10 Signs He’s Secretly A Jerk

Not all men who are players are just players. Some work harder to put on more of an act in order to get, and keep your attention – but they’re not really who they say they are.

A guy who is ‘sending in his representative’ puts on a facade for even longer than it takes for a one night stand. He may keep up appearances for awhile but he does small things along the way that make you raise your eyebrows and wonder if he’s just a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Here are a few signs that he isn’t what he seems to be.



He is nice to you, but not those around you.

I always encourage women to pay attention to how the man they’re dating treats the waitress/waiter, bartender, doorman, those on the street, or others whom he has no formal interest in. His level of kindness towards people that he doesn’t anticipate seeing again will speak volumes about his personality.

There is a famous quote (attributed to multiple individuals) that says “The true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do nothing for him.” This is always something to keep in mind – words can be dishonest, but actions can’t.


He only talks about your looks.

If a man is pursuing you consistently but doesn’t actually seem to be interested in who you are as a person or what drives you in life, it may behoove you to question his intentions. Is he always only giving you physical compliments or just wanting you to come over to spend the night at his place?

If he is not actually working to learn about you, then it’s time to re-evaluate.


Your arguments get out of hand.

A gentleman who loses his temper frequently is no gentleman at all. A man of quality understands the importance of being able to control his emotions, and not the other way around – especially in terms of how he interacts with his girlfriend.

He could be the nicest guy in the world when things are going his way, but if he can’t handle disagreement or adversity, he is displaying some red flags you shouldn’t ignore.

In addition to this – if he is consistently getting into fights or conflicts when you’re out in public, his violent tendencies are likely to eventually permeate other areas of his life. Do not ignore it.


He never gives you straight answers.

A woman’s intuition is a powerful force, but so many choose to ignore it. If you feel that the man you’re with is hiding something from you or is always dodging important issues, then you need to listen to your gut and realize that he may not be being honest with you or could be hiding something from you.



You don’t feel like he trusts you.

Unless a man has a reason to distrust you, your relationship should be built on mutual respect and confidence in each other. If someone is accusatory or suspicious towards you when you haven’t done anything to deserve it, there is a chance he could be projecting his own dishonesties (I just made that word up) onto you.

In other words, he may be doing something wrong but placing blame onto you so you’ll feel guilty and won’t think to accuse him of the same injustice.


He talks badly about those who are close to him.

Is he all sunshine and rainbows when he is around his friends and family, but turns a whole other shade when the two of you are alone? Not everyone will get along famously with every family member or friend they have, but how are you supposed to trust someone who you know talks badly about those they “love” behind their backs, when he is supposed to love you also?


He doesn’t give you any freedom.

Do you feel like you can’t have your own friends or your own life? A man who is secure in himself, you, and your relationship – will trust you enough to understand that you both have your own lives and interests.

Trust your instincts – if he frames his obsessiveness to sound like genuine caring, but you feel suffocated and cut off from the world, he might be a fentleman.


He’s a different person when he’s with his friends.

Do his poker nights with his buddies consist of “women belong in the kitchen” jokes? Yikes. Is he just trying to act cool around them, or is this how he really feels and he is just playing the nice guy when he’s with you? Either way – it shows he is inconsistent in how he acts around different people, and that is a warning sign in itself.

How are you supposed to know how he acts around his friends when you’re not there? If you’re in a committed relationship, you probably know some of his friends or see them on Facebook. Odds are, they are a reflection of his real personality and vice versa. You are the company you keep, as they say.



He discourages you in any way.

Be very wary of any man who doesn’t fully stand behind you and support everything you want to do in life. If a man ever tries to discourage you from pursuing greatness in your life, it could be a red flag that he is too insecure to follow his own dreams, and he is worried that if you follow yours, you will outgrow him and move on.

You owe it to yourself to be with someone who will motivate you to grow and advance in life as he does the same himself.


He is emotionally or physically abusive towards you, ever.

It’s time to get serious for a moment. No matter how “nice” or “kind” or “gentlemanly” any man is, the second he shows you any sign of abuse, you absolutely cannot ignore or justify his actions. He is showing you who he really is and no amount of intermittent kindness can ever make up for it. You need to walk away immediately.


Some men are great at putting on a show for a woman that they are interested in. Sometimes the truth is that they are more interested in themselves and their own benefit. Once you start picking up signals that he is just doing or saying things to keep you around – you have to realize that you deserve better.

A man who puts in the bare minimum is like the employee who works just hard enough to not get fired. He will step up his game right before the hammer drops to keep his spot, and then it’s back to slacking off again.


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23 thoughts on “10 Signs He’s Secretly A Jerk

  1. I thought the article hit the nail on the head perfectly. Yes, David Waldorf is correct, I’ve seen both insecure women and insecure men do many of the things you mentioned above, but that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t be warned! I wish I had been warned about these things before I started dating again after my divorce. I believe I would have been saved some heartache if I had known. Thank you for your articles and keep them coming!

  2. I wish I saw this four years ago….would have prevented me from getting into a horrible relationship. Did learn a lesson from it though.

  3. See how he treats his mother. It’s a good indication of how he’ll treat you in the future.

    1. Seeing how he treated his mother helped me. Listening to him speak with his uncles in a poker game, with his aunts in the kitchen after a meal, with anyone, for that matter, helped me choose my husband. I also observed he was ambitious but not competitive.

    2. YES! Watch how he treats his mother – and his sisters. And all of the other points, too.
      And of course, this applies to women, also, “both sides do it” MRA dude….

    3. Yes but don’t roll your whole buck on that, some people just don’t have good relationships with their parents. But I guess there is also the difference in being a jerk and just not getting along. They should at least be respectful.

  4. Thank you for putting this so perfectly!!! I am wondering what it means if he is extra friendly with those he may not meet again? Like maybe to the point of flirting?

  5. Be very “weary” of any man who doesn’t fully stand behind you and support everything you want to do in life.
    You may be weary, yes – but I think you mean “wary”. From a teacher that loves your movement! 🙂

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