The Right Relationship Will NEVER Make You Sacrifice Your Identity
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I’m going to be as brutally clear as possible in this post. No fluff. No introduction. No sugar-coating.
A relationship should be a consistent evaluation of the person you are committing to.
You should 100% and absolutely be able to envision a future with them and COMMIT to building it.
But, you should ALSO be abundantly clear at every step of the way on whether or not this person is the right fit for you.
People change. Circumstances change. Life situations change. A commitment today does not give anyone permission to begin treating you badly or stop putting effort in, 5 years down the road.
ANY emotional or physical abuse is NOT NORMAL. This means throwing things, hitting things, tearing down your confidence, making you feel “lesser than,” gaslighting you…anything that is designed to take away your ability to leave the situation, or to harm you.
ANY sort of control or manipulation. If you feel like someone is using words or actions to slowly take away from your independence or autonomy – not “letting” you see certain friends, being overly controlling when you are apart from each other – then they probably are doing just that.
ANY loss of your identity for the sake of fitting into someone else’s mold. YOU are a grown adult with wants, needs, desires, and goals (if you aren’t clear on these things, get clear on them NOW).
Once you begin to lose sight of who YOU are in order to fit into what HE/SHE wants you to be, you begin to lose the power of choice. You lose your compass which guides your life decisions. You lose your ability to do what is best for your own wellbeing because you completely lose sight of what that even means.
The solution? Simply mold yourself to whatever your partner wants, right?
It does not matter if you are single, dating, engaged, or married – PRIORITIZE YOURSELF FIRST.
This does not mean to be selfish. This does not mean to stop caring about other people. This does not mean to disregard everyone else’s feelings.
It simply means the understanding that you only get one life to live and you are incapable of caring for others if you are depleted emotionally, mentally, and physically.
It ALSO means that someone who acts in the ways described here DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.
Read that line again.
If someone manipulates you and controls you to the point where you’re simply a passive reflection of them, he/she could have done that with LITERALLY ANYONE.
This means you are simply a puzzle piece in a life that they already decided was going to exist.
It doesn’t account for YOUR interests. It doesn’t account for YOUR needs. It doesn’t account for YOUR goals, or dreams, or desires, or values…
It simply says “this is how it’s going to be, and if you don’t submit to my wishes, I’ll find someone who will.”
But, you think this person loves you, and you think YOU love THEM in return.
So, you stay.
It’s not easy to walk away. It’s not easy to end a relationship. It feels nearly impossible to end a marriage, particularly if children are involved.
Yet – many have done it, because the pain of walking away is less than the pain of staying in a relationship that will strip your existence down to its core for the rest of your life.
Love is not built on fear. Love is not built on manipulation. Love is not built on control.
Love is built from two people who are fully free to be and express themselves in a way that they both know suits the other person and the life they want to build TOGETHER.
Love is compromise. It is communication. It is daily CHOICE to commit to another person.
Love is something that makes you MORE of who you truly are, not less.
Stop confusing the two.
If you want my help and guidance to finally break through your boundaries and create an even happier and more fulfilled life with healthier relationships, reach out and let’s chat.
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My boyfriend asks me to change myself, if I want to marry him, Is that a part of a healthy relationship?
Probably not. If he can’t accept you for who you are, then he is with the wrong person, in my opinion. Now, if it’s a situation such as substance abuse, then I will understand his desire to have you change yourself. But, even then, at one point, he has to realize you’re not going to change and just leave you.
So what happens when you find yourself in love with someone, and she is the best thing in your life, but she wants to have children and you do not? You hoped you would change your mind and learn to want to have children, so you kept an open mind about it when she asked you early on and said “I don’t know—maybe?” But even after 2 years of an extremely loving, caring, sexually gratifying relationship in which you loved to see each other literally every day and almost never had any drama (and when you did, it was squashed right away and in a mature manner), the thought of having kids makes you cringe, even though you don’t want to live without your girlfriend. What do you do? I was in this situation and chose to break up, and I have missed her every day a year later. 🙁
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