7 Ways To Get Over Your Ex
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Breakups are rough. We’ve all been there – sometimes by our own choice, sometimes because of our partner, and sometimes just because of circumstances. But sometimes what’s even worse than the breakup itself is the weeks after your ex leaves (or should leave) your life.
So, what can you do to make the healing process easier?
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Cut off all communication.
Unless there is an absolutely essential reason to stay in touch (like a child or apartment together), the best way to start getting over someone is to have literally zero contact with them. This means deleting them from Facebook, losing their number, and unfollowing them on twitter.
The less you actually see of them, the less you will think about them, and the easier it will be to move on. Absolutely can’t stand the thought of losing their number? Give it to a friend who you trust and then delete it from your phone to make the concept easier.
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Call your friends your ex hated.
Everyone has those one (or two…) friends who are a bad influence. The perpetually single menaces to society that live and breathe debauchery. These are the exact people you want to spend time with when you’re newly single, because they will put a positive spin on the situation and give you something to look forward to.
Instead of spending Friday night alone with a bottle of wine or (and?) whiskey, you’ll be filling your mind with thoughts of a fun night out with some friends.
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Accept your feelings and deal with them.
While distractions and staying busy are good, pretending that you’re not sad or upset is not good. It’s important to acknowledge the completely natural feelings that you’re having and to work through them. Each of us has a different way of doing this, some of us like to sit in our room with sad music and be alone, others get lost in a book or go to the gym.
Whatever your way of coping is, it’s important that you allow yourself the time to do it, otherwise you’ll never face the feelings you need to and they’ll stay with you much longer than they should. Just don’t give yourself too much time to wallow, the key here is to keep moving forward.
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Start a brand new hobby.
If you were in a long term relationship, it’s natural that much of your life was occupied by your partner. You had routines together, hobbies together, and plans together. To keep moving forward, you’ve got to minimize the things that you associate with them.
Take a new class, join a new group, do something that both gives you your own identity and puts you in situations where you’ll be meeting new people. This will fill your schedule with new and exciting things, and help you progress in the process.
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Make yourself look damn good.
Often times a breakup can lead to us questioning our self worth. Were we not good enough for that person? And if we weren’t, what makes us think we’ll be good enough for anyone else?
While these thoughts aren’t accurate, they’re emotionally expected and we’ve got to stifle them as quickly as possible. A great way to do this is to do something to make you feel better about yourself. It could be a new haircut, a gym membership, or spending next month’s rent on a kick ass outfit.
Whatever it is, the higher you can keep your self confidence – the better.
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Travel.
While familiarity helps build comfort, comfort can also place you into routines that you’re going to need to break in order to move on. Whether it’s a weekend away or a month long road trip, it’s important to immerse yourself in a new environment surrounded by new people. This will give you the chance to realize that there are millions of other men/women out there enjoying life, and you should be too.
You don’t need a huge budget to travel either, get in the car with a friend and drive as far as you can, split a motel and go out on the town.
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Remember why you broke up in the first place.
Too many people romanticize the past by seeing it better than it was. Sure, you two had amazing times together and built a fantastic relationship, but things (and people) change, and it probably ended for a reason.
By no means should you demonize your ex or the entire male/female gender, but injecting a little logic into your emotion during a time like this will help you see the relationship in a clearer light and to move past it.
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One of the biggest culprits of unhappiness in a relationship is staying in it, or going back to it, for far too long. Never let loneliness or comfort pull you back into the arms of someone who made you unhappy or didn’t treat you right. Sure, sometimes circumstances end relationships, but for the most part it’s because two people didn’t get along or belong together. Recognizing this is key.
Stay strong, stay positive, and most of all, stay true to yourself. There will be someone who comes along that appreciates you for you. Not every relationship will last forever, but they will teach and prepare you for the one that does.
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Just want to share that much of this advice is also pertinent if you lose a loved one. When the husband of a good friend passed away, she wallowed for a year to come to grips and then started traveling, meeting new people, diet was not necessary as she lost a lot of weight during the grieving process but she did go buy new clothing and spruced up her hair…anything to help her move forward.
How did you know this is just what I needed? I joined the gym, am going away in July and just this morning did some self-talk that went like this “what does the logical Abigail think? And now what is her heart thinking?” The logical Abigail won because the relationship was so one sided, with me loving more and doing more. It’s painful because you know you are awesome (and so do his friends and family) and you question why someone wouldn’t want you but that is their loss. Now I want to say, “Why should I want him?” Regaining your self worth is so important and knowing that all those qualities that you had going in are the same ones you have leaving. Losing yourself is worse than losing someone who doesn’t value you 100%. Thank you, James.
“The logical Abigail won because the relationship was so one sided, with me loving more and doing more. It’s painful because you know you are awesome (and so do his friends and family) and you question why someone wouldn’t want you but that is their loss. Now I want to say, “Why should I want him?” Regaining your self worth is so important and knowing that all those qualities that you had going in are the same ones you have leaving. Losing yourself is worse than losing someone who doesn’t value you 100%.”
These words sound like the exact words that would come out my mouth. This is me… I’m still trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t want him though. That I am worthy of more. I am very confident in my ability to persevere; however, I often question why he doesn’t want me when we were so great together? He says that we were great, the world was constantly praising our relationship, and so was I. I thought we were different. I honestly thought that we communicated better than most of our friends. I thought very highly of us as a unit.
Anyways, I totally feel where you’re coming from Abigail, and I’m so sorry you have to feel this way too! It sucks, to say the least.
happy healing
How did you know this is just what I needed? I joined the gym, am going away in July and just this morning did some self-talk that went like this “what does the logical Abigail think? And now what is her heart thinking?” The logical Abigail won because the relationship was so one sided, with me loving more and doing more. It’s painful because you know you are awesome (and so do his friends and family) and you question why someone wouldn’t want you but that is their loss. Now I want to say, “Why should I want him?” Regaining your self worth is so important and knowing that all those qualities that you had going in are the same ones you have leaving. Losing yourself is worse than losing someone who doesn’t value you 100%. Thank you, James.
Thank you. It was a very difficult decision to end things but for me it was best. And sadly he will continue to live with me for a few months until he can afford to support himself. Times will be hard but I will heal.
Everything in this blog post is good advice.
When I separated from a girl I’d been with for 12 years – we dated in high school and ended up married for 6 years – I tried to shrug off the separation like it wasn’t a big deal…after all, I didn’t want to be one of “those people”. After a couple weeks of trying to do this (and looking back, I failed miserably at it), a good buddy of mine cornered me and we had a talk. The relevant part:
Him: “You sad?”
Me: – excuses and downplaying-
Him: “Dude. You just broke up with somebody you’d been with since before you could grow a proper beard. You’re almost 30 now.”
Me: “Yeah, shit happens…so what?”
Him: “So take some time and be sad about it.”
It was good advice. I’m much better for having followed it.
That first suggestion is the best. So many times there are children involved but to the extent that one can accomplish this step there will definitely be more peace in one’s life.
Always a good one James. I went through every one of these over the last 8 months. Finances made it almost impossible to travel and get out there but I still managed to find a way out every now and then. Thanks to some great friends and a lot of motivation on my own part, I not only look better (thanks to crossfit), but ive put on a lot of muscle, my abs are showing (which ive never had), i feel great in my workouts, even if I still go to the same gym as my ex. I saw her last weekend during one of the saturday cardio workouts. I felt NOTHING. She was just another face there. I was too busy basking in the glory of kicking ass and thanking the people who said theyve noticed and watched me change from someone who said ‘I cant do that’ to ‘what cant I do?’.
I met so many new people, woman included who Ive had a great time with. A lot of the women I took out on dates never materialized past the first one….I got the ‘youre too good to be true, you just open doors and pull out my chair cuse you think im cute’ line. Their loss. My parents raised me to be a gentleman, its second nature to me and its their loss if they see it as ‘just another way to charm yourself into my pants’.
Restore your confidence people…I went through some really dark times but I came out for the better…and there will be someone waiting for me somewhere, but im having too much fun being single and enjoying life at the moment 🙂
[…] Here are 7 Dating Habits We Should Be Practicing, 5 Simple Ways To Keep Her Happy, and if your relationship has already ended – 7 Ways To Get Over Your Ex. […]
[…] http://jamesmsama.com/2014/05/14/7-ways-to-get-over-your-ex/ […]
August 2011, I lost the person I had been with for 6 years. Until about a year ago, I had been in rough shape. I had no sense of self-worth, I didn’t believe in myself at all, and I hated the world. I had bought a ring, planned the proposal, and then she ended it. So, that hit pretty hard.
I had been down for so long I almost forgot what it was like to be up. I finally started to do the things I used to enjoy before I dated her, and I began to pull myself out. I started a new hobby (Playing guitar), got with some of the friends that she didn’t like, and was reminded that life was way better with the people that make me happy, rather that spending time pretending that I was happy trying to figure out “why she was mad at me this time.”
This entire article reminded me of how much better Life can be without a toxic relationship in it. I actually did spend entirely too much money on basically an entirely new wardrobe. One that I wanted, and that made ME feel like a badass. So this article hit the nail right on the head. And now I’m in another relationship with someone who makes me incredibly happy. So, thank you for being there for me, James. Even though I’ve never met you, I feel like you are my friend. So. Thanks again! Looking forward to reading more of your articles all the time!
[…] have also written 7 Ways To Get Over Your Ex and Don’t Just Go Through Relationships, Grow Through Relationships, both along the same […]