What came first, the chicken or the egg?
You may be asking yourself what this question has to do with men putting more effort into dating, but stick with me for a second.
As you may have noticed, we are slowly but surely devolving as a culture into the abyss of “that’s just the way things are now” when it comes to dating.
Whether or not we like it or agree with it, there is a traditional dating model that has remained intact, regardless of the infinite other changes which have occurred over the decades: The man pursues, and the woman is pursued.
Here’s something men will never admit, but it’s the truth: This undoubtedly gives the “power” to the woman.
I don’t like to use the word “power” when it comes to relationships because it implies that someone is in control over another, which should never be the case. But in this context, it shows who is making the final decision when it comes to accepting or denying someone’s advances.
A man asks a woman out, he does not tell her out. This means, it is her choice.
When in the wild, our male animal relatives must work to prove they are the best in order to win the female’s acceptance. Whether it be mating or hunting for food, the concept is the same – the amount of effort required is proportional to how much of a challenge it is to reach your goal.
This is why male lions fight among themselves to lead the pack. It is why colorful birds show off their vibrant feathers to get the female’s attention.
In fact, in many species of bird – the males are more colorful than the females. Why? Because over millions of years of evolution, the brighter males get more attention from females and they pass on those genetics to the next generation, where the duller varieties do not get the opportunity to mate. It’s simple, really.
But humans are moving in the opposite direction – if a man’s goal is to get a date with a woman or to build a relationship with her after a couple of dates have already happened, we are seeing a decline in society of how much effort he must actually put in.
Why? Because women are accepting less. And therefore men are putting in less effort. And if a woman is too “hard to get,” men are being trained to think that there will be another woman who doesn’t require as much effort…because, well, there is.
So – did men start doing less because women started accepting less? Or did women start accepting less because they had no other choice?
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
When we accept or surrender to “times having changed” and the new “standards” of dating, we immediately drastically lower the bar. We mentally give in and force ourselves to settle even though it feels wrong, because, is finding better even possible?
The point here is not to start making men fight over you or be the most ornate in order to get your attention, because the fact of the matter is that good men will only pursue a woman if they feel valued by her in return. The point is that it is possible to find men who will give more, and be happy doing it.
It is possible when you stand up and refuse to accept anything less than a man’s best effort. Does he only text you, but you’d rather him call you? Then say something about it. But – keep it positive, playful, and fun. Tell him you love the sound of his voice and you want to hear it more.
Don’t make him feel bad or guilty, he probably just hasn’t come across a woman who requires more effort from him, so he doesn’t know what he needs to do differently.
I am not saying accept the fact that guys are clueless when it comes to dating, but understand that if you do take a stand (which you should) on what you would accept, then it will probably be a new experience for him, and he may need some insight from you.
But, one thing is for certain – if he is the right type of man and is truly interested in you, he will put in the effort required to reach the bar you have set. If he doesn’t – let him go.
In the moment that you accept less, less is precisely what you will end up getting.
The right man will continue putting in effort for you, long after he’s already committed himself with you. He will understand that effort is not only required for getting your attention, but also, keeping it.
Oh, and, that goes both ways.