Regardless of how confident a man is or how successful he is in every other area of his life, it is entirely possible that he is reduced to a quivering pre-pubescent boy when it comes to one scenario: Women.
I don’t think we ever really lose the sweaty-palms feeling before approaching or having a great conversation with a woman we are really interested in. Like, really interested. I understand this may be a surprise to some women, but that is because this is not something men are typically comfortable talking about. We always want to come across as confident. Cool, calm, and collected. But in reality we are more than likely nervous and not really sure how we are going to come across to you. This can cause us to slip up often and not be the Casanova that we probably think we are.
So, guys, below are five solutions to mistakes we typically make when flirting or conversing with someone who has really grabbed our attention.
Pay close attention to her signals.
One of the things I often notice and hear about men is a less-than-perfect ability to pick up on signs and signals from a woman. Subtle things like body language and tone of voice can entirely change the trajectory of your conversation, if you are aware of it.
This is a big issue because if you notice she is perhaps leaning away from you, eyes wandering around the room, crossing her arms in front of her, or any other signals of disinterest – you need to adjust your approach immediately (or completely back off) to avoid the risk of making things worse. Conversely, the opposite of any of those actions will signal her interest in you and hold the door open for you to make a small advance or two (touching her arm when you’re laughing, for example) and gauge her reaction.
The more in-tune with her mood that you are, the quicker you will be able to adjust one way or another. Don’t just plow through the conversation without realizing that it’s one-sided.
Don’t wait that long to contact her.
So you’ve played your cards right and gotten her number – don’t fall prey to the “3 day rule” that has plagued daters since the phone was invented. If you wait three days, or even two days, she will likely assume that you are not really interested and may not take your subsequent dinner invitation seriously.
How long to wait? It depends on how interested in you she seemed to be (See point #1), but I would say a friendly text the next day is a good way to continue your conversation.
Go with the flow.
Too many men enter into a conversation with a goal or result that they’re looking for (taking her home, getting her number, whatever) and it is blatantly obvious to the woman from the get-go, even though he doesn’t realize it. Instead of having a destination to your interaction, try just enjoying the interaction itself.
If you put too much pressure on yourself to be “successful” it will put a cloud over the entire conversation, and she will feel it. If you allow things to flow naturally and just go with it, you will actually have a far better chance of the both of you enjoying each others’ company and, naturally, want to see each other again.
Lay off the “negs.”
Inside information alert! If you have ever heard of the term “Pick Up Artist,” or PUA, you may or may not know that one of the most sought after tools in their arsenal is called a “neg.” A neg is designed to be what is called a backhanded compliment in the sense that it resembles a third grader who pokes fun at the girl he likes because that’s what he thinks will get her attention.
Obviously this can be fun and flirty if she has the right personality, but men can tend to take it a little too far and come across as insulting. Avoid the “No, that’s not what I meant!” debacle by just being genuine with her. If she is playful and sarcastic, then by all means – keep up. But stay within the boundaries of discretion.
Make your intentions known.
In point #3 I said not to have an explicit end game for your conversation, but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be one that develops along the way. There will inevitably be a close to your conversation whether you are in line at the grocery store or closing down the bar at 2:00 am. So, what happens then?
If you’ve enjoyed your time together, then by all means, ask for her number. Let her know you are interested. At the very least, send her a friend request on Facebook. Do something. Fortune favors the brave, my friend – and unless she offers up her number without you asking, you’re going to have to make a move if you want things to move forward.
I often hear stories from women about how they were having a great time with a guy but he didn’t make any attempt to “close.” This could very well go back to being nervous or hesitant, but women like confident men for a reason: They go after what they want.
Obviously there is no checklist when it comes to being successful with women, even though that is what some people try to tell you. But, you can learn and apply basic principles that are useful in all aspects of life, whether it be personal or professional.
Take a deep breath, make sure you are both comfortable, pay attention to her, smile often, and dammit man, ask her on a proper date.
She just might say yes.
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