If She Doesn’t Respect You, She’ll Never Date You


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There are an endless amount of factors that dictate whether or not two people want to date each other, and as someone who writes and speaks on relationships from a male perspective, I have a variety of conversations on a daily basis that enlighten me further on what makes a man desirable.

Sure, attraction is important – but it falls into the distant background behind considerations like trust, comfort, and very importantly: Respect.


Why have I singled out this feeling above all of the others? Arguably, trust and comfort could be equally as important as respect, but there is a differentiation.

Women will still spend time around men they trust and are comfortable with. They will see these men as friends, but if they don’t respect them as men, then there will never be the spark of attraction there.

I have long said that the reason why ‘nice guys finish last’ is because women cannot see a ‘nice guy’ as someone she can take on the world with. Often times, self-proclaimed nice guys are simply men who mold themselves to the wants and desires of the women they date. In reality, what this does is prevents her from actually getting to know you because you are simply a reflection of what (you think) she wants.

In reality, women want a man who has established his own identity and place in the world. A man they can rely on, count on, and trust. A man who is secure in his values because he knows who he is.

A man she respects.

Women want a man who is a man. It doesn’t matter how strong, or independent, or successful she is – she still wants you to step up and be her teammate in life. Nobody refers to their insignificant other. She wants a man that stands on his own two legs and lives his own life with passion and voracity.

She wants a man that she can count on for support, not someone she feels is going to topple over if she leans on him. She wants a man that she can rely on when things get rough, or when she needs you to step up and take over a task, or when she wants your advice on a challenge she’s facing.

Would you go to someone you don’t respect for any of these things?


Needless to say, respect permeates every part of a relationship. When you respect someone, you respect their viewpoints, their boundaries, their outlook on life. Their family, their friends, their ambitions. Respect is something that is earned, and it is something that also has to be kept.

Being respected is a result of living a life of dignity. Being true to your word, supporting people when they need you, standing up for yourself (and others). Developing life skills. Pursuing your passions. Not settling for mediocrity. Presenting yourself properly. Giving respect to those around you.

Respect is a currency, of sorts. One that needs to be maintained over time, and is easy to lose. For this reason, it is a necessary cornerstone of a deeper attraction and desire towards another human being.

This is why it’s so important for men to stop worrying so much about finding the right woman, and start focusing on becoming the right man. No, not just to win a woman’s attention or affection – but to live a whole, happy, fulfilling, satisfying life. Only when we have put in the time, effort, and energy to develop ourselves into the men we want to be, can we expect to be a complete puzzle piece that can fit into another in order to build a relationship.


In my opinion, we should all strive to be respected in this life regardless of our relationship status. To contribute to the world, to add value to people’s lives around us, to be trustworthy, reliable, and loved.

The truth is; nobody, man, woman, or child – can feel these ways towards you, if they don’t first respect you.


What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below and join the conversation.


  1. hmickeyjd on September 30, 2017 at 3:22 pm

    Respect, huh? Interestingly, a large phalanx of women demand men respect them, but they aren’t inclined to respect men in return. So, why is dating not hopeless?

    • James Michael Sama on September 30, 2017 at 5:33 pm

      It’s not hopeless because what you’re referring to isn’t 100% of women. If you had evidence to support the theory that not a single woman on the planet respects men, then I’d agree with you.

      I know plenty of women who respect men, including my own girlfriend, who respects me (at least, I like to think so).

      With respect (see what I did there?) if you can’t find a single woman who respects you, then, sir, it may be time to look in the mirror.

      – James

      • hmickeyjd on September 30, 2017 at 11:21 pm

        Well James, when I look in the mirror, I see someone who knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that the so-called dating reward is nowhere near being worth the aggravation/risk.

      • James Michael Sama on October 1, 2017 at 3:49 pm

        I’m sorry the experiences of your past have led you to that conclusion, I understand that everyone has different paths in life and makes their own choices.

        For me, I understand that the right person (when you work to become the type of man to attract them, and put in the consistent effort to meet people on a regular basis) makes all of the struggles (lessons) worthwhile and adds value to your life, as you do for them.

        But, I can only speak from personal experience. Fortunately, though, I’ve found this to be correct. For me, anyway.

  2. InDepth on September 30, 2017 at 10:57 pm

    I’ve had men put me down and tell me I’m stupid, then expect me to date them. When I say “No”, they do it again and get mad at me. I can’t get away fast enough. Sometimes even having to call the police.

    I have dated a few guys who are nice but once we become intimate then are nasty. I leave and they’re angry.

    Why would guys want to date women they believe are stupid? Why once a guy puts the effort to get close to a woman would he be nasty to her?

    I’ve gone to a therapist about this, and we can’t find what I’m doing to attract these guys. My girlfriends say it’s because I’m attractive.
    It’s no wonder more women are leaving men for other women.

  3. […] via If She Doesn’t Respect You, She’ll Never Date You — JamesMSama.com […]

  4. Wallor on November 21, 2018 at 9:58 am

    All that babbling about relastionship is nonsense. There are precise lines why, what, how, where etc. And it takes only a fool to not see the reality we live in. Those who have a glimpse of something will always defend and think that this is how it is. Which in reality can create illusion very easily. To see yourself in mirror or not is way to see your own identity. What is right what is wrong for you in your mindset. But reality is very different then perception. There are plenty of factors which play together no matter how one sees. On the other hand there are also precise feelings which have nothing to do with chemistry. Its a moral way. Lets call it intuition. So for anyone to defend or to correct the view of somebody else that alone is paradoxical. There are no rules, no timeline for trend set. It only have to do what you feel about it. And that is prove enough. The proof is not what you think but what is common. Common is “selfcreated” rule which is not created by direct act of one or two but is rather how humans function.
    So i disagree with you James on multiple levels on how things are how it was or how it should be.

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