7 Big Relationship Mistakes Men Make
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I had a very interesting phone conversation last night with a woman in Los Angeles who finds herself immersed in the LA dating scene (which, as you can imagine, is unique).
We discussed some recent experiences that she has had with men, and while some of them were a little different from what I usually hear, some of them were also consistent with issues that I felt I had discussed multiple times before with multiple different women about multiple different men. What does this mean?
It means there are consistencies. There are, for some reason, mistakes that many men (probably myself included) are making when it comes to being in a relationship. In this article, we will discuss some of them in order to help all of us become more aware of where we can improve, and work to become better.
You have never really learned about women.
This has always surprised me a little bit. People (men and women) spend years of their life learning about business, history, science, and whatever subject comes our way. But when it comes to the one thing every single one of us shares – relationships – many are generally clueless. Time is not taken to observe, talk to, or learn about the opposite sex.
The more effort you put into learning about women, particularly the one in your life, the more likely you are to be in tune with her feelings, emotions, likes and dislikes. This will of course lead to a smoother, happier relationship because you can anticipate her wants and needs in order to act on them. You don’t need to be a mind reader, you just need to put in a little effort.
You don’t make her a priority.
More than one conversation I have had recently has focused on men who were either so submerged in their career, business, friends, or other interests that they barely made time to spend with their own girlfriend. As an entrepreneur, I understand the importance of focusing on business and progress, but I also understand the beauty and depth a relationship can bring to your life, and the importance of playing your equal role in it.
The woman in your life wants to feel valued. She wants to feel adored. She wants you to be emotionally present when you are with her. She doesn’t need to have you around constantly, but of course she wants to feel loved, just like you do.
If you stop putting in effort to make the woman in your life feel special every day, you lose your right to complain when someone else does.
You didn’t work to build a foundation.
A foundation of friendship and trust is essential to every relationship, much like a first building a foundation is essential to building a house. Without it, things may look solid from the outside but will be crumbling from the inside.
Many men shy away from friendship with women because they are scared of being in the ‘friend zone’ and never having more than that with a woman they have feelings for. But it is important to realize that many relationships are built off of friendships. That is what keeps two people together in the long term. She needs to know she can count on you, that you will be there, that you are the real deal.
You can have a friendship without a relationship, but you can’t have a relationship without a friendship.
You are inconsistent.
Another one of the most common questions I get from women about men is: Why are men so hot and cold? Men can be talking about commitment and a relationship one day, and then completely disappear the next. What gives?
I understand that as men in the social media era we have options. We can easily X out a conversation and start a new one while easily forgetting about the last one. It is an unfortunate side effect of the out of sight, out of mind mentality that comes along with constant information overload. But one thing has not changed: The fact that you are talking to real human beings with real feelings and emotions.
If you are interested in her, tell her. If you are not interested in her, tell her. A gentleman will never allow a woman to fall if he does not intend on catching her.
You have not yet defined yourself or your own path.
I know that this was a big hang-up for me for a long time. I wasn’t really sure who I was as a person, who I wanted to be, or who I wanted to become. For that reason (and others) I knew I wasn’t going to be ready for a relationship until I had at least a better grip on those questions.
In order to be happy with someone else, you first need to be happy with yourself. That is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be either.
The idea of “you complete me” is romantic, but it is not realistic. A relationship is not about two people who complete each other, it’s about two people who are already whole and accept each other completely.
You put in part-time effort.
Healthy relationships are not a part time commitment. The woman you are with is not just another option or a way to pass your time, and she shouldn’t be made to feel like she is.
When you are with her, be with her. When you are not with her, let her know you’re thinking about her. A relationship is a team, and teams fall apart when one of the members doesn’t pull their own weight.
As mentioned earlier, she needs to know that you will be there for her during good times and during bad times. If you always seem to be just sort of kind of committed, she will eventually realize she is better off being single or finding someone who gives her what she needs.
You are clueless about how she’s feeling.
On a deeper level than the first point about not really learning about women, you also need to make sure you learn about her. About the one woman who you have committed your time and effort to. If you do not put in the effort to become in-tune with how she is feeling or what she is communicating to you non-verbally, you will never be able to form the type of deep, emotional connection that a healthy relationship should possess.
She doesn’t want or need you to be a psychic. But if you truly put in the time and effort to communicate with her, listen to her, and pay attention to the things she is saying to you when she’s not actually speaking; you will gain a greater understanding of the woman you love and ultimately be able to bring more happiness to you both as individuals and to your relationship.
Relationships should not be as complicated as they seem to be for our generation. They don’t need rules or checklists. But what they do need is two people who are willing to learn, understand, and communicate. Two people who will stand by each other when things are good, and when things are bad.
Two people who are willing to work together as a team. Because in the end, the team wins the game.
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Great read! Two questions. How can I help my man become better with these things? Also, what are common relationship relationship mistakes women make? I finally have a man that treats me better than I have ever been treated in my life, and thats saying a lot b/c I am pushing 40. So, I want to be more aware to help both of us in the process.
P.S I love your blog. Its hands down my favorite one, even better all of the mainstream ‘popular’ ones I read every so often. I hope your utilizing you talent in all the productive ways you can