If this is your first introduction to my writing, I unfortunately feel that I need to give a disclaimer: The majority of my articles, since I am a man, are focused around suggestions on how men can become better and live better lives. So please do not get the impression from this article that I intend to tell women how to act or am critical of the opposite gender.
That being said, many questions I get online and in person when participating on panels, are from women about why they can’t find a good man. Where are they? Are they really looking for a relationship or are they just putting up a facade to get what they want, and then leave?
I can tell you from multiple conversations with good men that they are out there. They are genuine, and they will willingly accept the right woman into their lives. Often times, a glance in the mirror is necessary. Here are ten points to help you determine if you would attract the man you want.
Think about how you’re branding yourself.
In the age of social media, everyone has a brand, whether they like it or not. How you choose to present yourself online will give men some insight into how you choose to live your life. Is it fair to be judged by what you put on Facebook? Eh, probably not…but is it the way of the world? Absolutely.
If you are looking for a man who is established in a career or his own business, he likely will not be looking for the type of woman who spends a few nights a week out partying – so these are probably not the best types of photos to have all over social media.
We are all free to choose the lifestyle we want to live, but if it doesn’t align with the type of person you want to attract, it simply won’t work out.
Side note: I had a woman at an event tell me that her online dating profile started with the words “independent woman,” but she wanted to find the type of man who had traditional values and would take care of her. Many men like this would read “independent woman” as actually saying “I don’t need you, men.” This may put across the wrong message in relation to the type of person you’re trying to find. Ask a friend to review your profile(s) and tell you what they see.
Accept nothing less than respect.
Dating is quite often a numbers game. After all, it’s difficult to know what a person is truly like until you spend time with them. This means there may be a bit of a weeding out process in order to find the right type of person for you. Remember that you’re only looking for one person to have a relationship with, out of billions – so don’t get discouraged.
This search may mean dealing with some less-than-ideal situations, but it’s important that you immediately drop anyone who disrespects you or doesn’t treat you how you deserve to be treated. This will help you find the rose among the thorns, so to speak.
If a man makes you feel as though you’re compromising your dignity or your morals in order to be with him, then it’s time to move on.
Understand that we are all different.
In relation to the note about social media, I find that many women take their negative experiences with men and use them to make blanket statements about the male gender. A man who is happy in his life and looking for a partner will have no interest in somebody who he thinks is already vilifying him before she even spends time with him.
If you want to find a better quality man, the first step is genuinely realizing that they are out there, it’s just a matter of time until you meet one.
Stop playing games.
When a mature man is interested in a woman, the last thing he wants is someone who he feels isn’t going to be genuine or is going to play childish games when it comes to getting to know him or spending time with him.
A man of this caliber will understand that a woman on his level will be equally as up front and honest about what she is looking for (without being too blunt or abrasive about it).
Stop looking for them.
By this, I mean – stop making your goal finding a man and start making your goal pursuing your passions and enjoying your own life. Why? Well…
Many women want to know where to go to meet men. Men are everywhere. Walk outside and turn around and you’ll likely see one of us wandering aimlessly towards a Chipotle or something. But, we are also where you want to be. Do you enjoy art? Go to art shows. Are you philanthropic? Go to charity events. The place will be crawling with men.
If you want to meet a man who shares your interests, stop worrying about the man and start pursuing your interests more. What you will automatically find there are men who enjoy the same things as you. The topic of conversation is already established.
Have a party.
Not for the specific goal of meeting a man, but often times the best relationships start through introductions between friends. If you are introduced to someone through a person you trust, you’ll be more likely to assume this man is a person of integrity, yes?
Have a (classy) party, invite some friends and encourage them to invite their friends. The larger you can expand your personal network, the better your chances will be. Plus, it’s a chance to show off how hospitable and well-rounded you are in the comfort of your own home.
Always be improving yourself.
This is the same advice I give to men when it comes to attracting a quality woman. The more well-rounded you are in life, the more interesting you will be to talk to, and the more likely you will be to find a man who appreciates that about you.
Frank Sinatra once said: “I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn’t be a staring contest.”
If you want a man who is interesting and has the depth to appreciate you for more than your looks, then the honest truth is you’ve got to make sure you bring enough to the table.
Be open to them being anywhere.
One of the biggest complaints I hear from men is that women are closed off. They’re closed off to being approached, and they’re closed off to conversation. This of course varies from city to city and personality to personality, but men in general are afraid of approaching women because they think they are already behind the 8-ball. Often times, for good reason.
I understand men can be creepy and many are a little awkward when talking to a woman, but the one man you’ve been waiting for may be a little shy in his approach and be pushed away by your closed-off body language.
I’m not saying to embrace every random guy with open arms – but a smile can be a great tool to easing the mind of a man who is considering approaching you, whether it be at the grocery store or at Starbucks.
Be willing to say hello (first).
I reconnected with my girlfriend after meeting her at a Halloween party five years earlier because she recognized me and approached me while we were both out in Boston. Had she not come up to say hello, we probably wouldn’t be in the great relationship we are in now.
Most men would love to be approached by a woman, but don’t be too forward or take away his instinct as a man to “lead” the conversation. A simple smile and hello or comment about your surroundings should put him at enough ease to continue the conversation with you. If not, then just chalk it up to not being the type of man you wanted anyway.
Attend classes or business conferences.
These are both in the same point because they have something in common – putting yourself in an environment that will help you learn and grow in a certain area, and surrounding yourself with other people who are doing the same.
Needless to say, your chances are higher in these situations to find people who share your same interests and level of ambition.
Didn’t meet anyone? No problem, you still learned new things and improved yourself as a person. It’s a win/win.
There is no specific formula for meeting a quality man, just as there is no math equation one can put together that will guarantee them a quality woman. But the important thing is to take action in order to increase your chances of meeting them. Dating is not a passive sport where you can sit at home and hope someone knocks on your door (How did they get your address anyway? Creepy…).
You’ve got to get yourself out into the world and open up to meeting new people and making new friends. It’s a contact sport – the more people you contact, the better you’ll do.
Already doing all of these things? The most important point of all is to never lose hope. The right person will come along and love everything about you that the wrong people took for granted.
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