Is He A Womanizer…Or A Gentleman?
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[social_warfare]
I recently came across a blog post that actually aggravated me a little bit.
The topic is “Womanizing Techniques” – which I read through and began to think to myself…”Wait a minute, I do these things!” And I am certainly not a womanizer.
Generalizing is a very slippery slope and this blogger could easily scare a woman away from a genuine gentleman who truly does care about her. But, because he exhibits some of the natural qualities they say are a sign of a womanizer, she might run.
Without further ado, I’m going to take great pleasure in deconstructing this nonsense.
*Note: The original points are bulleted below, with my response underneath.*
Womanizing Techniques
- Womanizers know that a “clean/rich” look impresses a woman.
I personally pride myself on having this so-called “clean/rich” look. This is because it’s my personal style and I take pride in my appearance. This has nothing to do with how I may or may not treat a woman. Your integrity is not dictated by your style choices.
- A womanizer will find a way to relate to your story. He will make you think that you have many things in common.
So will a genuine, empathetic individual who has depth and dignity. What if you REALLY DO have many things in common? What if he REALLY CAN relate to your story?
- A womanizer moves very fast. He will use words such as “potential wife“. A womanizer wants to reach his goal as soon as he can, so he doesn’t waste his time.
I agree that this can be a red flag. Not always of a womanizer, but perhaps of someone who is just way too clingy and insecure in general. He may be the exact opposite of a womanizer and rarely find someone who is interested in him. Still not a great quality, but not womanizer-specific, either.
- Womanizers know that women want to get married and settle down. So he will make you imagine a FUTURE with him. Again, he will use the word “WIFE”.
Isn’t imagining a future together with someone you have strong feelings for a good thing? How in the world are you supposed to be secure in any relationship if you think that anytime the man mentions a future he’s being a womanizer? 404 Logic not found.
- Womanizers is all about the “WE” and the “future“. Women love the WE talk, and womanizers take advantage of our weakness.
?!?! See previous comment. A good man who cares about you is about “we” and the “future” too – this is in no way a sign of a womanizer.
- Womanizers will overly compliment you. He will look deep into your eyes and sincerely tells you that you’re beautiful, gorgeous, unique…
Since when is this a bad thing?? If more men genuinely complimented women perhaps women’s perception of men wouldn’t be so paranoid.
- Womanizers are overly romantic and charming… He would call you with nicknames like “babe, baby, sweetheart, sweetie, honey” to make a woman feel special, but actually saying it to not mixup the REAL names.
I do all of these things with my girlfriend. I am overly romantic and charming at times. I planned out our first date complete with a waterfront dinner and black car service. Guess what? We’re still together 8 months later and it was in no way a sign of womanizing. Why would a man put in that kind of effort? Just to sleep with you? Give me a break.
We also call each other little pet names like that and we are fully aware of each other’s real names.
- Womanizers use wealth to impress women. BMW, Porsche… expensive restaurants, only purchasing from Whole Foods… luxury 2 bedroom apartment…
I drive a BMW. We go out to expensive restaurants. She only shops at Whole Foods because it’s organic. Explain again how any of these things, typically found in the lives of any successful individual, are signs of a womanizer?
- Womanizer will manipulate your subconscious into thinking naughty. It a technique to get your pants down ASAP.
Or maybe, you’ll be so strongly attracted to him that you act on your own feelings and desires and it’s two consenting adults enjoying each other physically. Crazy thought, I know.
- Womanizer knows exactly what a woman wants to hear. He has NO intention of planing a future with you, but yet he makes you believe that he is committed.
Yes. This one I agree with. If he is going through all of this ridiculous effort but has NO intention of continuing something serious with you, he’s more than just a womanizer. He’s a dumbass who is wasting his money for no reason.
- Womanizers will blame everything on you. It’s never his fault. He will make you feel bad for anything that goes wrong.
I can go along with this one too. But if someone blames everything on you it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a womanizer. It certainly does not mean anything good about him, but he could be doing it for many different reasons. Regardless of his reason(s) though, you probably shouldn’t be around him.
- Womanizers are ridiculously busy. They are FAKE busy. They will make stupid excuses…
Here’s a good example: My brother is 25 years old, he has a full time engineering job, runs two of his own businesses, competes in fitness competitions, and owns a condo in the city by himself. He is what you’d call ridiculously busy. If a woman is going to assume he’s a womanizer because of his full schedule, then he will be another genuinely good human being who is left out in the cold because of false assumptions.
Women absolutely cannot be walking around on a daily basis thinking any man who is successful, well dressed, genuine and charming, is a womanizer. This school of thought will literally be the downfall of relationships if it spreads far enough.
Please do not infect your friends or family members with the ridiculous nonsense propaganda found in the bullet points above.
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I couldn’t agree more with your post. I really enjoyed reading your replies to some of those original post. Most of the time that seems to have when people are too general and I know that who I am with does a lot of those things. He is certainly not a womanizer and there are a lot of things like someone calling you pet names, relating to you, planning the future, how could any of those things be bad? I don’t think that any of those things in and of themselves are the problem. You do have to take time and get to know the person, if it’s a guy you meet in a club and he wants to go home with you and calls you all kind of sweet names and makes promises, yes red flags should go up, but it’s all about context.
Thanks for adding your replies and thoughts to this. I really look forward to reading more of your posts and thoughts. Since I started my new blog about my relationship, I have been searching for similar blogs about dating and advice and I am glad that I have now found yours. I really enjoy reading your thoughts…
-Crissy
Thanks Crissy! It seems like we are totally on the same page with this which is great. 🙂 I also just wrote another blog post on “How to spot a player.” I think you’ll enjoy.
I totally agree it’s all about context. Perhaps the original blogger meant these things happening in a veryyy early relationship where the person doesn’t know you that well – but still – every once in awhile a spark ignites early, and you wouldn’t want to throw it away just off of some unsubstantiated paranoia.
I will definitely stay updated on your posts as well and I’m looking forward to learning from your insights!
[…] see some commonalities between players and genuinely good person in my previous blog post: Is he a Womanizer…or a Gentleman? But certain differences are […]
I am just getting back and I look forward to reading your latest post. I couldn’t agree more with what you added here. It’s always important to take advice and apply it to situations and not see it as gospel. Each person and situation is different and yes we all have to be careful but we also have to be open to new people and experiences.
You are very kind and I look forward to reading more of your posts and thoughts on my work. Talk again soon 🙂
Was it a female that created the initial entry???
I laughed at every point, and you’re absolutely right about everything you had to say about all of them. I don’t think anybody can slap this many specific traits onto one type of person; the womanizer. Womanizers are sneaky, and there is not much about them that we can define or say “sticks out” because their goal here is to blend in enough that they fly under the radar, but be better than the average bear so that you waste your time with them. I know many men that dress nice, drive nice cars, have nice things, say/do nice things, etc etc etc. And they’re genuinely nice guys- not players!!
Carly
You are exactly right, it was a female! That easy to tell? Haha.
I think it’s a dangerous position to take that womanizers hold the qualities that she is claiming they actually hold, because as you said there’s not really any specific traits that couldn’t belong to just another genuinely nice guy.
If women start thinking that anyone with a nice car or who compliments them with genuine kindness is a womanizer, they’re going to be running away from every decent guy the find – and continue to wonder why all the find is womanizers. Seems kinda ridiculous to me haha.
Also thanks so much for taking the time to read this. 🙂
– James
[…] Is he a Womanizer…or a Gentleman? (jamesmsama.wordpress.com) […]
Thank you for your comment. I’ve been thinking about how to reply and I’m sorry that it took me a while. I do agree with some of what you’ve said to me. But I have my reasons…. which I’ve been writing in my blog. I’ve been in many relationships so I know that guys would try and find anything to relate to the girl. It’s a good move, but womanizers are doing this to make a woman comfortable to have sex. Their intentions are different.
This womanizer told me that I was a potential wife after 5 minutes at the speed-dating event. Another womanizer that I went out with (from Match.com) was calling me “Babe, gorgeous, beautiful, sweetheart” after 2 hours…
Yes I like compliments. But everything that I did or said, he made a compliment, so to me, it didn’t sound sincere…
When I talk about ridiculously busy, he won’t see you for weeks. He will say things like, “business meeting on Valentines day evening””I’m working 24/7 with no sleep”, “super swamped”…. In my previous relationships, guys had no excuse to see me or call me. No matter how tired he was or how late it was, he came to see me.
I live in the San Francisco Bay Area where many people drive luxury cars. But in this womanizer’s case, he knows that women like wealthy men, so he would say, “I’ll pick you up in my Porsche”. Is it necessary for a gentleman to mention PORSCHE?
What can I say… Woman wants sex too. But emotions are also important to us, so there will be days when we want to take things slow. Womanizers goal is to have sex, so they will do anything to reach that.
I’m obviously hurt by what this womanizer did to me, and you probably want to laugh at me for being stupid for not being able to tell the difference between a gentleman and a womanizer. I’m just writing my experiences hoping that women out there would remember “womanizers” does exist, and they’re out there looking for the next victim. It’s better to know than not…
I can definitely see the validity in what you’re complaining here. The article seems to be over-generalizing and is poorly written. However, after reading your comments, someone mentioned that the writer must be a female, to which you replied: “You are exactly right, it was a female! That easy to tell? Haha.” You seem to be complaining that this ‘womanizer’ article oversimplifies and overgeneralizes men that look a certain way, well don’t do the same thing and assume all women feel this way. I’m sure the author was being led by stereotypical behavior and anecdotal evidence too, and the context of her words went unsaid or unnoticed. People (everyone) tend to let their own experiences take over their perceptions. Not excusing her but asking you to be just as thorough with yourself, i.e. just as you’re pointing out there’s so much more to you than shallow behavior, so goes for everyone else.
I disagree that saying it must have been a woman who wrote that article is generalizing, because not once did anybody say EVERY woman feels that way. In fact- because I’m a woman who said a woman must have written it, but I disagree, goes to show that we don’t think that EVERY woman feels that way. It does sound like SOME typical girls! So don’t get too offended, nobody was referring to you. 🙂 I’m glad you disagree.
The point is a womanizer will do this to multiple women… there’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of the things you wrote about how a man dresses nice, or over compliments etc. Its the fact that he uses all of those qualities for a multitudes of women. That is how I see it.
I was briefly in reconnect with womanizer that I thought had put his past behind him, but he obviously was the same womanizer, because he did exactly the things he did in the past. He said and did exactly what a womanizer does in this article. The lady who wrote this article, says all men that have these traits aren’t womanizer, it totally contradiction, because mostly all the traits of a womanizer are very negative and heartbreaking on women who looking for real gentleman. Read the traits of a womanizer in this article, its nothing gentleman about them when deception is behind them!!! We are not saying every man is womanizer, but if he does what a womanizer does with no intention on being with one woman, then he’s a womanizer and not a gentleman, period!
Can I meet your brother?
“If he is going through all of this ridiculous effort but has NO intention of continuing something serious with you, he’s more than just a womanizer. He’s a dumbass who is wasting his money for no reason.”
Wow…so, I just dealt with a dumpass, didn’t I? The last guy I dated did exactly everything up until the two lines, I quote. He didn’t use the word “wife” but he did make me believe that he was looking for something long term (potential girlfriend/future girlfriend). Things were great for almost 2 months, then he started to pull back and ignored me. I took the hint, but I’d rather hear it in his own words. So, I asked him the question in a situation that he couldn’t avoid answering. That was when he admitted that he wasn’t ready and couldn’t commit.
So, James, do you have any tips on how to spot a dumpass? Your articles have been enlightening me in many ways. I hope you can help us women with this too.
I think the key difference in some of those you mentioned is follow through. When YOU compliment, discuss the future, etc. there is the intent to follow through behind it. it is a reflection of your relationship. When a womanizer does it, he has no intention of following through past gaining adoration and yes, “getting into the pants.” My take? YOU are a gentleman. The “most interesting man in the world” is a womanizer 😉
The entire concept that these particular behaviors are indicative to a womanizer is so laughable. The woman who came up with this list of traits was obviously burned in a huge way. While her bullet points made me laugh, I also feel so very sorry for her as she has allowed the poor behavior of a few men to completely cloud her judgement. Any intelligent woman knows that both players (womanizers) and keepers can possess these qualities, and it would be ignorant to assume otherwise. Thank you again, James, for making such a great attempt to reverse any potential damage this woman may cause because of her own bad experiences. You are a champion of all true ladies and gentleman out there.
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