7 brutal truths about why you’re not attracting good men


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There are multiple forms of this quote attributed to multiple sources, but the most poignant one goes like this:

“The truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off.”

When you look for dating advice online, you have two choices:

  • Find advice that makes you comfortable.
  • Find advice that gives you the truth.

There are a lot of people out there (I have been guilty of this myself) who write words on the internet that are designed to do one simple thing: Make you nod your head and say “I knew it!” to yourself. This ‘advice’ does nothing but reinforce your pre-existing notions that may or may not actually be true.

But, hey, it makes you feel good to read it.

If that’s what you’re looking for here – click that X before you go any further.

If you want the second kind of advice, information that’s actually true and an accurate representation of how men think, then here are 7 realities that you may or may not like, but the truth doesn’t give a damn about your comfort level.

Your negativity is keeping you single.

“You mean to tell me that loyal men actually exist?” a woman commented on my Instagram, recently. A public, highly trafficked Instagram, I may add. What’s the first thing men read when they see a comment like this?

Man-hater. Anti-man. Huge pain in the ass. Impossible to date. Unattractive attitude. Combative. Would never be affectionate or loving towards a man.

YIKES. I told you this was going to be blunt. Now, don’t get me wrong, negative energy from ANYONE is a huge turn off, but I cannot tell you how many times I have seen some serious man-bashing on public mediums on the internet from women who are frustrated and jaded.

You might be saying to yourself: Well, that’s their opinion and right to comment on social media. But, here’s the kicker:

I see the same type of comments in online dating profiles, too. Tell me: If you’re literally on an app designed to meet men (or women), why are you using your valuable 300 character bio to bash the very people you’re trying to attract? If all you talk about is things you don’t want, or things you refuse to accept, or bragging about your “hard to handle” attitude, the only men you’re going to attract are ones who are just going to play you as a challenge and continue the cycle of hurt and pain.

Good men actually DO want accomplished, successful women.

If I had a dollar for every woman who told me that men are intimidated by successful women and ‘can’t handle’ them, well…I’d have a lot of dollars.

The truth is this: Only men who live in their insecurity will shy away from strong women. Men who cannot compete on the level of ambition, or motivation, or confidence.

Notice I did not say success.

Everyone has a different idea of what success or happiness means to them. A man who is living his truth and has established a secure, confident foundation for himself as a person will only be able to function in a relationship properly with a woman who is the same way.

If you’re finding that the men you’re dating are scared or intimidated or pushed away by your strength, that only means one thing is true:

You’re dating the wrong types of men.

Your online dating profile is hugely important.

I don’t know the statistics and I am no expert on websites like Match or Eharmony, but I would bet money that less than 30% of women on Bumble or Tinder actually have a bio on their profile.

What message does this send?

It says: “I hope you like my appearance enough to swipe right on me.”

It says: “I don’t take dating seriously enough to tell you anything about me.”

It says: “This is pretty much just a last resort and I’m not putting any effort into it.”

The bottom line is that you attract what you project, both online and offline. If you want to find a man who is genuine, caring, and serious about finding a relationship; then you need to send the message that you are the same way.

Pretty much ALL guys are open to women initiating the conversation.

Anyone who’s ever read any of the 800+ articles I’ve written on this site, knows that I am all about the old school ways of men approaching women. Men initiating. Men pursuing. Men paying for dates. I think that’s what works and that’s the way things should be.

However, we also need to be realistic about the social landscape we are currently living in. A lot of guys are nervous about approaching women, or complimenting them, or saying hello in the grocery store. Guys aren’t quite sure if women want independence, or romance, or if you have to sacrifice one for the other (you don’t).

The bottom line is that guys are confused as hell. (Oh, and, this is absolutely not an excuse – men should take the reins no matter what), but it is an unfortunate reflection of reality that needs to be addressed if we want to see the truth. A simple hello in the coffee shop or sending the first message online will open the door for him to (hopefully) walk through and take it from there.

You’re gonna have to put in work to find him.

I don’t know for sure, but I would venture a guess that the man you’d like to date is living an active life right now. He is at the gym, or pursuing a career, running a business, enjoying a hobby, living a happy and fulfilled life.

This also means that he is just as busy as you are, and has a lot going on daily. Maybe you’re ‘fishing’ rather than ‘hunting,’ where you’re hoping the right guy will come across your online dating profile, or be temporarily blinded by your glistening brow at the gym and stumble into you while white doves fly into the air from the explosion of energy.

What we don’t think of though, is that he may be going about his day hoping for the exact same thing to happen. This is the part where women say to me: “Well, why should I have to be the one to make the move?!” The answer is another question: If you want something in life, are you going to hope it falls into your lap, or are you going to go out and get after it?

Good men don’t respond well to attitude.

I’m getting my combat suit ready for all of the negative responses I’m going to get from this article (and probably this point especially), but here’s the reality: Goodhearted, genuine, caring men, have absolutely no interest whatsoever in putting up with a harsh and abrasive woman.

I have had countless women tell me that men simply cannot ‘handle’ their attitude. Let me tell you something: Men have been going to war and breaking their ass to support their families and facing heartbreak and disappointment since the beginning of time. He can ‘handle’ your attitude, he just has absolutely no desire to.

And, why would he want to? A relationship is supposed to be a loving team who supports and respects each other. If you’re looking to attract someone who actually has meaningful thoughts, emotions, and feelings, what would make you think a man like that is going to respond to a combative disposition?

Your photos will reign supreme.

If the last point didn’t rile up the crowd, this one probably will.

I am NOT saying you need to fit a certain standard of beauty. I am NOT saying you need to dress a certain way. I am NOT saying you need to wear a certain size of jeans.

Every man is attracted to a different type of woman.

That being said: If your visual representation online consists of blurry cell phone photos that look like they were taken with cellophane over your camera lens while riding a rollercoaster, odds are you may not get the highest quality responses.

Every single one of us, men and women, have been turned into a product when it comes to online dating. The products that sell the best are not necessarily of the best quality – but they have the best marketing. Your profile (and your in-person presence) is your face to the world. Is it projecting the best version of yourself possible?

Men are visual creatures. You may have the most genuine, caring heart. The most pleasant disposition. The absolute best personality on the planet – but if his attention isn’t caught for long enough to approach you, he will never find out.

Now is your chance to tell me how much you don’t (or do) agree with me, leave your thoughts in the comments. I only ask one favor: Address the issues at hand, personal insults and trash talking (towards myself or others) will be deleted.


If you found value in this article, please use the buttons to share it on social media, and leave your thoughts in the comments below!

Ladies: Click here to learn the 5 keys to increasing your chances of finding Mr. Right.

Click here to get my book: Unlocking Love: 10 Keys to Finding The Love of Your Life (Even If It’s You).




  1. Lisa Ortega on May 22, 2018 at 3:27 pm

    Your article makes all valid points. I make sure my dating profile pics are current to within 6 months and I try to play up my positives in the bio and don’t mention anything negative unless it’s an absolute deal breaker, but rather what I like and hope to find.

  2. happilystruggling on May 24, 2018 at 5:39 am

    Hi James, I agree to all most all the points but my concerns in last 2 points are: 1. Women who talk good and with no attitude are many times perceived as ‘easy going’ and gives men impression that all BS is acceptable. 2. If they get attracted to physical beauty then how will we get to know that it will be more than that later.

    • mgm531 on May 24, 2018 at 12:03 pm

      @happilystruggling — 1) Having no attitude does not automatically equate fo being a pushover that allows a person to take advantage of you or walk all over you. Not having an attitude is having an open mind about people and approaching people with friendliness, pleasantness and a positive disposition. It’s the same for men as well as women. Afterall, who wants to be around a cynical, sarcastic grump? Of course this still means you maintain a sense of worth and boundries, but most people that are confident in themselves can live that balance from being open and protecting their mental ego. 2) Physical attraction is an essential aspect of most romantic relationships. But obviously it doesn’t end there for most people. Most people that want a long term relationship want the personality that goes along with the physical attraction. And if they don’t and/or if it doesn’t match what you’re looking for, then you stop meeting or seeing that person.

      • happilystruggling on July 18, 2018 at 3:52 am

        1.I agree to what you say mgm but when you desire someone and are in love with them you become easy going. You start accepting things which are not good for your mental and physical health. I think this point is for two balanced people looking to receive and give balanced relationship.
        2. Second was more of a question in terms of online dating. Your complete personality might just not be visible in photographs and first meeting. And at this time physical attraction plays major role to keep it going. But then by when can you be sure that it is more than mere physical attraction?

  3. Steven Tucker on May 29, 2018 at 1:54 pm

    James I have met a lady who recommends you very highly. So I decided that in order for me to better understand what she is wanting from her future sole mate I need to read and listen to what you have to say. My wife passed away of cancer this last March and I decided that I did not want to just sit around and moan about my loss. I am dating and have met some very nice women. I am retired so it has been difficult for some of those women to actually get out and date due to their work schedules. I know that many are busy but I would say from a mans perspective that those that want to meet that special guy needs to give of there time to do so. I am in a semi serous relationship with the lady that did recommend you and I an naturally hoping that this will work out. But we both want to take it slow and make sure that we progress in a natural manner. I enjoyed your video on “The 5 steps on finding Mr. Right” and was glad to see that I did fit in with the more positive side of your comments. I know that I have room to grow and am willing to evaluate and adjust accordingly. This will only help me as well as my relationship with that someone special. I want to thank you for your insight and experience on this subject. I look forward to reading more or your articles.

  4. Katherine Dickerson on June 5, 2018 at 6:10 pm


    I am an extremely nice person expect when I interact with my mom, who is a narcissist and deserves the push-back . Unless a “good man” is spying on me interacting with my mother, he would have no reason to believe I am abrasive. I am very pleasant to be around.

    Additionally, I know dozens of really self-centered “-itches” that have very active love lives.

    And accomplishments? I was 24 yrs old going to graduate school at UCLA and a man rejected me because I didn’t have a job. A job? I was a full-time graduate student!

    My suggestion? Rewrite this article because it doesn’t ring true.

    • Deborah Edgerton on October 9, 2019 at 8:10 pm

      You have brought up some very important points. There is still an issue that is escalating right before our eyes everyday. The majority of men and women don’t know what gender they are. Please comment on this issue and thanks for all you do.

  5. Monika @ ispace1.com on August 17, 2018 at 12:05 pm

    very useful article on why we are not attracting good men, something every woman can agree on as they go through the same problem at some point!

  6. Celestron Metalchild on May 19, 2019 at 2:55 pm

    “men respond to women initiate conversation” is total bullshit. I get ignored a lot.

  7. Sam on May 20, 2021 at 6:02 pm

    This article is bullshit. You just don’t want women calling you out on your stupidity or bullshit.

    • Cindy on July 25, 2022 at 5:44 pm

      Stop using sexuality like a damn teenager. It doesn’t work for any guy whose looking for relationship material.

  8. How do I know if I am attractive? on August 19, 2022 at 4:10 am

    […] Reference 4 […]

  9. Nettie on February 9, 2023 at 10:04 pm

    Your article is otherwise be insightful. But I will call out a few things. I’ve forever been complemented ‘level headed’ and ‘good natured’ which offended me in my youth. As guys didn’t find such attributes attractive supposedly. Then I discovered they were too immature to appreciate it. However, the older and mature ones were already married or taken. Talk about catch 22. Sucked all around. Every good man worth having was already “haved” Today, there’s been little progress in the singles dating world since the Covid. Too many trolls posing as decent men/women, wrecking online et-al dating for the lot. Show us REAL men and women who truly WANT what you call “Relationship” and/or marriage, and we’ll talk.

  10. […] article was originally published at James M. Sama. Reprinted with permission from the […]

  11. […] article was originally published in James M. Same. Reprinted with permission of the […]

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