A Letter To All Single Men About Dating
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My fellow gentlemen,
I write this as one of you – one of you currently finding himself back in the dating scene and having conversations with single women about their dating experiences in today’s society. Every experience from weird Tinder messages to an actual series of interactions which essentially seemed to compile themselves into some sort of relationship, but for some reason…didn’t, really. I don’t know.
One of the things that seems to be consistent in my conversations though, is that people are just sort of generally clueless about what is going on when it comes to ‘dating,’ if we can call it that. I mean men and women. Clueless. They are clueless because very rarely are any intentions stated and very rarely are any real promises actually followed through with. Men and women seem to talk to each other as if they’re about to walk down the aisle and then just kind of, stop.
Nobody even knows who is doing what anymore. I don’t know who is “dating” or “talking” or “texting” or whatever the kids are calling it these days. What constitutes an actual relationship? Is it when you are Facebook official?
I love social media. I am a social media fiend, that’s where I spend all of my time. But I think it has shot a few holes into what it means to actually build a relationship with someone. As men, we are expected to be the ones who pursue the lady of our choosing – but how are we supposed to choose when we have thousands of Facebook friends and countless supermodels in the “people you may know” suggestions. Am I right? Eh, kinda.
But at this point it’s sort of like, what is it that you’re looking for? Maybe it’s not much, maybe you’re still in that phase where you want to go out and do your thing and have your fun. I went through that phase, it was great. For awhile. Then it got boring. Hollow. Empty. Unsatisfying. Because what is it really but a bunch of shells of things that have a semblance of a relationship? That’s exactly what it is. People bumping into each other and grunting some series of sounds that is somehow understood as “want to come home?” answered by “yuh.” and you’ve got dating in the 21st century.
I think a lot of men are out there sort of using the shotgun strategy. That is, shooting a bunch of stuff up against the wall and figuring that eventually something is going to get hit. In other words, date a lot of different women all at once, let them drop off one by one, until you are left with a final choice that maybe you’ll get into a relationship with.
Actually…that sounds like it has some potential to become a TV show. Someone should get on that.
Anyway, I think this is part of the problem. This is part of the problem because we are not really focusing on a woman who has gotten our attention. We are not putting all of the distractions aside and saying yes! This girl! I want to know more about this one. And then, learning. Spending time with her. Having actual conversations and spending time together. It seems to have become too easy to copy and paste texts and Facebook messages to each other and just see who responds. Maybe this is useful if you are just looking to go out and have fun, but it certainly is not so great if the woman on the receiving end is taking you seriously.
Maybe she is taking you seriously because you sound serious. Maybe you are saying things that you don’t really mean and getting her hopes up. And then when you disappear like the five other guys before you she is left staring at her computer screen looking at “Seen” under every message she’s sent you and wondering why you haven’t responded, when in reality, you never really had any intention of taking her out in the first place.
As this cycle continues, the rest of us are getting a bad wrap. Those of us who actually do want to find something real and genuine with the right type of woman. But maybe that right woman was one of the 27 recipients of your random message who now has trust issues because you weren’t the first guy to do that. And now the rest of us are starting behind the 8-ball and have to turn a normal conversation into a sales pitch to get her to believe that we are not just another cardboard cutout of Johnny Bravo who flexed his biceps and wavy hair at her on Tinder.
So, what am I really getting at here? What I’m getting at is that we need to take a step back and re-evaluate how we are doing things. How we are approaching women, dating, courtship, and relationships. How we are approaching each other as human beings with real feelings – not as a random phone number or name that has popped up on your phone along with 12 others.
We need to bring back the concept of actually building and developing a foundation. A connection. An emotional bond between two people that will actually allow us to grow alongside someone, because as a culture we are losing our grip on this. In turn, we are losing our grip on our own emotional stability and we are dragging women down with us.
If you want something serious, tell her. If you don’t want something serious, tell her. It is time that men started being more honest and trustworthy. Any mature woman would much rather you be honest and up front from the get-go rather than find out months down the road that you were never who she thought.
I know for me, when I meet a woman who I can genuinely see something long term with, I lose interest in talking to everyone else that I didn’t feel that with. I think if you are talking to a woman for more than a few weeks and are still talking to many others, none of them are probably really right for you. If they were, you would crave that realness. That connection. That depth with her – and only her.
Be honest, be real, and be yourself. You don’t have to be perfect to make her happy, you just have to be the man you said you were when you first met her.
One of you.
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