like 5″2, 180lbs) I’m shallow, again, I know. But when I make her laugh (I’m getting pretty good at it) or she makes me laugh it sticks with me all day and I go to bed smiling to myself. It took me a few weeks of working with her to open up and be myself around her (star wars jokes and dry puns don’t usually work in the club) and now I feel like I could see myself with this girl. She’s got it together, she’s head and shoulders better at her job than the rest of the staff and confident in her abilities. I mean she’s organized and wierd and silly and goofy and loud and strange. I really like her and I think our strange friendship makes me feel better about myself. Better than I’ve felt in a long time.

    She doesn’t talk about politics or philosophy or history a lot (although I think she probably could). I don’t think you have to do that to be “deep”. I don’t think you should look for a person with “depth”…. but rather a relationship with “depth”. By that I mean a relationship that is built around more than sexual attraction, or monetary allure. If someone can make you laugh, I mean REALLY laugh…. more like a moment of joy than a moment of laughter….. I think that’s a really good indicator there’s something there.

    I guess my message to guys is: Don’t be afraid to look in different places (or different shapes) for that connection and also that it takes time for any sort of real connection to build.

    As for the physical part, that remains to be seen. We’ll have to wait and see if anything develops but I’m gonna go for it, because I enjoy being around her, and it’s nice going to bed happy. Obviously working together complicates things, but who knows maybe it could work. Maybe I’ll come back and update in a week or two.

    Great Blog James

  40. Vanessa Chua on December 24, 2014 at 3:50 am

    Thank you for your post. Absolutely agree that, there are many men out there which I have met, sadly have no depth to their personality or character, (I’m pretty sure ladies too) Most dates are very on the ‘surface’ – which to me is definitely boring and predictable. Frustrating really. I think both genders really do need to ponder on this and really live life. I know that everyone is afraid to open up and be vulnerable but how does one really live just on the surface.

    Everything is on high speed, to click, to meet, to date, to sleep with each other.. There’s no time to really savor and get to know the person.

  41. […] that we love and appreciate mature, driven, intelligent women. They happen when I write about how men crave depth and integrity in women. I am frequently questioned by women who possess these qualities but feel […]

  42. […] that we love and appreciate mature, driven, intelligent women. They happen when I write about how men crave depth and integrity in women. I am frequently questioned by women who possess these qualities but feel […]

  43. […] between a girl whose primary interests include sparkly shoes and the Kardashians, and a woman with depth who you can have a real, meaningful conversation […]

  44. maryjprobz on April 15, 2015 at 9:26 am

    Reblogged this on My Blog and commented:
    I like my man with substance!

  45. Daniel Kroker on April 29, 2015 at 2:16 am

    I really thought this was going to awful, but by the time I got to these sentence’s: “Someone who they can have meaningful conversations with. Someone they can sit across from at the dinner table night after night and never get bored…” I was ready to stand up and clap. That’s it – that’s the dream. Took me 30 years to find someone I could that with, but I’m finally there and I’m eternally grateful.

  46. Andrea on April 29, 2015 at 8:28 am

    Dear Mr Sama,
    I originally wrote this as a reply to my sister’s post, and wrote that this is what I would say to you if I could talk to you. But now I am posting it as a comment in the hopes that you read it. The reason why you find there is a lack of women with depth is probably because you are looking in the wrong places. You want ‘people whose personality is as attractive as their appearance.’ But people who have depth and integrity very often are not massively attractive on the outside at first glance. People who worry about their outer appearance are often too busy taking care of their outer looks to acquire any depth. You want a woman with whom you can just relax with and ‘hang out’ and do nothing special? You are very unlikely to find that with someone who spends hours on her hair and makeup and works out in her free time.
    I am sorry but I have met loads of beautiful women who have been left on the shelf because they are not glamourous and skinny – the package which men want to unwrap. They are not conventional beauties.
    That quality you are looking for is not rare. You are just looking in the wrong place.
    I challenge you to out and do some more research. Talk to ‘bigger’ women, women who don’t dye their hair and cover it in hairspray, women who don’t wear makeup, women who go to church, women that are older than 25. You might find more depth there. If you don’t, write another article saying it really IS a rare quality, because I don’t think it is.

    • James Michael Sama on April 29, 2015 at 9:09 am

      Hi Andrea,

      Thanks so much for your comment, and I do agree with you – in fact I am in a very happy relationship with a woman who inspires many of the articles I write because of her amazing qualities.

      This article is not about me, it is a reflection of the conversations I have with men frequently about their experience in the dating world.

      This article is reflective of both genders in my generation, which I feel to be generally lacking depth in many ways, but very well may be just less likely to express it to others.

      I appreciate your feedback and I completely agree with what you are saying, perhaps it is not as rare as I suggest, but in many cases, it is difficult to uncover.

      All the best,

      – James

  47. […] When someone asks me what I want in a partner, in a teammate, one of the first words that comes to mind is: Depth. That is what is going to allow a connection to form, when, and only when – two people have the depth necessary to cultivate it. Physical attraction is important. A great smile is important. Someone who takes care of themselves physically is important. But it is not important enough to bring a couple through hard times. It is not important enough to build a foundation on. It is not important enough to actually make someone want to commit to you.”-The One Rare Quality Men Really Want […]

  48. Blue Skeyes on April 29, 2015 at 8:10 pm

    I’m way too lazy to read all of the comments, so maybe someone already brought this up but…
    Why, if you are talking about men and women, would the very first picture you use be (so obviously) two men?

    • James Michael Sama on April 29, 2015 at 8:13 pm

      You may not believe me when I say this…but I honestly had absolutely no idea that was two men until you just pointed it out. Haha, woops!

      • Blue Skeyes on April 29, 2015 at 10:06 pm

        Haha. I do believe you. I’m just super detail-oriented. And deep… 😉

  49. Eni on April 30, 2015 at 1:03 am

    where are men like that?

  50. Luchia on April 30, 2015 at 1:26 am

    Would the real slim shady please stand up

  51. Connie on May 2, 2015 at 5:10 am

    This is bs. If the outside package doesn’t look good enough men don’t care about depth.

  52. Cyn on June 18, 2015 at 8:11 pm

    I thought this was a wonderful article, you are so right about finding someone with depth in today’s world not being easy. This is what I am looking for & hope to find…someday…

  53. jenniferbingham463 on June 18, 2015 at 10:41 pm

    I find the friends that i have attracted in my life are full of fun and depth..finding my male partner whom is full of depth with intelligence, humor and that special chemistry well I gather he’ll be right on time to meet me and I him. Being receptive to him and willing to share my depth humor intelligence all of me will bring him only a matter of time.

  54. Dalitso on June 20, 2015 at 5:33 am

    Thank you !

  55. zawy1 on November 2, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    How do you define depth?

    Here is my attempt for both men and women: Confident enough in self to completely surrender heart, mind, body, and soul to the one he/she loves more than self….as long as the response is equal.

    All the talk about intelligence, experience, money, and appearance are missing the mark. This are like pre-requisites to further investigation. Depth seals the deal. But great depth can make up for a lot.

    Qualities that seem related to this:
    1) comfortable and content with self.
    2) honest.
    3) not a whiner
    4) no preoccupation with appearance

    The 4 above can be summed up as “mature”.

    Women who know how to let a man be a man is a big plus, as is men who know how to be manly when given permission. 🙂

    • Helen on May 10, 2016 at 12:19 am

      Right on point ! I couldn’t have said it better . Being real and be able to accept the goods with the bad .

  56. zawy1 on November 2, 2015 at 5:35 pm

    Many here have mentioned “not preoccupied with appearance”. The Wikipedia article on narcissism is very enlightening in describing why they do not have any depth. Other searches will explain why it is a total disaster to end up involved with a narcissist. Their unconscious low self esteem is a road block to deep intimacy. Conscious low self esteem is not attractive to someone who is confident, but it is not a block to being able to have deep intimacy with a deeply trusted someone special, who usually also has low self-esteem.

    Intelligence is deeply connected to depth and maturity, but it is definitely not the key. The “depth” I seek is the ability to be “deeply” in love, not the ability to have a deep conversation.

  57. Akesha on February 22, 2016 at 9:11 pm


  58. One Quality Men Look For – SOLO MAGAZINE on May 3, 2016 at 11:08 pm

    […] curiosity is just one aspect of the larger symptom. James Sama identifies the one quality men look for in a […]

  59. Jim on April 30, 2020 at 7:59 am

    A good woman is a very rare find these days for many of us single men really looking. And today most women have very high standards, along with their very high unrealistic expectations as well.

  60. BW on August 9, 2022 at 3:04 pm

    Just too many very brain damage women nowadays unfortunately, especially the ones that have no manners and personality at all when it comes to many of us single guys.

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