The Most Attractive People Do These 11 Things


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Hint: It’s not about your looks.

What does it mean to “be attractive?” I’ve always wondered this myself, because it seemed like something that some people just were, while others weren’t.

Like it was a gift, magically bestowed upon a few select people who we all were all drawn to as a result.

By attractive, I’m not just talking about people that you want to sleep with, or want a relationship with. Some people just have that…je ne sais quoi that makes you want to be in their presence. Be their friend. Learn from them. Or, sure, be their lover.

Part of the enigma of what it means to be attractive is that it means something different to everyone.

There is no universal definition of “attractive,” which is precisely what makes it attainable to everyone.

However, I believe that if you look at attractive people across the board, you will notice some similarities between them.

Here’s the kicker: It’ll have nothing to do with their appearance.

That’s what we’ll get into here — how you can create your own version of what works best for you.

1: Stay calm under pressure.

Quite literally part of the definition of cool is the ability to stay calm and collected in times of conflict or uncertainty. It projects certainty of self, and confidence. Traits that attractive people have in spades.

Think of a fictional character that you consider to be attractive. When faced with a challenge, do they get nervous, panic, and drop the ball?

No — staying cool is about managing your own emotions and feelings before they take control and put you into a reactive state. Hence, the term “losing your cool,” which none of us enjoy doing.

This takes practice and experience putting yourself in situations where you very well could be overwhelmed or panic. Understanding that you are capable of figuring it out and that you’ve survived 100% of your hardest challenges is good to keep in mind while taking a deep breath and re-focusing your energy on the task at hand.

2: Care.

Being self-centered is not attractive. Nobody likes to be around someone who only talks about themselves and never wants to hear about how your day is going.

Old movies and TV shows portray the cool people as the rebellious ones with attitudes, but it doesn’t show them 20 years into the future with no friends or allies because they shut everyone out of their lives emotionally.

Caring about others is attractive. Caring about causes is attractive. Caring about your community and those around you is cool.

Being a caring and compassionate human empowers you to connect with people on a deeper level and build richer relationships while creating a greater impact in the world. The apathetic are incapable of doing that.

3: Be friendly, but not invasive.

Meeting someone who’s friendly, willing to chat, and fun to talk to: Attractive.

Meeting someone who immediately shares every personal detail about themselves, never leaves you alone, and can’t take a hint of when to stop talking: Not attractive.

We’ve all met them — the people who instantly want to be the biggest part of your life the moment they meet you. I’m not bashing or judging them, sometimes people really need a friend, and it’s important to be kind to these people because you never know what they’re going through.

However, you also have personal space that needs to be respected, as does everyone else. Being cool is about knowing when to respect the space that belongs to others and learning when to take a hint that they need some more of it back.

The most attractive people understand their value and know they shouldn’t have to be in your face all the time to get your attention. They’ll simply earn it by being who they are — not by being needy, which pushes away more people than it attracts.

4: Shush.

An underrated sign of being attractive is simply not saying anything at all. I had a conversation with a coaching client a few weeks ago who told me that he feels like he always needs to be part of a conversation or it’ll look like he’s left out or pushed aside.

On the contrary, I told him that sometimes being able to sit back and simply be present in the moment shows even more confidence because you don’t feel the need to always be heard.

This is a product of knowing where you’re able to provide the greatest value — and where you’re not. That level of self-awareness will save you embarrassment, because speaking up and saying the wrong thing is worse than saying nothing at all.

— Actively listening in these scenarios will help you learn about new subjects and know when you’ve got something great to add in to the conversation.

— Everyone likes talking about themselves, and sometimes giving them the space to do just that will make them like you more, too.

5: Practice intentional communication.

When it does come time to speak, doing so with authority and confidence is the best way to convey that you’re sure of yourself and what you’re saying. Being intentional about the way you speak, making sure you enunciate your words and project your voice is going to send the message that you’ve worked on gaining knowledge about whatever you’re discussing, and well-informed people are attractive.

6: Pursue a passion.

In the beginning of this discussion we determined that something different is attractive to everyone.

The question is — what is attractive to you?

Is it wearing a pink hat and dancing in a perfectly symmetrical octagon?

Then — be the best pink-hat-wearing-perfectly-symmetrical-octagon dancer that has ever lived.

The other people who enjoy the same thing(s) — whom you will find when you start pursuing what interests you — will look up to you as the cool kid in the class.

For most of you reading this it’ll more likely be an avocation in the arts, sciences, or more mainstream fields — but the same principles apply across the board.

Being passionate about something and giving yourself over to it so you can master it, is very attractive.

7: Wear sunglasses.

Everyone knows they make you look more attractive.

8: Learn from, but never imitate.

There’s an old quote that says comparison is the thief of joy, because comparing yourself to others usually ends badly.

I’d like to add that imitation is the thief of attractiveness.

Learning from others, however, provides valuable lessons and insights that you can apply to your own specific style and personality.

If you admire someone’s work ethic who is a great cello player, you don’t need to copy them and also become a cello player (unless you want to). The lesson they can teach you is about work ethic.

If you love that someone is always truly themselves — do not try to become them, instead embrace your truest self.

Attractiveness cannot be stolen. Attractiveness is original.

9: Be honest with yourself and others.

Honesty with one’s self is the key to self-awareness, which empowers us to know ourselves better than anyone else. When we know ourselves, we know when to push, when to pull, and when to remain in neutral.

It also lets us show up as our most authentic selves in all social situations so we can attract the people who are best suited for us because they’re seeing who we really are from the get-go.

Authenticity is key in all situations.

10: Work on improving the body AND mind.

I’ve gone through many (MANY) changes in my life but one thing has always remained consistent: When I am committed to my fitness routine, I feel much better, look much better, and perform much better in all areas.

I am more confident, my clothes fit better, and I am more productive.

There are physiological connections between the body and mind that show their levels of performance are tied to each other — and no matter how much we strive to learn or grow intellectually, we will be leaving “money on the table” if we aren’t piloting an efficient physical vessel around reality.

A good physique is always attractive.

11: Whoever YOU are, be THAT.

The most important point of all — the ultimate root of being attractive is embracing who you know you are at your deepest levels and being comfortable projecting that to the world.

Not trying to be someone else.

Not hiding your unique traits.

Not copying or imitating others.

Not trying to fit into a mold that isn’t right for you.

Not letting other people tell you how to live your life.

Not being bullied into silence.

Not doing things you feel uncomfortable with.

Not following advice that goes against your values.

Not accepting poor or abusive treatment.

Not staying around toxic people.

But, wholeheartedly and earnestly working to define and discover who you are as an individual, and then creating a life in full alignment with that identity and purpose.

There are nearly 7.9 BILLION humans on this planet, and not a single one of them has the same genetic makeup, abilities, or viewpoint as you do.

Nothing is more attractive than that.

—> I originally published this article on Medium, click here to access unlimited articles and become a member.

James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author of Unlocking Love, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.


  1. Lonstermash (@reallonstermash) on July 18, 2022 at 12:02 am

    So, regarding the 11th point, I love to create and perform adult humor parody songs, but I have found that many women do not appreciate that aspect of my sense of humor. SO, should I continue to “embrace” who I am and potentially turn many women off (some rare women have actually loved it right off the bat, and some have been OK with it, after getting to know me a bit before I gave them examples of my humor), or should I “grow up” a bit (as the haters tell me) and not give women a potential reason to be turned off for anything long term?

  2. cnstncwlsh on May 28, 2023 at 4:42 pm

    “Wear Sunglasses” – that is adorable! 🙂

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