Successful and Single: What Men Get Wrong About Dating Strong Women
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[social_warfare]
Do successful men really want to “marry down”? Studies show that the answer is no.
Are you worried that you’re overqualified for dating?
Many successful women may shy away from, or completely avoid discussing their career on a date because they don’t want to scare away a man who may be intimidated.
I hear this time and time again from women that I coach. They feel as though they need to water down or dilute their personalities or ambition in order to attract a mate.
Let’s call this the “dating down fallacy.” The false narrative that men prefer dating (and marrying) women who are less successful or intelligent than them.
While it’s undeniable that a large number of men out there do fall into this category, many global studies about mate selection show that homogamy still applies.
What is homogamy?
Homogamy is marriage between people from similar sociological or educational backgrounds.
In other words: Educated and successful men prefer educated and successful women.
And, vice versa.
Over the past few decades as women have made enormous gains in education and the workplace, they have subsequently begun marrying more educated men. This trend is actually increasing in the United States:
Researchers Blossfeld and Tim, who have studied homogamy for over a decade, found that educational homogamy rates have increased over the last century. For women in their 40s in the U.S., over half, 51 percent, married a partner with the same degree. Only 27 percent married up, and 21 percent married down.
Psychology Today; Successful Women Dating
It gets better:
Two studies conducted in Europe and Australia show that smart men prefer smart women and are happier for it. First, in a study of educational homogamy in marriage in 22 countries, 14 countries showed a strong tendency toward homogamy. While in seven, the men actually married up. Second, the Australian study on 5,000 subjects revealed that men who married educated women are happier than those who partnered with uneducated ones.
Furthermore, the author concluded that a man’s happiness level grew by 8 percent for each year of his wife’s post-high-school education. So a college graduate brought her man 32 percent more happiness than a high school grad. Solid research conducted around the world shows that the more educated women have become, the more attractive they are to the opposite sex.
Psychology Today; Successful Women Dating
Why, then, is dating such a challenge for successful women?
Misconception, for one.
Men are conditioned from an early age to be the pursuer, the provider, the protector. Even biologically speaking we are driven to maintain these traits and subsequently act in certain ways towards women that in some cases can seem demeaning or patronizing.
Rightfully so, there has been serious public backlash from women against these methods of treatment.
The result is a confused generation of men who are unsure of how they should act in a dating scenario. Do they still open the door? Pull out the chair? Pay for the bill?
For the past decade, I have publicly been shouting from the rooftops that the answer is “yes.”
And here’s why:
Just because a woman may be in charge from 9-5 on Monday through Friday, doesn’t mean she wants the same responsibilities in a relationship. At the end of the day, many women still appreciate a man who is the man, and will make plans for them on date night. A man who still romances her. A man who is romantic and respectful. A man who understands that a woman can be independent and should still be treated as a lady.
Yet, many men see women who are smart and powerful and automatically assume they can bring no value to her life.
Value is not about money and gifts, it is about support, emotional connection, compassion, teamwork.
You don’t need to make more money or have a higher level degree than her to make her happy. She has accomplished those things on her own because she is driven and ambitious.
When she’s seeking a relationship, she’s doing so because she wants one. Not because she needs one.
This means that we, as men, need to reframe the way we think about what we bring to the table.
And it also means that women need to redefine who it is that they’re giving their time to in the dance of dating.
The proof is in the pudding: Successful smart men are happier when they’re with successful smart women.
This means that he’s looking for you just as much as you’re looking for him.
The moment you begin to hide your achievements in order to attract more men, you risk being passed over by the right man who loves all of those things about you.
Does this mean finding the right guy will take longer? Yes.
Will it be worth it? Also yes.
As for men, this is an opportunity for us to step up and work to improve ourselves in order to build even happier and healthier relationships with driven and ambitious women.
It might be easier to date women who don’t challenge you. It may be more comfortable. It’s definitely less effort.
But, nothing worthwhile comes easily.
Not only that: We must adapt to the times we are living in.
A 2017 study shows that women with advanced degrees now outnumber guys at the same educational level. These researchers looked at U.S. census data that showed the number of men who marry down is decreasing. While the number of men who marry up is increasing.
Ergo, if highly educated women prefer highly educated men, and highly educated women are beginning to outnumber highly educated men…the race is on, gentlemen.
Will you let yourself be left behind, or step up to the plate and bask in the glow of dating a woman who challenges you to improve as she does so herself?
A real team who works together at every turn to conquer the world.
A partnership in love and in life.
If you’re ready, stand up so she can see you. If you’re not, sit down so she can see the man behind you.
James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
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“Value is not about money and gifts, it is about support, emotional connection, compassion, teamwork.“
I’m in my 70’s and culturally, I haven’t been datable due to my intelligence. But when I date “lower” they become resentful eventually, not because I’m bossy (grew up with that and vowed never to subject anyone to that), but because of what other people told them about dating smart women. Now I’m just much more careful. How you see Value is how I see Value. Now I only have to find someone who gets that too!
I have always loved dating successful and very intelligent women. It gives me a sense of relief that I won’t have to shoulder the load financially (as has often been the case with my relationships with women who are barely getting by financially, yet who have unrealistic lifestyles and future goals based upon our joint income). And the conversations tend to be much more stimulating. BUT, the flip side is some of the more intelligent women I’ve dated have often been “my way or the highway know it alls,” who never met an argument they didn’t like. So it’s a balancing act. Also, many of the more financially successful women I’ve dated have been quite stingy with their money and expected to me to pay practically EVERY time we went out. I have no problem paying the entire bill the first few dates, but after that (especially if she IS making good money), it’s nice to have her treat me every so often and not feel so entitled. Ironically, the women I’ve dated who don’t make super good money have tended to be more generous towards me.
I hate to tell you miss valuable, but you are not “culturally datable” because of your self-recognized (and over-inflated sense of) intelligence, but because you are forty years past your prime.
I’ll share what I replied to the commenter above…….
I have always loved dating successful and very intelligent women. It gives me a sense of relief that I won’t have to shoulder the load financially (as has often been the case with my relationships with women who are barely getting by financially, yet who have unrealistic lifestyles and future goals based upon our joint income). And the conversations tend to be much more stimulating. BUT, the flip side is some of the more intelligent women I’ve dated have often been “my way or the highway know it alls,” who never met an argument they didn’t like. So it’s a balancing act. Also, many of the more financially successful women I’ve dated have been quite stingy with their money and expected to me to pay practically EVERY time we went out. I have no problem paying the entire bill the first few dates, but after that (especially if she IS making good money), it’s nice to have her treat me every so often and not feel so entitled. Ironically, the women I’ve dated who don’t make super good money have tended to be more generous towards me.
Thanks for this reminder James
Allow me tell you guys exactly how it will look in twenty years when you marry a “strong woman”. At first it will be nice to find an educated woman that can financially hold her own. She will still prattle on about silly things that make little sense to you, because that is how women relate to each other, but she won’t be smart enough to recognize what you really need from a woman besides sex. Thanks to her “liberation”, she will be more adamant than the generations of women before her that you focus on her needs and stop with your “male toxicity” that is hindering her womanly, have-it-all advancement.
After you’ve been duped into making her “princess for a day” in front of all her family and friends (you’ll be lucky to claim 20% of the wedding guests), she’ll start in ernest into turning you into her Disney fantasy of the prince she rightfully deserves. Your friends won’t be good enough. The house you bought when single won’t be big enough. You’ll still pay the mortgage while she buys all the fashionable clothes that her strong job seemingly demands.
In a few years, because she is still busy trying to break the glass ceiling, you will be taking the kids to school, and leaving early to take them to all their enrichment activities. Your job will suffer, promotions will become less frequent as the still single guys pass you by. If you’re lucky enough to own your own company, the clients will start to grumble, because you aren’t as free anymore to take their calls or fly off to the meetings they want.
You’ll be cooking the dinner and tucking the children in while mommy stays late at work, reinforcing all her social contacts, which include her newest lover, another “strong” person that understands her emotional need for excitement. On Friday nights she’ll be out with her fellow strong, gal-pals, reliving her life of freedom with any guy on the dance floor that will show her some attention and buy her a drink.
You will get fed up with the inequality of it all one day, and put your foot down. You toxic, male-chauvinist pig you…and she will call the police and accuse you of all manner of evil, including molesting the kids and physically beating her. A judge will take your house and kids away if you’re lucky enough to keep your butt out of jail based on the false accusations. You’ll become another black sheep at work as the pitiful eyes, who heard the rumors (usually circulated by your ex and her posse to friends, family and associates). Your kids will want to spend less time with you after strong mommy has had her time poisoning their minds against you. You’ll be lucky to not become one of the statistics of suicide that take an exceedingly higher level of men’s lives.
By all means men, listen to James and step up to the plate. Take the pitch sent by that strong woman. You won’t believe me till you do.
Hey James, was that opening photo (fashion challenged woman leaving the sports car to board the private jet) taken in England or is that the fancy car and plane of her “equally” strong man friend? Who gets chauffeured around in a sports car? James is doing his best to play up homogamy while he can’t overcome the unconscious need to visually demonstrate hypergamy.
That is true!! Loved as well https://www.relationsarea.com/building-healthy-relationship/
I don’t think that real men may fear anything related to girls except the part related about their character …