Why It Doesn’t Matter When You Go “All The Way”
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[social_warfare]
That’s right, I said it.
For as long as I can remember, there has always been a terrible stereotype about girls who “put out” too soon. This could be the first, second, third, or however many dates she personally thinks are “right.”
The words thrown at girls who do this are usually mean and unjustified. I say usually because obviously there are girls who don’t only put out on the first date, but they put out on every first date. This is much different than acting on a strong connection you feel with someone.
The more important question here is, what would you rather be more true to? Your own instincts and feelings, or the perception of what others would think of you if they found out?
I know of situations where weeks were spent with someone and nothing ever happened, and also situations that things physically escalated quickly, but the flame continued to burn.
I think if you’ve got a true connection with someone – there is really no reason to wait. As a guy, I can confidently say that if I genuinely enjoy a woman’s presence in my life, even if we go all the way on the first date, why would I not want to continue that and see her again?
Plus, what if you wait too long, develop an emotional attachment, commit to each other, but then find out after that physically, the spark just isn’t there? That could create an even more uncomfortable situation. You always test drive a car before you buy it, right?
If he doesn’t call, it’s not because of when “it” happened. It’s because he didn’t feel a connection.
I say, do what you feel is right. But if you feel it’s right every first date with every guy, you may have to raise your standards.
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I used to think that this was true. I think it is a common mistake that women in their 20s make, thinking that just because they feel there is this tremendous connection very early on (like a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date) that the guy must be feeling it too. Truth is, men’s emotions don’t get involved until way later. If you cut short the opportunity for those to develop by giving into physical attraction too soon, you kill the chances of those emotions ever developing for real. He might stick with you awhile… until he’s bored- but he will never develop genuine feelings.
Likewise with trying to re-kindle a dying relationship, or a recently ended one, by using sex. Doesn’t work. All you will be doing is entertaining him until he finds someone he likes better.
That sound a bit sexist and cynical, as a man, I sometimes feel very emotionally invested sometimes not at all.it is extremely off putting if a young lady decides that she “isn’t going to put out” because of perception of my level of interest or peoples expectations of the act. every relationship, by definition is Binary and should only contain the two people involved and their feelings. If you desire someone and they desire you, why does it matter if its 2 days or 2 months?
I agree JC. In my work with people, I find that men can feel an emotional bond quickly and sometimes a woman does not. There is no hard and fast rule (no pun intended). So, what is between two people should never be judged by anyone else. It is between the two of them. If the spark is there and both parties agree, then there is no harm. What happens afterward, and the sometimes psycho responses (men as well as women) can be the true measure of if the other person continues to have the same spark. Act crazy and as if you own someone because you had sex, and you can be sure it will not last long. This is the mistake people make- its not the sex that ruins it; its our response to having had sex. Start blowing up the other’s phone, making unannounced visits at their home or office, mention that you are in a relationship with them on social media without their consent, etc. That’s what ruins the future of any “getting to know you” period.
100 % agree Maya! Well said.
I agree with Maya here. Men are biologically wired to not be committed once sex happens. It takes them longer to develop feelings, by nature. It has nothing to do with sexism and everything to do with biology. Plus, you as a woman really do have to create the emotional side of the relationship/show him how you expect to be treated. No matter how great the guy is as a person; people relate to each other differently, and he’ll react to how you treat yourself. Having sex before the emotional intimacy is there FOR HIM will make him think you don’t respect yourself, and therefore he won’t either.
That said, the girl doesn’t have to (and shouldn’t!) behave as though she has no desire for him or “suppress” it. Ever heard of “fooling around”? “Necking”? I mean, jeez. Since when did we all have to jump straight to fucking? BTW, that will help you find out if the chemistry’s there first, too.
“If he doesn’t call, it’s not because of when “it” happened. It’s because he didn’t feel a connection.”
This right here just quieted a lot of things in my head. I needed that, thank you.
This is real. Also, I hate when women hold out thinking it’ll make you want to be with them because they think you’re a “nice guy” but they’ll sleep with a hot guy they can’t bring home to their parents on the first night like its nothing. No man wants to hear he was a safe conservative choice you want to play cookie cutter with when it’s obvious you get down. Just be real
But if I’m woman enough to let you know that I’m down for the cause and we get busy, kindly don’t be an asshole and treat me like a leper afterwards. Why do so many guys not communicate their disinterest? Why am I and many other women left to “take the hint”? I’m a big girl; I can take it.
lol, this is awesome
I decided to wait to have sex with my boyfriend even though I felt an immediate attraction to him both physically and emotionally. Turns out I was the first girl who ever made him wait, and by waiting he gained respect for me. He admitted that because we waited it made him like me more because it reassured him that I didn’t just give it up to anyone.
Maybe I’m projecting, maybe I’m processing my own thoughts more clearly and critically than I was when I first read this article but I feel as though to suppress sexual desire is to not be true to one’s self. I sometimes think that as a woman who likes sex and refuses to deny myself a pleasure that I enjoy responsibly and with abandon (I know that sounds contradictory but I promise it makes sense), traditional relationships as defined by society are not for me. And I’m starting to think that’s okay.
Sally, well said!
My now-boyfriend said the exact same thing. This is true for many.
I prefer to make sex on myself
I agree with you Hurley.
Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but what I’m gathering from the ladies is that the key to a woman finding a real connection with a man is to glue your legs shut until the guy confesses undying love…hmm.
I don’t think that was the point exactly…I think it’s important to let feelings besides physical attraction settle in before having sex with them personally. I waited until at least the 3rd date to decide to do it, but i was on my period at the time, so we had to wait another week or so but i’m glad i waited that extra week because i really feel like it gave us the chance to enjoy each others’ company without the whole sexual complications at the beginning of the relationship making things confusing. On top of that, I feel like the wait definitely made it that much more exciting, intimate, and rewarding for both of us. My boyfriend used to be quite the player so he appreciated the chase and wait since he’s dated girls that are willing to sleep on the first date that he lost interest in quickly cause the buildup was just never there.
Beautifully said. Thanks for being so rational & honest! I wish I could get more people to understand this concept.
[…] If he still pulls the trigger early on, don’t get discouraged. […]
I love this. I’ve always felt that it all depends on the person. It doesn’t always work, trusting the “connection” but this post is true in the sense where it’s all “to each his/her own”. Kudos.
-Kira
“Truth is, men’s emotions don’t get involved until way later. If you cut short the opportunity for those to develop by giving into physical attraction too soon, you kill the chances of those emotions ever developing for real.”
So true. If a relationship does develop, trust often becomes an issue. Going all the way on a first date is the recipee for heartbreak and even for some men. A true gentleman doesn’t take offense for that but will appreciate it and a lady doesn’t go all the way on a first date anyway.
It’s impossible to evaluate connection after just one date. On first dates people tend to wear masks, even without being aware of it. Who doesn’t show their best side on a first date? It takes WAY more than one date to get to know a person. Only then can you speak about a real connection. Otherwise it’s just sexual attraction which is simply not enough for a lasting relationship. For a woman who wants lasting happyness, comitment and a family this is really the worst thing to do. In reality if the connection is REAL sex becomes secondary on a first date because there are so many other things about the person to discover first.
Also, most men still have a madonna whore complex, even if they the say ot think they don’t. This is why so many men insult the women they casually got involved with afterwards. However, this is just a side note.
Who can really know their feelings and their desire to stay with another person after just one date.
[…] James Michael Sama is a fairly well-known dating and relationship blogger these days whose work regularly appears on sites like The Huffington Post, The Good Men Project and Thought Catalog. He says, “I think if you’ve got a true connection with someone – there is really no reason to wait.” […]
[…] “I think if you’ve got a true connection with someone- there is really no reason to wait.” says one of our favorite well-known dating and relationship bloggers James Michael Sama. […]
[…] James Michael Sama is a fairly well-known dating and relationship blogger these days whose work regularly appears on sites like The Huffington Post, The Good Men Project and Thought Catalog. He says, “I think if you’ve got a true connection with someone – there is really no reason to wait.” […]
[…] James Michael Sama is a fairly well-known dating and relationship blogger these days whose work regularly appears on sites like The Huffington Post, The Good Men Project and Thought Catalog. He says, “I think if you’ve got a true connection with someone – there is really no reason to wait.” […]
Great reading your bblog post