Here’s Why Ignoring Our Biology is Hurting Our Relationships

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Buckle up, ladies and gents. This could get bumpy.

Here’s a disclaimer for those of you who are finding my writing for the first time: For just over 5 years, I have been a public voice across the U.S. encouraging men to do better when it comes to dating and relationships. I write and speak on equality, respect, forming strong connections, and how we need to ‘be human’ again in order to feel fulfilled.

I am not an ‘expert,’ nor a psychologist, nor a licensed professional in any way. Just a guy who has buried his head in books and podcasts and interviews and real conversations for the past half of a decade learning about men and women, and how we interact.

Do you know what the biggest mistake being made in society is, in my opinion? We are confusing equality with sameness.

Whether me, you, or anyone else likes it or not – men and women are NOT equal. Did you know that the female brain has a physically larger communication center, allowing for her to pick up better on non-verbal cues, facial expressions, and even hear a larger range of voice tones than men?

Or, how about that the part of the male brain that governs sexual desire is 2.5 times larger than that in the female brain?

Or this kicker: If the amygdala in the female brain (the area that conveys stress and fear) is active, it will actually block the pathway to an orgasm. Hence why women take 3-10 times longer to orgasm than men, and need to be emotionally comfortable in order to do so.

There is an ENDLESS amount of information available at our fingertips to learn about how men and women interact with each other and what millions of years of biological evolution have instilled in us. So, why aren’t we learning about them in order to have better relationships?

I think we are trying to smush everyone together into one box and water town our natural tendencies to feel our instincts. Just because men and women should absolutely be equal in terms of respect, professional opportunities, pay, societal value, and more – does not mean our two biological makeups suddenly become the same.

NO, we should not run around like cavemen/cavewomen and take action on every primal urge we feel, obviously, but we should be able to recognize and acknowledge the human animal at its very core and understand how (and why) it works the way it does.

Just because a woman may be in charge from 9-5 on Monday through Friday, doesn’t mean she wants the same responsibilities in a relationship. At the end of the day, many women still appreciate a man who is the man, and will make plans for them on date night. A man who still romances her. A man who is chivalrous and respectful. A man who understands that a woman can be independent and should still be treated as a lady.

Does rejection hurt because it’s a denial of our advances, or because our primitive brain is telling us we are being cast into the wilderness by our caveman tribe and are about to be eaten by a bear?

By ignoring our biological makeup, we are actually hurting our relationships.

Why?

Because we don’t understand each other. Hell, we don’t even understand ourselves.

We are living in a constructed society with rules we have made up along the way. We are observing everyone else’s lives on Instagram and Facebook and somehow forgetting that the couple who seem to have 24 abs between them frolicking along the beach in Tahiti, seemingly for a living, are actually two human beings with fears, passions, emotions, disappointments, and heartbreak.

Just like you.

When we want to learn how to be better at our jobs, we take trainings, classes, and read books. When we want to get into better shape, we hire a trainer, or purchase a program, or read more books.

Why, then, when it comes to arguably one of the most important aspects of life (our relationships with other humans), do we just tacitly assume everything is going to mold itself together properly?

I’d argue that we should flip our priorities and spend more time learning about each other. Maybe, just maybe, we’d be able to build a happier and more fulfilled society.

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5 Comments

  1. drshapero on June 7, 2018 at 3:19 pm

    Very well put. Like the article. I read them here and there but don’t always comment. Thanks for sharing.

    • James Michael Sama on June 7, 2018 at 3:20 pm

      Much appreciated! As I learn new things I am compelled to transfer the knowledge onto “paper.” Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

  2. roseyreider on June 8, 2018 at 4:05 am

    Hi James,
    I found your post today particularly interesting because I’ve currently been asked as the school librarian, to teach Life Orientation. One of the hot bed topics in LO is gender equality, pmwer relations and gender discrimination… need I say more. Your post is so pertinent and to the point . I’m going to see if I can get permission for the students to read it and then we can have a discussion about it…

    Thanks for sharing your wisdom and thoughts.
    Awesome and challenging as usual.

    Irene (South Africa)

  3. rlcarterrn on June 8, 2018 at 8:11 pm

    Very well written (as usual!). I completely agree that it’s ridiculous to ignore our natural differences as men & women. As you said, equal does not mean the same.

  4. Lota on June 11, 2018 at 5:35 pm

    Very enlightening! 🙂

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