5 Things Making Women Less LadyLike

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I’ve been challenged. Each article I write about how men should act, I am challenged by those who call it “wildly sexist” and tell me that I would be obliterated by society if I were to write something similar about women.

Challenge accepted.

As a man, I write from the male perspective. This is why I typically write how I feel that men should act, because they are standards that I have chosen to hold myself to. But of course, I am equally aware that the modern-day female is much different than those in the past and some men question if they are “worthy” of the respect and chivalrous acts which I encourage.

I feel that every person should be respected as a human being, but certain popular trends make me curious about how our future generations will be raised.

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They call themselves a “bad bitch.”

I can’t stand this term. I even hate writing it. Worse, I hate women referring to themselves in this way. Why does anyone actually want to be a bitch, let alone a “bad bitch?” If the girls of our generation think that this makes them sound more authoritative and respectable, well, it doesn’t.

A true gentleman will choose a good woman over a bad bitch, any day.

_______________________________________________________

They have truck driver mouth.

Sure, when you’re in the comfort of your own home or around friends, the gloves come off in terms of language (though there are still some words I’d never say), but when typing tweets or status updates, even I get taken aback by some of the words that girls use these days.

The irony of it is that I was raised to do my best not to swear around women, and now they do it more than I do.

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They talk about fighting other girls (and do it).

What? When did women become the new high school boys? With so much talk about drama and fights at clubs all over Facebook, if I blocked out the person’s name I probably couldn’t tell if the post was coming from a guy or a girl.

Keep it classy, ladies – no need to fight.

_______________________________________________________

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All they want to do is get “TURNT UP!”

First of all, what are you turning up? Secondly, is “turned” so hard to type?

A well-rounded lady is attractive to a man who wants something serious – not someone who just wants to party multiple times a week. By all means, have your fun, we’ve all been there! But don’t complain about not being able to find a steady boyfriend.

_______________________________________________________

They pay more attention to their appearance than their attitude.

Class is not a matter of style. It is not a matter of the price tag on your outfit. Class is in how you carry yourself, how you present yourself, and how you treat other people. One cannot be considered “classy” simply due to how they dress – it’s a matter of what you exude from within. Man or woman.

_______________________________________________________

As a man encouraging the New Chivalry Movement, I would be doing a disservice if I ignored the fact that a gentleman looks for a lady. Men with dreams, goals, and ambition will look for women who have the same, to be their teammate in life. To walk the journey together, side by side.

Maybe, just maybe, if more women would act like ladies, more guys would stand up and be gentlemen.

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222 Comments

  1. pattylauren on February 18, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Good read. Coming from a woman who considers herself a “good girl” but has had her moments, we are truly conditioned to be “bad bitches.” The things that real men do not want in a woman we are encouraged to do by society, including men. This behavior sends mixed messages to young women and when they finally realize that is not what is considered valuable in a wife, they feel confused and it is often difficult for them to turn their behavior around. It’s a sad cycle.

  2. Margaret on February 18, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    Halleluja!!! Thank you for this post, it was badly needed.

  3. Jennifer Wilson (@Vixsinn) on February 18, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    I can completely agree with this article. Don’t get me wrong- I fully confess to the fact that I have the mouth of a trucker- but I have, over time, learned to temper it and to gauge when it is or isn’t appropriate- not that it makes the words that I use at times “okay” by any means, but normally it is when I am relaxed in the company of people I most familiar with and who “accept” that part of my personality. It’s definitely not something that I’m proud of and I’m working on it. As far as the rest of your article, I definitely do not aspire to be known in any way, shape or fashion as a “bad bitch”, nor have I *ever* wished to fight anyone- truth be told I am a *complete* pacifist and avoid confrontation as much as possible…and what on earth is “TURNT UP?” lol As much as I hate to admit it, at 41, I guess that I am *getting old* or maybe I am just a tad “old-fashioned” because the behaviors exemplified here are definitely nothing that I would want associated with a mental picture of myself at all. I can definitely see where it would hamper finding mature relationships of any kind- from friendships to love. Perhaps when I was younger I may have leaned more that way? At this point in time, I have worked pretty hard to become a more mature and “classified” version of myself- despite my occasional trucker mouth 🙂

  4. Ashley on February 18, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    It’s about women not wanting to be seen as weak little girls that anyone can be stepped on. I’ve been the nicey nice girl who is all prim and proper and lady like. The world sees those ladies as fools, and they are played for fools by many people. Sometimes it is necessary to play the part of the bitch because the sad truth is, sometimes that’s the only way people are going to respect and listen to a woman. The problem is though, that women overdo it. They don’t understand how to strike a balance between being nice and being assertive, or their interests in rough and masculine things as well their interests in lady like things.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with women cursing to a certain degree, or needing to fight if they are trying to defend themselves or someone else. But there’s no need to be so boastful about it, and I hold that same standard to men as well.

    Women like the ones you have described aren’t confident enough in their own daily behavior to reveal to the world that no one could disrespect her, so they feel they have to constantly remind everyone. If they can get past that, they wouldn’t find it necessary to keep referring to themselves as bad bitches and how much they want to fight everyone. Their natural behavior will let it shine through on it’s own.

    • Just A Bystander on February 18, 2014 at 5:33 pm

      I agree whole-heartedly.

    • Stephanie B on February 19, 2014 at 8:38 pm

      Completely agree. So sad to see so many women who have no problem with what is being imposed on them. This dude is ludicrous, and this post is disgusting– though it’s more disappointing to see so many girls agree with him.

      Glad to see some of us get it.

      • James Michael Sama on February 19, 2014 at 8:41 pm

        So, Stephanie, you feel that it is lady like to get into fist fights, swear, only care about partying instead of improving your life, and have a bad attitude?

        I find that interesting, can you explain why?



      • A Bad Bitch on February 25, 2014 at 8:02 am

        Stephanie, I couldn’t agree more. This whole article reeks of misogynistic BS. This dude obviously still thinks women need to conform to his ideals in order to be considered worthy of love or to be considered an acceptable “lady” now.. as if we all still live in the age of needing a man’s approval.. as if our entire lives are dedicated to attracting them and being deemed acceptable by their standards. There are trends I find appalling among young women (cutting, eating disorders, ALLOWING THEMSELVES TO BE OBJECTIFIED AND TOLD THEIR WORTH IS DEPENDENT ON SOMEONE THEY’LL NEVER EVEN MEET’S OPINION, etc), but rather than take the opportunity to address the ways in which they damage themselves, he put up a big list of his personal turn-offs under toned with condescending judgement. It’s just WOW… to see so many women agreeing with him.. So sad. And to the Author; Yes, It is MODERN DAY LADY-LIKE to be able to hold your own in a world that expects so much of you while continuously beating you down. If swear words and ladies brawling offend you, you’ve lived a pretty privileged life. I suggest you leave white-picket-fence fantasy land and observe some of the horrible situations people, women, are surviving these days.



    • Jill on February 22, 2014 at 7:50 am

      If these are girls doing this stuff, they’re probably still learning about their own power, assertion and standing up for themselves.

      They’ll sort it out eventually – most of them anyway, especially if they have good role models.

    • Brenda on February 26, 2014 at 11:31 am

      Playing the part of a bitch makes people respect you? I don’t think so. They respect you when you respect them. Taking up for yourself and your beliefs, does not require meanness.

  5. thndrmunkee on February 18, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    As someone who has recently realized she may not be exuding quite as much class as (often as) she was raised to, this is a very basic set of rules to be a “Lady”.

  6. Ashley on February 18, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    “and tell me that I would be obliterated by society if I were to write something similar about women.”

    They love to think that, don’t they? What they don’t understand that this post *could* have been obliterated by society for being critical of women, IF it was written with a sexist tone and a malicious intent. But it wasn’t, and for that, you will see many nods of agreement from women. Unlike other writer who criticize women, you know what you are doing.

  7. Pamela Ross on February 18, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    I have caught myself doing several things recently, and decided a couple months ago to stop doing them 🙂 I have noticed that since I quit the “truck driver mouth” (which is hard, because I play pool with a bunch of foul mouthed boys lol) I am allowing my true personality to shine through. I didn’t decide to do this because I wanted to attract a man, but I wanted to do it for myself. After reading this, I must admit it may be a little of both. So, thank you James. As always, you inspire me 🙂

  8. Satin Sheet Diva on February 18, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    Well said, sir. Well said.

  9. jadecalipr on February 18, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Reblogged this on J+K Collective. and commented:
    couldn’t have said it any better myself and I am a woman.

  10. jadecalipr on February 18, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    couldn’t have said it any better & I am a woman! amen to you 🙂

  11. Sarah Perry on February 18, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Whatever happened to finishing schools???

    That’s where young women used to learn the finer points of being a lady!

    Clearly they seem to be a thing of the past.

    Now the way young women dress displays a total lack of modesty.

    The instincts in men will never change.

    They need an adventure to live, a mission/purpose for their life, and a damsel to rescue.

    The first will never change, but finding a damsel to rescue nowadays is a big challenge.

    Who wants to rescue a woman who isn’t a lady, has a potty mouth, and dresses like a prostitute?

    I can’t believe any self-respecting man would want to bring a woman home to meet his mom that is like that.

    Young women nowadays think it’s fine to shack up with a man and then complain when he doesn’t respect her!

    • Little Miss Menopause on February 18, 2014 at 10:54 pm

      Richard Gere in Pretty Woman? Just joking. Great comment. And Finishing Schools are definitely finished. Such a shame.

    • Samantha K on February 18, 2014 at 11:24 pm

      Women stopped going to finishing schools and started going to college.
      It’s a little upsetting that you think women should be damsels to rescue. I think in a modern world any woman looking to be rescued is foolish and any man who rescues her is just as foolish. Why would anyone want to be with someone who is dependent on them all the time?

      • Amber Kilgore on February 24, 2014 at 12:41 pm

        While the substance of what makes a woman ladylike or not is up for debate (although – why? This is the modern Era, and my foremothers FOUGHT for the right to stop demuring to men’s expectations and have their own voices heard… Even those of us with trucker mouths, thank you very much) – is it really a celebration of femininity to wish for the days in which women were considered so feeble that a man had to rescue them?
        If the type of man you’re seeking would call you “toots” and barely remove the cigar from his mouth before shooing you to the kitchen to make dinner, then by all means, distress away, thou weakly damsel!
        However, we women who choose to assert ourselves, despite being told it’s “unladylike” or “classless” would rush to disagree with you, Samantha, as well as you, James.
        As a foul-mouthed, binge-drinking woman of the modern Era, with brain (golly gasp!) and opinions of her own, I find the thought of a man telling me and my sisters “How to be more ladylike in order to attract a man” to be reprehensible. My wonderfully respectful man is my best friend and biggest supporter, but he knows GOD DAMN well that I can rescue myself, fight whatever battles I have that may need fighting, and still make him a lovely dinner and feel “all man.”
        Maybe the problem isn’t brazen women; maybe it’s men who are too weak-minded to handle them.
        *A man who believes a woman’s rightful place is the kitchen has no idea what to do with them in the bedroom.
        *A strong man can handle a strong woman. A weak man will say she has an attitude.



    • Samantha K on February 18, 2014 at 11:43 pm

      Also speaking of dressing like prostitutes maybe you didn’t notice that the women he featured as ladylike in these pictures are all naked (or at least from the waist up).

      Also I don’t consider hats clothing.

      • just me on February 19, 2014 at 7:23 pm


      • just me on February 19, 2014 at 7:25 pm

        The link is a TED talk about the objectification of women. It’s worth the time to listen.



    • Marcela on February 19, 2014 at 12:41 pm

      Being a lady has nothing to do with how you dress and has everything to do with how you treat others. Don’t mistake modesty for class.

      As to the whole damsel in distress bit, well the 18th century called and they want their line back. No one needs to be rescued by anyone. Their is a huge difference in making a man feel appreciated for what he does or leaning on a man when you need a break and “needing to be rescued”.

    • just me on February 19, 2014 at 5:31 pm

      Finishing schools are about the superficial. What is needed is substance, in both men and women. And please, the rescuer/rescued relationship is extremely unhealthy and many become abusive. Love is not a conquest, nor is it posession. A good relationship is between equals who are each able to stay true to themselves while also choosing to be true to each other . And true in all ways, as in both people being free to express their identities in a bond of unconditional love. Good relationships are also able to grow and change and adapt. They are based on truth and trust and the intrinsic qualities of people, not on superficial appearances, fairy tales and drama.

    • Hayreybell on February 25, 2014 at 9:47 pm

      While I understand what you are trying to say, I find it a bit backwards. I’m 19, southern and I do consider myself a lady.

      I curse when I’m around people my own age, not at work around my parents or other people of authority because that is not respectful. I have never in my life dressed like a prostitute. I’ll wear a tank top when its hot or mid thigh shorts but I’m not flaunting everything for the world to see, that makes me uncomfortable.

      Women today are not damsels in distress. Times have changed. Women today go to college not finishing schools because we have learned while that when a man rescues you, you’re not much more then property.

      I’m a sophomore in college, I want to help people in my profession, I want to be self reliant. I love my boyfriend and I do want to spend my life with him, grow old, have babies; but I refuse to be dependent on him.

      His family loves me. He respects me because I’m kind, because while I like to do my hair and makeup I will go outside without it because I know its not the most important thing in the world, because when he has had a hard day I’m there at home with a movie and a home cooked dinner, when he is making a poor decision I will stand up and tell him that he is being a bit of an idiot. I am willing to stand up and fight for myself tooth and nail if I or my loved ones or threatened- I have been in a situation where I was almost a victim.

      I do live with my boyfriend, he respects me; but I’m a lady not a damsel in need of saving.

  12. Tri Rose on February 18, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    Well said, Mr. James, I agree with it all. 🙂

  13. Dr. Darnise on February 18, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    I love this. I often get similar criticism on my writings and teachings on how women can re-learn how to #Lead with the Feminine. Something has gone awry in the area of relationships between men & women, and so I offer teachings that remind us about male & female energy. We can talk about gender roles all we want, and I’m up for that, but in the end there is something powerfully alluring about chivalrous men and women standing in empowered femininity. Thanks James!

  14. naturegirl on February 18, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    Well said, Ashley!

  15. Jennifer Wilson (@Vixsinn) on February 18, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    Amen to Ashley. well said!

  16. Spencer Morse on February 18, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    I truly believe that the cause for the erosion of morality and respect between the sexes in our modern society has been caused by the lack of respect for my fellow human and the role models we have championed. We have become selfish, materialistic individuals living in a world that is driven by, what I like to call the “must have mentality”. The truth of the matter is that, chivalry is no longer expected by women. The attributes and character that women used to look for in men has changed. Most no longer search within your heart or brain to see if you cut the mustard, but inside your pockets. This has led to the notorious “what can you do for me?” thought process. Unfortunately this is what some women are after. Which has left men in quite a conundrum, adapt and sacrifice ones values and/or respect to become the man some women are looking for, or maintain that the real women are still out there looking into your eyes when you speak and not at your Porsche in the Backround. The world is changing that is the simple fact of the matter. While we change with it, we have a choice, change for them or remain devoted to the belief that women, and men both deserve your respect and chivalry. Not based on the fact that they have earned it or not, but on the man you wish to be. The way you dress, speak and especially act are all your personal choices. I have made my choice, to respect my fellow human and to treat each women as if they were a princess, because after all, one of them may be my queen someday.

    On another note, Thank you James for taking such an interest in the modern day shortcomings of relationships, but mostly for encouraging others to really think about their actions.
    btw my mom loves you bro 😉

    • Jennifer Wilson (@Vixsinn) on February 18, 2014 at 10:23 pm

      trust me Spencer…it works *both* ways..there are *just* as many men out there looking at hard working, ambitious women to use as a gravy train..I happened to be unlucky enough to fall for two of them before I got smart and have been a witness to many more.

  17. CL Mannarino on February 18, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    This is lovely. Thank you for writing. 🙂

  18. Christine Elizabeth on February 18, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    Reblogged this on Anointed Beauty and commented:
    I’ll be honest and say that I don’t know how I feel about re-blogging another writer’s content, I’ve never done it before. But this post by James Michael Sama was simply too good of a read to pass up.

    I loved the “8 Acts of Chivalry To Bring Back” article on being a modern gentleman and treating a lady right. Now here’s a word to the women from the same author. Behaving like a lady doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re strong enough to respect & value yourself as a woman, as the woman you were created to be, and present yourself in a way that makes that evident to other people. It shows that you are willing to carry yourself in such a way that will not only be the example you set for all the young girls looking up at you, but also to teach little boys what a true lady is and what true beauty looks like, the kind of beauty and true strength in a woman that they should have eyes for as they grow into young men.

    Such a great post, and so much truth in it.
    (This is my own personal response to “5 Things Making Women Less LadyLike”, by James M Sama. Check out the original article of his and more on his blog at http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/.)

  19. Kari on February 18, 2014 at 9:15 pm

    I’ve never understood why girls think crudeness and and a foul mouth earn them respect. As a single woman, I am well aware that there are times when you have to stand up for yourself and demand that respect be given, but I have never found it necessary to stoop to that kind of behavior. Actually, it has been my experience that the more “ladylike” I act, the more politely and respectfully I am treated–by both sexes. The simple truth is people will ultimately treat you in the way you allow and present.

    • Victor on February 21, 2014 at 10:23 pm

      “Treat people the way you want to be treated”

    • Jill on February 22, 2014 at 8:00 am

      When I’ve been polite and respectful I’ve been stepped on countless times. Several of those times have resulted in me being physically affected for the rest of my life.
      Being polite and respectful is great, but not all people recognise or can deal with politeness and respectful behaviour/manners. Nor do they deserve them.
      I’m still polite and respectful – generally initially in a conversation, say, with new people – and I still get stepped on, especially by C grade would- be alphas (male and female).

      There are still people who are polite and respectful and I act the same way to them, most of the time. (I”m also absent-minded;) so if I’m distracted it’ll take me a while to catch up to what’s going on, in which case my mouth will sometimes overtake my brain.;)

  20. jemeanest on February 18, 2014 at 10:32 pm

    Reblogged this on The Babble Box and commented:
    This article is too good t not to be reblogged.
    Thank you for reminding us that being a lady is never an option, but should be a priority.
    Although, nowadays, women have to compete alongside men to succeed. And keeping the finesse (and manners) intact is one good trait that every girl should have. It’s quiet challenging, but it’s all worth it.

  21. Little Miss Menopause on February 18, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    This is too good not to get Freshly Pressed! Really eloquent and articulate and ACCURATE post! Thank you.

  22. meredithsell on February 18, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    Thank you for this! It drives me crazy when women tout a message of “I can do whatever I want and you have to think that makes me a great woman” and call it feminism.

  23. Samantha K on February 18, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    I’ve never read your writing before. You seem like a very intelligent person and I enjoy reading what you’ve written. I do have a bit of a critique.

    As one of the comments above me stated being a “bad bitch” is something you have to do sometimes if you want to be heard. I think the word “bitch” has become synonymous with “assertive woman”. “Bitches” are mean girls who insult you loudly in the cafeteria, “assertive women” are women who know what they want and do what they need to do (within reason) to get it.

    I think class is pretty open for interpretation. I’m confused when you say that class is not determined by how you dress but by how you present yourself. A lot of how you present yourself is in the way you dress. I don’t think you mean the world class here, I think you mean the word sexy.

  24. spattiselanno on February 18, 2014 at 11:51 pm

    Well said, I couldn’t agree with you more.

  25. Lexie Roberts on February 19, 2014 at 12:12 am

    Pff, there are woman out there who do this? Seriously?

  26. sarahlearichards on February 19, 2014 at 12:53 am

    I say if a woman wants a gentleman, then she needs to act like a lady.

  27. Christiana on February 19, 2014 at 10:26 am

    This is a pretty sweeping generalization, but I can see your point. I am actually a bit surprised that this seems to be a prevalent attitude among women today because it was not how I was raised, not how I want to act, and not how my friends act, so I have little exposure to this (I also don’t watch TV, so that’s probably a factor…no, I’m not Amish, I’m in graduate school!) I grew up as a tomboy, and I certainly enjoy being powerful – I play soccer every week with a bunch of men – but I still enjoy being a lady. I have had male friends actually thank me for dressing classy and modestly, so I suppose they’ve been paying more attention to how other girls dress than I have.
    I understand that you can’t be fully representative of everyone in your blogs, so I don’t fault you for your generalization, but do remember that there are still ladies in the world, just as you ask women to remember that there are still gentlemen in the world! As easy as it is to be given to cynicism (especially as a graduate student…we read a lot of articles that have potential to incite our rage and disappointment in humanity), I think we still have to hope in each other. If we don’t, we’ll miss each other when we’re right next to each other.

  28. Marcela on February 19, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Loved it all. especially loved how you didn’t touch upon sexuality and displays of sexuality because I feel that this is where most offering advice end up stumbling.

  29. Mary on February 19, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    I feel like this is good advice for any gender.

  30. […] is fair, gentlemen. We’ve discussed the 5 Things Making Women Less LadyLike, but we can’t forget the devolution of the gentleman into…whatever guys today call […]

  31. […] is fair, gentlemen. We’ve discussed the 5 Things Making Women Less LadyLike, but we can’t forget the devolution of the gentleman into…whatever guys today call […]

  32. LMB on February 19, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    While I appreciate the ideas you presented (not fighting, better language) I dislike the basic concept. Ladies, gentleman? Why not just human beings, if for no other reason than many people don’t fit into the standard gender binomial? Instead of focusing on trying to be more lady like why not just try to be a better person, why shouldn’t such advice apply to anyone. Why not instead of “women shouldn’t fight”, people shouldn’t fight or people should avoid cursing in certain situation? Instead of worrying about being a gentleman and opening doors, why not just be a polite person and hold the door regardless of if you’re male or female. For that matter why not be polite and pay for your date’s dinner, whether that means its a female paying for a male, vice versa, or any other combination there could. When dealing with a partner would it not make more sense to listen, respect them, love them, communicate with them clearly and honestly, and show them how much they mean to you regardless of if the other person if male or female. Yes there are differences between men and women, but there are far more differences between people and it is usually those that make the most difference. I am not saying this article or any of your other blogs are sexist, but why not look at people as human first, learn who they are first, learn what makes them them and what has shaped them first, instead of looking at them as some given gender and treating them according to what you judge that gender to be.

    • Amber Kilgore on February 24, 2014 at 12:57 pm

      I’m with you. Instead of Pigeon-holing and labeling what terms are gender-preferred, why can’t we all just opt for bettering ourselves as humans? (Although the fact that I don’t consider cursing and being a little wold to be morally reprehensible, as Evidently the Author does)…
      Unfortunately, for someone with clear ideas as to what may or may not be ladylike, the ability to think beyond gender norms may be a bit of a stretch. That’s something we have only recently begun to embrace as a society, and this article hearkens back to a time when ladies were seen and not heard.
      Having a doctorate in women’s studies, as well as being an advocate for the LGBTQ cause, it’s almost daily that I come across someone who thinks that gender roles are rigid, inborn structures and anyone shunning traditionally gender-appropriate roles or characteristics must be dysfunctional.
      While I don’t believe that the author believes this, he certainly uses his sweeping generalizations to make the more assertive of us females seem as though we lack something innately feminine.
      I’m all for being empowered by femininity, and often I do embrace my more “ladylike” side, but limiting the behaviors of ANY PERSON to fit a certain model is, frankly, just ludicrous.

  33. Mellifera on February 19, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    Well this is a cool article. I don’t always agree with the terms you use, but I like it. I’m a lady with a truck driver mouth but the fact is, I’m a good person, and I think this is the most important thing: good manners are a thing, yet being a good person is the real richness.

  34. […] is fair, gentlemen. We’ve discussed the 5 Things Making Women Less LadyLike, but we can’t forget the devolution of the gentleman into…whatever guys today call […]

  35. Sukhana Supra on February 19, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    Who made it okay for someone to decide what is “lady like” and what isn’t? Be whoever you want, if someone doesn’t like it then it’s their problem.

    • James Michael Sama on February 19, 2014 at 6:13 pm

      Thanks for your feedback! So, are you suggesting that swearing, fighting, and having a bad attitude are “lady like” behaviors?

      • Jourdan Marie on February 26, 2014 at 10:52 pm

        I think she is questioning what is “lady-like”. It is a preposterous social construction that limits female’s potential. It doesn’t exist; therefore, it can’t include or exclude particular characteristics.



      • James Michael Sama on February 27, 2014 at 12:16 am

        Disagree.



  36. RM on February 19, 2014 at 10:39 pm

    I’ve read a few of your posts now. I agree with everything you’ve said in this one except for this: you use “women” and “girls” seemingly interchangably. This is confusing. A woman is an adult, and a girl is a child. Just like you would (I assume) not want people calling you “Boy,” it is insulting to call a grown woman “girl.”

  37. lizzieonawhim on February 19, 2014 at 11:43 pm

    “Maybe, just maybe, if more women would sit down and be ladies, more guys would stand up and be gentlemen.”

    First of all, who you are should not be dependent on the behavior of others. It should be the bedrock of who you are, and it should stand firm regardless of your company. That is the true meaning of class: it’s knowing who you are and what you stand for, and holding to it. Your values can change, yes, and absolutely should; but changing your mind is different than giving up. Take it from someone who has done both.

    Secondly, I despise this idea that in order for men to be big, women have to be small (or vice versa — see Jockster from Xena, Xander from Buffy, Ron Stoppable from Kim Possible, etc. All these characters drive me nuts). I’m not going to sit down and be quiet just because some men are threatened by it when I’m big and loud, and yes, sometimes a little bit vulgar. I’m not going to tailor my behavior to the preferences of others. If you can’t treat me with respect unless I live up to your standards*, then I don’t want to hang out with you. Period, the end.

    I’d also like to address this idea that not being able to tell if a post comes from a boy or a girl is such a horrible, terrible thing. Why is it okay for high school boys to fight, but not girls? What’s with the double standard? Cut it out. Not cool.

    And another thing: you do not get to tell us not to call ourselves “bitches.” You do not get to do that. When we do that, we are reclaiming a gendered slur that has been used to silence us and keep us in our place. We are taking a word that is too often used to describe behavior that, in a man, would be called “assertive” and “take-charge” and saying “You can call me this all you like, and it won’t stop me because I refuse to believe that it’s not okay for me to embody the traits you are describing.” A lot of women aren’t really comfortable with that, and that’s fine, but it is absolutely NOT your place to tell us when, how, or whether to use that word. It’s ours now. We’ve earned it.

    I could spend hours deconstructing this post, but frankly I have better things to do.

    *The exception being if I commit murder or child abuse or something equally horrible, of course. Cussing and primping are not on par with these.

    • James Michael Sama on February 19, 2014 at 11:51 pm

      Thanks for your feedback, Lizzie. 🙂 Always good to hear the female perspective. Glad you took the time to read and comment.

  38. Life of Laura on February 20, 2014 at 10:32 am

    I couldn’t have said this better myself. Too often do I hear ‘women’ referring to themselves as a ‘bad bitch’. Do they realize how dumb they sound? Being a ‘bad bitch’ is not something I would be proud of. Whatever happened to treating people with respect, and caring for one another? Coming out into public with a “I’m a bad bitch” attitude is just asking for conflict. Its like women are trying to prove that they are rebels, or some next level tough. What is that they do that makes them a such a ‘bad bitch’ anyway? All the girls that I know that refer to themselves as a ‘bad bitch’ are not even close to a being a ‘bad bitch’. They typically hide behind their cellphones when they have something to say, they don’t even know their own identity because they conform to whoever is with them in the room, and they are the first ones talk shit about their ‘clique’. Oooh an god help anyone else who refers to them as a bitch.
    To be honest I’m not one for fighting, regardless if its girls or guys. Most fights that I encounter are at the bar when people are filled with liquid courage, and think they are invincible. Unless your superman, I don’t really find it attractive. Not to mention most fights start over something that is not even a real issue, like a split drink, or jealous, insecure boyfriend or girlfriend.
    I’m not going to lie, over a year ago I used to be one of these girls that did every single thing listed above, minus being materialistic, that has never been my thing. I turned my life around for the better through exercise and eating healthy, and that acted as a catalyst to change in every aspect of my life. I’m a much more relaxed individual, who has now realized that there is so much more to life than just being a wasted ‘bad bitch’ all the time. My relationships with my friends, family and even strangers is much more positive and rewarding.
    Women want and demand respect but act like an immature little girl walking around with a ‘bad bitch’ attitude, and then wonder why no man, or human for that matter will respect them.

  39. Holly A. Wolfe on February 20, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    Look, I understand if you don’t like things such as swearing and fighting – plenty of people don’t. However, articles such as this one reek of condescension.
    “Don’t complain about not being able to find a steady boyfriend.” Believe it or not, that’s not at the top of every woman’s priority list anymore. Women’s suffrage is legal, and more and more jobs are open to women. We don’t need a man’s paycheck to get by, so dating is optional.
    “When did women become the new high school boys?” So it’s justifiable for boys to engage in fisticuffs, but not girls? Where’s the logic in that?
    “I can’t stand this term. I even hate writing it. Worse, I hate women referring to themselves in this way.” That’s not your problem. These women can call themselves whatever they want, jokingly or not.
    I realize that I most likely will not change your stance on chivalry, I’m not under the impression that I alone can do that. However, I highly recommend that you write your posts with more care in the future in order to avoid such unfortunate statements in the future.

    • James Michael Sama on February 20, 2014 at 5:25 pm

      Holly,

      Again, with all due respect, you have found yourself on my website, featuring my blog, full of my opinions. Therefore I can write any opinion that I like, just as you are.

      Unless you think that the acts in this article are considered “ladylike” behavior, then I’m not sure what the disagreement is about.

      Nobody said any woman’s priority was to find a boyfriend – did they? I certainly didn’t.

      Again, I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond, but there has been no logical rebuttal from any commenter to explain why these actions are considered ladylike, therefore I, and the thousands of others who have shared and agreed with this article, stand by the points herein.

      – JMS

  40. LMB on February 20, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    Ok, I have two questions for you Mr. Sama:
    What exactly defines “lady like” or “being a gentleman” and where do these definitions come from?
    Also, why do we need to make it a priority to comply with these definitions and not simply attempt to be polite people who treat others respectfully?

  41. Carol Merrifield on February 21, 2014 at 8:22 am

    This is a great reminder for me. My beautiful mother was a perfect lady. I can clearly remember her saying to me as I was growing up, “Carol Ann, be a lady!”. I also clearly remember how funny and silly she was in the privacy of our home.

    Ladylike doesn’t mean prudish or stuffy. It simply means that a woman is mannerly, behaves in a gentle but effective manner in her professional dealings with others, and takes the time to learn and use words that she can find in a large book called a dictionary…that will protect her image as a lady as well as propel her through both business and personal life as a person who is deserving of respect from men, women and children.

    Great article ! Thank you.

  42. Candace on February 24, 2014 at 1:03 am

    Excellent thoughts.

    All of us have a dark side we could indulge at will; giving in to emotions or impulses or the wants of the moment requires no effort. None. It’s what children do.

    Exercising restraint and grace, however, requires great personal power. Being a lady is the ultimate show of feminine strength. Thanks for recognizing that.

    Best to you in your endeavors to champion the noble and the good.

  43. meg on February 25, 2014 at 12:38 am

    “But don’t complain about not being able to find a steady boyfriend.”

    The issue with that statement is it sends a message that if you happen to be a certain way it makes you undesirable or unworthy of anyone wanting you. There’s something wrong with the way you are and you need to fix it so you can get a man.

    I know this isn’t what was intended. But as a single woman it’s hard to pass it by without commenting. People mean well by making remarks among those lines and end up doing more damage than they could realize. It is essentially saying “you’re not good enough” and encourages the idea that you need to change yourself so you can become good enough. See what I’m saying?

    It’s the reason focusing on appearance more than attitude had to be included. Girls are told that the way they look is who they are and it’s a slow battle trying to combat that way of thinking.

    All of this from the girl that doesn’t identify with much of what was posted – I don’t care for any kind of fighting, I’m not a party girl (don’t even drink) and I keep my potty mouth to myself and close friends for the most part 🙂

  44. cayley on February 25, 2014 at 9:55 am

    I’m not trying to jump all over your case, and I know you didn’t intend it. but you saying that – because I’m a girl – I can’t swear or get in a fight is just wrong. I don’t really think anyone should do those things, but we have to understand that women and men are both human. They feel the same emotions, and have the same right as men to swear and fight. If its socially acceptable for men to have sailor’s mouth, then shouldn’t it be for women as well? People like to talk about how far women have come, but when you think about it, we are still extremely oppressed – just in a different way. This article, for example, is oppressive to women because you are telling us we can’t do what men do. Again, not jumping your case, I just feel like you should know how some will view this article, and how it CAN be offensive.

    • James Michael Sama on February 25, 2014 at 10:29 am

      Hi Cayley,

      I’d like to point out there is a difference between saying somebody “can’t” do something, and that performing that specific action wouldn’t fall into a certain category.

      Can you go out and fight if you want? Sure, absolutely.

      Is fighting considered ladylike? No.

      Can a guy go out 5 nights a week and get hammered and stumble all over himself and do nothing with his life? Sure, if he wants.

      Should he be considered a gentleman because of it? No.

      This article is about acting like a lady, not restricting everyone’s actions.

      – JMS

  45. peacefully49 on February 25, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Reblogged this on peacefully49's Blog.

  46. peacefully49 on February 25, 2014 at 10:04 am

    Lady’s are not looking top be rescued. They area looking for good partnership. And if you behave like the girls he defines as referring to them selves as “bad bitches” you’re likely to end up with an “Al Bundy”. A guy who sits in front of the t.v. and doesn’t mind shoving his hands down his crotch while, you’re sitting next to him, to satisfy an itch. And that’s all he’s saying, I think. But if that’s what “turnts” you up, have at it, just don’t be bewildered as to why that’s the only type of man you are attracting. His young man is inspiring other men to become their best and stop handing over the family Headship. And women top simply be their best. If you’re intimidated or bothered.. either you’ve seen yourself in these words, but refuse to admit to it or you’re oblivious to enormous requirements for a good marriage.

  47. lol please on February 25, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    [shut up by black eyed peas plays faintly in the background]

  48. Jme Ramos on February 25, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    I didn’t finish reading all of the comments.. But I read a few that didn’t agree with the author of this post.

    I’d like to go ahead and say I am not old.. I am not old fashioned.. I’m not stupid.. And I have “had my moments”.

    Anyway, you do not have to be a “bad bitch”, “turnt up”, fight or cuss like a sailor to be a modern woman in a harsh world and hold your own. This attitude and language are just ghetto and trashy sounding.
    Grow up ladies and realize you can be strong, independent, intellectual, and be able to defend yourself in an altercation if need be without being a bad bitch and turnt up.
    Those girls that are arguing and disagreeing are seriously not a fully grown or mentally developed woman. Argue with that if you must, but you will only be further proving my point.

  49. Jesse on February 25, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    Ladies. I have a question for you as a man. What is with the “who needs a man when you have a BOD, men are worthless” attitude, and when the bill comes they never pay, they expect the door to be opened for them, etc? I have heard that exact comment innumerable times, and it makes me cringe every time. Would I ever say something so disgustingly crass about women…NO! It sends more mixed signals than a politician. I find educated, smart, independent women incredibly attractive, but many of you bash, or shall I say flat out hate men, and then expect men to treat you like a princess. I am very old school when it comes to chivalry. For the record I know many incredibly assertive and successful women that are as far from bitches as humanly possible. So, those of you that say you need to be a bitch to get things done are way off the reservation. I don’t believe it is a man vs. woman thing, but more more society as all whole. Let’s be honest, we don’t treat us other with respect whether it be across the sexes, or to the same sex. To those of you that will invariably criticize this comment I come from a family of highly educated, very successful women( mother is an MD, sister has a masters in marketing and is a marketing director). Both of which exude class, but at the same time command respect.

  50. tonyarohr on February 26, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Reblogged this on Bless Your Heart.

  51. Paige on February 26, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    “First of all, who you are should not be dependent on the behavior of others. It should be the bedrock of who you are, and it should stand firm regardless of your company. That is the true meaning of class: it’s knowing who you are and what you stand for, and holding to it. Your values can change, yes, and absolutely should; but changing your mind is different than giving up. Take it from someone who has done both.”

    Lizzie, I completely agree with this.

    Now, to my thoughts. I understand not being okay with cussing, but why should this be specific to women? You say that you were raised to not swear around women, but why not men as well? Are our ears too delicate to hear these words? I agree that people (notice I say PEOPLE, not just men or just women) should be mindful of others and their surroundings when using language, but men and women should be held to equal standards when it comes to where or how often you think a person should swear.

    While the original intent of this article might have been to simply state turn-offs for men, to me it ties back to a larger issue in sexism. The men who feel this way are holding women up to higher standards than themselves when it comes to how we talk, the way we dress, etc. And the fact that it’s not okay for women to fight but it’s okay for teenage boys to (because boys will be boys, amiright? – I’m not advocating fighting, just trying to make a point). We may as well just be your own personalized barbies who shave perfectly and don’t curse, burp, or fart.

    I think the one thing from this article that’s actually okay is the last one- “Class is not a matter of style. It is not a matter of the price tag on your outfit. Class is in how you carry yourself, how you present yourself, and how you treat other people. One cannot be considered “classy” simply due to how they dress – it’s a matter of what you exude from within. Man or woman.” I see that you included men in this one, so I really don’t understand why this thought process couldn’t have been applied throughout the entire article.

    • Adam on March 12, 2014 at 4:12 am

      Cussing around a woman (or mother) was at one point (and to many of us, still is) considered extremely disrespectful….. that’s why he said he was raised that way. It’s actually quite the opposite of sexist.

      • john on June 19, 2017 at 4:54 pm

        some women spend alot of time trying to look beautiful , …but they should focus more on being lady like and not cursing!! It takes away from their looks completely 🙁



    • Cato Younger on March 28, 2014 at 11:08 am

      Oversensitive much? There are literally HUNDREDS of articles chastising men and describing how we should act. Only a handful the other way, and they always get tons of pushback – kind of like your comments. The simple point is this: if you want a gentleman, act like a lady. If a man wants a lady, he needs to act like a gentleman.

  52. tim obrien on February 26, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    First thing what research have you done to determine “the modern-day female is much different than those in the past”, is this an proven fact or just a general thought you believe to be true? personally i believe there hasn’t been much of a change… just the environment has manipulated how we see women and treat them. your disagreement with “Bad Bitch” is just another manipulation, I hear what you’re saying trying to win the white knight vote, but Ronda Rousey is a “bad bitch”. im going to break that down a little so not to confuse anyone. Bad referring to toughness or willingness to fight for what she wants. Bitch as in female dog, now do most people connect bitch with female dog or just derogatory usage? it depends on how its used. right? In a veterinary office bitch probably means female dog. have you ever heard a man say “I’m an Alpha Dog”, is there any difference? If you ask me, no. its referring to the masculinity, just as “Bad Bitch” is related to a women’s femininity. To say that women can’t call themselves Bad Bitches is like saying she can not be proud of her femininity and the strength that comes with it. So Rise-up bad bitches of the world, don’t let White Knight Alpha Dogs use their charm to manipulate you! all the Alpha Dogs better watch out for bad bitches if you’re trying to play.

    • lily on March 11, 2014 at 10:44 pm

      It’s an opinion, not a research paper. You don’t have to be a smart aleck.

    • Dustin Ryan Sullivan on March 14, 2014 at 2:44 pm

      You’re an idiot

    • Andie on June 9, 2014 at 10:19 am

      I don’t know about other people, but the word ‘bitch’ IS derogatory to me, and I would never use it to describe myself or anyone else.

    • Rachel on June 9, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      As a modern day female that has researched behaviors of women in the past….yes. There are many differences. Anyone who refers to themselves as a “bad bitch” is in no way feminine, and it is annoying when women use that as a term that is supposed to make them awesome. Just like any man who says I’m an Alpha Dog” makes me want to punch them in the throat.

  53. Sara_Wildes on February 26, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    Reblogged this on Chronicles of the Chronically Confused. and commented:
    5 Unfair Oppressions That Label Women As “Less Ladylike”
    1. Call yourself whatever you want- If you are empowered by being a “bad bitch”, good for you! If we own negative labels, we may be able to take them back and make them our own again. #badbitchesforlife
    2. Swear as much as your fucking want to- just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you need to limit your colorful and expressive vocabulary. Your fowl mouth will NOT take away from your femininity, you are still a lady if you want to be.
    3. Defend yourself and fight them “basic bitches”-I’m actually not encouraging violence, but if you have to throw a punch once in a blue moon to prove a point or to defend yourself, THAT’S OK. Being physically aggressive, just like our men counterparts does NOT make you less of a woman.
    4. Party whenever the fuck you want to-No one has the right to judge you and your choices of going out or consumption of alcohol will only deflect and turn off men who are boring as fuck… If ANY potential boyfriend told me I went out too much to be in a steady relationship, I would agree because he obviously isn’t steady, secure, or mature enough to handle my level of confidence and fabulousness.
    5. Present yourself the way you want to, those who judge you can fuck off- there’s no “ladylike” way to carry yourself or present yourself. There are no “ladylike” ways to speak and no “ladylike” mannerisms. Any man who judges you for not being “ladylike” can borrow my Time Machine, blast back to the 1950s and marry their fucking mothers.

    Get real, love yourself, don’t limit your expressions, language, or actions out of fear that you won’t appear “ladylike” enough to be loved.

    • Laura on February 26, 2014 at 7:55 pm

      1. You don’t have a fowl mouth. You have a foul mouth. Fowl is a chicken.
      2. You are currently single, aren’t you?
      3. I would be willing to bet next month’s house payment that you grew up without a father present.

      • Sara_Wildes on February 26, 2014 at 8:13 pm

        1. #oops Spelling has never been my thing.
        2. Recently single and learning to live for me instead of for others.
        3. Rude assumption. I’m deeply offended. My parents are married and my father has been highly involved and has been a huge presence in my life. In fact, I’ve developed many of my opinions from lessons I have learned from him. I’m not sure why you would assume my opinions correlate to the level of involvement of a father-figure in my life. Does being raised without a father make someone “less ladylike” because I would absolutely disagree.



      • Jourdan Marie on February 26, 2014 at 10:42 pm

        Wow. You’re an ass. And Sara_Wildes is completely right. This article is a bunch of anti-feminist bullshit. And by the way I’m single because I am genuinely choosing to be so and my daddy is my best friend 🙂 But you can go fuck yourself.



      • Sarah on February 27, 2014 at 12:02 am

        Laura! Omg! You owe Sara Wildes next month’s house payment!! Maybe your dad can write the check out for you.



      • Lauralee on February 27, 2014 at 4:42 pm

        Laura – Great call! Well written, Well done!!



      • Maylynn Finley on March 3, 2014 at 5:34 pm

        Omg, Laura you are about as ignorant as it FUCKING gets. How dare you assume she hasn’t had a father in her life. I think my father would be proud of me for welcoming you to GO FUCK YOURSELF C:
        Daddy always said a lady is a woman who speaks her mind, obviously you grew up in a house with a tyrant not a father.



      • Sarah Hawkes Valente on June 11, 2014 at 2:45 am

        I understand and agree with the thoughts behind your comments, but as one lady to another, I respectfully ask you to *please* refrain from using, “You grew up without a father” as an insult. Bring raised without a father is never the fault of the child, and as a single mother who is working her tail off to raise five well-adjusted, respectful children, this kind of thought-process is extremely disheartening. I absolutely agree that a two-parent home is the ideal, but we moms (and single dads) can fill a pretty big hole when we’re forced to. 🙂

        Carry on.



      • Shelley on July 3, 2014 at 11:37 am

        Thank you, Laura. I believe when a person has a large vocabulary, they can use foul language only for great emphasis, with no need to drop an f-bomb every few sentences.



    • Renee on February 26, 2014 at 9:06 pm

      I agree with your comment completely.
      This man was only fulfilling his requests to write an article like this, but he should’ve known better than to tell women, or men, how they should act in order for him to be happy. He can share his opinion, it is apart of basic freedom. But not only is this offensive and wrong, he is saying these things as if he is commanding. He is ordering that women act and talk a certain way so they may obtain respect and become “ladylike.” Women, and men, deserve respect no matter what curse words come out of their mouths’.
      It’s important for women to feel comfortable in their own skin, and if they like to put way too much time into their appearance to get there, then who are you to judge?

      • Sara_Wildes on February 26, 2014 at 9:16 pm

        Well spoken and articulated, Renee.



      • Dustin Ryan Sullivan on March 14, 2014 at 3:02 pm

        He isn’t “ordering” you to do anything. He’s simply saying men of character won’t like you as much and will probably go find somebody else lol deal with it



      • Loren on March 26, 2014 at 10:51 am

        Who are you to judge? I’m always perplexed by this claim that we should not judge people. Strangely, it comes from the Bible, ” Judge not lest ye be judge…” in the Gospel of Matt, though, most people miss the rest of the passage in which The Christ is telling peeps to hold themselves to the same standard they hold others to. Nonetheless, to the real point, what do people think judging is that we should not be doing it? Consider, “She is someone I would like to get to know” is a judgment. “She is pretty” is a judgement. “He is rude” is a judgment. “He is helpful” also a judgment. I assert that no one can go a single day without judging another person; we may all do it in our head and keep our judgment to ourselves. Nonetheless, we all judge everyone else all the time.

        As a specific comment to something said, “It’s important for women to feel comfortable in their own skin, and if they like to put way too much time into their appearance to get there, then who are you to judge?” He is exactly the person to judge, as am I, you, and everyone else. The judgment that only I can make is the one of importance: “Do I want to spend time with this person?” “Do I want to invest my emotions in this person?” The answers to those questions are judgments that only I can make. I will never have all the information about any person so I have to make these judgments with the information available to me. One’s appearance, one’s demeanor, one’s language, one’s behavior towards others are all means by which I will make these judgments.

        I hope it’s not surprising to anyone to be told that people are attracted to people of similar character. Thus, “gentlemen” will tend to be attracted to “ladies”; men who tend to treat everyone they met with respect and dignity will tend to be attracted to women who treat everyone they met with respect and dignity; men who don’t go out carousing every night will tend to be attracted to women that don’t go out carousing every night. In each case, the reverse tends to be true as well; women are attracted to men of similar character. You see the pattern? Thus, the lessen follows from the proposition that if you want to attract someone of particular character type be that which people of that particular character type tend to be attracted to.



      • Cato Younger on March 28, 2014 at 11:21 am

        Oh get over yourself Renee!



    • nathan on February 26, 2014 at 11:43 pm

      sara wildes youre killing itttt good on ya

    • Jen on February 27, 2014 at 2:18 pm

      WELL FUCKING SAID!

    • Sarah on February 28, 2014 at 5:13 pm

      Turnt down for what

    • Pete on March 12, 2014 at 7:08 am

      Folks, exhibit A…

    • Pete on March 12, 2014 at 7:10 am

      And yes, your foul mouth WILL take away from your femininity.
      (and yes, I know I’m three weeks late to this party :-))

    • Bekah on March 12, 2014 at 3:24 pm

      This is sad. Just like there’s standards we hold men to, there’s a standard for LADIES as well. There are standards to hold yourself too. These are HIS standards of ladies, just like you label a man boring if he doesn’t like how frequently you party. It’s not a matter of sexism or your so-called “feminism”. It’s a matter that our society says we should no longer have standards of those we choose to be with, because if I’m CHOOSING to be in a relationship with someone he needs to be someone who holds himself to the same standards as myself.

      “same standards as myself”- that’s what men and women being equal looks like.

      • Liz on March 28, 2014 at 8:03 am

        true dat



    • Jake on March 13, 2014 at 4:06 pm

      As a man, I totally agree with YOUR views on this! I like people who are excited about life and are eager to live it to its fullest. I also tend to trust people more when they DO swear fairly often. Bad bitches all the way! (as long as they don’t smoke cigarettes, YUCK!)

    • Dustin Ryan Sullivan on March 14, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      If you act like a bitch, that’s why you get dogs. Accept it or not

    • Dustin Ryan Sullivan on March 14, 2014 at 2:50 pm

      I would bet 100 bucks your arguement only applies to you and other women, not to men. You want men to love you if you’re a “bad bitch” but if a guy acts like a total bastard, doesn’t give a shit what he looks or acts like, then I would imagine you would NEVER “love him for who he is”

    • RachaelB on March 26, 2014 at 11:48 am

      And this is why men aren’t men anymore- because of women who carry this attitude. BIOLOGICALLY we are programmed to behave a certain way. Switching roles in society is making everything screwed up and people are getting confused. It’s all about BALANCE. You can be a strong, independent woman who is also a lady without cursing or fighting and being aggressive. Cursing is an uneducated way of expressing your emotions and often used as space fillers. Be PROUD of your femininity. OWN it! Being a feminist should be about not only equality, but embracing your femininity and “surviving”- not becoming as androgynous/masculine as you can in defense.

    • Loren on March 26, 2014 at 11:20 pm

      Sara, Can I own “White Supremacist”, taking it back, making it “our own” again so it no longer has the negative connotations that it has acquired over the years? What about “sexist”? “Male chauvinist”? “Asshole”? “Player”? “Dead-beat dad”? “Wife beater”? By taking these words back, would it somehow strip the actions and behaviors that earn a person these titles of their negative moral, and in some cases legal, evaluations? If we somehow own the negative label “wife beater”, and thus took it back, making it ours again, would that somehow make beating my wife okay? No, quite obviously. All that would happen is that the negative actions and behaviors would be described by some other term that would take on the negative connotations “wife beater” presently has. The term “wife beater” would either come to mean something completely different or would pass out of the vernacular.

      Thus, I assert taking a negative label back does nothing for actually changing the judgments people have for the behaviors that presently earn one the negative label. All it does is change the meanings and references of some words in our language. That is to say, beating one’s wife is bad no matter what term we use to describe it.

      On the other hand, if a negative label has no consistent connection to behavior that is judged morally, legally or in some other way negative, that someone is describing another person with that label has more to do with the first person’s subjective preferences and opinions about the second person, than with any real behavior of the second person. For instance, “slut” has come to have that sort of use. People don’t use it to actually say some woman has any specific negative character traits or behavioral habits, but rather that they just aren’t happy with her, or don’t like her. Taking back the word “slut” is not going to change the fact that people won’t just straight up say “I don’t like her.” We humans, well perhaps it’s just Americans, think there is something wrong saying “I don’t like him,” but find nothing wrong with say “He’s a fucktard.”

    • Cato Younger on March 28, 2014 at 11:09 am

      Sara, Thanks for showing us what a low-class skank writes like. You are a poster girl for the degeneration of our culture.

    • anonypolitics on May 15, 2014 at 11:12 pm

      Sara Wilde -> Your rant makes you appear to be yet another brain washed, peer pressured female who has bought into the ‘feminist’ way of life. Women are incredibly strong internally and fiercely protective in nature. They are the pillar of the family unit. That does not mean they must act like men by engaging foul mouths and posturing. It also does not mean women need to act like weak, promiscuous, whiney, clingy beings.

      Your comments above are nothing more than that of a female trying to be a male. In wanting to be a male, you give away the power that is inherent within the female. The power of grace, internal beauty, bearing life, calm, intense love, kindness, gentleness, creativity, and more as the list is immense. We already have men acting like men – why would we want more masculine behavior? Life is about balance – we need both.

      It also tells us that you have fallen for the biggest line of ‘that guy in the bar who wants an easy one night stand.’ The mantra of the feminist is the doorway to losing your own identity rather than gaining one. It is also the same as kneeling down to be a willing subservient to males, government and others. What am I saying? Just watch what happens when you step off the feminist plantation. Watch how much you are stomped into the ground. As you seek to be everything the feminists say you must be – when you are fatigued and your genetic processes are screaming for attention – when you are tearing your hair out – remember what you have said here.

      If your way is the way to success and freedom for females – then, tell me, why can you not make a choice to be a stay at home mom without being looked down on by the feminists?

      The pioneer women did not have foul mouths, they were not backstabbing and catty with fellow females, they did not compete with the male to be the man in the relationship and they expected to be treated like a lady aka with respect. These women were INCREDIBLE as they built this country, they forged pathways for women in science, math and more. They helped the world realize that women are not just sex objects – that they have brains, intelligence and can think. They did not have to act like men or emasculate men to do this. The feminists of today have penis envy and want to be males. They also want to emasculate males, yet they yearn to be grabbed up by that kidnapper that steals away their control. Disgustingly sick.

      Women do not need to act like men nor do they need to act like entities current society dictates as ‘being a female.’ These peer pressured ideologies kill the very essence of women and diminish them as well.

      You, apparently, want to give away the feminine power. If that is what you want – to be a shell of who you could be, go for it. Just don’t try to impose your shallowness on the rest of us and don’t attack the author for their much needed insights and wisdom.

      Fads come and go. Style and Class are eternal.

      • Sara_Wildes on May 16, 2014 at 12:01 am

        1. Why is ‘feminist’ in quotes? Do you believe in the oppression of people? Oh you don’t, you say? Congratulations! You’re a feminist.
        2. Women are not only incredibly strong internally, but in the crazy and rare occasion, some women are strong externally too. But obviously, they just want to be a man, right?
        3. Since when is “engaging foul mouths and posturing” a gendered behavior?
        4. Female power of “grace, internal beauty, bearing life, calm intense love, kindness, gentleness, creativity” is a stereotype of the female gender. The female sex, however, may not identify with these “powers” and it does not mean what-so-ever that they wish to be male.
        5. I can’t even dignify the next paragraph with a response.
        6. Women and men should both be free to make the decision to stay at home with their children without judgment. Strange you didn’t mention stay-at-home dads. Post-modern feminists (which is the wave of feminism scholars believe that we are in today) would not look down upon this decision. Sheryl Sandberg even suggested in her book, Lean In that “A truly equal world would be one where women ran half our countries and companies and men ran half our homes.” Food for thought.
        7. The “Pioneer Women” that you are referring to had to deal with so much shit from society and despite said shit, yes, they were still able to “forge pathways”. They absolutely competed with males. No, they did not compete TO BE the male, because they were “pioneer WOMEN”. Not only did they have to act like men, but they had to speak like men just to be heard. As a society, we have overcome so much due to these “pioneer women” and I would hope that all self-identifying feminists would be grateful for their triumphs.
        8. “The feminists of today have penis envy and want to be males. They also want to emasculate males, yet they yearn to be grabbed up by that kidnapper that steals away their control”— I’M SORRY, WHAT? A) you just made a sweeping generalization with a lack of knowledge about feminists. B) this sounds like you’re referring to rape. “grabbed up by that kidnapper”… “Yearn” by definition means to “have an intense feeling of longing for something”. Are you saying feminists have an intense feeling of longing to “be grabbed up by that kidnapper”…. Did you actually type that sentence?
        9. My name is Sara WILDES.



    • Aambertyme on May 17, 2014 at 5:28 pm

      In other words, don’t have any self respect, with no self control, act as low class as possible, and thus attract the same in the opposite sex. Then cry to your girlfriends and mama that they just don’t have any respect for you!

      • avram on June 9, 2014 at 9:51 pm

        Haha,, love it and agree!



    • Christiaan Funkhouser on June 9, 2014 at 11:38 am

      Apparently you were too offended to get the point of the article.

      1. James’ point is that calling yourself a “bad bitch” is not going to get you a gentleman. If you don’t want one, that’s fine, but gentlemen would never call you a “bitch” and find it repulsive that you would call yourself one, because that term is demeaning towards women.

      2. Sure, swear as much as you want, but don’t expect to find yourself a gentleman. Not everyone cusses, and not everyone wants someone who cusses as part of their regular vocabulary. Myself and my group of friends find cussing for those who lack a proper vocabulary and are uneducated – especially as most cuss words are used outside of their dictionary definition.

      3. Great. Go ahead be a fighter. There’s a difference between defending yourself against a physical attack by physical means, and defending yourself from a verbal/online attack by physical means. You’ll notice James doesn’t say it’s OK for men to either.

      4. Great. Go ahead, party, get wasted, spend 3-4 nights out a week and the next days with hangovers. Don’t expect to be dating someone who has a full time 9-5 job and will join you.

      5. Absolutely. Go ahead, just remember that the way you carry yourself will determine how people treat you in live. (Man or woman) If you’re rude to service people, they will find you to be a jerk.

      What it comes down to is, you are free to do whatever you want to do Sara.

      If you want a man who will call you a bitch, swear a lot, pick fights with people and get into bar room brawls, can’t hold a full time job because he’s out partying with you all the time, and doesn’t worry about what society thinks about him so he acts like a slob, and treats people poorly. Than you are free to do your 5 steps. Just don’t complain when you don’t have a gentleman.

      However, if you want a man who would never dream of calling you a “bitch”, doesn’t cuss because he has a vocabulary and can articulate himself, only fights to defend those who are defenseless, can provide for for himself and you if need be with a stable well paying job and who is a proper gentleman and treats you like a princess… you must realize that just because you have the freedom to act however you want, doesn’t mean you should.

    • rachelbodine on June 9, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      Yes, there ARE lady like ways to act, speak, and present yourself. It’s just that you obviously possess none of them.

    • avram on June 9, 2014 at 9:47 pm

      Most guys I know wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole,, You sound worse than the trash I put in my garbage can and I bet your single status is consistent as they get lol!

      • avram on June 9, 2014 at 9:53 pm

        in response to sara WILDES!



    • lew williams on September 11, 2014 at 7:37 pm

      Sara, you are exactly the crude, self-absorbed, ignorant and vulgar type of woman I thank God I don’t have to deal with

    • Josh on June 19, 2017 at 4:59 pm

      You need to go to Charm School

      • Josh on June 19, 2017 at 5:01 pm

        Sara and some of you…go to charm school and learn some class!!



  54. Sarah on February 26, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    I especially loved your last criticism: “They pay more attention to their appearance than their attitude.” This is really funny coupled with the hot models who act as our visual aid. They are the pictures of “Ladylikeness.” hahah. Women pay attention to their appearance because they are told to by men. Because this kind of imaging tells us to! It’s SUPER HARMFUL. Secondly, being Ladylike is GREAT! But one doesn’t do this for the purpose of becoming more attractive to men. You say this over and over: if you do this-you’ll be attractive to me. As if that’s what our whole life is about! This message is SO limiting. It says, “Ladies, clean yourself up so that you will be attractive to US. Women, let the men curse and fight..when you do it- it’s repulsive.” Do you see how this message tells women that this mythic ladylike women is who we need to become to be accepted by men? 🙁

    • Fedup on February 27, 2014 at 12:34 pm

      Most men don’t care what your wearing, or how you look. Most men do not make lady’s worry about their appearance. Blame the fashion mags and each other. If your man is only fixated on how you look then you made the mistake not us. I think I speak for many men that are tired of seeing articles like these putting men into one category of what we want from females equal to our media expression of a rap video girl. We want to treat you all with chivalry, but if we don’t also have a fat wallet, and a nice car, a great job, and a house then our chivalry means nothing. You ever heard the expression behind every great man is a great woman? Its true, its true for the ones that stick around long enough to see their dreams come true. I think the author was really tame in this article and its true that their are plenty of articles condoning men in the worst ways and girls jump right on board the hating spree. I.E.- (http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/the-actual-difference-between-women-who-are-hot-and-who-are-beautiful/) But as soon as we try to challenge the infallible temple that is women they jump down our throats. Yes men are capable of some horrible things, but yall act like its a free pass to do what ever you want. Party girls end up with someone else who likes to party like they do and then get burned. The swearing doesn’t matter. If you think your a “bad bitch” then you will find a bad man. Girl fights are only entertaining to violent men. I think the author is only showing the tip of the iceberg here for fear of mobs of angry women’s comments. I think this list could have some additions. Like having too many men on hold incase everything goes wrong. Instantly dating someone else. Passing up the good guys for ones that basically are the things they complain about. And thinking that all men are the same. The most attractive thing on a women is her mind. Then class, then attraction.

      • Fedup on February 27, 2014 at 1:14 pm



      • Guy on February 28, 2014 at 3:33 am

        Uh oh, Sounds like someone got friend-zoned. WOMP.



    • Kay on February 28, 2014 at 7:27 am

      “They pay more attention to their appearance than their attitude.” This is really funny coupled with the hot models who act as our visual aid. They are the pictures of “Ladylikeness.” hahah. Women pay attention to their appearance because they are told to by men.”

      I don’t know what country you live in but here in the USA I’ve found the exact opposite to be true. Women are the ones who tell other women to look good and they use men as the scapegoat. Women are the ones constantly judging each other’s appearances. Where’d she get that jacket? What’s up with that haircut? She’s too big for those jeans. I can say this because I know it to be true, I’ve been a part of these conversations and I haven’t met a woman yet who has not been. Am I proud of that fact? No way. But it defines my point. Every man I’ve ever known could care less what I’m wearing. And I grew up with three brothers and they’re the same with their wives. The author is not his statement with a photo of some hot model in designer clothes saying “Now this is a Lady!”, is he? Where did that even come from?

      “Women, let the men curse and fight..when you do it- it’s repulsive.” Do you see how this message tells women that this mythic ladylike women is who we need to become to be accepted by men?”

      All I have to say to that is you get back what you put out. If you want to cuss and fight and act like a fool you will likely attract the same type of person. Go for it. And you definitely do not need to listen to the opinions of men and what they find attractive. But IF you are in search of a man (not by any means saying you are, just in general) you might have better luck going with the male opinion than the female. As women we’ve convinced each other (and ourselves unfortunately) that we know everything about men and we need to share that information with other women as much as possible (screw you Cosmo). But it’s all malarkey. And being a lady isn’t mythical at all. It’s your option to be or not to be.

      la·dy noun, often attributive \ˈlā-dē\
      : a woman who behaves in a polite way

      • Anonymous on March 26, 2014 at 8:46 am

        Hear, hear!



    • Cato Younger on March 28, 2014 at 11:12 am

      Most men do NOT like what fashion mags are putting out. Most fashion designers are gay men and they want straight, stick figure women because it reminds them of pre-pubescent boys. Sarah, you seem nice, but grow up. If this little bit of tepid constructive criticism is so harmful, well. If being asking to behave appropriately with good manners is SO limiting, then you are definitely on the wrong blog.

    • anonypolitics on May 15, 2014 at 11:14 pm

      No, Sarah. You are confusing Media and Media hype with what truly attracts a male. If you want to fight something – go after the media who pose females as sex objects rather than the incredible creatures they are.

    • Linda on June 19, 2017 at 5:19 pm

      be a lady Sara…have some respect for yourself and then you will be respected.by men!! Have some class and you’ll feel better!! Your Daughter is going to have the same bad attitude as you…it’s sad!!

  55. Jaclyn on February 26, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    I used to be a “bad bitch” then I grew up and learned to respect myself.

    • James Michael Sama on February 26, 2014 at 7:18 pm

      Yes!

    • Guy on February 28, 2014 at 3:34 am

      So you turned Basic? That sucks boo.

    • Mr The Kid on June 6, 2014 at 4:35 am

      thank you, sweetheart, need more of you 😉

  56. nathan on February 26, 2014 at 11:26 pm

    they have artistic merit if nothing else

    • nathan on February 26, 2014 at 11:34 pm

      James Michael Sama. Trying to regress society one blog at a time. Modern Gentleman (don’t need to riff on that one). Secular Misogynist. Fart provoker. Writ3s stuf nd speeks it 2. Seen in adult films, on the cover of book that compiled the world’s worst rhetoricians (BURN) & TV infomercials.

      • John on February 27, 2014 at 12:32 pm

        Were you high when you posted this?



      • Cato Younger on March 28, 2014 at 11:18 am

        Nathan, Dude. Drugs really aren’t cool. They fry you brain. For proof I redirect you to your own post.



      • rachelbodine on June 9, 2014 at 1:26 pm

        Please waste your time somewhere else.



  57. Ash on February 27, 2014 at 12:42 am

    I mean, I see where the guy is coming from on some points (1, 2, 5)
    For example “truck driver mouth” – I swear all the time, but there is a time and place for it. That place is not on social media and not in professional company. I would hope you aren’t swearing in a professional setting, regardless of gender.
    The whole “bad bitch” thing just screams stupidity to me. Own the word if you must, but it just seems more juvenile than anything else. There are connotations that come with “bad bitch” and I wouldn’t want to label myself as one. Re-claiming the word to make it more socially acceptable is kind of ridiculous. Why is bitch something to be reclaimed. We aren’t bitches, bitches are dogs. We are women.
    The fighting point is kind of unnecessary. If someone deserves a punch, they deserve a punch. The part about fighting in clubs that annoys me is that getting THAT wasted and getting into fights just seems dumb. But that goes for both men and women. Apart from that though, bro – girls are way tougher than boys. WAY, We deal with so much more crap than you on a daily basis. Why shouldn’t we punch someone if they deserve it? If you can, so can I.
    “turnt up” is just a new phrase in a long line of many. If someone wants to party all the time, they can party all the time, male or female. It may put a strain on a relationship, it may start a relationship, it may end one. That has nothing to do with clubbing/going out and everything to do with the people in the relationship.
    the fifth one is something most everyone agrees on. Being classy is more about attitude and less about what you’re wearing. For me, being classy refers to how one person treats themselves and others. And as he said, this goes for men and women.

  58. natalie on February 27, 2014 at 7:20 am

    I cringe when I hear women *and men* cussing like a sailor.
    If your calling yourself a bad bitch I hope your still young and grow Out of that label cause there isn’t anything appealing about being around someone who labels them self a bitch.
    If you feel a need to fight someone, be constructive and join a kick boxing class. You just sound like a scrappy high school kid when you “wanna fight”.
    I don’t get the women that want to party all the time *the guys either* there comes a time when you have to grow up and be responsible. I get the need to go out once and a while but 3 times a week to go drink?
    Dress how you want, if you have good morals how you dress doesn’t define you. How you act does.

  59. Robert on February 27, 2014 at 7:45 am

    Well as a man in my forties and married for 18 year when I was single I looked for women to ladylike. Plain and simple. I didn’t want a bad bitch a fowl mouth woman. I wanted a woman with class and that’s what I married. One that knew how to carry herself, and command respect simple by being in her presence. She is strong willed with being offensive. I don’t curse very much but sometimes and she does sometimes. But she is regal in her standing. If I had wanted a women that acted like a man I would have married a man. I understand exactly what the author is trying to say. If your offend then you took his meaning wrong.

    • rachelbodine on June 9, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      I love your comment, Robert!

  60. Rose on February 27, 2014 at 8:39 am

    As a mother of a 22 year old, I will make sure she avoids you at all costs.

    • James Michael Sama on February 27, 2014 at 9:39 am

      That’s probably a good idea, Rose. We wouldn’t want her heart to be broken when she finds out I’m already in a happy relationship.

      Thanks for helping us dodge that bullet!

      • John on February 27, 2014 at 12:37 pm

        I agree with everything you ever say….. Ever….As that word stands there by itself I can see why this word alone was responsible for the slurring English of this day. Say it like water is falling out of your mouth. It’s a lazy word and I blame it for the welfare state of America.



    • Kay on February 28, 2014 at 8:19 am

      Is she a trash-mouthed scappy over-partying bitch (or rather-bad bitch)? If so I can’t imagine why you’d need to shield her from the author. Seems it’d be the other way around.

      Oh and congratulations on that by the way…

    • rachelbodine on June 9, 2014 at 1:29 pm

      Yes, you wouldn’t want a gentlemen-ly influence in your daughter’s life! Can you imagine? She might turn into a classy lady! Oh no!

      • James Michael Sama on June 9, 2014 at 1:30 pm

        Ha! Classic, Rachel!



      • Bethany on July 2, 2014 at 5:00 pm

        Rachel, love that!



  61. Alex on February 27, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    First off the term bitch has been changed in a more positive light. Being a bitch now a days is meant by being assertive and independent that doesn’t need any man to take care of her. Second, every point you have mentioned is something most men do. Our society tells us that men and women should act differently but all that does is create inequality in which one benefits and the other suffer. If a women wants to cuss and get wasted or beat someone’s ass cuz something happened then that’s her perrogative and doesn’t make her any less of a woman. This article is complete bullshit. And sexist indeed.

    • Kay on February 28, 2014 at 8:15 am

      I’m independent and assertive and I pay my bills all by myself. Go me! But don’t you dare call me a bitch. Bitch is not and never will be a positive term unless referring to a dog, and even then it’s just neutral. In my experience, the girls that call themselves bitches are trying to appear tough. And they’re usually not. And how do women suffer from acting like they have some class?

      • lily on March 11, 2014 at 10:51 pm

        ^ Agreed. You don’t have to be a bitch to be assertive. Same as you don’t have to be a doormat to be a lady. A lady is assertive, but she’s not going to be a bitch about it.



    • rachelbodine on June 9, 2014 at 1:30 pm

      The term “bitch” is nowhere near a positive term. And it never will be.

  62. Hayls on February 28, 2014 at 6:42 am

    This is quite mosoginistic as well as chauvinistic. Women and men are created to be equals. The idealism of being ladylike was created by men and look at who is writing an article about being lady like- of course a man who knows nothing of what it’s like to actually be a WOMAN. Being a feminist myself I really don’t fathom nor respect the popularity of this post.

    I’d prefer to be a unique woman than to be an idealism of what a “lady” should be. Stop the woman on woman hate and allow each other to experience life just as much as men can. With out the fear or whispers saying “slut” or “whore”. To try to shame each other into hiding our desires. Some of the most intelligent and influential women in this world are the most vulgar, honest, and sexually adventurous people I’ve ever known or even read about.

    A strong independent confidant woman doesn’t need to put down another woman’s lifestyle to feel good about herself. If anything she embraces the new and different and jumps at the opportunity to be different.

    • Kay on February 28, 2014 at 7:38 am

      Men and women were not created to be equals. We have different parts. Our minds work differently. We are not the same as men. Of course we are all humans and should have all the same rights and be compensated equally for doing the same work. But to say we are equal is a stretch. We surpass men in some areas and men surpass us in others. It’s just how it is. No amount of feminism will change that. I do agree that we need to stop woman on woman hate. Just like we need to stop human on human hate. It’s difficult for any group to progress if everyone’s too busy hating each other to move forward and work together for a common goal.

    • Cato Younger on March 28, 2014 at 11:14 am

      Hayls, you have made the mistake common in our culture of confusing “equal” with “the same”.

  63. Kay on February 28, 2014 at 7:13 am

    Am I the only woman here who liked the article and actually agrees with all of it? Does that make me sexist? Against my own kind? Women are too quick to jump on the sexist train. Get over it. You all know that the things he listed are legitimate. He’s not saying you can’t do these things or that men don’t do these things, he’s saying they’re just not very lady-like and he’s right. If you’re cool with being trashy then continue on you bad ass bitches.

    -Chivalry is dead, and women killed- I Love Dave Chapelle!

    • Ashley on February 28, 2014 at 11:46 pm

      Kay,
      You certainly aren’t the only one who agrees with the article. It seems the only women offended by this article are the ones who act this way.

      There is nothing attractive about any of these habits in men or women.

    • Carol on March 1, 2014 at 10:48 am

      No Kay, you are not the only woman who enjoyed this article. I thought it was wonderfully written, well thought out, and it’s time that today’s young women realize that they can be assertive, and professional and even edgy…but a woman’s life has many facets; work, home, personal relationship with your man or same-sex partner, mother, friend…etc. Maybe they need to be tough at work, but do they have to be foulmouthed and abrasive at home? Ladies, or should I say Women, we make the choice as to how we want to be seen by others. And James…I suppose if these women want to be seen as “bad bitches” that is their choice. But for me, I choose a happy medium. I would not say that I’m a perfect lady all the time, but there is a time and a place for more ladylike behavior and it is MY choice and probably Kay’s too, to act like a lady and enjoy being a lady. I notice there are significantly more pro bad bitch comments on here. Perhaps that is because by nature, those bad bitches are more aggressive and simply cannot resist the temptation to spew their venom all over this blog. Have a happy day all. And thank you to James. I am 51 years old and I do think it’s time to bring back a little more ladylike behavior.

    • Stephanie on March 11, 2014 at 6:44 pm

      Nope, I agree with all of it. And I’m 19 years old! Sure I swear here and there, but only if it’s used to sincerely express the emotion of what I’m saying. The phrase “bad bitch” is so annoying. You’re not bad, you’re not a bitch, you’re probably just trashy. Dressing like a slut and saying your clothing doesn’t determine your classiness is pure ignorance. Having an attitude that’s worse than a psychopath in prison and saying that doesn’t determine your classiness is also pure ignorance. If you disagree with anything he says here you’re obviously in denial and think that your “independence” means that its socially acceptable to be a complete nuisance and make everyone uncomfortable then you need to go back to the 50’s and see what being a lady is really all about. Women definitely killed off chivalry. Any man that wants a girl like that just wants her for the night.

    • rachelbodine on June 9, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      I’m with you, Kay! The women who are offended are the same women who refer to themselves as bad bitches, and are throwing nothing but cuss words at the computer screen. 🙂 (and are single.)

  64. Danielle on February 28, 2014 at 10:35 am

    I completely agree with this. What happened to being lady like ? I here women saying “I wish men would treat me like a lady and be more of a gentlemen. Well you get what you give, if you are out spouting off like a sailor calling yourself a bad bitch and telling your girls your going to smoke the female who’s giving you dirty looks. Well that’s going to attract the men looking for a girl who acts like that which means he’s probably not much of a gentlemen. It’s not attractive on either side but it’s less attractive on a woman not because we are weaker or more delicate but because we are intelligent and poised…”ladylike”.

  65. Carissa on February 28, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    I mostly loved this until that last line… “if more women would sit down and be ladies, more guys would stand up and be gentlemen.”
    I agree wholeheartedly that women ought to start acting like ladies. But do not tell me to sit down! That’s not chivalry! Be a gentleman and hold my door open for me, but if I decide to hold a door open for you, walk through it! We’re not incapable of accomplishing great things, and we’re not going to just sit around while waiting for men to stand up. The list above is a list of immature things that girls do. Guys do immature things too. If their immaturity defines them, it doesn’t matter if they’re 18 or 48: they are not men and women. They are boys and girls.

    • Cato Younger on March 28, 2014 at 11:15 am

      The “sit down” comment was a play on words, don’t read too much into it. Regards…

  66. themodernmisogynist. | iamthepink. on March 2, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    […] weeks ago james michael sama, self proclaimed modern gentleman and secular humanist, posted “the five things making women less ladylike” on his self-titled blog. below is a little commentary on his poorly written blog […]

  67. iamthepink23 on March 2, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    a little response to your post if you are interested
    http://iamthepink.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=168&action=edit&message=6&postpost=v2

  68. Julia S. on March 6, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Dear James Michael Sama,
    As you note in your article “5 Things Making Women Less LadyLike,” you are coming from a male’s perspective. You said that you write about how all men should act because these are the truths that you hold for yourself. But I think you forget to mention that you can only come from your own perspective. Even though there is fault in trying to tell others how to act only because of the personal beliefs that you have, there is even more fault that you have in trying to tell women how to act. This is because you are not a woman and you have no place in telling a woman how to act.
    Instead your list of “5 Things Making Women Less LadyLike ” is more of a just list of preferences you have for how a woman should act. This list does not empower women but rather only lists the qualities that you find more attractive. By doing this, you are still subjecting women to your male gaze of what you believe to be “right” and “wrong” in the actions of women and aren’t allowing for individuals to make their own choices outside of the preferences of yourself. In your article, you are telling women that they should have one priority: to subject themselves to the preferences that you have of them. Your article works to reinforce the traditional gender roles of society which leave women subjected to the pleasures of men, and in this care, yourself. Even if this was not your intention, you need to understand that intentions are not removed from consequences. There are consequences that this article has in the lives of women or young girls who are working to define themselves. Their identities and actions should not be one where they are pressured to succumb to the preferences of a man.
    But the biggest problem with your article comes in your closing sentences. You talk about how a true gentlemen looks for a lady teammate in life but then you conclude with ” Maybe, just maybe, if more women would sit down and be ladies, more guys would stand up and be gentlemen.” Without apology, I will not sit down. I want to stand up and have a voice, and so should all the other women in this world. Please consider the implications and contradictions that your article holds. Once these are considered, then hopefully you can better understand the kind of consequences that this article has on society and those who read it.

    Thank you for your time,

    Julia S.
    University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, 2016

    • Anonymous on March 26, 2014 at 8:33 am

      Julia, I think it’s likely that even if this were to be written by a woman, the attack on the article would be similar. It’s just that because he is a man expressing what he finds unattractive in a woman (in this case, the author seems dominated by ideas of gentlemanly and ladylike behaviour, dichotomising the two as such) his gender goes under attack too.

      Also, this article seems more popular writing, requiring understanding of popular generalisations of certain young people. I could guess at these being “women are looking for gentlemen in their lives” etc. So it’s written in a punchy, mildly provoking sort of way. Although he is being as diplomatic as he can. I don’t agree with everything he writes, and I mean posts other than this one–but I think you’re missing the point a little bit at the end.

      He’s very brave to write this as he has such high readership. But sexist people will find sexism in here, as I doubt he was having a go at women’s rights to voice.

      He’s somewhat amusing though, writing about gentlemanliness and ladylike demeanours–seems to me like just good manners.

    • Cato Younger on March 28, 2014 at 11:17 am

      Julia,

      How is the Womens Studies department? Still fighting the “oppressive patriarchy” I see. You overanalyze things to the point it almost appears you have a mental disorder. Cheers…

  69. Fuck My Twenties on March 7, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Am I the only girl who respected this man’s opinions? I’m confident and independent and kind, and I found this list thought provoking, and NOT sexist. He’s simply stating what he values in a woman. And even if I don’t adhere to all of his expectations for a lady, I dig what he has to say.

    • James Michael Sama on March 7, 2014 at 1:32 pm

      Thank you! I appreciate you not twisting my words or blowing this out of proportion. 🙂

  70. kathycapeluto on March 20, 2014 at 10:38 am

    Reblogged this on A little bit of everything and commented:
    So beyond true to all of these. Time to stop acting like the cast of Jersey Shore.

  71. […] had planned on writing about this post by James Michael Sama about 5 Things Making Women Less Lady-like, and how everything he is proposing reinforces a patriarchal, systemic oppression of women and, […]

  72. kara on March 26, 2014 at 10:42 am

    This is a very good debate. Truth is debate is a good thing. Perspective is everything and all people see things from where they stand. Attemtpting to understand some other’s perspective is not always easy but
    is necessary to evolve and grow. If there is a topic that gets you “steamy” perhaps there is some truth in the other’s point of view. Although we all want to make actions right or wrong it is but shades of grey. Should I cuss regardless of who is around? The answer is no. Do I cuss? Yes. Has it caused
    me difficulty in life? Actually yes. It had nothing to do with the opposite sex. Have I learned an invalueable lesson? You bet. I was old enough to know better and wise anough to know better. Got cuaght up in the moment of being ” human”. I was embarassed and was asked to leave a funtion. Can’t tell you how low I felt after. I Love being a lady and treated like a lady. Most occasions I act as one. I am in the end of the day ,just one more human being.

  73. Danz Social Blog on March 26, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Reblogged this on Danz Social Blog and commented:
    Spot on article. Guys always get scrutinized for their behavior and we forget that women also have to step up and act classy and ladylike. Society is about equality, so it should be applied as well.

  74. Lisa on March 27, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    It’s a good article. But then I noticed the picture of your girlfriend that you have posted and she doesn’t look the slightest bit feminine at all. A man’s haircut, her clothes and the way she is standing is not ladylike at all.

    • James Michael Sama on March 27, 2014 at 10:03 pm

      My girlfriend just finished her cancer treatment and that’s why she has short hair. She is a fantastically intelligent feminine woman with enough class to never judge someone so harshly.

      Thanks for your feedback.

    • rachelbodine on June 9, 2014 at 1:35 pm

      Wow, jerk much??? I’ve seen PLENTY of pictures of her and she is the definition of beautiful and lady like. It must be awful to carry so much hate in your heart. I feel bad for you! (kind of. you are a jerk, after all.)

  75. […] tell all us women what the characteristics were that were not “ladylike”.  Here is the article so you can read it first and feel my ladylike outrage […]

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  77. Lady O The Sea on April 12, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    This^ all of this, suddenly explains why the chivalrous (or gave up on chivalrous) men on your blog complain about ladylike women no longer existing. The females posting are either trying to prove they are above any imposed standards by denying its validity and living out the opposite. Proudly. Defiantly. Or they are defending the proposed standards of ladylike behavior by using personal attacks. Men are not much better, but this being a women’s trail of blood, I focus on my own sex.

    Intelligence is shown by thinking larger than the topic at hand. Swearing and cussing is usually a cheap way out of intelligent discussion. Circular reasoning is another. There is a lot of both going on here. I’d challenge readers to not post an irate blast of refusal, but to step back, try to understand, and intelligently (and rationally–think Spock) discuss faults and merits.

    Similarly, tact and diplomacy are shown by acting larger than the people around you. This trait perhaps more than any other has defined true gentlemanly and ladylike behavior for centuries–perhaps millennia. And it has never been “common.” Being able to meet someone where they are and come to an understanding is the highest respect you can show a person. Dismissing them outright and to their face without attempting a peaceable resolution is the opposite.

    We are not so low as to be incapable of intelligent, diplomatic discussion. Unless we choose to be. That being said, it’s foolish to grab a tiger by the tail and attempt to tame it. If someone is irate, jumping into their conversaion is usually an exercise in drama not in diplomacy.

    Kudos James for taking on such a volatile topic. I remember Darcy describing the perfect lady and it being an unattainable standard but one worth aiming for. (Better to aim for the moon and miss than aim for the skunk and hit it.) This blog post covered such a tiny fraction of the concept, but the topic is more fully covered elsewhere for those who want it. Your gentleman’s blog is the much needed corollary and as always, I applaud your efforts to raise the bar for both sexes!

    For those who have found their own alternative, may they find happiness and find ways to bring happiness to others.

  78. Michelle Manning on April 14, 2014 at 8:41 am

    AWESOME post! With regards to your point if women being more concerned with their appearance versus their attitude, there is a great opportunity for balance here. There are times that I love getting dressed up and going out somewhere nice and then there are other times I love to throw my hair up, put on jeans, have pizza and beer and snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. Either way, enjoying the moment!
    Women that are “bad bitches” have wounded hearts. A woman that presents herself in this way needs healing and is not being her true, authentic self and she doesn’t feel worthy of genuine love.
    Keep up the phenomenal writing! Through the eyes of love!

  79. Trip McNealey on June 6, 2014 at 4:44 am

    Very true…I remember Vincent Canby once said….I’m gonna kill you, homer….you…are…so…dead 🙂

  80. Andie on June 9, 2014 at 10:39 am

    If all these people making negative comments would read the other posts in this blog, they would realize that most of them are directed towards men. You clearly spend more time trying to educate men on proper male behavior than you do trying to ‘command’ women or whatever it is the haters are calling it. I agree with all the points in this post, and I also agree that if I want a gentleman, I’d better act like a lady. If I didn’t want a gentleman, I would find an entirely different blog to follow. Keep up the good work!

  81. MD on June 9, 2014 at 10:46 am

    I realized pretty quick that I didn’t want to end up with most of the drunken, partying, disrespectful men that surround me in college. I wanted to a gentleman that would respect and love me. (Plus I like the idea of complementarianism) In order to have the love of a decent guy like that, I needed to be a lady. I agree with this list, James. You won’t find me doing these things. They aren’t pretty and will just attract the wrong kind of guy. If I did the things on this list, I wouldn’t have the wonderful, chivalrous man I do. I will have to show him this site! He’ll love it.

  82. CTops on June 9, 2014 at 11:38 am

    “I’ve been challenged. Each article I write about how men should act, I am challenged by those who call it “wildly sexist” and tell me that I would be obliterated by society if I were to write something similar about women.” – JMS, I think your friend might’ve won! I love your blog, it restored my faith in humanity (until I read the comments – haha). But I must be getting old, I have never heard of “bad bitch”, “turnt up” and don’t know any women who would fight other women.

    • Bethany on July 2, 2014 at 5:04 pm

      Sir, I believe it is not a matter of getting old, but a matter of who you have chosen to surround yourself with. Truthfully, I am 24 years old and attend college with a great many individuals who likely may use this phrase. But even I have never heard of the phrase “Turnt up”.

  83. Sophie McDonald on June 9, 2014 at 11:52 am

    As a 25 year old woman, I love this! Thank you for defining class as something more than what you wear. Thanks for all you do.

  84. medgrace on June 16, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    I agree with this blog. There is nothing attractive in swearing like a sailor or partying and getting drunk or fighting, these applies to both genders. I am a lady, does that mean I am a doormat? Absolutely not. Just because I am a lady doesn’t mean I will let anyone disrespect me. And what the author here is trying to say is, basically, that if you want a gentleman to notice you, you must have the qualities of a lady. And as I read some comments over here about feminism relating to wether or not you had a father is wrong. I was raised by a single mother that I love with all my heart. My mom left my father for the terrible hurt he caused my family. Does that mean I believe all men are bad? No, I know many men that are gentlemen. My grandfather, for example. Being a B-word is not attractive at all. The same way that lowly men with promiscuous habits are not attractive either.

  85. […] had a lengthy discussion in the past about things that are making the modern woman less “ladylike,” but men are certainly not perfect […]

  86. Katie Spence on July 3, 2014 at 10:32 am

    This is epic. Thank you for posting this. I try to preach this to my daughter and nieces all the time. Be the company you wish to keep.
    My father always said, “You can be whoever you want to be. Just remember, for every action you take there is a consequence. Your behavior has consequences. Your words have consequences. Make sure you act and speak in a manner that will only bring positive things into your life.”

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  88. jthmommy on August 22, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    ***I posted this on FB–Hope you don’t mind my encouraging others to check you out.***
    So…I have been following these male bloggers that write daily about “How to be a real gentleman. And Bringing Chivalry Back”. Interesting concept and I am not sure about you but the male mind absolutely fascinates me. Perhaps because the way men think is so different then me which draws my attention or perhaps it’s because I desire to understand men more. Well the other day there was a blog about the qualities you would find in a REAL MAN. The short listing is below along with the link for the blog should you chose to check it out. http://jamesmsama.com/2014/05/19/8-things-good-men-dont-do

    *Good men are never abusive
    *Good men never cheat in relationships
    *Good men never discourage others
    *Good men never let you forget your worth (I LOVE THIS ONE)
    *Good men don’t avoid difficult discussions
    *Good men don’t look for conflict
    *Good men aren’t selfish (LOVE THIS ONE TOO)
    *Good men are never disrespectful

    These are ALL wonderful traits, and certainly things to appreciate in men. However..I got to thinking about how many men I actually know that fall into this category. And to be honest there WERE NOT a lot that did. Be that as it may I do not and have not considered most of the men that I know to NOT BE MEN OF QUALITY. So is my perception of what a GOOD MAN less than standard or have I just been exposed to so many less than quality men that my perception IS anything above my experience is good? Moreover—if I am digging deeper into that thought process wouldn’t these same qualities be present in a “GOOD WOMAN”? Wouldn’t defining what makes a GOOD WOMAN be a listing of standards far above the normality of a common woman? I think that if we are going to hold men to such a high standard it would be only fair to do the same for women because if we desire to partner with a man of quality (aka GOOD MAN) then we certainly NEED to be WOMEN OF QUALITY (aka GOOD WOMEN).

    May we all strive to be better than we were yesterday and better tomorrow then we were today! Love to ALL! Be safe—Be well! ~Melissa W

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  91. Angie on October 4, 2014 at 2:24 am

    Thank you so much for posting this article. The article brought a very vexing question to my mind… have men over the past few years changed as much as women? It is a perplexing question to me as well as the feminist movement that has devalued women more than what we realize. The women’s role is just as important as the males. Yet the feminist movement valued the male’s role as a provider increasingly more just to devalue the women’s role as a caregiver. Do not be mistaken, I am very grateful to have rights and to vote, yet femininity did not have to be lost in this movement. Take for instance dating; the man traditionally approached the woman. If she was interested she made herself available to him. Dating has become very perplexed with the feminist movement where men are almost afraid to approach a woman, yet woman will chase after men. Men generally seem to enjoy womanly women and to open doors and treat a lady with respect. Yet today generally, we women dress as if we have no respect for ourselves, open our mouths with foolishness, and conduct our manner as if, indeed, we were sailors crossing the big blue sea. Women should stand up for their femininity with the attractiveness and beauty it brings.

  92. […] They leave comments like “What about women? Shouldn’t women do this too?” And by doing so they telegraph their complete lack of effort to do a little scrolling and understand that I have plenty of articles speaking about how I feel ‘good women’ do and don’t act as well. Such as this and this. […]

  93. Stop Telling Women To Be Ladylike - the Lala on May 16, 2015 at 12:00 am

    […] recently saw an article called “5 Things Making Women Less Ladylike.” The offenses included the following: calling […]

  94. […] ‘suave men bloggers’ having their word on the ‘right lady’ and what ‘gentlemen prefer’: http://jamesmsama.com/2014/02/18/5-things-making-women-less-ladylike/. In totality, if you look at them, you’ll see that most of the right points mentioned in all of […]

  95. Stop Telling Women to be Ladylike | Lady Lazarus on December 2, 2015 at 6:40 pm

    […] recently saw an article called “5 Things Making Women Less Ladylike.” The offenses included the following: calling […]

  96. Marie De la torre (not my real name of course) on January 13, 2016 at 3:16 am

    I can’t believe I wasted as much time as I did reading all of these comments. The problem people have these days is that they tend to judge and stereotype without even speaking one word to you. Because of the fact that you may hear me use a tag or term that’s not appealing to you means that you have me all figured out? That is ridiculous! Stop trying to put people into categories and get to know someone for who they truly before you judge them. You may see me dressed in chucks and a Raiders jersey…does that make me a thug? Im far from it…Im college educated, law school graduate and now sit on the bench at a local district courthouse. And…if I must say so myself…that makes me a bad bitch!

  97. zeabusra on June 2, 2016 at 6:47 pm

    To be a gentleman you don’t have to wait for “more women to be ladies”. Being a gentleman or being respectful is your own personal choice and should not be determined by those around you. I agree with a thing or two because denial is ignorance, but I do not understand what point you tried to make with the ending. A gentleman needs a gentlewoman in his life and vice versa. For the “bad bitches”, we have the “bad boys” that are equally annoying and get on my nerves. Not all women are going to be your definition of ladies, just like not all men are going to be gentlemen. xx

  98. The Truth Was Said on September 5, 2016 at 7:07 pm

    Most of the women these days unfortunately are Everything and not Ladylike at all.

  99. The Truth Was Said Again on October 1, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    Well it is fact that the women in the past Really Did put the women of today to Real Shame. Without a doubt.

  100. JD on March 22, 2017 at 4:59 pm

    Bitch what the hell. “A truck driver mouth” isn’t lady like?? Well fuck being lady like! I don’t need to be told how to act because of my gender. I’m a fucking bad bitch and I’ll swear if I want too. If men find it ugly, fuck them, I don’t need them and their 4 inch dick.

    • trish on June 19, 2017 at 4:46 pm

      I’m sorry …but you do not have any class!

  101. Women Today Have Really Changed Unfortunately on May 1, 2017 at 12:45 pm

    Most women these days are just down right horrible creatures altogether.

    • lucky26 on June 10, 2017 at 1:31 pm

      Agreed. Feminist “values” these days are contradictory of everything that makes us “feminine”. This is coming from a woman myself, I do think that women have come a long way from the days when we used to be “socially inferior” to men, but now it just seems like women are consistently emasculating and degrading men as if we forgot what feminism was actually all about- equality for all genders. Both men and women should be respected. The way people treat each other these days is abysmal.

      • ThePinch on June 30, 2017 at 2:14 am

        I am a feminist, or more accurately, a humanist. I believe in choice, and equality, for every human being. I also happen to love men.

        Please don’t generalize about women who are trying to balance an unstable equation. Or the men who love us. I’m your sister, your mom, your daughter, your lover, your best friend.

        I don’t insult people’s background. No one has the right to insult my gender. Call me a b or a c, and I’ll write you off the same way if you insulted my race, religion or disability. It’s trash talk, and I don’t talk to trash.

        This is what I know. Every day I see women feeding the local junkie, donating clothing, baking for the religious center sale, and visiting people in hospitals. I see people visiting seniors, attending self help groups, and volunteering in the community. I see those so-called no account young people lining up here in Canada to donate blood for free.

        It takes a while, but when we look around our own neighbourhoods we see that respect, common courtesy, and decency are, in fact, everywhere. Perhaps not to be expected, but as perennial as the grass.



    • trish on June 19, 2017 at 4:48 pm

      There are still women with class….just not so common these days…! It’s quite sad!!

      • Hilary on January 18, 2018 at 1:08 am

        I agree



  102. Hilary on January 18, 2018 at 1:13 am

    Yes i agree with this.
    These days, females are becoming bad-mouth, rebels and has no respect or dignity for themselves and for the people around them, espically their parents. Whats worse is that younger girls are being influenced by this and playing their roles. This also goes the same to the males.

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