Change Your Identity To Change Your Life


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On my constant quest for self-improvement, and knowledge related to it, I frequently find myself coming across pearls of wisdom that I am motivated to share with you all.

On the topic of dating and relationships, it is often said that “we accept the love we think we deserve,” and often do not receive anything more, because we end up settling.

But what is the deeper route of this issue? When we think of it as our “identity,” we can start to uncover patterns and start working to change them.

For example – let’s say you are trying to quit smoking. You may define yourself as a smoker until X amount of days after your last puff. If you still see yourself in this light, you will be more susceptible to going back on your commitment to yourself because, well, you are a smoker after all.

But what if you started framing yourself as “not a smoker”? I have personally never smoked a cigarette, so if someone asks me if I want one, the answer is easy: “No thanks, I don’t smoke.” This simple phrase does more than just politely turn down the offer, it literally defines who you are in this case. You are not a smoker.

Why does an athlete get up every single morning and train before they do anything else with their day? Because they are an athlete, and any other action besides that would be inconsistent with their reality. Make sense?

Tony Robbins says “The strongest force in the universe is a human being living consistently with his identity.” The more we explore these scenarios, the more we see it ringing true.

Do you think anyone who genuinely believes they are “big boned” will ever be able to lose weight, no matter how hard they try? No – because they have defined themselves as such and will always be sabotaging their own progress in order to remain consistent with their identity. (I understand there are some health issues that prevent people from losing weight, but that’s not what we are talking about here).

So – on the subject of love – in order to find the love that we truly deserve, the first step is to actually believe that we do deserve it. We can easily see these patterns remaining consistent, it is only natural to accept someone who doesn’t treat us as well into our lives if that’s the best we think we can do. On the flip side, people who have higher self-image and self-worth will of course, reject anyone who does not meet the standards of how they expect to be treated.

Do whatever you have to in order to change your patterns. Have your daily alarm on your phone read “Raise your standards today.” Change your passwords to reflect a positive change. Make consistent, small adjustments that will always remind you of your value.

Set the bar for what you will accept in life – and then never lower it.


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  1. sewloveable on July 14, 2014 at 11:30 am

    I LOVE the content, that you write. Such a great and well written post.

  2. surfercajun on July 14, 2014 at 11:48 am

    excellent food for thought! Funny enough I had done the password thing before this article even came out! Now I know I am currently on the correct track of thought! Thank you!!!! Let us all continue to improve!

  3. Silvio Ricca on July 14, 2014 at 11:57 am

    HI James” you have neatly tucked this one in the realism of self-improvement with an easy sway to binding friend-ships . Well done —Love Nonno..

  4. Danz Social Blog on July 14, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    Reblogged this on Danz Social Blog and commented:
    Well said James.

  5. Susan Soth on July 14, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    This is so spot on for me. I’ve so changed how I, not others, think of me. I was in Greece in ’12 and was bitching about something I’d said or done, and my friend looked me in my eyes and said “I don’t ever want to hear you talking about my friend that way.” It changed how I thought about myself. That’s been one of many small, but pivotal, moments in my life.

    Sending you a hug…😊


    Sent from my iPhone Susan O. Soth 1-713-829-2194


  6. Little Miss Menopause on July 14, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    Ahh, one of your finest!!

  7. Matt on July 14, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Question for you James, I think Ive set my bar pretty high for what I expect out of my next relationship. Ive made the changes I need to bring myself to that level (to avoid the double standard comments), but I will say its few and far between meeting anyone remotely close.

    I have a friend who says I should date ‘just to date’ (you never know what you might stumble upon), yet another says I should be picky and screen people out before even pursing them. Just feel like im at a crossroads, not sure which way I should go.

    I am fine being on my own, I dont NEED a partner. Although one to compliment my life and I hers would be nice.

  8. Anthony O. Porter on July 14, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    Thank you, James. This was great. I really love the content. God’s blessings always…

  9. Travlinwoman on July 14, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Travlinwoman on July 14, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    Reblogged this on Travlinwoman and commented:
    I found this gem and absolutely had to share it! Besos, mundo!

  11. ExciteSEO on July 21, 2014 at 2:20 am

    awesome,hope you dont mind if I share this

  12. Richard on August 7, 2014 at 5:55 pm

    Again, right on target

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