Here’s Why Playing Hard to Get is Actually a Terrible Idea


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You’ve probably been told more than once to play hard to get when it comes to dating. You’ve probably been told that men love the chase so you shouldn’t give back too much in return.

Do you know what a chase is? It’s when you’re pursuing something that’s actively running away from you. Men who chase women are often men who don’t understand social cues and can’t take a hint to back off. Is this the kind of guy who would make a good boyfriend?

Furthermore, genuine, kindhearted men are looking for women who share the same qualities. NOBODY, man or woman, wants to be with someone who has the affection level of a concrete statue. Many of the women I talk to are looking for men who actually display emotions, communicate their feelings, and have high emotional intelligence.

If these are qualities you want, these are qualities you must possess.

I will tell you right now that it’s utter bullshit that men want to chase after women. Men want to feel wanted. Men want to feel needed. Respected. Loved. There is nothing sexier than a woman who wants us as much as we want her. (Science backs this up, as well).

But how does this help me attract better men?

If a guy is just playing you or playing the field in general, then that means he’s not actually looking for a serious relationship, even if he says that he is. So showing real interest in him is a great way to weed out the players from the ones who respond favorably because you actually want to be with them.

Of course this doesn’t mean that you should throw yourself at every guy, or gush your feelings all over the dinner table on the first date, but I think so many of us are holding back our feelings to protect ourselves that it’s doing more harm than good because we’re not allowing our hearts and minds to actually connect to each other.

Do you know what the trouble is with building walls to keep out the wrong guys? Those same walls might also keep out the right guy.

This is the part where women say something like: “I wouldn’t want a guy who doesn’t have the confidence to pursue me, anyway.”

This isn’t about confidence. It’s about feeling like you don’t want him, or feeling like there is no reciprocated interest. It’s about maintaining your dignity and not facing repeated rejection from the same person.

Also consider this: A player is playing because he wants to prove a point. He wants to accomplish something by ‘getting the girl,’ so playing hard to get is just going to pose more of a challenge for him to overcome, and make him pursue you harder. You may think this is a good thing because he’s putting in effort, but the truly good man will have already taken the hint and moved on.

We seem to have lost our empathy and compassion for each other. Everything is a conflict between the genders and there always seems to be a winner and a loser. Whatever happened to forging teams and facing the world together? What happened to communication? Mutual interest being displayed?

Sure, it is a risk to put yourself out there and potentially get hurt – but it is far greater of a risk to suppress your emotions and never feel a real connection with another human being.

Maintain your standards and boundaries, but make sure you are not depriving yourself of happiness in the process.

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  1. hmickeyjd on April 30, 2018 at 4:43 pm

    James: Considering that the current culture is one that screams out the message that men are no good, all of the recent high profile sexual harassment cases, and the #metoo movement branding guys with a presumption of guilt…and almost no hope of due process, are you really that shocked that many guys have decided “the hell with this” and throw in the sponge when it comes to relating to the supposedly “fair sex?”

  2. Jenae Hebb on August 29, 2018 at 5:16 pm

    I think this is on point. Many guy and girl friends tell me to play hard to get. I have found that when I tell a guy I’m interested in tends to back away. Not sure of they get intimidated or just not ready. I agree enough with the stupid games people play with eachother.

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