5 Reasons Women Should Make The First Move


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Whoa whoa, slow down…an article about women making the first move on a blog about chivalry and romance? What gives?

First – let me make myself clear. When we use the term “first move” it can be something as small as a woman simply making eye contact with a man or giving him a smile. Opening the proverbial door of communication and signaling to him that she is open to be approached or have a conversation. I am certainly not suggesting that a woman should throw herself at every man in the room or take away his masculinity by tearing the dating reins out of his hands.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, I am frequently asked about my thoughts on women making the first move if they are interested in a man and he is not making the advances that she would like him to make. This is a topic that I have considered writing about for some time now but have not yet tackled.


Do I believe that men should still take the lead when it comes to the courtship process? Yes. Absolutely. But are there times where the woman may have to give him a little push in order to set the cycle into motion? Yep.

Here are a few reasons why.


It is better to regret than to wonder.

This is something that men already know too well. We understand the hollow feeling after letting that momentary window pass where we could have said hello. Where we could have approached a woman, or picked up that thing she dropped, or smiled when we made eye contact – but didn’t. We know all too well the feeling of “what if?” And, it sucks.

You are a strong, independent, assertive woman living in the 21st century. If there is a man you are interested or want to say hello to, then make your interests known. You never know who may be dying to talk to you but just doesn’t know how to take the plunge. Open the door for him and allow him to walk through it.

Men’s egos are on the line when we approach women.

This is something not many men will admit to, but I’m going to lay it all out on the table right now. It doesn’t matter who a man is or how confident he is in himself, there is always that flutter he feels in his chest before he approaches a woman whom he doesn’t know. Will she be friendly? Will she give him attitude? Is she here with her boyfriend?

This is something that we don’t often talk about as a society, but it consistently looms over every single man’s head. By approaching a woman we are taking the risk of our confidence being bruised. I understand I am not making the act itself sound too appealing for you, but refer back to the first point and understand that it will be incredibly rare that a man will not jump at the chance to enter into a conversation with you. He just may be too nervous to start it himself.

Keep in mind – odds are he has been rejected often by women, whether it be out at a bar or online dating. Eventually it becomes more and more difficult to endure the chance of that rejection, again.


If not you, who?

You want to get to know this man. You want to start a conversation and learn more about him. And why shouldn’t you? You are a beautiful, intelligent woman with a lot to offer. Don’t you deserve the chance to show him how amazing you are?

(S)he who hesitates is lost, as they say – and by hanging back and not making a move, you are risking the chance of him starting up a conversation with someone else, perhaps simply because of the circumstance that she is standing closer to him. You will end up kicking yourself as you watch them exchange phone numbers.

It will absolutely make his day.

Do you know how often men usually get approached? Practically never. Society and tradition tells us that we are the ones who have to do the approaching. Again, by doing so, we consistently risk rejection and very often face it.

It is a more than welcome change of pace to have a woman start up a conversation with us. Some of us don’t need anything more than a “hello” to rocket ourselves into being charming and humorous. Not to mention, men want to be wanted and desired as well. A woman actually starting a conversation with us will make us feel more confident and give us the mental freedom to engage with you further.

You need to take control of your own happiness.

Life is not something that just happens to us. It is something that we need to take control of in order to create the situations and outcomes that we want. If you sit on the sidelines and wait for Prince Charming to come ask you to dance, you leave the time frame in his hands. You give up control and willingly become a witness to your own life as it happens around you.

Everything you’ve ever wanted is right outside of your comfort zone. All you need to do is step outside of it and begin creating the life you want. He will love you for it.

Let’s not forget that men love confident women. Confident women are sexy. Confident women are ambitious. Confident women go after what they want – and when they want him, that is the best combination of all.



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  1. OilyQueen on September 15, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Ok, so you’ve made the first move. You’ve let him know you’re interested, he’s done the same thing. You KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is into you. Women you don’t know well are already jealous of you because he talks about you behind your back…..but he hasn’t made the move toward a date. What’s up with that??

    • dave on November 15, 2015 at 10:06 pm

      Then make the “FIRST MOVE” and ask HIM out! What is the big deal?

  2. Steve Horsmon on September 15, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Hi OilyQueen,

    Great article, James!

    Time to see what he’s made of. Do you have the balls to say this to him?:

    “Hey mister, I’m a girl who’s not afraid to let a guy know I like him. But the man I really want to spend time with isn’t afraid to take my cue and run with it. What’s it going be, sweet cheeks?” (say this smiling in that cute, girly way you do)

    If he runs good. You’ve got your answer. If he leans into you and takes the lead, good. You’ve got your answer.

    Be bold, girl. Be courageous. That’s the guy you want to date, right?

    • OilyQueen on September 15, 2014 at 2:44 pm

      I have been bold. I’ve put myself out there and told him how I feel. I know he feels the same way because he’s told me. I’m just trying to figure out if he’s just scared of getting hurt, in which case I’m good with giving him time, or if he’s lying to get me in the sack. And yes I want to date him. I see potential for a future, I just don’t want to waste my time.

    • Pamela Ross on September 15, 2014 at 2:51 pm

      I find myself being very cynical when it comes to me because of crap like this. I don’t trust easily, but I would trust him with my life. My heart, unfortunately, is a different story. I don’t trust my heart to just anyone, because it’s been broken WAY too many times.

  3. clickmybic on September 15, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    “It will absolutely make his day.

    Do you know how often men usually get approached? Practically never.”

    I have been saying this forever. No matter how attractive the man. We don’t get approached, LOL. My chest would be puffed up for MONTHS if a woman initiated conversation with me.

    • Pamela Ross on September 15, 2014 at 4:18 pm

      Funny part of your comment? I approached a guy a few months back, initiated conversation and the whole 9. His response? Apparently I’m so desperate that I’ll drive TO HIM, in THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, because he’s horny. So not all guys are worth your approaching them. At least in my case that was incorrect. I made it clear to said “Man” that I’m not that kind of girl and he needed to quit waking me up in the middle of the night for a booty call. His response to THAT? cut off all contact. That would be OUR (meaning women) reasons for not initiating contact. Because our rejection? a whole lot worse and a lot longer lasting than an initial “I’m not interested.” Personally, I would rather hear that right up front and deal with about 5 minutes of rejection than 5 months of being led along (yes, he pulled his crap for that long. I was fine being friends then he tried all the other crap).

      • clickmybic on October 1, 2014 at 2:53 pm

        I’m with you. Some dudes see an olive branch and they immediately try to plant a damn forest. I know why women don’t initiate on a regular. It makes me want to curse out my gender every time because there is nothing more attractive to a guy like me who wouldn’t abuse it (not tooting my own horn, I’m not perfect).

  4. Brett on September 15, 2014 at 4:41 pm


    YES, to “It will absolutely make his day”. I normally send a good morning text to the woman I am currently seeing, but as I get into work before she is even awake I usually wait till she is driving to work. A few times she has been preemptive in saying “Good morning, have a good day”. It absolutely puts a smile on my face, and makes the day much better.

  5. Sandra on September 15, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    Love your articles! Just one correction: you are using the wrong form of “reigns”. Reigns has to do with reigning over a kingdom. “Taking the reins” is the accurate spelling and usage.

    Keep up the good work, we need more men to stand up and be counted like you!

    • James Michael Sama on September 15, 2014 at 5:43 pm

      Thanks so much Sandra! Always appreciative of people pointing out typos. Will fix it right now. 🙂

      Also thank you for the kind words, I am doing my best to really spread these messages as far as I can. Believe me, your support means a lot!

      – JMS

  6. Mary Brown on September 15, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    Hello Mr.man, I did this n done that.I feel that a man needs to ask me out.I’m not asking anyone to dance no more,nor for a phone number.I asked this one nice gentlemen to dance n his number he gave me his number we became very close best friends.I think he is the one he just needs to move forward on his own n make it happen.This was my first time asking any man to dance n number.This man had something special about him from day I meet him.he had this red n white candy stripe shirt n a nice smile n awesome personality n great sense of humor it was like I been knowing him forever,also seems like it’s taking forever for him to move forward.I’m really beginning to accept he’s not interested so I’m doing me n if I meet someone soon awesome if not awesome still.I thank Jesus just getting to know him was good enough 🙂 so if a nice handsome gentlemen is interested he needs to make a move n ask me out asap :-).I can guarantee someone else will real soon I can feel it.Jesus gives us opportunity it’s up to us to move forward he’s not going to pick up your legs or phone for u,u have to do this all by yourself.if a man ask me out I know he’s serious if he puts forth efforts towards me n I’m not talking about every guy cause I been asked out.I’m talking about the man I love n want only:-)I say ask her out right now.it would be a pity to wait n wait n find out u waited a little too long to approach a good woman n someone else come n get your good thing as Jesus calls her.also as she calls herself 🙂 always good articles n food for thought.I say a good woman is waiting on a great man to ask her she will say yes guaranteed have some faith even if it’s little faith go for it.u have not cause u asked not.Thanks have a great day Mary dulin

    • s.mercon@yahoo.com on May 1, 2016 at 10:03 pm

      Please remember all of your “men feel entitled” and “women owe men nothing” speeches before you EVER say that she will say yes “guaranteed”. Men have learned that lesson and no longer bother to ask.

  7. Naicker, Jeeva J on September 16, 2014 at 3:36 am

    Have a great day..

  8. Evelyn on September 16, 2014 at 11:28 pm

    I have been “hanging out” with this guy who lives in my apartment complex for about two months. I initiated the relationship when I recognized him at the library and said hi. We have hung out almost every weekend since for a few hours at a time. Sometimes he invites me to random shopping expeditions, sometimes we just go to the farmers market or library together. He’s had dinner with me and one of my good friends. I really like him and want to get to know him better. But I’m not sure if he sees this as plutonic or as having a possibility to develop into something more, like I do. Should I take the lead again and let him know at least how much I enjoy his company? Or should I just roll with it?

    Always enjoy your posts James. Thanks for reminding us there are good men out there.

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