5 Ways To Stay Out Of The Friend Zone


Please enter a valid email address.
Something went wrong. Please check your entries and try again.
Untitled design (24)


When writing articles about chivalry, romance, and relationships – one tends to learn quite a bit about people from comments, emails, and messages.

One of the things that I have learned is a prominent issue, is the male race’s avoidance of kindness for fear of being seen as “just a friend.”

I’ve been there, gentlemen – and it’s not fun. I can relate.


But, here’s the thing: You can still be a good guy, and be taken seriously by women. The trick is to not be seen as a pushover, otherwise known as “the nice guy.” This brings about another interesting term, “the friend zone.”

Many claim it’s a mythical area that doesn’t exist, but those people have never been in a situation where a woman has permanently defined them in her mind as a sort-of-kind-of brother figure. It happens, and it sucks.

So, how do you project that you’re a good guy, while still being seen as a potential romantic partner?

Don’t be a doormat.

People, for some reason, hear chivalry and think that they are required to be at a woman’s beck and call. She says jump, you say “how high?” This, obviously, is not the case.

Part of being a good partner is being a support system for your woman. Helping her where you can, doing things for her because you care, taking extra steps to make sure she is happy – but it’s imperative to not sacrifice your dignity in the process.

The majority of women don’t want to be with a man whose ass they could kick. Have some pride, man.


Make your intentions known.

That’s right. You’re a man, and it’s time to start acting like one. If you continue to “court” a woman, but she doesn’t actually know you’re courting her, then you’re setting yourself up for failure. Most women understand the fact that men are interested in more than friendship with them, but if you’re not assertive enough, odds are you will miss out.

To quote Ryan Reynolds in Just Friends – always kiss her on the first date, because friends don’t kiss.

Exude confidence.

(Notice I didn’t say arrogance). The reason why some win and some lose at the dating game, is often tied to just that – confidence. It takes confidence to approach a woman in the first place. Confidence to make your move. Confidence to convey your feelings to her. Confidence to be secure enough with yourself to be romantic without feeling like you’re sacrificing your masculinity.

Confidence to be yourself.

Your confidence will be your foundation for success in relationships, and in life. Work on this first – and then move forward.

Present yourself properly.

Basic 101 information – without some sort of mutual attraction, there can be no start to a relationship. Dress up, clean up, man up, and show women that you’re worthy of their attention.

If she’s not attracted to you, how do you expect something intimate to grow from that beginning?


Take her on a damn date.

Of all of the above points, I dare say this could be the most important. Without a date, you may not get the chance to even show your woman of interest, anything else mentioned in this article. A date is your chance to show her who you are (Make sure you show her the real you from the get-go, don’t send some representative who you don’t intend to be forever).

A proper date, be creative, put in effort. Show her that you care enough to take the time to plan something.

Pick two things up: Her from her place, and the bill for dinner.

And never forget the words of Ryan Reynolds from above: Always kiss her, because friends don’t kiss.

Click here to connect with me on Twitter -> [twitter-follow screen_name=’JamesMSama’]

Click here to join the discussion on Facebook!

Click here for the New Chivalry Movement.


  1. throughbread on November 30, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Morning, Goodread article and excellent incite.  

    Sent from Samsung Mobile

  2. Rosemary Arevalo on November 30, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Great article…words said to be lived by…men need to show emotion just as we women do and relationships would be stronger…

  3. gabrieleneumann on November 30, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Actually asking a girl out on a date is definitely the best way to avoid the “friend zone”.

  4. Jeff on November 30, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    From my experience, going on a “date” with women sets you uo as a pursuer and more often than not, in the friend zone. “Dates” are so expected. If you really want to avoid the friendzone, stop doing things that put you there like dates.

    Just have her over your places for drinks. Can’t be much more direct than that.

    • Philip William Weiss V on November 30, 2013 at 2:20 pm

      Not in my experience. If the 1st time we go out is drinks at my place they automatically think you want to get them drunk and ef them.

      • James Michael Sama on November 30, 2013 at 2:22 pm

        I have to agree with Philip on this one.

        Your intentions are definitely being made known if you just offer them over for drinks or to “watch a movie” the first time you hang out, but what she’ll hear is your intentions aren’t exactly to build a relationship.

        If you invite a woman on an actual date, out somewhere, she will likely only accept if she sees something potential happening with you in the future. Whether it actually happens or not depends on how the date goes.

      • The Laughing Duck on November 30, 2013 at 4:18 pm

        True story. The Duck has been always asked to ‘watch movies’ She has never finished a single movie with any of these people. And no, needless to say, she has not been on these things called ‘dates’.

    • Jeff on December 1, 2013 at 10:28 am

      I think you missed the point.

      Someone please tell me why wanting to fuck is bad? You label it as “having intentions”.

      I’m not sure about you, but when I was single, I wanted to Find out as quickly as possible what the woman was like sexually.

      I also didn’t take much interest in “dating”. It ruins a lot of great things, puts a label on people, etc.

      Then again, I’m different.

      Beforr any of you jump on this and bash it, I married an absolute 10. Total keeper.

      We have more fun than anyone I know. And this is how I lived my life.

    • Madeleine on February 27, 2014 at 12:35 am

      I’m a woman, and I would friendzone you. Yes, asking a woman on a date sets you up as a pursuer, but women want to be pursued. Proper dates, in my book, are the fastest way out of the friendzone.

  5. Dominic on November 30, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Hi james love all your articles and was just wondering about your opinion about “Looks”. Cause I just read a few articles about saying looks play a part but dont matter as much as your own confidence but don’t both go hand in hand? Wont better looking guys have higher levels of confidence than average or uglier looking guys? Would love to hear your opinion on this matter

    Thanks Alot and Wishing you and ur gf all the best !!!

  6. Nette on November 30, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    What about women they tend to get friend zoned and treated as the kid sister sometimes too. How do you keep this ftom happening without being a “stage 4 clinger”? 😉

  7. Judy on November 30, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    wow great article…I have a man that I have put in the “friends” column for exactly this reason. I know he is interested in me…BUT….he has never asked me on a date. He calls all the time and is always checking in…I have made it very clear that I am interested…but still no request for a date.
    He is a great guy, very good looking, and successful. I just don’t understand what the problem is

    • kissofdanger on November 30, 2013 at 7:23 pm

      He just not that interested. I have seen men do CRAZY things for the girls they like. The same guys drag their feet with other girls becuase those women are “fallback girls”. They just save you for a rainy day. RUN! Cut off all contact and start seeing other men.

  8. kissofdanger on November 30, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    Yes!!! I love! The two main tips that guys miss is making his intentions known and taking her out on a real date.

    There are too many guys flirting and acting interested when they have no real intentions of dating seriously. They either want p*ssy or an ego boost. Too many women have been burned by guys like that. A woman should not have to wonder what your intentions are.

    Secondly taking a woman out on regular dates is important. It shows interest and that you will show up for her. I have had a guy curse me out on Facebook because I couldn’t guess his cues however he was asking every girl out but me. Take a risk and ask the woman out.

    And please don’t act like you are doing her a favor. We can pick up on that.

  9. Huntress626 on December 1, 2013 at 6:51 am

    Reblogged this on anitanyoung and commented:
    Just a few words of dating wisdom for any guys out there needing it.


  10. Huntress626 on December 1, 2013 at 7:12 am

    Great message to post about. There are a lot of guys out there that need this advice. I’m dating a guy who took five dates to kiss me; however, I knew he liked me and the kiss was worth the wait. I’m just glad I didn’t put him in the “friend zone.”

  11. Socialkenny on December 1, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Actually a great article. Why I say that is, most men who write about these things and who aren’t involved in the pickup community, seem to get it all wrong where they advocate being nice and friendly to the max in order to avoid the friendzone. Being overly friendly usually equates to pushover, so that’s why the best advice would be not to be too friendly or too nice because being a pushover is just around the corner from there.

  12. Michelle on December 2, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Not sure if you meant Ryan Gosling, cause that’s Ryan Gosling, not Reynolds. If your ‘Ryan Reynolds from “above”‘ was a reference to something else other than the Gosling picture that I missed, in which case, sorry for being a blind ass.

    • Michelle on December 2, 2013 at 9:08 am

      edit: Ryan Gosling in the picture.

    • James Michael Sama on December 2, 2013 at 9:13 am

      Haha, yes, two different people and ideas 🙂 The Reynolds quote from the movie is unrelated to the Gosling picture put in for a little humor.

      Good eye though!

  13. Lindsay Rinehart on December 4, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Nothing is more obnoxious than men whining about the “friend zone.” It’s as simple as this: if a woman is not attracted to you, she will not want to pursue a romantic relationship with you. The end. Period. If you try to manipulate her into some false relationship with intentions other than the ones you’re communicating, you deserve every bit of frustration it brings you. Be honest, be open, and if she doesn’t want anything romantic/sexual from you, stop whining about it and move on.

    Can we talk about how frustrating and disheartening it is when you learn that your really great friend actually spent your entire friendship trying to manipulate you into a sexual relationship you never had any interest in?

    • may on December 4, 2013 at 9:26 pm

      Guys usually end up in the friendzone because we have no desire for anything other than their friendship.

      You also can’t make anyone else happy. Only yourself. All you can do is make gestures that indicate you care about someone else’s happiness, but you can’t exactly control the way they feel so you could really set yourself up for disappointment by doing something solely to make someone happy.

    • Hannah on December 5, 2013 at 12:46 am

      For the record, James: I’m not saying that the advice you’ve given in this article is wrong or sexist. It isn’t. What you’ve done is provided advice on letting a woman know she’s being pursued by someone who’s has a serious romantic interest in her. Women aren’t mind-readers. We’re taught to notice body language and facial expression cues in a different way. However, men are taught not to broadcast emotions–even more so if there is a chance they might lose face by being rejected. As you’ve noted, if you don’t make your intentions clear in your words and actions, your kindness and friendship are just that.

      The problem I have is with the idea of the ‘friend zone’. People might feel it, but that doesn’t mean it exists. It’s not a crime for a woman not to be romantically interested in a man but still value his company as a friend. And if that man cares so little about their actual relationship–rather than the romantic relationship he wants–that he resents being her good friend, I would say he isn’t a gentleman. It is not a punishment to be a person’s friend.
      (It might also be pertinent to mention that I am the sort of woman who is often seen as a friend rather than a romantic interest. The difference is that I accept friendship as a gift–even if it’s not what you asked for, you’re lucky to have it.)

      • Canterbury on December 11, 2013 at 8:07 pm

        The Friend Zone…there is so much debate brought up over this topic for something that is extremely selfish. On one side you have the man. He wants to pursue a romantic relationship with a particular woman. She sees him and interesting and fun, however she does not share a attraction with him. This could be due to our inherent nature to physiologically choose a mate with which we could produce offspring with. The woman subconsciously could eliminate the possibility of a romantic relationship with this man because his physical qualities don’t get her reproductive juices flowing. The man feels an interest from the woman and because we overdramatize this situation so much he will continue to pursue, hoping that eventually she will give in…this sounds a little date rapey to me. We have all had crushes that didn’t pan out. I have definitely had my share, but there comes a time to realize that if the connection isn’t present then its time to drop the “gift” that is friendship. In this instance one chooses to torture oneself by continuing with a friendship, which is no longer a gift.

  14. Robert E. Holley (@ROBatGraveShift) on December 8, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    A huge one that I had to learn, is to either scale back on female “friends” or spend more time with male friends. I always took pride in having more female friends than male friends, who I wasn’t putting the moves on, and who were comfortable around me. It wasn’t until I skimmed through an advice column, that I realized how having so many female friends could psychologically weigh down on your confidence and self-esteem.

    I’m not the pinnacle of perfection, I’m 300+ pounds, but I’m a big teddy bear that dresses well, and I always knew how to play that to my advantage. Also, I’m a full time single father, as well as an full time student (an MBA candidate). The thing is, when you have so many female friends, you see or hear about the type of guys that they are attracted to on such a constant basis, and tend to see all of those things that you AREN’T. This can take it’s toll on your own self esteem.

    It wasn’t until I started spending time with my male friends, and just establishing that comradeship that those self-deprecating thoughts that once stifled me, went out of the window. It’s very psychological.

    I swear within less than 6 months of putting that in to practice I started dating more frequently, and got in to my first steady relationship in almost 10 years. She’s gorgeous, and loves the hell out of me, as I do her.

    I hope this helps someone. Cheers!

  15. littleblissbook on December 22, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    “Take her on a damn date…Pick her up from her place.” YESS! Thank you hallelujah. I want to send this to every guy I know and even don’t know. Guys these days really don’t know that this is the way to court a woman. Not “let’s hang out or chill, or I’ll meet you half way.” Stop half-assing.

    OH! And please CALL! Every now and then scratch the texting non-sense and pick up the damn phone, you’ll set yourself up miles from the pack.


  16. 8 Ways To Tell You’re About To Be Friendzoned on February 4, 2014 at 1:26 am

    […] Via jamesmsama.wordpress.com […]

  17. Larry Drewett on February 26, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    The only men that can get anywhere with being a gentlemen is men with money. I feel like women these days are so selfish and self absorbed that a man has to be a complete asshole to get their attention.
    I’m pretty much fed up with them these days.

    • Tanya Beatty on March 15, 2014 at 7:07 am

      What are you talking about? If a man is an asshole, most women, the self-respecting ones anyways, are turned off. And money is not what makes a man attractive. A man is attractive for who he is, not what he has. But if you’re attracted to the selfish & self-absorbed types of women, then you will continue to have a problem.

Leave a Reply

Website Stats

  • 39,193,496 Total Visitors


Download your free Ebook 15 Ways to Know You're Dating a Gentleman


This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No feed found.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to create a feed.


Please enter a valid email address.
Something went wrong. Please check your entries and try again.
Untitled design (24)
%d bloggers like this: