7 Reasons She Won’t Go Out With You

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As these articles about chivalry and romance spread farther and farther, I find myself faced with more and more objections from men about how they do everything I mention, but it still “gets them nowhere” with women. This, of course, means they’re not getting what they want from said woman/women – a date or a relationship.

Allow me to say something that I don’t think really needs to be said. Opening a door or pulling out a chair for a woman won’t automatically overcome her with the desire to make little tiny knights in shining armor with you.

There is much more to being an attractive man than that, here are seven things to pay attention to.

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You are too nice.

Everyone already knows this, but there is a fine line between being a good guy, and being “the nice guy” – a man who rushes around the table to yank out a woman’s chair before she gets to it, or nearly breaks his neck doing an NFL-esque spin move around the front end of the car so you can open her door for her, does not come across as confident or romantic. He comes across as needy and trying way, way too hard.

Any act of kindness should be natural and casual, as if it is second nature (it should be, or at least believed to be), not forced or hurried. Stop it.

Aside from that, if you have no semblance of your own opinion or preferences, you will be seen as a doormat, someone who doesn’t challenge her intellectually, and subsequently dropped like a bag of dirty laundry.

You don’t look the part.

Alright, before you start typing up your hate mail, let’s remember not to shoot the messenger here. The blatant reality of the dating world is that looks do matter. Do you need to be Channing Tatum to get a date? Obviously not – but, it is important to be well-put together, well groomed, and well dressed.

I’ve used the term “well dressed” in the past and people have gotten bent out of shape because they don’t like wearing suits, or don’t own one. I didn’t say wear a suit. You can be just as well dressed in casual clothing – what matters is the cleanliness, the fit, and the appropriateness of the style.

The fact of the matter is that we are visual creatures and putting at least a little effort into your appearance matters.

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You pay no attention to what she wants.

When first courting or speaking to someone new, there are many cues you’ve got to pay attention to. If a woman isn’t answering your texts or is politely declining to spend time with you, continuing to push your own agenda will make it clear to her that you really don’t have any interest in what she’s conveying to you. 

If you are only concerned with your own interests during the courting process, why should she think you would make a good significant other?

You try way, way too hard.

This is different than being “too nice” as referenced above. Often times a woman might not even realize you are too nice until she already spends time with you, but what about before then?

We have all cringed at movies where a young boy will perform a splendidly romantic act for a popular girl who everyone knows will not be interested in him because he’s being desperate. Why translate this activity into adult behavior if we secretly know in our hearts it won’t work? 

Be casual and confident, if a woman thinks she is holding your volatile self-worth in her hands, she’ll stay far, far away.

She just got out of a relationship.

Sometimes, this isn’t just some empty excuse. It’s a real, emotional experience in the lives of men and women and often times we aren’t quick to jump into building something with someone new if we are still reeling from a breakup.

Even if it is an excuse, accept it, and move on. There are only two options if a woman is saying this to you:

1: She really just got out of a relationship. Stay in touch, remain friends, and see if things progress in the future.

2: She is saying it to politely let you down without hurting your feelings. Don’t push it, or you’ll force her to be honest and that won’t be good for anyone.

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She is just not interested.

Sorry man, but it really can be just this simple. With billions upon billions of people in the world, no two are the same. Everyone has their own unique preferences and things they look for in a partner, and we can only commit ourselves to one person at a time.

If you don’t fit what a woman is looking for in a relationship, all that means is that you don’t fit  what that one woman is looking for. Simple as that. On to the next.

She can see right through you.

A woman’s intuition is like x-ray vision towards men. If she feels that you are only pursuing her for a single goal or knows that you’re a player with a reputation, she won’t give you the time of day (if she wants something serious). 

If you’re not genuine and sincere, you will lose in the long run, and sometimes right off the bat.

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There is no formula for success with women. Relationships are not a science experiment where if you change X you will get Y. You can talk to and get to know hundreds of people (either gender) and still be surprised by the next one.

What’s important here, is that you continue to improve yourself while still remaining true to who you are as a person. Don’t get jaded or let rejection destroy your kindness. There will be someone who appreciates the man you are.

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20 Comments

  1. Ashley on March 15, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    “She can see right through you” is definitely true for me a lot.

  2. crazyguyinthailand on March 15, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    She will 🙂

  3. Big Cat Solutions on March 15, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Sharing this. I have had to be “brutally honest” before and it’s never fun for either party. I love the part about not pushing it if she says no.

  4. Macmac on March 15, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    this is informative and i liked “knowing what she wants”.

  5. Melissa on March 15, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    I have seen it happen SO much when it comes to guys not paying attention. They’re so caught up in what they want and to hell with your needs. It’s such a turn off.

    Life is not a romantic comedy. Everyone needs to quit approaching dating and relationships as if it were one.

  6. Matt on March 15, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Guys, be happy with yourself. Women can sense this too. It took me 6 months to get over my heartbreak but I went and hung out with friends in NYC and just had a good time not thinking about her and being happy and blessed with great friends and a solid career. Women actually came up to ME to strike up conversations!

    I set my priorities and focused on myself, got my confidence back and they can see it. While I havent really put thought into another relationship yet, there is someone out there who is right for every one of us.

    • James Michael Sama on March 15, 2014 at 3:31 pm

      Great advice, Matt. A lot of people (both men and women) pursue relationships before they are truly happy with themselves, and expect to find fulfillment in someone else’s approval of them.

      Kudos to you for learning that it comes from within, it took me awhile as well, but it’s life changing once you really grasp it.

      – JMS

      • Melissa on March 15, 2014 at 5:46 pm

        Exactly. I saw a quote the other day that describes so much of dating anymore- “Be careful who you date. Some people aren’t looking for love, they’re looking for therapy.”



  7. Diana on March 15, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    She doesn’t want someone who is being a gentleman just long enough to get her to go out…Or she just isn’t interested, and that’s fine. Women are under no obligation to go out with a man because he’s nice to her–and too many men don’t truly understand that if you’re just being nice for that reason, you’re not nice after all.

  8. megfeldy on March 15, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    Reblogged this on Puppies Cupcakes and Big Girl Panties and commented:
    My first re blog but I love this writer. Went to the bars last night in our college town and how often I want to not only give the girls a lesson about being classy but the guys a lesson about picking up chicks! Gentleman read this and learn! Simple easy steps!

    Ladies I will be writing your rules soon!

  9. jessiewa3 on March 16, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    Great post! I especially agree with the “too nice” part! Also, I totally dig that you mentioned showing confidence. A truly confident man (not arrogant though) is so attractive.

  10. Fitsploration on March 17, 2014 at 4:45 am

    Nicely stated as usual! Dating is a challenge for us all and this is a great summation.
    The truth is sometimes it’s you because we may sense some of those cues that say, “caution”.
    Sometimes it’s me knowing I’m not emotionally in a good place to date and can’t give it the attention needed (i.e. recently out of a relationship, healing old wounds, pursuing a personal goal)
    Sometimes it’s “us” and I sense our quirks or lifestyle may simply not be a good fit.
    And sometimes we just plain make a mistake in not recognizing a great one when we see it! 🙂

  11. TonyO on March 17, 2014 at 9:10 am

    LOve this post. Great post James. Blessings man.

  12. Don on March 23, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    It’s all about being confident in how you are. Women can sense men that are not confident. Learn to love yourself, do things that you enjoy doing and be the best you that you can be. When you are happy with who you are, dating and relationships become much easier.

  13. Eden on December 3, 2014 at 1:40 am

    If all else fails, it comes down to the $$$

  14. OwnerOfALonelyHeart on December 28, 2014 at 2:30 am

    @Don But at that point you don’t need a her. Who needs to date when you’re confident? If you don’t need support why seek it?

  15. freddie on February 14, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    so then what if every girl is the girl “who just isn’t interested” does that leave us in that category screwed into lonliness for life?

  16. matt on June 27, 2015 at 4:26 pm

    I think the problem is not about being too nice or too sh*thead. It’s about there are too many clueless men (AND WOMEN) following “dating for dummies” gurus ( no saying you are one of them).
    So, instead of just going out and enjoying life, they sit home and read sites like this and then follow the guidelines.
    Sad fact is: we are not created equal. Unlike what the Bible said, “God” did not create us like some
    factory outlet production-line.
    I am nice, gentleman, chilvary and all that. My parents brought me up this way.
    If a girl thinks that is being needy or desperation. Hey, she is not the one I am going to share my life with.
    She will be constantly making you be a mind-reader and totally *uck your life up.
    A best friend’s advice to me , a long time ago. Yes, a lady friend. So, it is not a bias against women.
    Be yourself. If she reads “how to judge a man, etc” , she is going to be cluelss when she become your lady. And you will not have a relationship; you will have a total complicated girl who haven’t a clue what she wants in a man. And this applies to us men too, replacing the last word with (woman).

  17. zeljko on July 5, 2018 at 3:19 pm

    Couple of facts. Girls can see right trough you, but not entirely. That means, that you have to convince your self that you are not a pig and not a player. How can you do that, because, hmmm, you are both ? You are a man and you get in love 5 times a day without even knowing their names. What does that mean ? You have to be a lying son of a beach. No man alive can meet up to female expectations of loyalty. However, you can lie you can, and NEVER BLOW COVER. Remember, you have to be very good. Like, very, very good. When you are dating them, don’t even take a look at others, until you fuck your date. Then, when they think you are in love, so you can do that, but only look. Don’t flirt in front them. You see, females are actually monogamous. That is, they like to convince them self they are. They are actually alpha based. You have to present your self as alpha that is only interested in her. If she senses you are looking at other females, you will trigger her egocentric alarm, and since she is a egocentric baster, she will leave you. You have to be that good that even your mother wont know that you are lying. Either that, or you have to be a natural born idiot who actually believes in monogamy, even though the nature has made you completely different. Remember, if you don’t look like alpha, she will not fuck you. If you look like an alpha that is a player, she will want to fuck you, but she will be afraid to do so.

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