5 Behaviors You Need to Stop Accepting from Men


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Have you ever looked back at a relationship and the way he treated you, only to shake your head or wonder how in the world you possibly accepted such treatment?

Or, maybe you’ve listened to a friend tell you about their experiences and you can’t bring yourself to fathom why they put up with it for so long – except you realize that you’ve done it yourself?

Here are five things to walk away from as soon as you see them creeping into your relationship:

When he attempts to control you.

Being controlling is not always an obvious action that someone takes. He is not necessarily going to directly tell you not to do something, but he will make comments that make you question your decisions.

“Why do you wear so much makeup when you go out with your friends?” isn’t a genuine question about your makeup habits – it’s subliminally telling you that he thinks you’re looking for other guys’ attention when you’re out without him, or it’s telling you that he wants you to wear less makeup so you’re less confident and therefore less likely to leave him because you don’t think you can do better.

Being controlling may start out with small things like this, but if you allow them to continue, it will be easy to lose sight of what’s really important to YOU, and the life that YOU want to live.

When he overlooks the small things.

How many times have you found yourself saying something like: “Well, it’s not really that big of a deal.” or “Guys don’t really pay attention to detail anyway”…?

Let me tell you, when a man is interested in something (or someone) you damn well bet he pays attention to detail.

The most important part, though, is the point that if you can’t trust someone with the small things, you certainly cannot trust someone with the big things. How could you trust him with major life events or challenges if he doesn’t even put in the effort to make sure the small things are taken care of?

When he is super jealous.

Don’t get me wrong, he should absolutely be protective of you and look out for your best interest at all times – but this doesn’t mean he should jump on top of every single thing you do with suspicion. Trust is paramount in a relationship, and someone who is always jealous (And trying to eliminate the opportunities for this to happen – see point #1), simply does not trust you, or themselves.

When he does things to make YOU jealous.

No man who truly cares about your feelings will act in ways that manipulate them or intentionally hurt them. He should never be making you insecure about how he feels or about how stable your relationship is.

When he always avoids responsibility.

Here’s the thing about people who never admit to making mistakes: This means they also can never learn, grow, or develop – because why would they? If nothing is ever their fault, then there is never a reason to change. And, if there’s not a reason to change, then there’s not a reason to communicate about what needs to be changed.

And, the cycle continues.

One can easily see how a person like this is impossible to build a relationship with, because everything will always constantly be your fault. Healthy relationships rely on healthy communication patterns in order to thrive. Without this being present, there is simply no way to evolve together.

Have you ever experienced any of these? Let me know in the comments, or chime in with what I’ve left out and should have included.


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  1. Minnie Tillak on April 28, 2018 at 5:01 pm

    Yes, but I always thought with given time I could help in some kind of way getting at tha core of problems present and past, telling him you must show some sign of wanting or try to make effort to change for self only and take it from there. Show proof of change and not just words.

    • James Michael Sama on April 28, 2018 at 5:08 pm

      Absolutely – the communication is great, as long as you don’t enter into the territory of trying to “fix” someone who isn’t working to fix themselves. That is never a good road to go down.

  2. janet gs on April 28, 2018 at 6:20 pm

    All very true. The problem is James, that is nearly impossible to find a man that doesn’t do one or more of these behaviours. And this as after a 34 year marriage came to an end because of lies on his part, and six years of being single. I have pretty much given up on a decent man out there, and if I do meet one, he is not attracted to me, despite me spending decades on being a better version of myself. I am pretty much resigned to being single for the rest of my life. It does get lonely, so I pursue a lot of sports, hobbies and creative things. And I know, women act crazy too, but I DON’T, and I have my life together in the big important ways. My problem is finding a man that does too, that likes me. And I am 58, youngish looking, fit, take good care of myself and have a kind generous heart and a positive outlook. So although you mean well and tell us all the good things, and all of it it true, I am finding that people are not perfect, not even close, and finding the right guy has about the same odds, to me anyway, of winning the lottery. And yes, I know, people every week DO win the lottery so I try to have a bit of hope. So I continue to put myself out there, make conversations with people and hope for the best.

  3. Jenn S on April 29, 2018 at 12:45 am

    Typo in the second to last paragraph?

  4. Jenn S on April 29, 2018 at 12:52 am

    Also? I read this 7 years too late. In hindsight, you’ve nailed it.

  5. Justine Morton on April 29, 2018 at 4:11 am

    I’m going to sound cynical (and it is all true what you have written James) but points 1, 2 and 5 sound like any man in a long term marriage (15 years). Observation
    s my girlfriends and I have continually about all our husbands. I’d love to know why this is so and how to work towards a better outcome.

  6. Roz Garrett (@RozgarrettRoz) on April 29, 2018 at 7:27 am

    You nailed it looking back on a 25 years marriage, dui charges,affars, trying to make me jealous so i will stay and put up with more- i am out and gone, for 12 yeras now. What I have noticed is single woman become more independent (great jobs, money , travelling on their own etc) and men are frightened of that, Now why is that?

  7. Helen on April 29, 2018 at 8:29 am

    My first boyfriend was extremely jealous. Why? Projection. He was cheating on me…

    As far as men not taking responsibility, I think too many women are hardwired to the idea of taking care of everything… Why should a man be responsible when there’s someone else managing and fixing everything? Too often we do this to ourselves. It can be difficult sometimes to let someone else “do” for us, but it’s essential in a relationship.

  8. […] article was originally published at James M Sama. Reprinted with permission from the […]

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