7 Reasons You Think Relationships Suck
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People often ask me where I get the ideas for some of the articles I write. The truth is, a lot of the time, you’ve got to find inspiration in the un-inspirational. People who complain or are negative can often make you say “hey, it really shouldn’t be that way, and I want to say something about it.”
One of these situations that really grinds my gears is when people generalize all relationships as negative. By this I mean they make unattractive blanket statements that classify being with someone as inherently ill-fated. I mean, that really fries my chicken. It seriously burns my toast.
Here are some myths being perpetuated in our society that stem from a fundamental misunderstanding of what a relationship really is. Unfortunately, people may have had these experiences more than once, and begin to generalize as well as begin to express their opinions as overall fact.
You think everybody cheats.
This one is pretty basic. Kind of like “Why relationships suck 101.” Men cheat, women cheat, or maybe you cheat, and you can only assume that everyone else acts the way that you do. Maybe this has even happened to you more than once.
The truth is…hear me out here…not everybody cheats. There are people out there who possess the self control to understand that a loving, healthy relationship will bring more satisfaction than a temporary physical act. Typically, we call these people “mature, respectable adults” and if you only commit yourself to one of them, you may have a more positive experience.
You see your friends unhappy.
Maybe you’re single but your friends are in relationships. Maybe they don’t make the best choices when it comes to partners, and they are, overall, unsatisfied. It’s only natural that this will affect your perception of what is normal for our generation, but you are not them, and their circumstances aren’t your circumstances.
If we just take the time to listen, observe, and learn from other peoples’ experiences, we can make better decisions when it comes to our own. You do not have to be a victim of circumstance, you can create your own.
You think you’ll be held back in life.
You do not have to choose success or a relationship, all you need is to find someone who will support and encourage you along your journey. People, in general, can be lazy and unmotivated. They fall into routines and their happiness or self-motivation dwindles and this negativity can be contagious, especially in a relationship.
It’s difficult to plan a future with someone who doesn’t have any plans for their own future. This is what makes it so important to really get to know someone as well as their hopes, dreams, and ambitions, before you commit to them.
The right person will be your support system, and never discourage you.
You think you’ll have to give up your friends.
Why is it that so many people feel as though if you’ve got a girlfriend or a boyfriend, you can no longer communicate with members of the opposite sex? This, to me, is a serious trust issue and is a red flag right off the bat. When it is understood that you are two individual people with two individual lives that existed before you knew each other, it makes life much easier.
When you’re happy with someone, wouldn’t you rather introduce them to everyone and become part of each others’ lives, rather than cutting everyone else out?
You’ve had multiple relationships with the same person.
Have you ever seen a fly that keeps flying into a glass door when there is an open window on another wall, but they never seem to notice it? They just continue to fly into that closed window and when you’re watching, it’s obvious they’ll never get through. You just want to redirect them over to the open window – this is how some people treat relationships.
If you continue to go back to the same person over and over and over again, you are the fly trying to get out of the door. It’s only natural that you’ll think that every other door or window will be closed too, but sometimes, you’ve got to stop and look around the room.
You’ve been fishing in the same pond.
Perhaps worse than catching the same fish only to throw them back and catch them again, is to continue catching multiple different fish of the same kind.
Many of us tend to stay in the same circles. We often go to the same places on the weekends or fall into a routine that limits how many new people we meet. Similar to the fly in the previous example, this is a situation of how we represent the world to ourselves. We find only what we choose to focus on, and much will be illuminated if we step outside of our comfort zone and surround ourselves with different types of people.
You think all relationships end anyway, so why bother?
There are two sides to this coin. First, yes – most relationships do end. But, not all of them. Am I saying that you’ll be one of the lucky ones who ends up in a Notebook-esque marriage with a white picket fence, a dog, and 2.5 kids? Of course not. But, to prevent yourself from having a positive experience before it even begins will do more harm than good.
Secondly, why bother? For the same reason I’ve mentioned in previous articles. Sure, relationships end, but so do movies. So do books. So do nice dinners. But we still give our time, effort, and money to experience these things, because it’s the experiences along the way that make life beautiful.
Why bother? Because each person who enters our lives helps us grow into the person we will become.
What do all of these points have in common? The inherent negativity does not come from the fact that you were in a relationship, but from the person who you were with.
We have all had bad (learning) experiences along the way, but it’s important that we don’t let them contaminate our future.
The next person you bump into when walking around the corner has a completely different genetic makeup, experiential background, family upbringing, and outlook on life than the last person you broke up with.
The question we each have to ask ourselves when meeting someone new is: Am I going to let this person take the blame for the actions of someone they’ve never met, or am I going to explore the entire new world of experiences that they can show me?
The answer is up to you.
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Perfectly said, James! I talk to women everyday who fall into these traps. The one thing they have in common is that they are “waiting for the right time or right person” to reveal themselves. To go all in. To give their gifts without condition.
Then…they wonder why no man will open up to her. Share his feelings. Be vulnerable.
If you’re not willing to reveal all you with every person you meet, how can they possibly know who you are and what you have to offer?
I think, not afraid of being vulnarable in a relationship is a key, and I thank you for pointing out to that, Steve!
Reblogged this on Danz Social Blog and commented:
Stay positive and look into each of your relationship, present and future, as a learning experience. It is important to always be open minded and focus on the good of the relationship and learn from the bad experience. It will help you be more selective and allow you to find the closest to the best mate.
Every relationship has potentials for failure, but the most successful ones have boundaries. Considering a potential partner who is not happy with your communicating with members of the opposite sex is not a trust issue or red flag, it’s a healthy understanding that any time men and women are together on their own there is the potential for cheating, particulary if the other person is an “X”. Currently Facebook is listed as a major cause of relationship breakdowns, what starts innocently enough as two people just “catching up” ends up with them “Hooking Up”
Great one as always James. I actually just landed a first date next weekend with a woman who is completely out of my dating realm (older, divorced and two kids), but I ask myself, what do I have to lose? Doesnt hurt to try as long as boundaries are set and communication is kept clear as possible. From her stories of her ex husband there is way more drama that seems to click with almost ALL of your blogs about ‘how to be a gentleman’ (and what signs to look for in the wrong guys)….but I cant let her past judge how I treat her now…unless shes cheated and slept with multiple guys before or during the divorce…usually a red flag for me.
I’d just like to know when someone likes me. I have had a few instances lately where ladies have been annoyed at me because I didn’t act and I didn’t even realise they liked me. I have some trauma in my childhood and there are some things I never learned which I am trying to now but I only ever seem to pick up on peoples negative vibes, never their good vibes and I don’t know what to look for.
Cheers! Awesome information.
OK! Then why is it that 99% of the people I know are miserable in their marriages. Sorry but this makes marriage look like a big joke to me! I am enjoying being single all the while watching my friends fight, be cheated on, do the cheating and maybe divorce or just live in misery.
BTW–99% is not an over estimation.
From my view, marriage looks like a bobby trap!
To me staying single this long really has been a great decision!
Love to hear more feedback!
Lisa, I am so sad you feel that way… I was married for 27 years (met him while I was in High School) and now I had a chance to date, I really enjoyed dating (looked at it as shopping for men) and having fun. I have found a soul mate, FYI, you will know when you meet them. I am in absolute love and I can not imagine life without him. My word of advice is to be honest about your needs and wants. and you will find a great guy! I am almost 50 and so happy!
thanks for your reply, its so great to hear another perspective. I truly believe no man is faithful. They either look at porn without their spouse knowing, flirt with women openly,outright cheat or like a lot of people are doing now, live double lives. Ive never met a man not guilty (ok, ok, not totally true). men hardly hold doors for women anymore let alone respect them. I have given up, but am still a hopeless romantic. I know its like I contradict myself. I want to get married so bad, but I swear the dating scene is scary. Im 38, never married and haven’t had a date to brag about in a long, long, long time.
Maybe your the only one left who met the good men? 😉 Take care!
Well, Lisa, your view of the modern man has to be expected. If you look at many men’s view of the modern woman, it’s not a pretty picture either. Although men expect that sex will never be as good as in the “honeymoon period” (the first six months) having sex reduced to this *thing* the couple does once per month gets us pretty anxious. And with the plethora of pornographic materials available online, it’s no wonder men won’t go from marriage vows to a vow of celibacy. Men don’t hold open doors for women anymore because they don’t know if they’ll get a thank-you or SNEERED at for insulting a Strong Independent Empowered Woman ™. And yes, it does matter whether or not we’re appreciated. We’re not going to blindly white-knight and try to use chivalry in a world where chivalry is no longer relevant. Truth is, we men have not adapted as well as women to the social media age. I watch couples “have dinner” (they face each other in general direction – while they eat and play with their smart-phones. Dating now (especially online) is nightmarish. People consider manners (responding to texts in a timely way) to be a sign of neediness and low “mate value”. People chase people who ignore them – people they seemingly cannot have. It’s a really messed up world right now, and I think men and women are both very confused. Women bought into feminism 110% but I don’t think they realized what *life* was going to be like in a world where men and women became just “more dudes competing with each-other” and where men in general would go through much emasculation to be considered sufficiently “detoxified” for women. Yes, masculinity is now considered to be TOXIC. (Toxic masculinity started with discussion of the Eliot Rodger murders.) I really hear more and more women online complain about the “good men being gone”, but if you look at the kind of behavior women *reward* (with sexual access) there is nothing good or noble about these men. If anything, these men are rude, barbaric, insensitive, and self-centered. We men were duped into thinking that being good men meant being nice, but apparently being nice is to commit social and sexual suicide these days. Everyone wants to be cool, fiercely independent and ready to fling people out of their lives like yesterdays leftovers. We need to face reality. In a society that has caved in to materialism, looks, wealth, popularity and everything else wrong that social media teaches us, relationships will be difficult if not impossible to foster and maintain.
Good blog…A lot of men that I do meet think that being in a relationship or marriage will strip them of them independence…For me it’s so the opposite….yes it’s scary to put yourself out there and get hurt…But I want to find my soulmate so I’m not going to stop trying…a lot of men do think this way though.
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