9 Affirmations to Make Dating Fun Again
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Dating is as an opportunity to create the love life you’ve always desired…if you choose to see it that way.
“I just want to skip the dating part and go right to the phase where we’re comfortable on the couch together.”
This is what someone I’m coaching said to me on one of our recent calls.
Relatable? Yes. Realistic? Eh, not really.
For anyone single and dating in 2021, though, you probably feel this in your soul. Dating can be a tedious and exhausting task, and complaints about it are one of the main things I hear from men and women alike.
“It’s so hard to find the right person.”
“Nobody is serious about commitment.”
“Do men ever actually GROW UP?”
The challenge put forth by these statements is that they psych you out. You begin to really believe them, and your experiences reinforce them over time.
A vicious cycle.
What if, though, you decided to take control of how you approached dating and decided to see it as an opportunity rather than a burden?
Here are 9 shifts in mindset you can implement today to enhance the experience for yourself (and your potential partner).
1: “The result of this doesn’t change my value.”
Someone’s inability to see your worth doesn’t mean you are any less worthy.
You’re just meeting someone for the first time, which means you’ve got no idea what they’re going through internally, what they’re overcoming, what they’re looking for, or how their past has affected them.
Going on a date is a chance to find these things out, but it’s not a guarantee that it’s going to work in your favor. In fact, if they’re NOT a match for you, then ending it after the first date actually IS in your favor.
Many people avoid dating in order to avoid possible rejection, and therefore miss out on the great things that are possible as well. But once you remember that this person is just meeting you for the first time and can’t possibly understand your greatness, you’ll stop taking it so personally.
Incompatibility is not about you as an individual, it’s simply a sign that the two of you don’t work together, and it’s better to find that out right away than too far down the road.
2: “I’m here to find a partner, not a project.”
A LOT of people I’ve coached (primarily women) have fallen into a pattern of trying to “fix” the people they date.
Men are guilty of this too, as they step in to be a knight in shining armor for a woman who may be struggling emotionally, financially, or otherwise.
Absorb this: It is not your responsibility to fix another human being.
Healthy adult relationships are a partnership. Both partners should be approaching it with the intention of giving and contributing to each other, and the relationship as a whole.
Always remember that you’re looking for someone who is looking for YOU in the same capacity. Not looking for you to parent them. The relationship can never be equal that way, and you’ll never feel supported.
Everyone has a past and nobody is perfect, but it’s our own responsibilities to handle our shit before bringing someone else into our lives.
3: “If I have fun we’ll do this again. If I don’t, we won’t.”
Dating really isn’t that complicated.
It’s about finding someone whose company you enjoy so much that you’d like to continue spending time with them.
That’s…pretty much it.
If you approach each individual date like it should be fun (because, uh, it should) it makes it feel far less daunting, and even more exciting.
If you enjoy your time with them, express your interest to spend more of it with them. If you don’t, politely bow out and move on. Simple.
4: “THEY have to earn MY attention, too.”
We all get excited when we meet someone new that we’re interested in. They’re attractive, fun, seem to have their life together, and we’re looking forward to seeing them again.
But…the feelings need to be mutual.
Sometimes we can fall into the trap of pursuing them FAR MORE than they’re pursuing us. And sometimes, us being overzealous can even begin to push them away.
Always remember that your time and attention must be earned too, not just given away freely like a charitable donation.
That’s how you fall into negative patterns of chasing people who aren’t right for you, or aren’t really interested in you.
If it’s not reciprocated, move on.
5: “Every date is its own experience.”
You may feel as though a date is a “failure” if it doesn’t lead to a long term relationship.
This is your opportunity to shift that mindset.
Each individual date is its own experience. You get ice cream, or coffee, or a nice dinner, or enjoy a walk in the park.
That, in itself, is time worth enjoying.
Expecting every date to lead to marriage puts an unhealthy amount of pressure on the situation and robs you of simply enjoying the moment. If it’s meant to lead to something more, it will.
If not, allow yourself to enjoy it for what it is.
6: “I have a ton of options.”
Listen, when I was single I never loved dating multiple people at once, either. Once I grew out of the “exploration” phase of my life, I always preferred focusing on one person at a time to explore compatibility.
That being said, you’re not exclusive with someone until you’re exclusive with them.
You have every right to date around, explore, text, talk to more than one person at a time while you are figuring out who you’re most compatible with and excited about.
Remembering that you have options will ease the pressure on each individual person you’re dating.
And – if you do choose to simply date one at a time, it will help you remember that there are literally billions of other people in the world if this ONE doesn’t happen to work out.
Even more importantly, this will prevent you from settling for someone who doesn’t really value or appreciate you because there are so many others who will.
“The only two people who matter are sitting at this table.”
7: “My opinions are just as valid as theirs.”
Do you find yourself holding back on dates because you’re nervous about disagreeing with them? By doing this, you might be avoiding important conversations that speak to how compatible you are (or aren’t).
I’m not saying the first date is an ideal time for discussions about politics or religion, BUT, fundamental value systems need to align for a relationship to make sense.
Staying quiet about something you’re passionate about because you’re nervous about their reaction only delays the inevitable discovery of compatibility.
Or, maybe they’ll love what you have to say, and will miss out on that piece of you because you held back.
Your voice is just as valid as anyone else’s, don’t let it be silenced.
8: “I have the right to maintain my boundaries.”
It’s easy for our minds to run away from us right off the bat.
“What if this person is crazy and proposes to me on the first date or asks to move in or already has our children named or…?!”
You cannot control how other people act, but you CAN control what you allow into your own life. YOU have the power and ability to maintain your standards and boundaries in order to protect your own emotional space, and nobody has the right to invade it withot your consent.
When you remember this, you’ll become more confident and assertive in expressing and enforcing these boundaries for people who need it. And, you’ll more consciously choose who you want to let in to your space.
9: “I deserve love.”
One of the biggest things holding people back from finding love is their belief that they deserve it. Or, lack thereof.
If you don’t fully believe that you deserve love, you can easily sabotage the experience from the beginning.
You may choose sub-par partners so when it falls apart you can say “See, this never works out for me.”
You might repeat negative patterns because deep down, you don’t really feel that you deserve love.
You may be too harsh on yourself which could turn off a potential partner.
Hear (or read) this: YOU are the only person who determines your value. YOU are the only person who decides what you deserve. YOU are the only person who is responsible for YOUR happiness.
Not anyone else.
Not a partner, not a friend, not a family member.
Once you DECIDE that you are deserving of real love, you will begin showing up in the world in ways that attract it.
Being single is not a problem, it is an opportunity to create the life that YOU want to live, and then find the partner who fits into it.
Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
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