12 Traits He Wants In His Future Wife


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I’m not really sure why, but I get a lot more nervous before I write an article about traits in women, than I do when I write one about traits in men. Maybe it’s because I have sort of a shield when I write about men, because, you know…I am one. But when I write either on the topic of what women think or about ‘ideal’ qualities of a woman, I’m opening myself up to some harsh criticism.

But hey, screw it. What’s life without a little adventure?


The fact of the matter is we discuss desirable traits of men on this website far more than desirable traits of women. Fortunately, I have recently had my eyes opened to some amazing qualities that a woman can possess which make a man take her much more seriously when it comes to envisioning a real future together.

When it comes to actually considering whether or not a man would marry a woman…what does he factor into his decision making process?

She is family oriented.

Before I get heat from people who say that not everyone is close to their family and that doesn’t make them a bad person or whatever – that goes without saying. Let’s keep in mind that I speak from my own perspective and to me, a woman who values both her and my family is important when considering a long term future. I’m sure most men who someday want a family of their own would agree with me.

She is kindhearted.

I’m not quite sure how to explain this one. I feel like just the word ‘kindhearted’ in itself gets the point across. A woman who is thoughtful. Loving. Caring. Who does small things for you for no other reason that she loves you (as you do for her). A woman who, when she smiles at you, gives you no choice but to smile back. A woman who radiates warmth from her heart. That is a woman a man would want to marry.

She is intellectually challenging.

There is no denying that someone’s looks are what initially draws us to them. It’s difficult to spot a great personality from across the room. Many a fling was built on physical attraction alone, but how long can it last?

When conversations lack depth or intrigue, we often fill our time with physical activity together, but it is impossible to build a real connection or lasting relationship with someone on that alone. Being intellectually challenging and having the ability to hold real discussions about meaningful topics, will always trump shallow beauty in the long run.


She is understanding and empathetic.

Being compassionate, supportive, and encouraging towards your partner is a huge part of building a successful relationship. Nobody wants a person who is a “Debbie Downer” all the time and will not support them in their endeavors or their times of need. Life is full of challenges that any couple will face together, particularly a married couple. Sometimes men need a shoulder to cry on, too.

She is ambitious.

In addition to supporting and encouraging you pursuing your own goals and dreams, she will have her own as well. A mature woman has a vision for her future and chases after it with voracity.

A mature woman will be someone you can take on the world with. A partner in crime, a teammate in your relationship, and in life.

She is consistent.

Being consistent is a valuable virtue because it lets your partner know that you really are who you are. You haven’t sent your “representative” to get to know them during the first couple of months of dating, but then suddenly transform once they’ve committed themselves to you.

To clarify the point, think of consistency as the opposite of volatility. If someone is unpredictable and volatile, it’s difficult to know how they will be acting towards you on a certain day, and that gets old no matter how aesthetically pleasing she is.


She is willing to put in effort for you.

I am all about giving in relationships. I believe seeing your significant other happy should also make you happy – but it is important to understand that it goes both ways.

Her putting in effort doesn’t have to be much. It can be something as simple as slipping the waiter her debit card to pay for dinner. It’s no secret that sometimes the romance wears off of longer term relationships, but you shouldn’t let it – and neither should she.

If a woman continues to do what she knows attracted you in the first place, even after she got you a long time ago, it shows she cares about keeping you around.

Side note: Equally as important is to make sure both teammates always show the other their appreciation for this effort. Feeling taken for granted can easily lead to resentment and other negative results in a relationship.

She holds similar values as you.

This is often an extension of the family-oriented point in the beginning, because many times our value system comes from our upbringing. The things we find important (or not), the things we believe in strongly (or not), the way we treat others, and ourselves. It doesn’t matter how attracted you are to someone or even how well you get along, if your values don’t align, you will always be clashing in the long term.

Physical attractiveness.

Sorry, but it has to be said. The good news is, every man is attracted to a different type of woman and has his own personal tastes. Meaning, I am in no way suggesting a woman has to fit a certain image of ‘beauty’ in order to be considered ‘wife material.’ But, as is true for both men and women, there needs to be a physical attraction between two partners to kick off a relationship, which also plays an important part in holding it together.


She is friendly and sociable.

I know, at least for me, I enjoy being social and I love having my girlfriend by my side. So, naturally, we will find ourselves together out at events or even just bumping into people at a restaurant or bar. No man wants to be worried about the attitude his girlfriend or wife is going to give to the friend he is trying to introduce her to. He doesn’t want her to turn up her nose or be short with them – it is important that as his teammate in life, she is his teammate in all areas of life.

Of course, needless to say, he should possess the same qualities and extend the same courtesy to her friends, family, coworkers, and anyone else in her life he gets introduced to.

She has a sense of humor.

We know how important it is to women for the man in their life to have a generally good sense of humor, but I’d argue it’s equally as important in the other direction as well. Particularly if a man has a great sense of humor, it will be lost on a woman who is too dry or stiff. Furthermore, it could cause tension if he is often funny and joking, and she is always serious and becomes annoyed with his lighter personality.

It is important for a couple to be able to be playful and joke around with each other. It helps lighten the mood, makes extended periods of time together more fun, and laughing together never gets old.

She is loving and affectionate.

This is more of a bonus point. It may not need to be said, because a few of the points above just direct back to someone being loving in general, anyway. But, I think it’s important to state just the same.

For me, affection is important. Holding hands, hugs, just being physically close together. It symbolizes a connection. It’s a warm, loving feeling, and I would have a hard time building a long-term relationship with a woman who shrugs off your arm when you put it around her or always feels ‘separate’ from me.


Needless to say, every man likely has a different ‘checklist’ for what he is looking for in the woman that he would consider potentially making his wife someday, but my instinct tells me one would be hard-pressed to find a guy who didn’t agree with the points listed here.

The only thing as good as finding this type of woman, is what happens in your life after you do.


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  1. Jeff on February 3, 2015 at 11:52 pm

    Another great article James. You really know how to pump them out, I see that some days you have 3 articles for one day! Quite a feat. You deserve to win 🙂

  2. Isabella M on February 4, 2015 at 12:55 am

    Reblogged this on Alternative Thoughts and commented:
    Read this and couldn’t resist re blogging- same goes for the fellas (for the gals, well me anyway!)

  3. Marsh Sutherland on February 11, 2015 at 10:15 am

    this is interesting, but you’ve never been married.

    So on behalf of the formerly idealistic and romantic bachelors who ended up divorcing the women they planned to spend their lives with, I encourage you to have a divorced guest blogger write about 12 traits to avoid in a future husband/wife so they avoid future divorce.

    Those traits do not have an opposite 1 to 1 correlation to the traits you list here. A person can appear to have all your 12 traits and still have red flag traits that consistently cause divorce in the USA

    • James Michael Sama on February 11, 2015 at 10:18 am

      Marsh – I openly admit I’ve never been married, hence “future” spouse.

      On that note, though, can you provide examples of why the points I listed here are not desirable in a spouse? Regardless of the divorce rate or marriage success, these are self-standing inherently true points that illustrate qualities we would all be lucky to find in a teammate.

      At least, in my opinion.

      • Cat on April 9, 2015 at 8:08 am

        I can step in with an answer to that, if you don’t mind (as a recently separated wife.) Firstly I’d like to say these traits go both ways- it’s a great list for women to seek in their future partners as well. 🙂

        My contribution would be ensuring the person who displays all these traits also has respect and love for herself/himself. Someone who knows their value and is secure in themselves, easily communicates their needs, and has the strength to hold down the fort emotionally when you can’t. Otherwise these traits you’ve listed are a wash.

        As years pass in a long term partnership/marriage, you’d be amazed at the lengths spouses will go to for one another, but it’s important to not lose your identities along the way. Anyone can find it easier to love someone else when they aren’t whole themselves and seek a partner to fill in the gaps. And inherently insecure and weak-willed people by design will make for bad long term partners despite having ALL the traits you describe here. And I would say it’s the single most important trait to seek above all, despite it being hard to detect when you’re faced with all these other wonderful traits. Why? Because a strong person can weather the storms when life hits hard. Insecure/codependent people cannot. Take it from me. I had the kind of relationship you describe in many of your posts and it is now all gone because his insecurity with himself got in the way of bonding in a healthy way.

  4. Cyn on June 18, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    I agree with these traits as a whole, but also feel that a woman cannot consistently be all of this in a relationship unless she is truly appreciated for them. For me being in a relationship with a man I feel safe and appreciated with allows me the freedom to want my best qualities to continue to shine. It is a 2 way street to want to be our best selves, my experience anyway.

  5. The Truth on July 21, 2017 at 6:29 am

    It is very hard for many of the single women nowadays to commit to just one man like us since most of these single women like to party so much and unfortunately are sleeping around with so many different men as well. And many of us good innocent men can commit since all we would really need is just one woman to make us very happy.

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