Your 10-Point Guide for Attracting Real Love

If “Finding love” is on your “to-do” list for 2026, then it’s time to take a real look at the ways you can be more efficient with your time and energy…and stop giving it to the wrong people.

1: Get REALLY CLEAR on your wants vs. your needs.

These are two different things.

What is it that you really need from a partner?

I’m not talking about what you want, which is what most people focus on…

I’m talking about the deeper rooted needs tucked underneath those wants.

For example, one of my private clients tells me that he wishes his wife would spend less time on her phone.

His want is less time on her phone.

His need is to connect with his wife. To feel seen, valued, present.

The clarity around the need can help find different ways to fill it…instead of just nagging her about getting off the phone all of the time, perhaps they can choose a time of night that they both put their phones away and be fully present with each other.

If the “need” is unclear, then neither you nor your partner will be fully certain about what will fill that need, and you’ll be stuck running in circles.

2: Be INTENTIONALLY social.

The suggestion to “go out and meet people” is usually met with one of two responses:

1: The immediate assumption that it means bars or clubs.

2: The response of “I don’t even know where I’d go!”

Neither of these is an intentional or productive use of time.

Can you meet people by going out to bars and clubs? Absolutely!

The challenge, though, is there’s no guarantee you’ll have anything in common with them or even like their company.

It’s a total gamble.

On the other hand: If you start being intentional about where you spend your time based on your passions and interests, you automatically surround yourself with other people who share them.

Take an art class, go to a shooting range, peruse car shows, attend a fundraiser, volunteer in your community…

Being socially aimless or simply saying yes to invitations just to get out of the house can easily waste your time and cause even more frustration because you feel like you’re putting in real effort but you keep falling short.

If you’re a response #2 above and don’t even know what you’d do in the first place, now is a great time to explore and define things that set your soul on fire…and then go do them.

3: Take online dating seriously.

I know…I know…

I just heard the collective groan from the audience, but hear me out.

Online dating is a great tool in your dating toolkit. Should it be completely relied upon? Of course not.

Can it be a huge pain in the ass? Obviously.

But, so can getting dressed up, going out, spending money, meeting a bunch of shitty people, and going home disappointed.

Online dating provides a variety of benefits if you actually take it seriously.

Okay, but how?

First, it allows you to leverage your time. You could be at work, or sleeping, or reading this article right now…and local singles in your area (haha, get it?) are coming across your profile without you having to do anything.

Secondly, a lot of people are on there. More people than you could hope to meet going out to an event or getting introduced to by a friend. Utilize the volume to your advantage.

Third, you make the rules. Go back to your wants vs. needs in point #1. What is it that you’re actually looking for? Use the space on your dating profile to express who you really are and what you really want. Get great photos that show your personality. Be quirky and witty in your bio. Shine your light.

Don’t be shy about it. Stop giving people chances who you know aren’t right for you. Set your standards and maintain them. If you can be crystal clear and honest with yourself about what you do and don’t want, you’ll be able to quickly brush aside those who don’t fit the criteria.

Does it sound dismissive and harsh? Maybe…but this is about valuing your time above all else. You’ve already given enough of it to the wrong people.

4: Engage more in public.

People ask me all the time where the best place is to meet a potential partner.

My answer is: Everywhere.

Men and women are literally everywhere.

Coffee shops, bookstores, grocery stores, the gym, the library.

One of the most powerful things any of us can ever do is to simply make eye contact.

So many people are buried in their phones that actual human connection seems like it’s a dream. Wait, did that person actually look at me?

I believe that love can be sparked anywhere, at anytime. It’s not just something that happens on the weekends, or at night, or on your dating app, or in your DMs.

The very person you could be waiting to meet could be standing right next to you in line. A simple smile, or a hello, or a “what are you ordering today?” could be the beginning of something you never saw coming. But, if you’re giving more attention to your screen than the reality around you, you may never find out.

5: Redefine what you’re looking for.

Do you find yourself consistently attracted to the wrong people?

Do you gravitate towards qualities and traits that don’t actually bring you joy or happiness?

Instead of repeating the same patterns over and over again, ask yourself what it is that you’re looking for in a partner, and why you keep choosing people who don’t have it.

6: Stop making excuses.

Yeah, I’m talking to you.

“There’s nobody good in my area.”

“I never have time to go out after work.”

“All guys are liars!”

“All women are crazy!”

Excuses, excuses.

Most people are their own worst enemy when it comes to dating, it’s just that nobody has the guts to tell you that.

Family and friends will always give gentle platitudes like “The right guy will come along, Susie!” “The right gal will appreciate your heart, Steve!”

But you know what? If “doing what you’re doing” was going to work, it would be working.

It’s time to stop making excuses for not making the changes you should be making. Stop sabotaging your chances before you even leave the house. Stop feeling guilt and shame over past relationships that didn’t work out…we’ve all been there.

Until you’re willing to accept responsibility and stop justifying your dating frustrations, you’ll never do what it takes to overcome them.

7: Remember that you can’t get blood from a stone.

Or, love from someone who isn’t interested/available.

How much time have you wasted pining after someone who you know wasn’t going to be yours? Perhaps they’re involved with someone else, or live too far away, or have straight up told you that they’re not interested.

Yet, there you are with your bottle of wine on a Friday night scrolling through their Instagram photos expecting them to magically jump out of the phone and join you.

What you’re really doing is wasting your own time, causing yourself unnecessary heartache, and taking energy away from doing something more productive…like the things listed in this article.

8: Take a good hard look in the mirror.

This could get uncomfortable.

But, that’s the point.

Look back at the wants, needs, and desires that you’ve been reflecting on here and then ask yourself:

Do I bring the same things to the table?

GASP…

Here’s the truth, though:

You don’t attract what you desire, you attract what you project.

You must ask yourself if you are living up to the same standards you are holding for a potential partner.

Do you want someone who is physically fit but you’ve not gone to the gym in years?

Do you want someone who values education but the last book you read was in college?

Do you want someone who is fashionable and stylish but your idea of “dressing up” is wearing a Tom Brady jersey?

You get the idea: In order to attract the right person, you must first become the right person, and that requires all of us to take an honest and uncensored look at ourselves.

You could shy away from this because you’re afraid of what you might see, or, you can seize the opportunity to find all of the areas where you want to improve yourself and your life.

…only one of those options will bring you closer to deeper fulfillment and love.

9: Build a life that YOU love.

Self-reflection, passion, identifying your areas of improvement, defining your needs…what does all of this add up to?

It adds up to you being confident in yourself and your identity and building a life that you love living regardless of your relationship status.

Living a life that sets your soul on fire is one of the most attractive things any of us can do — but the beauty is that we’re not doing it because it makes us attractive.

We’re doing it because it makes us happy, fulfilled, confident, satisfied.

It gives us purpose and meaning.

It fills up our souls and allows us to show up each day as our brightest self.

It empowers us to contribute to the world around us because our cup is full, first.

And, yes, it opens up far more opportunities to meet the person who could be our teammate through it all.

The real beauty, though, is that no matter how long it takes to find that person…we will love every moment of the process.

10: BELIEVE.

I left this until the end because it is the anchor of everything else listed here.

If you do not believe you are worthy of love…if you don’t believe the right person is out there…if you don’t believe that you are capable of achieving happiness…

Then you will never really do what it takes in order to find it.

In the back of your mind, you’ll always be questioning and doubting yourself. You’ll subconsciously make poor decisions that reinforce your negative belief system and self-talk.

You’ll always be holding yourself back because a piece of you, deep inside, is telling you that it’ll never really happen for you.

You’ll probably never admit it out loud and you might not even admit it to yourself…but you know it’s there.

Belief that it is possible, though. Building self-worth by building credibility with yourself (See #8 and 9) starts to change your mindset and show you that you are capable of growth and improvement.

It shows you that you are capable of loving yourself which stops you from settling for anything less than that.

It shows you that you have the power to raise your standards and demand more from this life than you’re getting in this moment.

A funny thing happens when you choose to believe that love is not only real, but that it’s out there waiting for you…

You stop wasting time on things that are holding you back, and you go out and get it.

• My free private newsletter is for those who want unfiltered and actionable insights to live an even better life. Click here to join 20,000+ subscribers.
• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.