If You Want a Man to Put in More Effort, Give Him a Purpose


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This may be a bit of a ‘What came first, the chicken, or the egg?” scenario, but hear me out.

There seems to be a direct correlation between men putting less effort into a relationship, and men having fewer responsibilities in said relationship.

**EDIT** Judging by some comments received, I need to clarify further: I am NOT saying you need to give a man a purpose in LIFE – that comes from him. I mean changing a tire, washing the car, finding your lost set of keys. This will make sense in the context of the article, please read on.


By this, I mean, men have (Traditionally) been the breadwinners and had expectations they needed to meet in order to support a family, make his wife happy, et cetera.

That, is no more.

Single working moms who do everything themselves, female CEO’s who run enormous empires, high powered female political figures.

Men really don’t feel as ‘needed’ as we once did. Why? Because we’re not needed.

Now, that being said, I think we can all agree that society is far better off than it was in the olden-days, where women had limited rights and were generally placed behind men in all scenarios – I have spent years encouraging equal treatment between men and women, so that is not what this is about.

What this is about, is the biological nature of males to want to be providers. Protectors. Contributors. This is how we feel validated, and this is also how we express our love.

Related: 10 Lessons I’ve Learned About What it Means to Be a Real Gentleman

And, men have egos. Sometimes easily damaged egos that make us fall back and shrink into a smaller version of ourselves when we’re no longer needed or (feel) wanted. So, the less that one feels as if his efforts are needed, the less he will contribute, the more his significant other will pick up the slack.

I believe it is a man’s job in a relationship to empower the woman he’s with. To support her in her endeavors, and to encourage her on her journeys. To nourish her soul in a way that is specific to her and what she needs.

But that also means it is a woman’s job to empower the man in her life, as well. And – men need to feel useful in order to be empowered.

Have you ever seen a man actually get excited to do you a favor? Maybe it means washing your car, or driving you to the airport, or bragging about your accomplishments to his friends.


He becomes enthusiastic because he’s got a purpose. He’s helping you, and adding value to your life. By doing so, it helps for him to tap into that instinct of providing and protecting, even though you don’t actually need him to do it.

Believe it or not – men are willing to put in more effort and do things for you, but they often times need the green light or opportunity to go ahead and do it.

Many men these days are a little skittish about doing things for women because they don’t want to be called out for supplicating her or trying to ‘take charge’ of something that she takes pride in. So, they’ll just hang back.

I’m not saying it’s the correct approach, but I think it really speaks to the evolution of relationships and how a lot of men are feeling confused about their place in the world.

If we can work together to help each other be the best version of ourselves, then we are going to associate positive emotions with the person we’re with, and keep wanting to feed the fire. If a man feels good by contributing to your life, and therefore continues to do so, where’s the harm?

We know you don’t need us – but we want you to want us. And one of the best ways of allowing the man in your life to flourish, is to give him the opportunity to do so.


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  1. Mary Brown on August 16, 2017 at 5:31 pm

    Where is he at?Sounds like a man after God’s heart n mines.All these things r well n dandy.It’s frustrating for me that’s what I want in a man n not a single gentleman I know has ask me out on a date.I would love n I mean love n be more than happy, excited,over joyed to pass the paton on to him.I’m tired cause like u said I agree 100% I want him to provide, protect me n open up doors etc,we work together in life to accomplish something..Iv’e been told by a man of 20+yrs marriage it’s not his job to provide for me It’s my job to provide for myself.I had expensive taste n provide for myself. His job is to take care of the children.So don’t ever tell a woman that’s independent that cause she will.However I know in my heart men r supposed to be head n the soul provider If I had someone n he said I want to take care of u n maybe spoil me a little lol.I would literally shout n praise the Lord Hallelujah n say when do u plan on starting this process?👍Hopeful right now.I could use all the help I can get n than some.Thanks

  2. Cindy C on August 17, 2017 at 11:13 am

    I am 48 yrs old and was raised in a home that my mother did not work and took care of 4 children while my father worked. He was what everyone wants to call “old School” or old fashioned. He worked came home, worked around the house, hunted etc etc. He ALSO was a gentleman and treated my mother as a lady until the day she passed away. He also raised my brothers to treat women the same way. Open doors, hold the chair out and order for them at a restaurant. They have all 3 had long relationships with strong women that enjoy them treating them as lady’s. With my brothers they don’t even think about it, it is just a part of who they are. I am in love with a man who does the same things for me also. He gets odd looks when he opens doors for me and also puts in orders for me when we go out to eat. I have my own career and contribute to the household bills every month. I in no means feel slighted nor do I feel I HAVE to do so. I do this on my own free will. I could EASILY be on my own and do so in a very decent way. I was a single mom for 10yrs of 2 sons. I also raised them with the same “old fashioned” manners. It has at times bothered me and down right pissed me off when my sons as teenager’s opened doors for women young and old and have actually been snapped at with “I don’t need you to do that for me I can do that for myself”.
    I see article after article where women are screaming to be “treated equal” and then want to bitch moan and groan when they get just that. You can be a strong woman and still have a man treat you like a lady.
    I also don’t understand women NOT wanting to be treated as a lady.

  3. BlissMenagerie on August 20, 2017 at 1:19 pm

    I agree…”Put me on a Pedestal and I will put you on a throne.” Reciprocity is everything.

  4. […] artículo se publicó originalmente el James M Sama. Reimpreso con el permiso del […]

  5. […] article was originally published at James M Sama. Reprinted with permission from the […]

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