5 Steps To Accepting The Love You Deserve


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If we look out into the world from the perspective of Stephen Chbosky’s Perks Of Being A Wallflower quote – “We only accept the love we think we deserve”, it seems as though there is a fair amount of people who don’t feel as though they deserve very much.

Toxic relationships are rampant to the point where they are accepted as “normal,” and happy couples are cast in a light of suspicion. Nobody can really be that happy together…can they?

Take a moment to consider just how unfortunate this mindset is. We live in a society that happiness and kindness are actually less accepted than mistreatment and struggle. This is a roadblock for many people, because they form an automatic distrust of those who are, in fact, the “good ones.”

So, how can we change this perception and actually accept the right love into our life after experiencing the wrong ones?

Develop love for yourself.

The most important relationship you will ever have, is with yourself. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be. This will be a different process for each of us, as we all have different insecurities and past experiences, but the truth is that if we aren’t happy with ourselves, then we won’t ever be happy with someone else.

Fulfillment, real fulfillment, comes from within. It does not come with acceptance or approval from others, because no matter what they say or how many compliments they give you, you will always be questioning how genuine they are being since you don’t hold these beliefs about yourself. I don’t mean the “selfie love” of our generation where we compliment ourselves on social media and show the world how great we are – I mean the type of inner confidence that never allows us to do that in the first place. Find it, and you will find happiness.

Want to know a good first step? Stop comparing yourself to others (and smile).


Understand that there are good people in the world.

This is where the foundation is built. If you automatically think that people in general are bad or unworthy of your trust, then you will be meeting every new situation with disdain and skepticism. I am not saying to blindly trust everyone you meet – of course they have to earn it. But, the ones who will, are out there.

The reality we create for ourselves is governed by our daily habits, surroundings, and observations. Perhaps your family wasn’t particularly close or loving during your developmental stages. Maybe you have been through bad relationships in the past. Maybe you have a lot of negative Facebook friends who won’t stop posting bad news. From this perspective, it is of course difficult to always find the silver lining or give people the benefit of the doubt.

All this means is that you need to put a little more effort into discovering the good in people. You aren’t going to trip over happiness in the street one day, you need to go out and find it. Talk to random strangers, remove those negative people from your life. Fill your mind with the words of the great. You will find what you focus on – and the good news is, you get to choose what that is.

Give love first.

To be loved, we have to be lovable. Being cold and shut off to people who care about you (or who could potentially care about you) will do nothing but push them away. I know this is difficult if you have a hard time trusting people, but nobody said developing happiness was going to be easy. We have to step outside of our comfort zone, because if we continue to stay inside it we will continue to get what we are already getting.

Give a friend a hug, give a compliment to a stranger, smile at someone who looks like they are having a tough day. Open yourself up and you will see just how quickly people respond positively to you. This should help you realize how true point #2 is.


Recognize that each situation is new and different.

One of the most difficult things for us to get past as humans is the fear of loss. We have all experienced it in one form or another, whether it be the passing of a pet or the leaving of a significant other. If it has been a pattern in your life, it is the most natural instinct to just assume it’s only going to happen again. Over and over.

This is akin to driving a car that breaks down, and then refusing to buy another car because you think that one is going to break down too. Emotionally, this may make sense – but life is not just about emotions. We have to consider the entirely separate entity that is the new car. Built by different people, with different parts, and an entirely different history.

The same goes for people – and someone new you may love who has never even met your ex(es), does not deserved to be shut out because of their actions. Recognize that Steve is not Mike and Susie is not Jennifer. Each one is an individual finding their way into your life, make your decisions based on them.

Learn to trust people.

If someone puts in time and effort for you, whether it be something big or small, it’s important to recognize their genuine intentions and trust when they tell you how much they care.

Someone who does not feel worthy of love will feel that these words or actions are hollow and perhaps have an ulterior motive behind them. This not only makes it impossible to trust them, but it also makes it impossible to receive the love they are trying to give to you.

If you have been lied to or betrayed in the past, making it difficult to open up and trust someone again, refer to point #4. Live in the moment. Accept the greatness that is around you right now, and let go of anything that is taking away your happiness.



Be careful when building walls to keep out the people who might hurt you, you could also be keeping out the ones that will make you happy. Don’t unlock the drawbridge for just anyone, but always make sure you keep the key close by.

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  1. sewloveable on August 28, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Reblogged this on sewloveable.

  2. Kelly Lannan on August 28, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Confucius say…to love oneself, one must love oneself a lot! Woo!


    Kelly Lannan

    Sent from my iPad, please excuse typos and brevity.

  3. Lisa M. on August 28, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    Hi James,
    My sister was in an abusive relationship for several years and she’s finally back to being the confident girl she used to be, however she’s only confident with herself. She thinks she’s good enough to be in this world, but she finds it hard to believe she’ll ever be enough for a person. She doesn’t believe anyone out there will accept her past and she’s convinced she’ll only be a burden to her future partner. As much of confident, nice and loving woman she is, she still has her moments where she breaks down and can get depressed. She believes those moments are the reason why any relationship would fail ‘anyway’. How would you deal with this situation?

  4. lovelygirl on August 29, 2014 at 4:56 am

    Great post!I think its always hard to strike a balance between building walls and letting everyone in. Could you do an article on that.

  5. rlcarterrn on August 30, 2014 at 3:21 am

    Great post! And that has been one of my favorite quotes ever since I read that book a year or so ago. It explains so much of the pain I see in the world.

  6. TinaVit on September 1, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    Really great article!!! Very rewarding to read (…as usual!)

  7. Michael Mercado on September 5, 2014 at 10:37 am

    Reblogged this on couragetolivelife and commented:
    Great blog !

  8. Pamela Ross on September 16, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    Needed to “hear” this today. Thank you 🙂

  9. […] 5 Steps to Accepting the Love You Deserve – By James Michael Sama […]

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