20 Things You Deserve in Your Love Life

It’s hard to define what you deserve in life and in love. It requires a strong sense of self-worth, high standards, and solid boundaries.

Those might be difficult for you to get clear on if you’ve not really dug into your wants, needs, desires, and identity.

What is it that you really deserve from a lifelong partner? A question, if left unanswered, can easily cause you to settle for less (sometimes…far less).

If, though, defined and recognized, will give you the strength to stop giving your time, energy, and heart to people who don’t truly deserve you.

Below, we’ll outline traits and actions to look for from a person who is ready to receive you, and is willing to do the work to earn their spot in your life.

1: You deserve someone who’s already figured out what they want.

How many people have you dated that just seem to be…floating along? They don’t really have any concrete goals, or a solid path in life, or even a clear vision of their ideal relationship or partner.

While this does help people explore for awhile as they learn what’s out there, who they are, and what they’re looking for…that’s not the phase of life you’re in right now.

It’s possible to meet the right person at the wrong time, though when this happens it effectively makes them the wrong person.

The right person is going to already have gone through those phases, done that work, and come to their conclusions about what they want their life to look like moving forward…just like you have.

That way, when you come into their life, they’re going to recognize you. They’ll value you. They’ll put in the work to build a real connection and a real relationship with you.

They’ll be ready to give you an equal investment and commitment.

If they don’t know what they’re looking for, how are they going to recognize you when you arrive?

• Bonus: You are not someone’s set of “training wheels” while they figure this all out. You’ve been there and done that, so it’s only fair to be with someone who’s done the same.

2: You deserve someone who communicates in healthy ways.

HEALTHY communication is at the foundation of any solid relationship. Two people must be able to express themselves to each other openly and freely, without fear of judgment.

Communication doesn’t just mean that someone has the ability to talk, but also to listen and absorb what you have to say in return.

Healthy communication is calm, it’s understanding, it’s active in the sense that it evolves and shifts as necessary.

Active listening is not just sitting there and letting someone else talk. It’s absorbing what they say, asking relevant questions, learning, and then acting on what you learn as a result.

When two people are able to speak not just “to” each other, but with each other, it empowers them to grow together as a couple as they learn more about each other, build a stronger connection together, and share their intimate secrets, wants, needs, fears, and even insecurities.

We cannot fully understand someone if we don’t communicate with them, nor can we develop a true and whole love for them, either.

3: You deserve someone who encourages your growth.

A major red flag of an unhealthy partner is when they either subtly or blatantly (try to) pull you off your path of personal development.

An insecure or toxic partner doesn’t want to see you thrive, or grow, or realize your dreams.

Why?

Because deep down, they know that they themselves are not willing to put in the work to grow in the same ways. And, that means, someday you are going to outgrow them if you stay on that same path.

As a desperate attempt at holding you back, they do whatever they can to chip away at your self-confidence, so you stop believing you’re capable of the achievements you’ve been working so hard for.

The truth is that you should be outgrowing these people, because they’ll do nothing but keep you stuck, stagnant, and resentful.

The right partner, though, is going to find happiness in watching you grow into the fullest version of yourself. When someone truly loves you, they want to see you thriving, succeeding, glowing, bursting at the seems with passion and excitement about your life.

They’re going to be your biggest cheerleader, your support system, your co-pilot. They’ll be right there on the sidelines watching you win, and they’ll be celebrating with you right after.

4: You deserve someone who has their own goals and ambitions.

The truth about people who hold you back is that they most likely aren’t going anywhere themselves. This is what makes them so insecure. This is what keeps them playing small. This is what makes them panic and frantically try to pull everyone back into their small reality with them, so they don’t feel so insignificant and alone.

While you can acknowledge and do your best to encourage those people to expand themselves, you simply cannot build a thriving relationship with one while they’re stuck in the same place.

Someone who understands your ambitions, though, is going to be on their own path of growth and expansion.

They’re running along a parallel path to you. They’re driven forward, they’re up early working, they’re being productive, they’re in the trenches with you.

This is why they “get it,” because they’re also doing it.

They won’t understand you otherwise.

And, frankly, you’ll grow tired and bored of a person who is sitting around slacking off while you’re working to create the life you desire. Part of that life is being in a relationship with someone who is equally driven and ambitious.

And it should be for them, too.

5: You deserve someone who learns how YOU need to be loved.

Anyone can do the basics when it comes to dating, or love, or relationships.

Anyone can buy you flowers, or get reservations at a nice restaurant, or plan a romantic getaway.

Anyone can “copy/paste” a date.

What not anyone can do, though, is put in the time and effort to learning how you feel love. What is it about your past or your upbringing that moves you towards or away from certain things?

What compliments are meaningful to you, and which ones just slide right off of you?

What are your love languages?

Giacomo Casanova once said:

Compliment the beauty on their intelligence, and the intelligent on their beauty.

The point he was making is: To make someone feel special, focus on the things most people often overlook.

You, also, have likely experienced the “textbook” types of flirting and communication that just get boring after awhile.

It’s the same things over and over again, just from a different face.

What you deserve is someone that’s going to show you this is about you as an individual. Someone who doesn’t make assumptions about what you want or need…but asks, listens, and then gives it to you.

That’s how you know where their real interest lies.

6: You deserve their undivided attention.

How many ways does our attention get split up on a daily basis?

For most, it begins the instant we wake up.

Grab phone. Check email. Open Instagram. Check your news app. Get pissed off at news headline. Open Facebook. Eventually roll over and kiss your loved one. Listen to the kids yelling your name. Make coffee.

And then, it just doesn’t seem to stop for the rest of the day.

You get it, I get it, we all get it.

If we let this insane pace of life consume us, though, we’re going to wake up one day in 50 years and wonder where it all went. You probably still feel hints of that feeling right now.

If we are just another item being juggled for our partner, it feels very…secondary.

How are you supposed to feel safe and cared for by someone who’s always doing 500 things when you’re together?

Someone who gives their phone more attention than you on dates?

Someone who is too scatterbrained to remember the small details about you?

I understand that people are busy. They have important careers, lots of commitments, a full schedule of meetings…

But, if they’re going to consciously choose to be in a relationship, they need to place that just as high (if not higher) on their list of priorities.

And by “that,” I mean you.

You deserve someone who puts their phone away at dinner. Someone who’s first order of business in the morning is kissing you before they look at their phone. Someone who is fully present, because otherwise they’re just half-in.

A relationship isn’t a part time commitment, you’re either in, or you’re out…and you can’t be fully in with only half of your attention.

7: You deserve someone who’s consistent.

Any time you’ve set out to reach a goal, what’s been the #1 key in making it happen?

Whether it’s fitness, or business, or building a relationship: Consistency is the key.

If you spend 3 hours a day in the gym…but only do it once a month, you’re not going to get the results you want.

It’s better to be pointed, intentional, and consistent with your actions. The same goes for creating a bond with someone.

If they come in hot for a few days, are texting you constantly, talking big about the future and how much you mean to them, but then they disappear for a week, all of that is going to lose its meaning, and you’ll be highly suspicious the next time they come around again (rightfully so).

If, however, someone calls when they say they will, shows up at the time they planned, communicates frequently, and takes the small and steady steps to show you that they’re serious…that provides you with a far more secure feeling, and helps to build…

8: TRUST. You deserve trust.

A relationship without trust is like a car without fuel. You can stay in it as long as you want, but it’s not going to go anywhere.

Trust must be shared between partners. You must be able to trust them, and they must be willing to trust you.

This means that you both must be willing to earn and then maintain each other’s trust.

We’ve all heard the saying that “trust can take years to build, but only seconds to break,” and I believe we have to keep this in mind at all times if we choose to be in a relationship.

It’s not about walking on eggshells, it’s simply about choosing to honor the commitments you’ve made to another person, as they do the same for you.

9: You deserve someone who takes responsibility for their own actions.

Have you ever dated someone who refused to be wrong?

Better still, have you ever met someone who refused to be wrong?

You’ve probably known at least one person like this. Maybe at work, or in your family, or a friend…or maybe you were even married to them at one point.

If you have, you know that it’s virtually impossible to have a healthy relationship with them, because if something goes wrong…it’s immediately YOUR fault.

Of course it is, it couldn’t possibly be their fault, could it?!

This is a dangerous path to travel down with a partner because they will find any excuse necessary to avoid accountability for their actions. When mistakes don’t get acknowledged, they don’t get fixed. You don’t get an apology. You don’t see remorse. You don’t see negative actions change, they only perpetuate themselves over time.

You deserve a person who is willing to look you in the eye and apologize for their mistakes. Someone who is self-aware enough to know that they’re not perfect (nobody is) and therefore take the responsibility for fixing things, even if “things” means themselves.

It’s simply impossible to build a healthy relationship with any other kind of person.

10: You deserve someone who acknowledges your greatness.

I’m not talking about someone who worships you or puts you on a pedestal, I’m talking about someone who recognizes the amazing things you do on a regular basis, whether big or small.

Someone who says things like:

“I really respect the way you handled that conflict at work.”

“I’m really impressed by how patient you are with the kids.”

“You really crushed that media appearance.”

“Your butt looks amazing in those pants.”

Pointed and specific compliments make someone feel seen, valued, and appreciated.

You deserve someone who recognizes your skills and abilities, and expresses that recognition to you.

11: You deserve someone who aligns their words with their actions.

It does not matter how many promises someone makes, it only matters how many promises they keep.

Anyone can talk a big game, or say just enough to keep you on the hook…but then things start getting delayed, or excuses start being made, and eventually you’re left wondering if they were inflating a story or making a false promise just to keep you around.

If you’re forced to wonder this too many times or for too long…your suspicions are probably correct.

When you meet someone who steps up and does the things they say, it’s going to be obvious. They’ll take action more than they speak, and sometimes just let their actions do the speaking for them.

Words are meaningless without the actions to back them up. Only pay attention to what’s real and right in front of you.

12: You deserve someone who “fills in the blanks.”

Your life is busy. Your days are full. Your staff is demanding. Your kids are more demanding than your staff.

Sometimes, you just might not have enough time in the day to get everything done.

Maybe you needed that prescription picked up, or that kid picked up, or the laundry done, or didn’t have time to make dinner…

The right person is going to be there to fill in the blanks for you. To step up and step in when you need help (even if you don’t ask for it).

Someone who works to make your life easier without you asking them.

Not because they think you’re incapable, but because they want to work as a team, and bringing value to your life is something that makes them feel happy and fulfilled.

13: You deserve someone who keeps the romance alive.

Romance, intimacy, sex, all of the “spice” belongs under this point because they’re all kept aflame in the same way: Through consistent effort, attention, and energy. Just like so many other pieces of your relationship.

This one, though, can tend to go by the wayside over time.

Life becomes complex, you get “too busy” for date nights, you’re “too tired” for ahem…*wink wink*, and before you know it, weeks or months have passed since you’ve felt truly connected with your partner.

You feel more like roommates than spouses.

Keeping the spark alive requires both of you to put in the effort. To make the time, no matter how little of it there may be. To prioritize each other and your relationship.

Even if a date is ordering takeout and watching Netflix, do something special to make it different than just any other night.

You don’t just deserve this; you need this.

Every relationship does, or it’ll become a breeding ground for boredom, resentment, and tension.

14: You deserve someone who meets your needs.

“James, are we still talking about sex?”

Well, yes. But also, no.

Your needs in a relationship are varied and dynamic. Yes, you have sexual needs — but you also have emotional needs. Often, the two go hand in hand.

The need for intimacy, for connection, for communication, for affection.

I cannot nor would not propose to know what your specific needs are, as we are all different, but it’s not my job to know what they are…it’s your partner’s job.

It’s his/her job to learn your needs, help you understand theirs, and then work together to make sure you both feel fulfilled and satisfied in these areas.

15: You deserve someone who values your opinions.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard from private clients that their previous partners just did not value what they had to say. Didn’t consider them in decision making. Didn’t ask for their input or advice…

I believe that in order to truly value a person, it requires us to value their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. Otherwise, what is it that we’re valuing?

You need to feel heard in order to feel respected.

You need to contribute to making big decisions that affect you both.

You should never be steamrolled or overruled if you’re creating a partnership with someone. It’s not a dictatorship.

It’s not about “me,” it’s about “we.”

16: You deserve “me time.”

I don’t believe that self-care is selfish.

On the contrary, I believe that taking care of yourself is a requirement if you want to take care of others.

I’m not talking about taking a week-long retreat by yourself and leaving your family behind, but there are things you can integrate into your daily life that make you feel more grounded and connected.

Take time to paint, or meditate, or just listen to music. Have coffee with a friend. Work on your car.

Do something to center yourself.

A good partner who wants the best for you is going to encourage this action, because they want you to feel aligned. Grounded. Connected to yourself.

They understand that going too long without this is only going to make you feel more stressed, more agitated, and less patient. That doesn’t do anyone any good.

We all need time to reset every once in awhile.

17: You deserve someone who shares interests with you.

Some people don’t really like to do things alone, and would rather share in them with their partner.

Some people have shared interests with their partner, others, completely opposite.

Depending on how all of this aligns, it can be more difficult to find overlapping hobbies that you can both enjoy.

Here’s my opinion: Do it anyway.

Do the thing your partner likes, even if you’re not into it. And when you’re doing it: Be enthusiastic about it. If you’re just sulking the whole time or asking when it’s time to leave, it’s going to ruin the experience for them and can risk creating resentment towards your involvement.

Subsequently, invite them to do the things you like, too. Show them you want them to be included. Let them see you excited and vibrant as you do something you love. Introduce them to the people you share in this hobby with. Make them part of it.

Naturally, we are going to have our own interests and passions in a relationship, and they won’t always overlap. I do believe, though, feeling as though your partner supports your interest is a big help in being able to enjoy it.

18: You deserve someone who accepts and embraces your past.

“The past.” Two words that have largely different meanings for everyone.

Perhaps you’re proud of your bright and vibrant past.

Maybe you’re a bit wary of telling people where you came from.

Maybe you’re embarrassed about your journey and wish you could do it all over again.

No matter what your past looks like, the present and the future are all that we can control.

When sharing your past with a partner, they aren’t guaranteed to like all of it, either.

That, though, was the “you” before “them.”

A good partner should see you as you are today, and will be required to accept your past for what it was, whether they like it or not.

“James, isn’t that a little black and white?”

Perhaps, but remember I’m not talking about liking your past, just accepting the reality of it.

It can’t be changed.

They don’t need to approve of it.

And the truth is, parts of your past (particularly if it’s…checkered) may very well still be with you today.

Trauma, PTSD, life lessons, maybe a complicated divorce where the ex or your children are still around.

Not everyone has a clean slate, but to love and accept you for who you are today, they need to acknowledge where you’ve come from, and embrace the things that come along with it.

If they can’t do that, they’re not fully accepting you for you.

19: You deserve someone who takes care of THEMSELVES.

A “healthy lifestyle” is multi-dimensional.

Physical health. Mental health. Emotional health.

You deserve to be with someone who recognizes the importance of them all as a package, and who subsequently prioritizes them in their own life.

Physical health, because you want them to be around as long as possible.

Mental health, because a person who is unhappy with themselves is going to influence the mental health of those around them.

Emotional health, because you need to maintain a strong and open connection for years to come.

It’s not your responsibility to “fix” anyone (hint: Nobody is broken), so this is something they need to recognize and work on by themselves, just like the rest of us do.

If you both value your overall health, though, you’ll both be able to show up at your best…both for yourselves, and for each other.

20: You deserve someone who sees you for who you really are.

You, today, in the present moment.

You are not your past.

You are not your job.

You are not your kids.

You are not your income.

You are not your watch, house, cars, or parents.

You are the person that you have worked to become. Your identity is rooted in your values, beliefs, the way you treat others, and the way you treat yourself.

The person who truly deserves to be in your life is going to value, cherish, and love you for that very reason. Not for any of the fluff, or the image, or the money, or the accomplishments, but because when they are alone next to you at night, they feel a sense of peace with you.

You both feel peace together.

You feel home together.

You feel seen for who you really are.

The right person, when they come along, will make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

• My free private newsletter is for those who want unfiltered and actionable insights to live an even better life. Click here to join 20,000+ subscribers.
• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.